Warty, warty mom-warts

Ronnie today

I am in an exceptionally bad mood for no good reason. This seems like an excellent time to post about my flaws.

Attention: You are now entering a shame-free zone. If you are feeling judgmental, go somewhere else. Thank you.

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My best buddy, Steph, said something to me in a recent email, in response to my comment that I was looking forward to our upcoming empty-nest trial period. She said, "In public you are the invincible 24-hour RU mom. I forget that you are susceptible to weary-of-momness."

Steph knows me very well. We've been friends since, oh, about 1985, and we have talked or corresponded most days since the day we met. If Steph can be surprised by my moments, it means I am not being forthcoming enough about those moments, and I am painting an unfair picture of what being an unschooling parent looks like.

So, here, for the record, I state unequivocally that sometimes I just simply SUCK.

I have bad moods. I snap and snark at family members. I get tired and overstimulated and sometimes decline to engage with a kid or spouse who is interested in talking with me.

I have helicopter-mom tendencies that occasionally eclipse my awareness that my kids don't need that kind of parenting. I say things I shouldn't say, offer reminders about things that are none of my business, and ask for "courteous" status updates at times when the real issue is my own fears.

I am sensitive to noise and too often ask people in my house to quiet down or take their movie-watching selves to the other TV. I am ridiculously irritated when other people fail to adhere to my systems and do really heinous things like attempting to recycle the lid of a bottle, or not putting the scissors where they go, or leaving a dish on the counter even though I for once have emptied the damned dishwasher.

I am currently going through a period of life-weariness that feels like swimming in molasses, so, yeah, I am looking forward to our upcoming empty-nest trial period. In the meantime, I am more than usually self-involved and reclusive and grouchy and prone to resentment.

So, what does all this mean to our unschooling?

Short answer: Not a damned thing.

Long answer: The members of an unschooling family really live together, and our particular unschooling family is fully together a lot since I work at home. There are not many secrets in our house, you know? Frank and my kids know my flaws and failings all too well; whatever smokescreen I manage online does not carry over to our in-person life. They have no choice but to be used to me.

This means that, while they do not necessarily take my lesser moments in stride, they certainly know that they are moments. I am not defined by my bad moments but by my whole self, and my whole self is
Ronnie Maier, dedicated unschooling mom, peaceful partner, and woman who never stops trying to do better.

Unschooling and the relationships between family members in an RU household don't flourish because we have found some magical way of avoiding bad moods, screwups, and sad times. No, they flourish because the philosophies we live by—my infamous RATS: Respect, Acceptance, Trust, and Support—are not just for good moods, successes, and happy times; they're for all times. And those philosophies don't flow only from parent to child but from child to parent and partner to partner.

We are not perfect, and I am certainly not. But we are in this together. We give each other the benefit of the doubt, a Get Out of the Doghouse Free card, or simple forgiveness as needed. And we never stop trying to do better.

Coping with traditional parenting - 2nd edition

In September 2009, Shonna Morgan and I hosted a circle chat at the Good Vibrations Unschooling Conference. We called it "Strangers in a Strange Land: Coping with Traditional Parenting." It went really well, and, since it was partially inspired by a conversation I had with LIFE is Good alum Renee' Cabatic (who was not able to attend GV), we decided to offer it again at LIFE is Good this year. The turnout was amazing, and our circle chat turned into a first-rate brainstorming session.

The question we tried to answer: "On a situation-by-situation basis, how can we improve the lives of children who are being parented traditionally (or worse)?"

To read the notes from the Good Vibrations chat, go here. The coping strategies suggested by the participants at LIFE is Good follow.

INTERVENING IN VIOLENT MOMENTS

• If it's safe, get close and look horrified. Be an obvious witness.
• If getting close is not safe, pre-dial your cellphone to 911 and inform the violent one that you have done so.

INTERVENING IN ANGRY MOMENTS

• Do something surprising or silly or distracting. Break the tension. Shake things up. Carry a little bottle of bubbles in your purse.
• In a timeout situation, act as if the timeout is a fun game and join in.
• Create a space for an overwhelmed child to express himself.
• Empathize with the parent.
• Offer to help.
• Pretend to be new to a peaceful parenting method—"Oh, I just found this technique that really helps"—and share it with the parent.
• Talk to the kid to talk to the parent. Amplify the kid's perspective. "Waiting in line is really hard, isn't it?" "Oh, look at all the candy. Don't you wish we could buy all of it?"
• Help the child find a solution. Usually the child will have to give in to the parent's demands, but you can show her that you understand the conflict. Amplify the parent's perspective—"I think your mom really wants to leave now"—and show that you understand the child's perspective, too—"but you're not ready to leave yet, are you?"
• Act oblivious to the tension of the moment. "What a cute little guy!"
• Counter negative messages by offering additonal perspectives.

