LIFE is Good lessons

LIFE is Good 2011 was not a perfect conference. Things went wrong. Pranks were pulled. Friends' gifts to each other went missing. Another friend spent the end of the conference grieving the loss of her mother. Even so, I loved it. It made me happy. It gave me some more amazing memories to add to my burgeoning "Unschooler Love" file, and I received a good dose of inspiration and renewal. I came away smiling, energized, exhausted, and content with my life.

And then last night I got on Facebook and the LiG group, looking for photos and shared memories and more fun. I found those things. But I also found regrets and complaints and reports about even more unfortunate events that had taken place. I got rather depressed.

But driving to work today—Sitting in Traffic Meditation—something occurred to me: If every conference we attend has a theme, the theme of this one was not "A Series of Unfortunate Events" but "How Unschoolers Respond to Suffering."

Two fire alarms were pulled. We learned that false alarms cost the hotel $500 each and that Mary Gold, our beloved Conference Diva, was deeply distressed. How did the unschooling community respond? They opened their wallets and reminded each other that young people are curious and impulsive.

Some of the treats left by Fairy Godparents (secret pals) went missing. How did the unschooling community respond? They came up with replacement treats and reminded each other that people who take are needy people.

A friend received word Sunday night that her mother had died. How did the unschooling community respond? With an outpouring of love, with songs, with laughter and space for tears. It was a wake to remember.

As always LIFE is Good provided me with an opportunity to learn, to expand my horizons, to experience acceptance, and to see with better eyes. What I saw was unschoolers at their best, responding to the pain of life and the shortcomings of others with grace and generosity. That is the theme and lesson of this conference. I will carry it with me for the rest of my life.

Un-class photo

It's been six months since LIFE is Good 2010, so I figured it was about time to get my photos off my camera. Here's my favorite, our poor isolated homeschooled kids in their version of a class photo. The age range in this classy, classless group is about 13 to about 20. Click the photo to see it larger. Friends on Facebook can see it with name tags here.

Hair today

At LIFE is Good, we collected a Hefty sack full of hair to send to Matter of Trust to help with the Gulf oil cleanup. All four of the Greybeards shaved their heads, but Scotty says my donation was bigger than theirs combined. :-)


Just some of the friends who went bald for the cause: Jon, Chris, Ginger, Scotty, Frank.


Frank and me at the picnic, enjoying the cool breezes.

Photo credits: I can't remember! I swiped these from Facebook. If they're yours, thank you!!!

Coping with traditional parenting - 2nd edition

In September 2009, Shonna Morgan and I hosted a circle chat at the Good Vibrations Unschooling Conference. We called it "Strangers in a Strange Land: Coping with Traditional Parenting." It went really well, and, since it was partially inspired by a conversation I had with LIFE is Good alum Renee' Cabatic (who was not able to attend GV), we decided to offer it again at LIFE is Good this year. The turnout was amazing, and our circle chat turned into a first-rate brainstorming session.

The question we tried to answer: "On a situation-by-situation basis, how can we improve the lives of children who are being parented traditionally (or worse)?"

To read the notes from the Good Vibrations chat, go here. The coping strategies suggested by the participants at LIFE is Good follow.

INTERVENING IN VIOLENT MOMENTS

• If it's safe, get close and look horrified. Be an obvious witness.
• If getting close is not safe, pre-dial your cellphone to 911 and inform the violent one that you have done so.

INTERVENING IN ANGRY MOMENTS

• Do something surprising or silly or distracting. Break the tension. Shake things up. Carry a little bottle of bubbles in your purse.
• In a timeout situation, act as if the timeout is a fun game and join in.
• Create a space for an overwhelmed child to express himself.
• Empathize with the parent.
• Offer to help.
• Pretend to be new to a peaceful parenting method—"Oh, I just found this technique that really helps"—and share it with the parent.
• Talk to the kid to talk to the parent. Amplify the kid's perspective. "Waiting in line is really hard, isn't it?" "Oh, look at all the candy. Don't you wish we could buy all of it?"
• Help the child find a solution. Usually the child will have to give in to the parent's demands, but you can show her that you understand the conflict. Amplify the parent's perspective—"I think your mom really wants to leave now"—and show that you understand the child's perspective, too—"but you're not ready to leave yet, are you?"
• Act oblivious to the tension of the moment. "What a cute little guy!"
• Counter negative messages by offering additonal perspectives.

