Good advice

Remember that you only have to take one step at a time.
Breathe, baby.
Have fun!

In one IM conversation, these were the bits of advice I offered to a friend. Trite? Perhaps. Easy to say? Definitely. Bad advice? Not even close. Those are the Big Three for not only coping with but enjoying what life throws at you.

Here's one more: When things get stressful, remember the Big Three.

I think that's the hardest part.

Free at last, free at last

Changing of the guard
It's a new world.


And may I just say to FORMER President Bush: Good f***ing riddance.

Peek-a-boo

Changing population
MJ is home! Wahoo! Chloe and I get to enjoy her company for one too short day, then she heads for New Orleans on Monday.

Averting intensity

Changing the moment
I am a shiny person. In unschooling parlance, this means I am sensitive and emotional. In practical terms, it means my emotions can be a little dangerous, and I've learned to sloooow doooowwwn my responses to give myself time to find better ones.

My sensitivity means I am easily overwhelmed by stress (aka, life). It brings along a side effect that can be pretty exhausting but that provides a nice benefit when interacting with kids, and especially with groups of kids: I am usually tuned in to the emotions in a room.

Don't get me wrong: I commit my fair share of social gaffes. And how! But I get the added fun of being painfully aware of every misstep and exactly who it bothered.

Anyway, with kids, I am often able to see when they are starting to feel upset or overwhelmed by what's going on around them. This gives me the opportunity to change the moment and keep things on a more even keel.

Here are some things that help:

Being silly. Pratfalls. Funny faces. Tickles. Sudden bursts of song. Whatever feels right for lightening the moment. Then find solutions. The idea is not to distract kids from what bothers them but to get to a better starting place.

Motion. Even in my most inept parenting phase, I knew the value of this one. MJ and I would be at loggerheads (over surely inconsequential things if I had but stopped to think), and I would scoop her up and run around. This probably looked startling to observers, because I would have been so clearly at wit's end, but it was way better than smacking her.

Nowadays, I am never at loggerheads with a toddler. That I ever was makes me hang my head in shame. Toddlers demands are never unreasonable. Never. Feel free to leave comments with exceptions to that, but you can expect me to argue with you.

But the scoop-and-run, more gently done, can still come in handy. I've seen my friend Gillian use a silly-tinted variation to rescue Fergus from well-meaning Ronnies and other friends.

Lack of action. Just stop. Wait. Hug your kid.

Coming out of my most inept parenting phase, I discovered the remedial value of a good hug. I began to live by the motto "When in doubt, hug your kid."

We also had a little soothing ritual. I would hold the kid I was in conflict with and rock back and forth, murmuring "One, Two, Buckle My Shoe." It was cool-down time for both of us and very comforting. And neither of us was made to feel isolated. (A timeout is punishment, people. Don't do it.)

Lack of speech. When I don't know what to say, I keep quiet. Or I say, "Let me think about that." Just giving myself this time is usually enough to clear out some stress so I can see more options. (This one works great at work, too.)

Write it down. A few years back, Maddie really wanted to come to my house. It wasn't going to work out that day, and she was starting to get upset, so I pulled a piece of paper out of my purse and said and wrote, "Maddie wants to come over." She cheered up instantly, because she'd been heard. And even small kids know the power of the written word, amen.

I made sure to follow through with an invite so this was an honest solution and not a trick.

(I believe I got this idea out of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, a book I highly recommend.)

Try something new. Introducing a new thing into the immediate environment can quickly defuse tension and conflict. A sloshy tub of water is almost surefire. Running water and a toddler? That's gold. Bubbles. A big pile of paper and some markers. Coming out with a towel over my head, moaning like a ghost (see "Being silly" above).

Again, the point is not to avoid conflict entirely or to distract kids from their emotions. It's about getting to a happier place before you start addressing them. 'Cause solving any problem is easier if you've just been laughing together over your weird friend with the towel on her head.

Better than TV

Changing windows
There was a high(ish) speed chase through our neighborhood tonight: several cop cars with sirens wailing in pursuit of an SUV. They finally got the guy to stop just one house down from ours! Chloe and I had been watching funny cat videos and ignoring the noise until we heard the cops yelling things like, "Get your hands behind your head!" We scurried to the kitchen window in time to watch the passenger surrender, but then we decided we'd better change windows when the cops advanced on the SUV with guns drawn.

Safely removed to higher ground, we realized the driver had skedaddled before the cops got there. We indulged ourselves with imaginings of a fugitive hiding in our garage, and I almost got out of taking out the trash, but later we saw they had two people in custody.