HELPING WITH CHILD BOREDOM
(airplanes, lines, kids trapped in strollers)

• Be playful. Give the child clear permission to play so that both parent and child know it's okay.
• Bubbles (as mentioned above).
• Pipe cleaners, stickers, little toys.
• Goodie bags (keep one in purse, replace as needed).
• Ask your own kids to be emissaries. Other parents don't feel as threatened by kids, and kids tend to be fascinated by other kids.

WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS YOU SEE REGULARLY

• Any of the above.
• Model peaceful parenting every chance you get.
• Spanking is NOT allowed in your home. Don't be afraid to say so.

How to fight

I haven't blogged in so long that I thought I'd go ahead and post this here. I wrote it for Unschooling Partnerships, a new list on Yahoo! Groups where unschooling parents can discuss bringing the principles of unschooling into our marriages or partnerships.

--HOW TO FIGHT--

I grew up in an environment where disagreements were handled loudly. I used to store scathing things to say, and I always got the chance to use them. That is the method of communication I brought into my relationship with Frank.

Well. Let's just say it did not work very well. When I went into a conversation with Frank with either volume or accusations, that was pretty much the end of the conversation. A brick wall is more responsive and communicative than Frank when he feels attacked. I learned this pretty quickly, but I didn't have any other tools, so there was a stretch there where our disagreements were looooooooooooooooooong periods of silence. The tension in the room was all consuming.

By now, we've developed some better tools. These mean, first off, that we have fewer fights. We check in with each other earlier and nip a lot of them in the bud. Disagreements that do get to the angry stage tend to be short-lived because, essentially, we have learned how to fight more effectively.

I'll share some of our tools and habits here and look forward to hearing what
works for you.

Rule #1: Cardio. No, just kidding (although it probably wouldn't hurt). Our prime directive, as it were, is to use "I" statements. I feel, I want, I wish, I am hoping, I am trying to accomplish X. The minute we get into "you do this, you do that," the conversation is in trouble. Accusations beget defense, and we can't connect if we're defended against each other.

Take things one at a time. When our emotions (mine and his) are in a messy stew, we tend to lump disparate complaints into one Big Issue. As soon as we break them back down into their separate selves, we begin to see solutions instead of overwhelm.

Stay on target. I actually learned this from a manager whom I otherwise detested. She would listen very intently to side issues that cropped up, and then firmly direct the conversation back to her goal for the meeting. With us, if we start out talking about issue A and issue B comes up, we try to table issue B for the time being. That way, the main concern of whoever initiated the conversation doesn't get lost, and issue B will still be there whenever we have the time and energy to address it.

Avoid escalation. This is mostly for me. Frank never escalates. When he gets pissed, he clamps his mouth shut so tight I sometimes wonder if he'll ever get it open again. :-) But I react to hurts verbally and quickly, so I have learned over the years to check my reactions. I slow things down. I breathe. I ask for clarification. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" If the answer is yes, I try to respond with puzzlement instead of outrage: "I don't understand why you would say that."

Allow your partner's feelings. Feelings aren't always rational and logical. They aren't always fair. In fact, they often come from "old tapes," as Frank says, that are so emotionally charged that rationality, logic, and fairness are way out of reach. Try to have compassion for the hurt contained in those old tapes, even as you ask your partner to move forward with you.

Don't overreact. For whatever reason, having somebody mad at me sends me into a tailspin. I guess I'm phobic about anger. A week or so ago, Frank was mad at me and I didn't know why and he wasn't ready to talk about it. By the time we did talk about it, I had been through our entire divorce in my head. And this even after I had meditated on it and recognized how I was overreacting! Then of course, it was *nothing*, just a bad mood really, and boy, did I feel silly. Ah, well, learning all the time.

My last one is something about being solution-oriented. I'm having trouble articulating it, because so often our solution is to "go forth and sin no more." Maybe it's more about recognition than solution. It's about always moving out of the disagreement with renewed commitment to be kind, attentive, and responsive.

Other ideas?

Helping kids with anger

Disclaimer: I react very strongly to the anger of others and therefore often have trouble responding calmly. It should be noted then that the following process represents an ideal to reach for rather than a claim that I have any special ability to reach it.

Step 1: Stop the insanity. Or kick it up a notch. If physical violence is occurring, stop it. Be quiet and act. Intervention might mean stepping between two combatants, moving one kid away, or doing something so startling that the kids stop fighting to look at you. A sudden chicken dance might work.