HELPING WITH CHILD BOREDOM
(airplanes, lines, kids trapped in strollers)

• Be playful. Give the child clear permission to play so that both parent and child know it's okay.
• Bubbles (as mentioned above).
• Pipe cleaners, stickers, little toys.
• Goodie bags (keep one in purse, replace as needed).
• Ask your own kids to be emissaries. Other parents don't feel as threatened by kids, and kids tend to be fascinated by other kids.

WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS YOU SEE REGULARLY

• Any of the above.
• Model peaceful parenting every chance you get.
• Spanking is NOT allowed in your home. Don't be afraid to say so.

The Doings Report

That LIFE is Good writeup is still coming. Maybe. But right now I just feel like rambling. Aimlessly. Without purpose. Maybe this won't even be a Doings Report but a Lack-of-Doings Report.

I think—and I squirm as I write this out of fear of angering the schedule gods—that we have a completely commitment-free weekend ahead. Holy loose ends, Batman!

I have a cold, one of two variants of the Conference Crud that are going around. Boy, did I get lucky, because the other one involves vomit. I'll take my annoyingly drippy nose any day.

MJ came home for one day and then went back to Oregon. I think her at-home time is less than her away time these days. So far I'm doing okay with this transition. I spoke to Cherie (my friend and former stepmother) on the phone today, and she pointed out that these separations are the natural result of raising independent kids. "We reap what we sow," I said. "Yes." And perhaps that is why I'm doing okay with this transition. For our kids to have the confidence and connections and motivation to build their own lives has been one of our goals all along.

Two of my very favorite authors (Julia Quinn and Lisa Kleypas) had book releases on my birthday. I bought the books and then went to LIFE is Good. Not much reading time there. So, I've spent some of my sickie time this week reading them and am very pleased with both.

New books always run out of pages too fast.

I am still processing my LiG talk. I think it went well, but I am too close to it to know for sure. I wish I could have filmed the audience while I delivered it so that (now that I am out of the semi-fugue state I enter when I'm speaking publicly) I could go back and check out reactions.

I had a big deadline before LiG. Deadline, LiG, Conference Crud. That's my last few weeks in a nutshell.

I am thinking about writing a novel. I am often thinking about writing a novel. In fact, in my years on this planet, I have done WAY more thinking about writing a novel than actual writing of said novel. But there are intriguing chapters tucked here and there. And one of these times when I think about writing a novel I know I will actually do it.

"I know I will actually do it." That is true, but I did not know it until I typed it. Interesting.

I made a bazillion friends at the conference. That is a slight exaggeration. But I did. The tribe just keeps on growing...

Speaking of which, unschooling is back in the news. Nightline (with Juju again, ick) and The View. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch the hatchet jobs clips. I want the media to forget they ever heard of unschooling. They are making the traditionalists nervous. That is never a good thing.

Fear is the mother of morality. ~ Nietzsche

Ja.

Done rambling. Auf Wiedersehen.

The LiG list

I'm working on a writeup about our LIFE is Good experiences, but I am slow. In the meantime, here is my thank-you to Mary Gold:

Dear Mary,

Every year after LIFE is Good, I struggle with the need to tell you what this conference means to me. But every year it is so hard to put into words something that is pure (purest!) feeling. This year's attempt is simply a list of nouns.

What WE Found and Appreciated at LIFE is Good 2010
**A partial list from A to Z(ed)**

