Privacy statement

I was just reading comments from a woman who finds it odd when OKP (other kids' parents) befriend her daughter on Facebook.

Oops.

Here I am, odd again.

Surprise, surprise.

Yes, it's true: I have lots of friends, on FB and MySpace and in real life, who are kids. Unschoolers, nieces, nephews, younger cousins. I'm even friends with my own kids. Shocking, I know.

About Face(book)

Part two of her comments was the revelation that her daughter doesn't want her to join Facebook. She didn't seem to mind much, and, to her credit, she doesn't see that request for privacy as a Big Red Warning Flag to start monitoring her daughter's Internet interactions.

But I found it kind of sad.

I do understand the daughter's wish for privacy. I am, after all, a daughter myself, and a niece and a cousin and a granddaughter. I understand that knowing family members are reading what one writes can sometimes cause one to feel a need to temper one's writings. For example, out of respect for my dad and Uncle Morrie and a few others, I have let out a mere fraction of my frustration with the Bush administration (yes, really, you've seen only a fraction). And I usually find other outlets (Hi, Steph!) for the petty frustrations that come with most human relationships.

So, yeah, I understand. Awareness of your audience can have a dampening effect—sometimes good, sometimes bad—on what you write. And maybe this kid wants a place to flirt with boys without her mom watching, or maybe she wants to swear without being scolded, or maybe she just wants to be able to pretend her audience is limited to the people she is writing for. I understand that, too.

The snark factor

In some ways, this whole Internet presence thing would be easier if we could pick and choose. I could say all the snarky things I want. I wouldn't have those wincing moments of discomfort for the snarky things I do let through the filters. "Oh, I read your blog all the time," a lurker reveals, and my instinctive reaction is, Oh, shit, what have I said on there lately?

The other day, I made a slightly snarky comment on Facebook about cops speeding down my street, kind of forgetting that my cop cousin's wife is one of my friends. "Should Bruce be offended?" she asked with a smile. Wince.

Hmm, yeah, sometimes it would be nice if the things I put out on the Internet got seen only by the audience I'm picturing when I write them.

But here's the thing. No, here are two things:

One: The Internet is not a private place. If you want privacy, this is not the place for you. You can't control the audience. For myself, for now, I'm choosing publicity over privacy.

Two: The Internet is not a private place! That's the point. It is all about community. Like it or not, that mom is part of that girl's community.

But if the girl doesn't like it, maybe the why not? is worth exploring.

One theory of Why Not
While sitting in the orthodontist's waiting room the other day, I read an article about parents spying on their kids. The "experts" in the article try to walk a line between "allowing" kids their privacy and keeping kids safe. "It's a given that you set limits on screen time, block offensive Web sites, and set up filters to block inappropriate spam," the author says. Really. That's a given? Says who? And it goes downhill from there, with commentary about checking kids' cell phone logs, reading their text messages and journals and e-mail, installing GPS tracking devices, and so on.

Let me tell you about my kids' privacy. They have it. Period.

MJ has kept a journal for years. It's a beautiful leather book she got from her Aunt Judy. Most days, it sits on our coffee table. It has no lock. Some days, the temptation to take a peek in there is HUGE. But I never have.

Do you know why? Because she leaves it on the coffee table. She trusts me not to snoop. I can't even imagine violating that trust. It hurts just to think about violating that trust.

If I did, maybe my kids would be asking me to stay off Facebook, too.

Predators and porno and monkeys! Oh, my!
So, what about safety? What about all the predators on the Internet? What about all the inappropriate content?

Well, folks, my kids do not live in a vaccuum. I could restrict them from the Internet completely and there would still be predators in their world. Kids were preyed upon before the Internet ever existed, people. There are predators in their neighborhoods, their schools, their churches, their workplaces, and sometimes even in their homes.

And the content? How ridiculous. If my kids want to look at pornography, do you really think they are too stupid to find a way to do it? In this culture? Give me a break. So, first off, I think it is pointless to even try to restrict what they see. And second off, whatever they see, I know they are equipped to handle it. They grew up in this culture. Their sensibilities are tuned to this culture. Words and images that cause me discomfort or disgust they can disregard with a quick eye roll.

When I was a kid, I was freaked out by the flying monkeys in "The Wizard of Oz." Those soaring simians saddled my psyche with scars. I mean, look at this thing:

(shudder)

I wouldn't let my kids watch "The Wizard of Oz" for years. And of course when they did they thought it was perfectly ridiculous and weren't scared at all. The Disney movies they had seen by then dealt with far scarier themes than monkeys with wings. Their culture is different from the one I grew up in, and I'm not talking about the unschooling culture here. The world is different than it was when I was growing up.

As with so many things, I trust my kids to handle themselves. I offer help, of course, and cautionary notes, and conversation, and the occasional—rare, really—hardly-worth-mentioning bit of unsolicited advice.

Beyond that, it's none of my business.