Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Except me
For the past couple of years on this blog, I've been writing about accepting people as they are. During that same timeframe, I've been doing some work on accepting myself as I am. I have a ways to go there. You see, acceptance applies to everyone but me. I must be perfect.
I have no idea what the hell "perfect" is except that I know when I'm not being that. Which is often.
Recently I've been putting in very long days at work. They start at 6:30 a.m. and, counting commute and the occasional hour of so-called downtime (when my brain remains dominated by work thoughts), they end at about 11 p.m. I'm doing the work of two people, and I'm doing it damned well.
But I'm short on sleep, and I'm tired, and most nights I go to bed feeling like an utter failure because there is always so much that didn't get done that day. The work is never done, and my personal commitments are suffering. I have nothing left for my family except snarky comments about the housework that didn't get done while I was working. The only one who gets any quality time is Rigby, and that's because she attacks me or cuddles with me until I pay attention to her. (That's the solution, Frank and MJ and Chloe and Emma: pounce on my feet or get in my face if you want some time from me.)
I suck, and I refuse to accept that this is Who I Am.
Let's try that again. I don't suck. But I'm ridiculously human. And accepting me for Who I Am is a process rather than a switch I can flip.
That's true with the kids too, of course. They are also human, with foibles and preferences and habits and their own varying capacity for daily accomplishment. Living with them involves some daily adjustment of my expectations and my attitude. But I don't look at, for instance, Chloe's foibles and preferences and habits and accomplishments and think, "She sucks." I don't think, "There she goes again, being imperfect." And I don't qualify "human" with "ridiculously" when I talk about her humanness. Only my humanness is ridiculous in degree.
I'm special that way.
For the last couple months, I've been doing this thing where I take those "special" thoughts in my head and amplify them by saying them out loud. I am trying to hear myself better, trying to hear how hard I am on myself. What's been the most illuminating about this practice is how very distressing my family members find it when they hear me say these things. They find them vicious and frightening and cause for immediate remediation, not of anything I've done or failed to do but of the underlying belief that I'm expressing.
They are horrible beliefs.
What gets really tricky is that accepting myself as I am includes accepting that I have them.
I expect perfection in/of myself. And that's okay.
I am really hard on myself. And that's okay.
I can practice loving-kindness with everyone but me. And that's okay.
I have less time for my personal life when work is busy. And that's okay.
Except none of those is really okay. They are all things I'd like to improve. And that's okay too.
This acceptance business ain't for sissies.
I have no idea what the hell "perfect" is except that I know when I'm not being that. Which is often.
Recently I've been putting in very long days at work. They start at 6:30 a.m. and, counting commute and the occasional hour of so-called downtime (when my brain remains dominated by work thoughts), they end at about 11 p.m. I'm doing the work of two people, and I'm doing it damned well.
But I'm short on sleep, and I'm tired, and most nights I go to bed feeling like an utter failure because there is always so much that didn't get done that day. The work is never done, and my personal commitments are suffering. I have nothing left for my family except snarky comments about the housework that didn't get done while I was working. The only one who gets any quality time is Rigby, and that's because she attacks me or cuddles with me until I pay attention to her. (That's the solution, Frank and MJ and Chloe and Emma: pounce on my feet or get in my face if you want some time from me.)
I suck, and I refuse to accept that this is Who I Am.
Let's try that again. I don't suck. But I'm ridiculously human. And accepting me for Who I Am is a process rather than a switch I can flip.
That's true with the kids too, of course. They are also human, with foibles and preferences and habits and their own varying capacity for daily accomplishment. Living with them involves some daily adjustment of my expectations and my attitude. But I don't look at, for instance, Chloe's foibles and preferences and habits and accomplishments and think, "She sucks." I don't think, "There she goes again, being imperfect." And I don't qualify "human" with "ridiculously" when I talk about her humanness. Only my humanness is ridiculous in degree.
I'm special that way.