- Acceptance
- Activities
- Amy
- Art
- Authenticity
- Babies
- Bald heads
- Balloons
- Bananagrams
- Belonging
- Bionicles
- Birthdays
- Boppers
- Bounties
- Boys
- Brilliance
- Bubbles
- Canadians
- Captain Jack Sparrow
- Chess
- Circle Chats
- Color
- Compassion
- Connections
- Contribution
- Conversation
- Creativity
- Dads
- Dancing
- Discoveries
- Discussions
- Drum Circle
- Energy
- Entertainment
- Fairy Godparents
- Flags
- Friendship
- Fun
- Gaming
- Generosity
- Gifts
- Giggles
- Girls
- Gratitude
- Greybeards
- Hair dye
- Harmony
- Honoring
- Hope
- Hot Backup Chicks
- Hugs
- Hula hoops
- Ideas
- Inspiration
- Joy
- Jumping
- Kindness
- Kids
- Kimya
- Kindness
- Laughter
- Learning
- Life
- Light
- Lone Nuts
- Love
- Mamas
- Meaning
- Motivation
- Music
- Nightowls
- Nursing
- Opportunities
- Originality
- Patience
- Peace
- Perspective
- Pirate treasure
- Playfulness
- Pleasure
- Pokemon
- Presentations
- Questioning
- Quiet (really!)
- Rejuvenation
- Respect
- Restoration
- Romping
- Sharing
- Smiles
- Splashing
- Support
- Talking
- Teens
- Thinking
- Thoughtfulness
- Thriller
- Tie dye
- Time Warp
- Toddlers
- Trust
- Uniqueness
- Unity
- Validation
- Value
- Variety
- Vision
- Visionaries
- Volunteers
- Wii
- Will
- Wine
- Wisdom
- Wonder
- World of Warcraft
- Yes
- Zenmomma

Thank you, Mary, for making it happen once again. Our lives are immeasurably improved by this community.

(Updated 5:09 p.m. with additions from the LIFE is Good Yahoo! group. Thanks, Robin and Kim! Updated again 6/4 with additions from Shonna, Tammi, and Jinger.)

Let the frenzy begin

Line up housesitter: Check
Shop for funshop supplies: Check
Write talk: Check
Pack: Umm...

I have a busy morning ahead.

LIFE IS GOOD OR BUST

Just sing

My elementary school had a well respected choir. The choir director, Miss Brittingham, would hold rehearsals each year, and a select group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders would be chosen as that year's choir. Being in the choir was a Big Deal. Choir members got to be out of class each week for rehearsals, they got to go on field trips to performances, and—best of all—they got to say, "I'm in the choir." I tried out all three years I was eligible and got in once. I was thrilled the year I got in, of course, but what I remember more is the years I didn't. Not making the cut was pretty traumatic. I wasn't good enough.

I took choir classes in middle school and junior high, but the choir directors were uninspiring at best and pompous autocrats at worst. They did not improve my singing ability or my self-esteem, and by the time I got to high school, I was done. I had decided that I was, at best, a mediocre singer and that I should limit myself to singing along with the radio.

(I wasn't really wrong, by the way. I am a mediocre singer: my range is pretty limited, and my ability to sing on key... well, it fluctuates.)

So there I was, going through life as a mediocre singer—or rather, not thinking of myself as a singer at all—crooning rock-n-roll lullabies to my babies, belting out classic rock during my commute, shouting out Christmas carols with daughters and nieces who were quite happy to be off key with me.

And then one day at LIFE is Good 2009, Frank and Jeff and Russ said, "Hey, we're doing 'Gloria' for the talent show, and we need backup chicks."

And just like that, I became a backup singer. I've spent the last year singing. I've performed shows in public. I even sang lead on one song in January and plan to do so again in May. It has been pure, perfectly imperfect fun.

And the really interesting thing is that now, in my 40s, because I am doing it, I am becoming a better singer. I have learned so much about technique and breath control and harmonizing and taking cues from the musicians and my fellow chicks. My range is still limited, but it's enough. And I've discovered that when one is performing live music with a rock-n-roll band, being off key now and then is not the end of the world. Usually nobody notices.

G. K. Chesterton said, "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." What he could have added is that by doing, you might find "badly" changing to "better and better," and even if you don't, it can be a helluva good time along the way.

Wheee!

I just got our family all registered and reserved for the breathtakingly amazing and wonderful LIFE is Good Unschooling Conference! Yay!

I am so excited about the other speakers this year. It's an amazing lineup! And we're doing the LIFE is Groovy Drum Circle again. And The Greybeards will be there to help everybody boogie. And Amy Steinberg, too! And MJ is putting on a Better Than Prom Extravaganza for the teens! And there will be funshops! And circle chats! And lots of wonderful friends to (re)discover!

Join us there!

NB: The Early Bird registration rate ends at the end of this month!