So, I took out the trash, and we ate our dinner in a darkened-for-better-visibility kitchen while the investigation continued, the culprits were questioned, and the SUV was towed to Abby's lab. Or someplace like that.

It was just enough excitement for the night.

A little surprise

Changing the plot (but not too much)
Chloe and I went to the movies today with the SnoCo Teen Unschoolers Network (STUN). It's been a long time since we've all been together, so it was fun to see everyone. And the movie, "Twilight," was considerably better than I thought it was going to be. Chloe can tell you in detail where they departed from the book, but they were very much true to Stephenie Meyer's vision, too.


I don't think I'll be spoiling anything when I say that my favorite bits were with Bella's dad, Charlie, played in nicely understated fashion by Billy Burke. The screenwriter was very smart to develop this character, and Burke made good use of his screen time.

And the vampire cast was undeniably striking, especially Dr. Cullen! Whoa. Chloe and I both got chills the first time he came on screen. You can really believe he's not quite human.

Anyway, it's not an Oscar contender, but it was a fun couple of hours.

Hair today

Changing my hair
I've been letting my hair grow out, partly because I hate finding a new stylist and partly because I want to be able to clip back the I'll-fly-away bits on the sides. It's finally getting long enough for that.

Now I just need to find my long-lost clips.

Kinda hard to close the door on your way out

Changing your circumstances
This story about a man who apparently attempted to fake his own death just gets funnier and funnier. I don't think he thought it through!

My favorite paragraphs:

The plane was en route from Anderson, Ind., to the Florida Panhandle city of Destin when Schrenker reported turbulence. He said the windshield had imploded and he was bleeding profusely, according to the sheriff's office in Santa Rosa County, where the plane crashed.

But when investigators found the plane, its door was ajar and the wreckage showed no signs of blood or the blown windshield Schrenker had reported. The sheriff's office said Schrenker appeared to have intentionally abandoned his plane.

After he stopped responding to air traffic controllers, military jets tried to intercept the plane. They noticed the door was open and the cockpit was dark and continued to follow it until it crashed in a bayou surrounded by homes.

That's a big pizza pie

(Ever) Changing moon
Some of you will no doubt have more of an opportunity to enjoy this tonight than shall we in the Gray Sky Zone.

Biggest Moon of the Year

Friday fill-in

Changing fill-ins
My answers in this Friday Fill-in will share the NaBloPoMo theme of "Change."



1. It's January; let the unexpected changes of 2009 commence!

2. Peaceful transitions is what I crave most right now.

3. Cork and wine go together like life and change.

4. Support from friends and family is so nourishing.

5. Let us dare to dare.

6. Something that won't change: Frank and the girls are my home.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Monk and Psych, back on our schedule at last, tomorrow my plans include seeing Frank off and helping Chloe transform her room, and Sunday, I want to see how it goes!

Shifts

Changing locations
It's been kind of a tumultuous few days in the Pacific Northwest.

Remember all the rain I was whining about? Well, travel and trucking in the region are mostly at a standstill with many of our major highways, including Interstate 5, closed due to flooding, mudslides, and/or avalanche danger. The trains aren't running either. Fortunately, my mom and Tom were able to get home from the coast today, so they're back where they belong, and Chloe is done dogsitting, so she's back where she belongs.

Unfortunately, MJ is still not where she belongs. She and Harper and friends left his place today for some camping. I hope they get decent, or at least dry, weather down there. She comes home on the 17th.

And Saturday, Frank leaves for New Orleans to see his dad, who is very sick. We're not sure how long he has nor how long Frank will be gone. Frank wrote a lovely post about his dad here. Marty is the world's best father-in-law—he's one of the best men I know—so this is a pretty sad time for us.

Your own personal Jesus

Changing water into whine
So, I know I complained about the snow a little. A lot. Endlessly. But now it's raining. A lot. Endlessly.

Somebody tell me again why we live here?

I guess it could be because, at our coldest, we never have to (never could) iceskate down the sidewalk.

And I guess it could be because there are no damn hurricanes.

And I guess it could be because the majority here usually votes the way I vote (a benefit that cannot be overvalued).

And I guess it could be because here is where the money is.

And I guess it could be because I bloomed where I was planted.

But some people went swimming in their outdoor pools for the solstice. And about this time six years ago, we were basking in the warm sunshine in San Diego on our first expedition as unschoolers. (Happy Unniversary to Us!) And we just received an ad from St. Croix that has pictures of, well, paradise (except for the damn hurricanes).

And here I sit, watching the rain come down, while coworkers share tips on keeping their basements from flooding.