For the last couple months, I've been doing this thing where I take those "special" thoughts in my head and amplify them by saying them out loud. I am trying to hear myself better, trying to hear how hard I am on myself. What's been the most illuminating about this practice is how very distressing my family members find it when they hear me say these things. They find them vicious and frightening and cause for immediate remediation, not of anything I've done or failed to do but of the underlying belief that I'm expressing.
They are horrible beliefs.
What gets really tricky is that accepting myself as I am includes accepting that I have them.
I expect perfection in/of myself. And that's okay.
I am really hard on myself. And that's okay.
I can practice loving-kindness with everyone but me. And that's okay.
I have less time for my personal life when work is busy. And that's okay.
Except none of those is really okay. They are all things I'd like to improve. And that's okay too.
This acceptance business ain't for sissies.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Mindful tricks
it suddenly seemed much more high-minded and spiritual:
when waiting for the bus, I'd tell myself I was doing
"bus-waiting meditation"; in the slow line at the drugstore,
I was doing "waiting-in-line meditation."
~ Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project
I tried this twice yesterday. It really works! The first time, I had just gotten into my car to head to work, and I was feeling extremely stressed and anxious, suffering the torn-in-two conflict with which I am often afflicted when I must work instead of spending time with the family (and often vice versa). I thought to myself, "commute meditation," and instantly the tension eased, and I knew I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
It worked last night, too. I've always been sensitive to caffeine, but since I began eating so much healthier last August, I really feel it. I now get the same buzz from a cup of half-caff that I used to get from a cup of regular. But some days I just want my coffee, and yesterday was one such day. Come bedtime, I was still wide awake. Frank and I chatted for a while (he is long accustomed to talking me down), and then I settled into my favorite sleeping position and lay there, eyes wide. "Insomnia meditation," I murmured, and Frank chuckled, and I relaxed and began to enjoy the time to think, and before long I was asleep.
A quick review of the book mentioned above: I am enjoying it very much. It's not so much that it contains anything startlingly new as that it pulls the research and advice into one place, all made accessible through glimpses into Gretchen's family and professional life. And the book provides focus and guidelines for reshaping one's life with happiness as a core goal. It's just what I need right now.
Labels:
all systems go,
meditation,
mindfulness
Monday, July 12, 2010
Taking my chances
"Everything you do in your life is a chance to practice. It is all Dharma. When you do your chores try to be mindful. If you are emptying a spittoon or cleaning a toilet don't feel you are doing it as a favor for anyone else. There is Dharma in emptying spittoons. Don't feel you are practicing only when sitting still cross-legged.
"Some of you have complained that there is not enough time to meditate. Is there enough time to breathe? This is your meditation: mindfulness, naturalness in whatever you do."
~ Ajahn Chah
"Some of you have complained that there is not enough time to meditate. Is there enough time to breathe? This is your meditation: mindfulness, naturalness in whatever you do."
~ Ajahn Chah
Labels:
meditation,
mindfulness,
quotes
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Magic markers
We make a lot of wishes in my family. Someone's necklace clasp has worked its way to the front? Make a wish as you move it back into place. Going through a tunnel? Hold your breath and make a wish. The clock says 11:11? Make a wish. We toss wishes in fountains, send wishes to stars, blow wishes on birthday candles.
It occurred to me that all these opportunities for wishes make excellent opportunities for bringing more mindfulness into my life. In my meditation class last spring, they encouraged us to come up with markers—regular occurrences in our day that would remind us to pause and be in the moment. They suggested things like brushing our teeth, waiting for an elevator, starting the car, and so on, but I have actually found those types of things to be too routine.
I can borrow some of that wishing time, though. After all, it's time when I am already pausing for a moment to think of something nice.
It occurred to me that all these opportunities for wishes make excellent opportunities for bringing more mindfulness into my life. In my meditation class last spring, they encouraged us to come up with markers—regular occurrences in our day that would remind us to pause and be in the moment. They suggested things like brushing our teeth, waiting for an elevator, starting the car, and so on, but I have actually found those types of things to be too routine.