LiG '09 report - Slice 6 - Party time, peace time

One of the highlights of the conference for me was definitely the after-parties in Ren's room. The first one was just a hoot, with twelve to twenty conversations going on at once, and the surprise arrival of Mercedes and Madelyn, and so much laughter. I loved every minute of it.

But the one the next night was good, too. For one thing, we were all really tired, including Ren's kids, and Frank and I arrived just in time for a little mishap involving burning food in the microwave and, separately, a hotel light that was in mortal danger due to creative use of a new Egggame.

I always like getting little glimpses into how unschooling parents handle those really tired moments. In this case, even though I should have known better, I found myself getting tense, waiting for traditional-parent-style snapping and punishment—you know, like "Stop that right now or I'm taking that game away from you!" Instead, Ren kept her cool, briefly explained her concern for the light, and helped Jalen find a safer spot to play. Problem solved, just like that, without threats or belittling or fights.

And then we partied.

LiG '09 report - Slice 5 - More presents

Each of the four unschooling conferences I've been to has included "Fairy Godparents" (secret pals). This is the first year I've participated, and it was *really* fun.

On the first day, we filled out a form with a little info about ourselves. Then all the forms went into a box, and we clambered wildly took turns drawing out forms. The person whose form I drew was my Fairy Godchild, and it was my job to leave anonymous surprises for this person all through the weekend. Likewise, someone was my Fairy Godparent. These surprises could be left in the lobby or at the appropriate hotel room door or delivered by a willing accomplice (aka MJ and Chloe).

I pulled Jenny's name. She's another unschooling mom. I left her a hand-lettered sign, a "Queen Jenny" over-the-shoulder banner, a fresh rose (stuck in a hastily converted Mike's bottle), some Junior Mints, and a little origami box purchased at the Untrepreneurial Fair.

Galen was my Godparent. He's about 10, I think. He left me some temp tattoos, some chocolate, a bouquet of lilacs, some glowsticks (which I wore at the dance), and something else I'm forgetting. I was pretty spoiled!

I'd be hard pressed to tell you whether I enjoyed the giving or the getting more. I think I'm hooked!

LiG '09 report - Slice 4 - Presents

I love going to the main presentations at an unschooling conference. I've never once failed to get something valuable out of a talk.

But the speakers I listened to at this year's LIFE is Good Conference were Really Special, and they tackled some of unschooling's meatier issues. Schuyler Waynforth talked about why TV is so valuable in an unschooling (or any) home. Biologist David Waynforth presented the science behind unrestricted food choices. Kevin Snavley told us about being an unschooler in public school. Ren Allen talked about unschoolers leaving the nest, and also about embracing life's messier moments. Gillian Mayer offered honesty about, and a foundation for, unschooling intense kids. Jeff Sabo talked about shifting between the controlled (and tidy) corporate world and the unfettered (and rarely tidy) unschooling home. And Rain Fordyce shared her story and tools for letting go of our school-inspired resistance to unschooling and life.

It was like Christmas! And the gifts these presenters offered will continue to enhance our lives for years to come. Thanks, guys!

LiG '09 photos

Looks like Facebook is the place to find LiG photos, but I'll put some links here as I discover them.

http://picasaweb.google.com/bandhsolutions/LIFEIsGood2009#
Joyful faces
Painted cars
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mandaroo/sets/72157618800488673/
http://thewonderfulhappens.blogspot.com/2009/05/life-is-good.html (and then click Newer Post several times)

There are also albums on the Yahoo! group.

Here is Zombie Chloe, thanks to the gloriously gory makeup work of Chamille Cyphers.
(Photo credit: either Shonna Morgan or Matteo Cerullo. I think.)





The All Girl Kazoo Band
(Mary, Wendy, Qacei, MJ, Story, Chloe, Ren, ??, Heidi)


The Wyld Stallyns!—er, I mean, The Mötley Penguins


The Greybeards (Frank, Jeff, Russ)...


...and their three Sexy Backup Chicks (Ronnie, Shonna, Robin)


(Photo credit for all talent shows photos: Linda Peden Russell)

Me at the podium, delivering my second talk, "Unschooling the Wrong Way." The bumper sticker says, "Unschooling for a better TODAY."
(Photo credit: the Denga family)


Happy people. (Gillian, Frank, Ronnie)
(Photo credit: Crud, I forget. Shonna, I think.)


