My daughters are the thrilled owners of an extensive (although not yet complete) Joss Whedon collection. Their joy in their ownership of these items is boundless. Truly prized possessions.
And yet they leave the DVDs lying about.
When I was tidying up in preparation for my little NYE soirée, I put away a lot of "Buffy" discs. I found myself thinking some fairly, um, traditional things about my girls. The word "careless" came up a lot. It got me thinking.
Careless. It's an interesting accusation. Someone is careless with her things if she does not keep them to the standards set by... somebody else. Some random arbiter of how things should be kept. And carelessness is to be avoided or else!
Or else what? MJ and Chloe have been leaving discs out for years, and, despite my oft-repeated gloomy predictions of damage, they have not suffered a single casualty. Or if there have been casualties, they have dealt with them matter-of-factly and without assistance.
In other words, their treatment of their CDs and DVDs is an entirely appropriate level of care.
Huh. Imagine that.
The other part of this is that they seem to be free of the rather desperate feeling that these things are irreplaceable. My "Firefly" DVD set (my personal Joss Whedon collection) is terribly, terribly precious to me. I guard it. I worry about it. I think about buying a replacement just in case. MJ and Chloe have none of that. These things they own are just things, nice to have but easy to replace should the need arise.
Perhaps what they are is carefree.
But even that has as one of its definitions "irresponsible." Why? How did we get so mired in this feeling that all this care is required and that every possession must be protected to the nth degree?
When we were on the boat, we became slightly acquainted with a retired couple from up north who had sold their house and moved onto their boat in Slidell. They had pared down their houseful of belongings to the precious few that would fit aboard or in a small rented storage unit. Katrina came. They lost it all. All the care in the world hadn't done them any good.
I am not suggesting, of course, that we all start leaving our toys out in the rain. But maybe our kids should have the chance to show us how to care about what's really important.
9 comments:
I LOVE this. I just posted a long rumination on my many epiphanies of 2008, and I think what you've said here might just be setting me on the path toward the first one of 2009. Thanks!
Can this be taken too far? Determining just what is replaceable and what isn't. One of my pet peeves is the attitude of the disposable society. This may have to be rethought in tougher economic times. More repair will be done rather than simply replace. Attitudes change with the times. If you only had one pair of shoes, more thought would be given to their care.
I struggle with this so much!
I take it way too personally if my kids don't "take care" of things we gave them.
Kelly - Giving people something to think about it one of my favorite things to do. :-)
Scott - No doubt it can. Most things can. I don't think that negates my point, which isn't that we should all engage in waste. I am hoping we can open our minds to the possibility that wastage doesn't happen as easily as we (have been led to) believe.
The controls brought about by an economic downturn are natural -- or at least not manufactured by parents. And as always, my priority is relationships between kids and parents. Those relationships are harmed by what amount to lies. When I nag my kids about their discs, saying things like "They'll be ruined," and then their experience is that, no, they really won't, their trust in me is diminished. And then comes the day when I have something to tell them that is true and important. How will they know that? The truth is buried in all the bull.
I take your point about determining what is replaceable and what isn't. But my kids already do this for themselves. MJ has a long dress coat. It was expensive, she only has one. That coat is always hung up, and she doesn't wear it places where it seems likely to be damaged. I *never* have to remind her.
Do I wish they'd put their DVDs away? Sure. Can I in all honesty continue to tell them their care of the discs is inadequate? No.
Deanne - Yeah, ego gets in the way a lot. "I did this for you and you don't even appreciate it!" The subject of kids and appreciation is worth a whole 'nother blog post.
If I could only get my OCD under control with these type of things! One can also do what is done most often in our house (which sets my 'order' senses *off*) and put the seen/heard disc in the case of the one to be seen/heard next! Then, the prized disc goes into hiding and is difficult to find! Still, there are plenty out and about in the sleeves doubled up and cozy (which doesn't prevent them from being damaged, either).
I just need to be able to let go. Not neglect, but let go.
I relate to this post. Thanks!
I love the coat example, too. :)
I thought about your post as I walked Hector his morning. :)
Meredith, as teenager, had a really "messy" room. Periodically (every few months) I would ask her if I could go into her room and do a clean-up. She was always worried that I would be mad. Before unschooling I wasangry at the mess, the "carelessness". I would read her the riot act, ranting, berating her, the whole deal. As I learned more about gentle parenting and unschooling, it was difficult to erase that and assure her that I wouldn't be mad, that I just cared about her, and thought she would like a tidy room and that I wanted to help, not judge. It was hard for her to trust that I wouldn't get mad, hard for me to remember to put our relationship first, but we got there, slowly.
Sometimes she helped me do these clean-ups, sometimes she didn't. I never threw away things I didn't ask her about first. I DID find broken CD's and DVD's, pins and needles from her costuming projects, paint from her art projects, old, rotten food, and numerous things that she cared about broken or ruined. I was sad for her sometimes, and I knew that she wasn't expecting that her things would be damaged when she left them on the floor -- she was just a busy teenager, on to the next project, still learning to take care of the things she cared about. Still learning. When she was ashamed that things were broken, I reminded her that I'd been a teenager once, that I was still less organized than I would like to be, and that things happen. No blame. We're all learning. This was a real shift in thinking from the old pre-unschooling me.
Anyway -- Mer is 21 now. She lives at home (until we move) and keeps her CD's and DVD's organized alphabetically in a beautiful wooden cabinet she bought. Her room is tidy and much more organized than mine. She does her laundry on her days off and is happy about how her closet looks. I was still very messy and "careless" at her age. And, um, now.
Anyway -- sorry so long. Your post got me thinking about what a journey the "clean room" thing has been for us, for our relationship. Thanks for that. :)
Ginger - "If I could only get my OCD under control with these type of things!" Are you saying you want to control your need for control? lol. I can relate.
Yes, what we really need is to relax. Less bearing down, more letting go. Less judgment, more listening to heartbeats.
Laura - I find their rooms too intimidating to clean, which gives me plenty of compassion for how intimidated they feel. Maybe that's a new resolution for me - to remember to offer to help before it gets to the intimidating stage.
About broken things hidden under the mess - Yes, they do feel bad. No need for Mom to rub their noses in it, is there? And yet so many moms do. :-(
RONNIE!
I'm so glad you found me again :) yes, it's Cid from LIG and I'm planning on being there again this year- Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!! I'm going to add you to my blogroll now...this is exactly what I needed to read today (and would've been perfect a few days ago, too, LOL)
Peace & Abundance, Cid
I watched Serenity last night in the wee hours... finally. It was from the library where people seem to think that since they don't own the dvds they can rub jam on them, use them as frisbees and otherwise abuse them to death.
Great movie... of course!
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