I can borrow some of that wishing time, though. After all, it's time when I am already pausing for a moment to think of something nice.
Labels:
meditation,
mindfulness,
the hurrier I go
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Home
I want to go home. That's what I say when times are tough. Away from stress is what I mean, from conflict and strife and imperfection. But it's not a place I've ever found. Instead, my home is joy.
It's a quiet evening after a busy week, spent reading my own blog and laughing with online friends even though a few hours ago I swore I was "socialled out."
It's a brilliant moment of connection over a spreadsheet, of all things, sharing formulas and optimism with Chloe—she of the healthy savings account who could teach her mother a thing or two about impulse control but perhaps has a few things to learn about being the bad guy.
It's a bottle of cheap champagne, opened perfectly by my laughing waitress, MJ, even though it's her first time to play sommelier. She joins me in a glass and then forgets all about the bottle left standing on the counter, our finest Cook's going flat as she simply lives her life, hardly knowing or caring that she is confounding the dire predictions of teen-phobic people everywhere.
It's talking small but vital details of Our Music with Frank, and the thrill of finding a new passion to share. After all these years!
It's two sisters happily tucked into the basement together, using up all their stolen video minutes and then figuring out what to do next, occassionally sending peals of laughter and a few strange noises floating up the stairs to entertain us.
It's even the damned Christmas tree, its lights shining merrily for one last night before I deal with it tomorrow.
And it is tomorrow, and the promise of another day of discovering the sweet small joys of home.
It's a quiet evening after a busy week, spent reading my own blog and laughing with online friends even though a few hours ago I swore I was "socialled out."
It's a brilliant moment of connection over a spreadsheet, of all things, sharing formulas and optimism with Chloe—she of the healthy savings account who could teach her mother a thing or two about impulse control but perhaps has a few things to learn about being the bad guy.
It's a bottle of cheap champagne, opened perfectly by my laughing waitress, MJ, even though it's her first time to play sommelier. She joins me in a glass and then forgets all about the bottle left standing on the counter, our finest Cook's going flat as she simply lives her life, hardly knowing or caring that she is confounding the dire predictions of teen-phobic people everywhere.
It's talking small but vital details of Our Music with Frank, and the thrill of finding a new passion to share. After all these years!
It's two sisters happily tucked into the basement together, using up all their stolen video minutes and then figuring out what to do next, occassionally sending peals of laughter and a few strange noises floating up the stairs to entertain us.
It's even the damned Christmas tree, its lights shining merrily for one last night before I deal with it tomorrow.
And it is tomorrow, and the promise of another day of discovering the sweet small joys of home.
Labels:
gratitude,
mindfulness,
teens,
the love of my life
Friday, July 24, 2009
Mindful learning
I mentioned a few days ago that I am reading Ellen J. Langer's book "The Power of Mindful Learning." It is proving to be a fascinating read, despite some muddy writing in places. The book contains a lot of information about numerous studies that show how learning really works, and I strongly recommend that you read it yourself if you're so inclined.
Here, I'm going to pull out a few excerpts that really resonated with me, and that support her contention that some of the deepest rooted beliefs in education are myths.
Myth #1: The basics must be learned so well that they become second nature.
"The standard two approaches to teaching new skills are top-down or bottom-up... I sought a third alternative...
"Sideways learning aims at maintaining a mindful state. As we saw, the concept of mindfulness revolves around certain psychological states that are really different versions of the same thing: (1) openness to novelty; (2) alertness to distinction; (3) sensitivity to different contexts; (4) implicit, if not explicit, awareness of multiple perspectives; and (5) orientation in the present... Learning a subject or skill with [sideways learning] makes us receptive to changes in an ongoing situation. In such a state of mind, basic skills and information guide our behavior in the present, rather than run it like a computer program."
Myth #2: Paying attention means staying focused on one thing at a time.