Frank calls this a Frank Sandwich. (Diana, Frank, Ginger)
(Photo credit: Beth Joling)

LiG '09 report - Slice 3 - A little reminder

LIFE is Good concludes each year with a lovely little picnic over at Esther Somebody park, near the hotel. As I was walking over there yesterday morning, I ended up behind a local family (not part of the conference) who were also on their way to the park. It was a mom, dad, one or two adult friends, and a little boy about 4.

At one point, he stopped to fiddle with a shrub in front of the Hilton. His mom scolded him and started counting. Then she said, "Don't you want to go to the park and play?"

Of course he does! I wanted to (but was too-polite to actually) say. He just wants to enjoy the journey, too!

While she "dealt with" him, the other adults continued on without them. So, her next move was to encourage him to "race" to catch up, running on his little 15-inch legs to catch up with adults who were too rude to wait a half a freaking second while he looked at a shrub.

Let's rewind and see what that would have looked like if those people had been part of the conference.

Walking to the park with his parents and some friends one day, a little boy stops to fiddle with a shrub. All of the adults pause and chat amiably while he explores. One or two crouch down to explore with him, perhaps pondering why leaves are green and branches are brown, or why these leaves are shaped this way when those are shaped that way. After a minute or ten (it doesn't really matter), they continue on their way, setting their pace to match the little boy's or (dare I suggest it?) picking him up to get across that last street faster and join in the fun at the park.

It is in our smallest interactions with our kids that we reveal the most about how we feel about them. I wish what that little boy learned that day about how his parents view him had been nicer.

LiG '09 report - Slice 2 - The kids

A couple weeks before LIFE is Good, my grandmother said that she'd like to come and hear me talk. I told her she'd be welcome, but I had to warn her that she might not be comfortable with the noise and activity level. After I described what it's like at an unschooling conference, she was inclined to agree.

I think it's hard for people who've never encountered free children before to see what's really happening. On the surface it looks like, well, chaos. The kids are VERY busy all weekend, scurrying from room to lobby to funshop to lobby to pool to lobby to raffle area to lobby to friend's room to lobby to game room to lobby to pool to lobby to boardwalk to lobby to another friend's room to lobby to toy room to lobby to funshop to lobby to yet another friend's room.

As you can imagine, that's a lot of kids passing through the lobby at any given moment. And they like to move fast.

But what's perhaps not immediately apparent—but that I think the hotel staff began to recognize last year and contributed to their welcoming us back this year—is that the kids are connected to parents throughout. Some carry walkie-talkies or cellphones. Others tow their parents or their friends' parents along wherever they go. Others simply touch base with Mom or Dad just about as often as they pass through the lobby. Even the teens touch base throughout the day.

And the parents are fully present for their kids. All the parents. I had dozens—hundreds!—of conversations with kids all through the weekend, ranging from quick "hello" hugs, to comforting Viola when the sign she was making didn't turn out quite the way she wanted, to helping kids pick something out at the raffle table, to talking about my lack of coordination with Vibrations drummer Akiva, to talking to Patrick about his piano playing, and so on.

I also played with a bunch of kids. I chased floatie toys in the pool with Fergus, bashed open dinosaur eggs with Kade and Wilhelmina and Cooper and Olivia and Violet and John and others, hula hooped with Gioia, spun in our pretty dresses (mine imaginary) with Vivian, and played peekaboo with just about everybody else.

Multiply that times all the parents and kids there, and you can see that it's a very connected, involved group. Our kids are free but never alone in their experiences.

One of the hotel staff told Mary Gold that we are more like a family reunion than a conference. That's a pretty accurate description, and I just love that our kids have so many siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews. They have a lot of parents, too. In fact, MJ and Chloe and several other teens spent the weekend collecting moms and dads. They found a lot of eager volunteers.

LiG '09 report - Slice 1 - The teen panel

The teen panel was amazing this year. A typical teen panel is about 8 kids, but this year we had about 20 people show up to participate or at least sit on the stage in support of their more talkative friends. They sat on the edge of the stage, while I stood behind them reading off questions submitted by the audience.