And Winter is only about two weeks old!

Hydrology

Changing beverages
Almost a year ago (!), I stopped drinking Coke. After the initial cravings, I haven't missed it. But finding something to drink instead has been something of a journey. At work, I've been drinking root beer with lunch. And at home, I've been toying with Squirt as a (mostly inadequate) Lemonsoda substitute.

I never said I was going to eliminate sugar from my diet. :-)

But the biggest change has been wrought by the snow, our new thermostat (aka, "cooler house"), and my new "red not orange not maroon fire-engine red" teapot. Hot drinks have suddenly been very attractive, and the new teapot is just fun to use. So, I've been drinking tea. Fruity ones are my favorite. I have some varietal Twinings fruit ones purchased abroad (la-de-da) that I'm not sure I can replace, so those get parcelled out like gold. The rest of the time, I like a nice lemon, orange spice, or Wild Berry Zinger.

Thanks for the warmth, Erin!

Dither dither dither

Changing my mind
- I'm going to watch the playoff games today.
- No, I'm not, I have to work.
- But I could work while I watch.
- No, I really have to work.

- I'm going to cook beans but I know I won't really enjoy them.
- Hey, these are really good! (Tony's!)

- I'm doing NaBloPoMo this month, so I really gotta post today.
- I'm sick of this computer. Maybe I won't do NaBloPoMo this month.
- Oh, all right, just a quick one.

Butts up

Changing diapers
Note: I've just discovered the theme for NaBloPoMo this month is Change. Since I coincidentally blogged about that very thing for the first couple days of January, I've decided to continue blogging on that subject this month. Every day? Maybe, maybe not.

I miss changing diapers. The Ghost of Ronnie Past—the one who spent four and half years diapering butts—is lurking behind me, shrieking,
"What?! Are you crazy?"

But I miss it just the same.

I got to change Lila several times at our New Year's Eve sleepover and was reminded of all the good stuff. Every diaper change was a moment of connection. Every one was an opportunity for play, for singing a little song, for blowing raspberries on baby belly. Every one was a chance for surprises, entertainment, commiseration, laughter.

Frank invented a diaper-changing song when ours were babies. It goes like this:

Butts up, baby, butts up,
Gimme your butt, gimme gimme your butt,
Gimme gimme
Butts up, baby, butts up... (etc.)

Lila found it highly entertaining. (Who wouldn't?)

One time she was resistant, so I diapered her bear instead. That was so funny, she laid herself right down for her turn.

It was so fun!

Yes, yes, of course I remember the downsides. Meconium. Changing a baby who doesn't want to be changed. Changing a poopy diaper when you're so tired you want to cry.

"I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it."

But the rest is good stuff.

Careless schmareless

Changing perspectives
My daughters are the thrilled owners of an extensive (although not yet complete) Joss Whedon collection. Their joy in their ownership of these items is boundless. Truly prized possessions.

And yet they leave the DVDs lying about.

When I was tidying up in preparation for my little NYE soirée, I put away a lot of "Buffy" discs. I found myself thinking some fairly, um, traditional things about my girls. The word "careless" came up a lot. It got me thinking.

Careless. It's an interesting accusation. Someone is careless with her things if she does not keep them to the standards set by... somebody else. Some random arbiter of how things should be kept. And carelessness is to be avoided or else!

Or else what? MJ and Chloe have been leaving discs out for years, and, despite my oft-repeated gloomy predictions of damage, they have not suffered a single casualty. Or if there have been casualties, they have dealt with them matter-of-factly and without assistance.

In other words, their treatment of their CDs and DVDs is an entirely appropriate level of care.

Huh. Imagine that.

The other part of this is that they seem to be free of the rather desperate feeling that these things are irreplaceable. My "Firefly" DVD set (my personal Joss Whedon collection) is terribly, terribly precious to me. I guard it. I worry about it. I think about buying a replacement just in case. MJ and Chloe have none of that. These things they own are just things, nice to have but easy to replace should the need arise.

Perhaps what they are is carefree.

But even that has as one of its definitions "irresponsible." Why? How did we get so mired in this feeling that all this care is required and that every possession must be protected to the nth degree?

When we were on the boat, we became slightly acquainted with a retired couple from up north who had sold their house and moved onto their boat in Slidell. They had pared down their houseful of belongings to the precious few that would fit aboard or in a small rented storage unit. Katrina came. They lost it all. All the care in the world hadn't done them any good.

I am not suggesting, of course, that we all start leaving our toys out in the rain. But maybe our kids should have the chance to show us how to care about what's really important.