"...when children or adults are distracted they are paying attention to something else... Being distracted, in short, means being otherwise attracted." (emphasis mine)
She discusses how studies have shown that attention is really more effective when we or what we are focusing on is changing, shifting, moving, and that the whole concept of attention as something that should be fixed or static or focused is faulty. Then she has this to say about ADHD:
"Mary Ford found that attention increased when third and fourth graders diagnosed as having ADHD were working with computer softare that used a game format. Frances Cripe found that children with ADHD demonstrated decreased activity and increased attention when listening to rock music as they performed their task. And Sydney Zentall found that when the stimuli were in color, attention increased.
"Some of the problems associated with treating ADHD and other attention problems may result from a lack of appreciation for the importance of novelty. Hyperactivity may be the child's implicit effort to increase novelty. If so, the advice to sit still and pay attention may be counterproductive." (emphasis mine)
Myth #3: Delaying gratification is important.
"If we don't open the presents until Christmas, or if we plan a trip for after the new year, aren't we delaying gratification? We are not, if the anticipation itself is positive... it is merely being gratified by anticipation as well as by the actual [event]."
"There are two approaches that educators and parents typically use to encourage children to engage in a disliked activity... They promise children that rewards (or punishments for noncompliance) will follow, or they add fun elements to the unpleasant task. In both cases they reinforce children's presumptions that the task is odious."
Myth #4: Rote memorization is necessary in education.
"Education traditionally has given students packages of information that are largely context free. Even when context is provided, the manner in which the information is presented still encourages mindless processing. Saying, for instance, that there were three reasons for the Civil War omits both context and perspective. What did a fifty-year-old Southern white man think the reasons were? A fifty-year-old black? A young Northern woman? And so on... Even if information is given from two perspectives, if the possibility of additional views is not intentionally built in, the tendency of students is to consider these two just as rigidly; there would simply be twice as much absolute information to memorize."
"[In a recent study] students who learned the material in the traditional manner and were told of an impending test performed worse than all other groups...
"...we found that the students who did not rely on memorization outperformed the others on every measure..." (emphasis mine)
Myth #5: Forgetting is a problem.
This section covers a lot of ground.
"Perhaps when we can't find our keys it is because we were thinking about more important matters when we put them down. If that were not the case, why would we forgive the geniuses among us for their absentmindedness... Geniuses or not, once we recognize that we have forgotten something we need, we become oriented to the present and reinvent or rediscover what we need to know. In this sense, forgetting provokes mindfulness. Memorizing keeps us in the past; forgetting forces us into the present." (emphasis mine)
"The prepared group [group that had been shown examples] came up with two solutions; the unprepared group came up with ten."
"These results support the view that cultural beliefs about aging play a role in determining the degree of memory loss that people experience in old age."
Myth #6: Intelligence is knowing "what's out there."
"Many theories of intelligence assume that there is an absolute reality out there, and the more intelligent the person, the greater his or her awareness of this reality... An alternative view, which is at the base of mindfulness research, is that individuals may always define their relation to their environment in several ways, essentially creating the reality that is out there." (emphasis mine)
Myth #7: There are right and wrong answers.
"Much instruction...[r]ather than allowing an individual to generate new hypotheses that may be mindfully tested... assumes that the objective is apparent and that only the means of achieving it remains obscure to the naive observer. Teaching from this perspective consists of presenting step-by-step methods of problem solving, making possible an essentially mindless type of success.
"If we can shed this outcome orientation, we may discover that the freedom to define the process is more significant..."
"Intelligence testing, which focused first on such skills as bisecting lines or judging weights and later stressed problem solving, now emphasizes the ability to acquire new skills. In each case the objective—physical motion, problem resolution, or skill acquisition—is preselected by the intelligence expert.
"When students are assessed in this way, they are not given an opportunity to choose their own objectives, nor are they allowed to explore processes that are outside the experts' repertoire of valued skills."
"...the ability to maintain stable categories is often critical for the expert's authority."
"Although social scientists recognize that applying statistical data derived from groups to individual cases is problematic, this recognition does not appear to restrict attempts to [do so]."