We had some good questions and some varied and interesting answers. There were moments of humor and a couple of tense moments. An example of the latter was near the end when one of the teens (a girl who has evidently had some tough experiences) asserted that her comrades are sheltered. The responses to that were firm. One girl acknowledged that she is sheltered and that she appreciates that about her life. Another said that even if they are, it doesn't mean they are unaware of the harsher realities of life.

One of the humorous moments was when someone asked how they deal with worried parents. I added, "Do you have worried parents?" MJ's response was, "Oh. My. God. She worries about EVERYTHING." It was very funny and played nicely into my "Unschooling the Wrong Way" talk the next day, where I spoke about coping with our fears.

But I think my favorite question was about what they would study if they were required to go to school. They all replied with classes that support their current interests—things they are, in many cases, already studying. I think it nicely illustrated how unschooled kids view school as a tool rather than an enemy.

I believe the teen panel will be available on .mp3. I strongly recommend checking it out.

LIFE is Good 2009

I know there are people anxiously awaiting blog posts about LIFE is Good, so I'll be posting my conference report in slices. To start, let me just say that it was an amazingly good weekend. We laughed and learned and played and partied and talked and tickled and swam and sang and romped and ruminated.

Today, we're tired and happy to be home but also wishing it could have gone on and on.

Note: Slacker that I am, I never got my camera out, so my report will be text only. I'll try to post links to other people's photos as I discover them. If you're on Facebook, you can start with the Photos of Ronnie link on my profile, which should lead you into a couple albums.

Paaaaaar-taaaaaay

We are having so, so, so, so, SO much fun. My first talk went well, and the other talks today were awesome, and the drum circle was thumpin' and the Vibrations and Amy Steinberg ROCKED THE HOUSE and then we had an impromptu dance party and now... we're tired.

Great, great, great day.

And tomorrow is looking pretty good, too...

Day 0

Greetings from LIFE is Good in Vancouver, WA. I am tucked up in our hotel room, savoring a few moments of quiet alone time. Frank is taking several people over to the Fred Meyer store for supplies, and MJ and Chloe are off with friends. (Last I saw Chloe, she and Qacei were perched on Matteo's knees in a big chair in the lobby, talking talking talking. I think MJ is off with the older teens. I'll probably see her tomorrow. Probably.)

We have already crammed so much fun into this day. We started off with a final at-home band practice, then broke everything down to fit it into the van. With some concentrated group effort, we were ready to start painting the van windows just about the time it stopped raining at about 11 a.m. Perfect! The rear window says "LIFE is Good" with lots of pretty flowers. The passenger side says, "Live Laugh Love Learn" and "Unschoolers Rock Socks Off." And the driver's side says, "Keep Right Except to Pass." (It's Frank's favorite thing to paint when we paint. The left lane hogs see it as we cruise past them in the center or right lane.)

Upon arrival at the hotel, we started bumping into Cerullos and Mayers and Anguishes almost immediately. We had lots of roadies to help us unload all the amps and guitars and such. Then Fergus showed me where his room is (taking me on a fast-paced tour of practically the whole hotel). Then we went in the nice and warm pool and watched lots and lots of cool people arrive. Then Frank and I went in search of dinner and our own supplies from Fred Meyer (where we had a mini-conference with about six other unschoolers). Then we hung out in the lobby, had an impromptu door sign-making funshop, and talked and talked and talked with old friends and new.

And now I'm totally pooped and making an early night of it so I will have loads of energy for the first official day of the conference tomorrow. Good night!

LIFE is Good schedule is now available

The fabulous Zenmomma has posted the conference schedule! Hurray! Now I can start planning my conference days and being sad about the things I'll have to miss because I am not Multiple Man.

Multiple Man:


Not Multiple Man:

I hope to get to most of the talks, because those are my favorite part. But a lot of the funshops and chats look really good, too. Decisions, decisions.

Here are my personal contributions:

• Thursday, 7 p.m. - Share Your Skills funshop (hosting with MJ)
• Friday, 10 a.m. - "Unschooling Teenagers: RATS in the House" talk
• Friday, 4 p.m. - LIFE is Groovy Drumming Circle
• Saturday, 2 p.m. - Teen Panel (as Mostly Silent Moderator)
• Sunday, 2 p.m. - "Unschooling the Wrong Way" talk

Busy weekend! But thanks, Mary, for spacing my stuff out so nicely!