Step 2: Reflect. "Whoa, you are really angry." This is SO important with small kids, I can't even begin to tell you. They are often so overwhelmed by their emotions that they don't have any words for them. Plus, you show quite clearly that you SEE them.

Step 3: Deflect. "Here, hit this pillow instead of your brother." A kid who is hitting needs an outlet, badly. To expect an angry kid to stop and stifle the way adults do is crazy, not to mention psychologically contraindicated.

Step 4: Provide deeper reflection and empathy. "I understand. I get so frustrated when things like that happen." Remember that anger is almost always a cover for some other emotion. You can help SO much by helping the child identify the underlying emotion.

Step 5: Suggest and model alternatives. "When I'm angry, stomping my feet helps." Then do some stomping. As the atmosphere lightens up, try for playful: "And when I’m REALLY mad, I growl like a giant."

Step 6: Love 'em up. What will reassure your kid that expressing anger is okay? Hugs? Quiet time playing with cars? Snuggles on the couch? A bike ride together? Whatever it is, do that.

Step 7: Repeat as needed. If learning to deal with anger were easy, there wouldn't be so many people in therapy. Remember that your child is not (NOT!) going to get it on the first try. You will (WILL!) need to go through this process again and again. Be patient. Take the long view.

Related post: Averting intensity

Averting intensity

Changing the moment
I am a shiny person. In unschooling parlance, this means I am sensitive and emotional. In practical terms, it means my emotions can be a little dangerous, and I've learned to sloooow doooowwwn my responses to give myself time to find better ones.

My sensitivity means I am easily overwhelmed by stress (aka, life). It brings along a side effect that can be pretty exhausting but that provides a nice benefit when interacting with kids, and especially with groups of kids: I am usually tuned in to the emotions in a room.

Don't get me wrong: I commit my fair share of social gaffes. And how! But I get the added fun of being painfully aware of every misstep and exactly who it bothered.

Anyway, with kids, I am often able to see when they are starting to feel upset or overwhelmed by what's going on around them. This gives me the opportunity to change the moment and keep things on a more even keel.

Here are some things that help:

Being silly. Pratfalls. Funny faces. Tickles. Sudden bursts of song. Whatever feels right for lightening the moment. Then find solutions. The idea is not to distract kids from what bothers them but to get to a better starting place.

Motion. Even in my most inept parenting phase, I knew the value of this one. MJ and I would be at loggerheads (over surely inconsequential things if I had but stopped to think), and I would scoop her up and run around. This probably looked startling to observers, because I would have been so clearly at wit's end, but it was way better than smacking her.

Nowadays, I am never at loggerheads with a toddler. That I ever was makes me hang my head in shame. Toddlers demands are never unreasonable. Never. Feel free to leave comments with exceptions to that, but you can expect me to argue with you.

But the scoop-and-run, more gently done, can still come in handy. I've seen my friend Gillian use a silly-tinted variation to rescue Fergus from well-meaning Ronnies and other friends.

Lack of action. Just stop. Wait. Hug your kid.

Coming out of my most inept parenting phase, I discovered the remedial value of a good hug. I began to live by the motto "When in doubt, hug your kid."

We also had a little soothing ritual. I would hold the kid I was in conflict with and rock back and forth, murmuring "One, Two, Buckle My Shoe." It was cool-down time for both of us and very comforting. And neither of us was made to feel isolated. (A timeout is punishment, people. Don't do it.)

Lack of speech. When I don't know what to say, I keep quiet. Or I say, "Let me think about that." Just giving myself this time is usually enough to clear out some stress so I can see more options. (This one works great at work, too.)

Write it down. A few years back, Maddie really wanted to come to my house. It wasn't going to work out that day, and she was starting to get upset, so I pulled a piece of paper out of my purse and said and wrote, "Maddie wants to come over." She cheered up instantly, because she'd been heard. And even small kids know the power of the written word, amen.

I made sure to follow through with an invite so this was an honest solution and not a trick.

(I believe I got this idea out of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, a book I highly recommend.)

Try something new. Introducing a new thing into the immediate environment can quickly defuse tension and conflict. A sloshy tub of water is almost surefire. Running water and a toddler? That's gold. Bubbles. A big pile of paper and some markers. Coming out with a towel over my head, moaning like a ghost (see "Being silly" above).

Again, the point is not to avoid conflict entirely or to distract kids from their emotions. It's about getting to a happier place before you start addressing them. 'Cause solving any problem is easier if you've just been laughing together over your weird friend with the towel on her head.