"For some... [uncertainty] represents an absence of personal control. From a mindful perspective, however, uncertainty creates the freedom to discover meaning. If there are meaningful choices, there is uncertainty. If there is no choice, there is no uncertainty and no opportunity for control. The theory of mindfulness insists that uncertainty and the experience of personal control are inseparable." (emphasis mine)
"When we are mindful, we recognize that every inadequate answer is adequate in another context... If we respect students' abilities to define their own experiences, to generate their own hypotheses, and to discover new ways of categorizing the world, we might not be so quick to evaluate the adequacy of their answers. We might, instead, begin listening to their questions. Out of the questions of students come some of the most creative ideas and discoveries." (emphasis mine)
Here, I'm going to pull out a few excerpts that really resonated with me, and that support her contention that some of the deepest rooted beliefs in education are myths.
Myth #1: The basics must be learned so well that they become second nature.
"The standard two approaches to teaching new skills are top-down or bottom-up... I sought a third alternative...
"Sideways learning aims at maintaining a mindful state. As we saw, the concept of mindfulness revolves around certain psychological states that are really different versions of the same thing: (1) openness to novelty; (2) alertness to distinction; (3) sensitivity to different contexts; (4) implicit, if not explicit, awareness of multiple perspectives; and (5) orientation in the present... Learning a subject or skill with [sideways learning] makes us receptive to changes in an ongoing situation. In such a state of mind, basic skills and information guide our behavior in the present, rather than run it like a computer program."
Myth #2: Paying attention means staying focused on one thing at a time.
"...when children or adults are distracted they are paying attention to something else... Being distracted, in short, means being otherwise attracted." (emphasis mine)
She discusses how studies have shown that attention is really more effective when we or what we are focusing on is changing, shifting, moving, and that the whole concept of attention as something that should be fixed or static or focused is faulty. Then she has this to say about ADHD:
"Mary Ford found that attention increased when third and fourth graders diagnosed as having ADHD were working with computer softare that used a game format. Frances Cripe found that children with ADHD demonstrated decreased activity and increased attention when listening to rock music as they performed their task. And Sydney Zentall found that when the stimuli were in color, attention increased.
"Some of the problems associated with treating ADHD and other attention problems may result from a lack of appreciation for the importance of novelty. Hyperactivity may be the child's implicit effort to increase novelty. If so, the advice to sit still and pay attention may be counterproductive." (emphasis mine)
Myth #3: Delaying gratification is important.
"If we don't open the presents until Christmas, or if we plan a trip for after the new year, aren't we delaying gratification? We are not, if the anticipation itself is positive... it is merely being gratified by anticipation as well as by the actual [event]."
"There are two approaches that educators and parents typically use to encourage children to engage in a disliked activity... They promise children that rewards (or punishments for noncompliance) will follow, or they add fun elements to the unpleasant task. In both cases they reinforce children's presumptions that the task is odious."
Myth #4: Rote memorization is necessary in education.
"Education traditionally has given students packages of information that are largely context free. Even when context is provided, the manner in which the information is presented still encourages mindless processing. Saying, for instance, that there were three reasons for the Civil War omits both context and perspective. What did a fifty-year-old Southern white man think the reasons were? A fifty-year-old black? A young Northern woman? And so on... Even if information is given from two perspectives, if the possibility of additional views is not intentionally built in, the tendency of students is to consider these two just as rigidly; there would simply be twice as much absolute information to memorize."
"[In a recent study] students who learned the material in the traditional manner and were told of an impending test performed worse than all other groups...
"...we found that the students who did not rely on memorization outperformed the others on every measure..." (emphasis mine)
Myth #5: Forgetting is a problem.
This section covers a lot of ground.
"Perhaps when we can't find our keys it is because we were thinking about more important matters when we put them down. If that were not the case, why would we forgive the geniuses among us for their absentmindedness... Geniuses or not, once we recognize that we have forgotten something we need, we become oriented to the present and reinvent or rediscover what we need to know. In this sense, forgetting provokes mindfulness. Memorizing keeps us in the past; forgetting forces us into the present." (emphasis mine)
"The prepared group [group that had been shown examples] came up with two solutions; the unprepared group came up with ten."