Thursday 13

Changing habits
Green 13
In honor of the new year, here are 13 little things I'll be doing in 2009 to reduce my impact on the environment. I got most of these ideas from the Nature Conservancy's Everyday Environmentalist pages, where you can find other ideas or contribute your own.

1. Composting. Microsoft inspired this one. They started a composting program this year (creating a whole new market for compostable disposable dishes) and helped me discover how really good it feels to not throw food in the trash. This will reduce our use of the garbage disposal, which evidently puts something of a burden on the sewage treatment system.

Related to this, I'll be looking into some BioBags so I don't have to clean the kitchen compost container 'cause ewww.

The big problem with this whole plan is that we don't use fertilizer. Ever. Maybe one of our neighbors will want our compost...

2. Using cloth napkins. My friend Stephanie has been doing this forever. She has a lovely little collection of cloth napkins that can be grabbed, used, and then tossed in a little basket for later inclusion in a regular load of laundry. They are ever so much nicer than paper!

Tip: It's more fun if the napkins don't match! And if you are a sewing type like Kat, you can make your own from "salvaged cloth" (aka rags) by running a quick seam, which even I know how to do.

We'll also continue our use of those choose-a-size paper towels. They cost slightly more sometimes, but we're consuming half as much as we used to.

3. Learning about and buying wood and paper products that are FSC certified. Mindfulness is a big deal for unschoolers. Well, we're not very mindful when it comes to the products we buy. Since a day in the woods is my idea of a dream date, I'm going to start improving our mindfulness by making regular visits to the Forest Stewardship Council Web site. They are there to help us avoid giving our money to companies around the world that engage in illegal and/or immoral logging practices.

4. Going paperless. I'm doing some of this already, but I'm going to work on eliminating even more of the paper bills and statements that we receive.

5. Turning off the computer. We leave our computer on all day and night. I have rationalized this behavior for years with the argument that rebooting is hard on the hard disk. But that might be less true than it once was (hard disks automatically "park" nowadays, reducing wear and tear), and anyway, the real reason comes down to convenience: I hate waiting for the computer to boot up. There are greener ways to avoid that.

Or leaving it on. This page suggests leaving your computer on but joining a distributed computing network that takes advantage of the power usage and emissions already going on. This doesn't interest me much, but I include it here for your edification.

6. Using reusable shopping bags. Last April, I began an anti-quest. It hasn't been going very well, but I hereby renew my determination to stop bringing plastic bags into our house.

In Ireland, you have to pay for your plastic bags if you want them. Interestingly enough, we were much better about remembering to take our shopping bags with us while we were there.

7. Walking. We are quintessential Americans: we hop in the car to go two blocks. But one of the reported benefits of being urban dwellers is that the things we need are within walking distance. It's time to start taking advantage of that. Within a four-block radius, we have a grocery store, an auto parts store, a drugstore, MJ's tattoo/piercing parlor, an espresso stand, a sporting goods store, a fruit and vegetable market, and a handful of restaurants. Just a bit farther afield, we have gift shops, furniture stores, a state liquor store, and even more restaurants, including our favorite margarita Mexican place.

8. Turning down the heat. Frank just installed a new programmable thermostat that lets us schedule a chilly time (instead of relying on my remembering to manually turn the heat down before retiring). It also measures the temperature in our house differently than the old one did, so when we set the heat at 67, we are actually keeping the house at 67 instead of what was probably more like 72 before. (Yes, sweaters and blankets are suddenly very popular around here.)

9. Commuting less. Subject to manager approval, I'm going to work at home two days a week. Fun for me, fun for the family, good for the budget, good for the car, good for the environment.

In case you are wondering, this will save me approximately 140 miles, $12, and four hours per week. That's 7280 miles, $624, and 208 hours per year.

10. Eating less meat. Don't get too excited, Qacei and Idzie—I'm a looong way from going veggie—but I can be perfectly content with a lot less meat. And the reasons for doing so just keep piling on.

11. Drinking Fair Trade, shade-grown coffee. I'm a coffee drinker now, so I get to think about these things. My one-bag-a-year habit is probably not going to save the planet, but every little bit helps. I think I'll try this place first.

12. Drinking from the tap. I'm doing this already, but I'm running out of ideas, so I'll give myself extra credit for it. I really love the convenience of those individual water bottles, but they are veddy bad for the environment. We simply do not buy them any more.

13. Redistributing goods. Thrift stores, Half Price Books, Craigslist, Freecycle. Hmm... Could I go the whole year without buying new stuff? It's an interesting question, and after Christmas is a good (easier) time to contemplate it.

Happy New Year!