"These results support the view that cultural beliefs about aging play a role in determining the degree of memory loss that people experience in old age."
Myth #6: Intelligence is knowing "what's out there."
"Many theories of intelligence assume that there is an absolute reality out there, and the more intelligent the person, the greater his or her awareness of this reality... An alternative view, which is at the base of mindfulness research, is that individuals may always define their relation to their environment in several ways, essentially creating the reality that is out there." (emphasis mine)
Myth #7: There are right and wrong answers.
"Much instruction...[r]ather than allowing an individual to generate new hypotheses that may be mindfully tested... assumes that the objective is apparent and that only the means of achieving it remains obscure to the naive observer. Teaching from this perspective consists of presenting step-by-step methods of problem solving, making possible an essentially mindless type of success.
"If we can shed this outcome orientation, we may discover that the freedom to define the process is more significant..."
"Intelligence testing, which focused first on such skills as bisecting lines or judging weights and later stressed problem solving, now emphasizes the ability to acquire new skills. In each case the objective—physical motion, problem resolution, or skill acquisition—is preselected by the intelligence expert.
"When students are assessed in this way, they are not given an opportunity to choose their own objectives, nor are they allowed to explore processes that are outside the experts' repertoire of valued skills."
"...the ability to maintain stable categories is often critical for the expert's authority."
"Although social scientists recognize that applying statistical data derived from groups to individual cases is problematic, this recognition does not appear to restrict attempts to [do so]."
"For some... [uncertainty] represents an absence of personal control. From a mindful perspective, however, uncertainty creates the freedom to discover meaning. If there are meaningful choices, there is uncertainty. If there is no choice, there is no uncertainty and no opportunity for control. The theory of mindfulness insists that uncertainty and the experience of personal control are inseparable." (emphasis mine)
"When we are mindful, we recognize that every inadequate answer is adequate in another context... If we respect students' abilities to define their own experiences, to generate their own hypotheses, and to discover new ways of categorizing the world, we might not be so quick to evaluate the adequacy of their answers. We might, instead, begin listening to their questions. Out of the questions of students come some of the most creative ideas and discoveries." (emphasis mine)
Labels:
learning,
mindfulness
Friday, July 17, 2009
Questioning what you believe
So, I posted in my Friday Fill-in that I'm reading "The Power of Mindful Learning." I've actually just started it, but I already want to blog about it. Here is some food for thought from just the Introduction. It's a list of "pervasive myths" that the author, Ellen J. Langer, believes need to be questioned:
1. The basics must be learned so well that they become second nature.
2. Paying attention means staying focused on one thing at a time.
3. Delaying gratification is important.
4. Rote memorization is necessary in education.
5. Forgetting is a problem.
6. Intelligence is knowing "what's out there."
7. There are right and wrong answers.
I've blogged before about how moving into unschooling caused me to question just about everything I believed, with Why? being the most powerful question. When I ask Why? about each of those myths, I get some pretty underwhelming answers. How about you?
1. The basics must be learned so well that they become second nature.
2. Paying attention means staying focused on one thing at a time.
3. Delaying gratification is important.
4. Rote memorization is necessary in education.
5. Forgetting is a problem.
6. Intelligence is knowing "what's out there."
7. There are right and wrong answers.
I've blogged before about how moving into unschooling caused me to question just about everything I believed, with Why? being the most powerful question. When I ask Why? about each of those myths, I get some pretty underwhelming answers. How about you?
Labels:
mindfulness,
unschooling
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Right speech
I learned about the Buddhist concept of Right Speech today. In brief, it is the Eightfold Path practice of speaking truthfully, with kindness and mindfulness. In seeking to learn more about Right Speech, I found a nice article by Beth Roth that includes some creative ideas for improving communication with family members. Enjoy!
Right Speech Reconsidered
Right Speech Reconsidered
Labels:
listening,
mindfulness,
what would Buddha do
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