A Must Read for newbie unschoolers

A few weeks ago, Chloe and I attended a talk by Blake Boles. He's a staffer at NBTSC and an advocate for unschooling and teen (ad)ventures of any stripe. During his talk, he recommended Drive by Daniel H. Pink. I put a hold on it at the library and have been waiting my turn.

Well, I started reading it tonight, in between trick-or-treaters and football plays. In the first few pages, I found all the reassurance I would have needed back when I was a newbie unschooling mom.

You should read the book. But I think this is too important not to summarize.

In the 40s, Harry Harlow and a couple of other researchers gave some rhesus monkeys some mechanical puzzles to play with. Their intent was to give the monkeys time to get acquainted/comfortable with the puzzles before they began testing their ability to learn to work the puzzles. They thought that without basic-needs motivation (food, water, sex) or extrinsic motivation (punishment or rewards), the monkeys wouldn't learn. What happened instead was that the monkeys learned to work the puzzles just fine, thank you very much. Just because it was fun to work the puzzles. Just because they were curious.

This was a major psychological and cognitive discovery: intrinsic motivation not only exists but works.

But what really surprised the researchers, and what would have made a big difference to my nervous newbie self, was that when they began their formal study of the monkeys' learning and began to introduce rewards, the monkeys' performance got worse. Harlow wrote, "Introduction of food in the present experiment served to disrupt performance..."

For some reason (and maybe Pink attempts to explain it later in the book), our educational system has completely ignored this research. Our educational system is entirely based on extrinsic motivation.

But unschooling? Unschooling is entirely based on intrinsic motivation.

Q.E.D.

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Update 11:09 p.m. -- A friend directed me to this cool animation based on Drive.

Coping with traditional parenting - 2nd edition

In September 2009, Shonna Morgan and I hosted a circle chat at the Good Vibrations Unschooling Conference. We called it "Strangers in a Strange Land: Coping with Traditional Parenting." It went really well, and, since it was partially inspired by a conversation I had with LIFE is Good alum Renee' Cabatic (who was not able to attend GV), we decided to offer it again at LIFE is Good this year. The turnout was amazing, and our circle chat turned into a first-rate brainstorming session.

The question we tried to answer: "On a situation-by-situation basis, how can we improve the lives of children who are being parented traditionally (or worse)?"

To read the notes from the Good Vibrations chat, go here. The coping strategies suggested by the participants at LIFE is Good follow.

INTERVENING IN VIOLENT MOMENTS

• If it's safe, get close and look horrified. Be an obvious witness.
• If getting close is not safe, pre-dial your cellphone to 911 and inform the violent one that you have done so.

INTERVENING IN ANGRY MOMENTS

• Do something surprising or silly or distracting. Break the tension. Shake things up. Carry a little bottle of bubbles in your purse.
• In a timeout situation, act as if the timeout is a fun game and join in.
• Create a space for an overwhelmed child to express himself.
• Empathize with the parent.
• Offer to help.
• Pretend to be new to a peaceful parenting method—"Oh, I just found this technique that really helps"—and share it with the parent.
• Talk to the kid to talk to the parent. Amplify the kid's perspective. "Waiting in line is really hard, isn't it?" "Oh, look at all the candy. Don't you wish we could buy all of it?"
• Help the child find a solution. Usually the child will have to give in to the parent's demands, but you can show her that you understand the conflict. Amplify the parent's perspective—"I think your mom really wants to leave now"—and show that you understand the child's perspective, too—"but you're not ready to leave yet, are you?"
• Act oblivious to the tension of the moment. "What a cute little guy!"
• Counter negative messages by offering additonal perspectives.

HELPING WITH CHILD BOREDOM
(airplanes, lines, kids trapped in strollers)

• Be playful. Give the child clear permission to play so that both parent and child know it's okay.
• Bubbles (as mentioned above).
• Pipe cleaners, stickers, little toys.
• Goodie bags (keep one in purse, replace as needed).
• Ask your own kids to be emissaries. Other parents don't feel as threatened by kids, and kids tend to be fascinated by other kids.

WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS YOU SEE REGULARLY

• Any of the above.
• Model peaceful parenting every chance you get.
• Spanking is NOT allowed in your home. Don't be afraid to say so.

A note on spanking

I'm cleaning off my computer and found this bit that I wrote about spanking, in response to someone who believes that when kids are not "disciplined," it leads to problems. His argument was that kids heal from the hurt of discipline but flounder without it.

I have done it both ways. I spanked my kids, and then I stopped spanking them and started hugging them instead. ("When in doubt, hug" was my mantra.) I disciplined my kids, and then I stopped disciplining them and started listening to them instead. This little study, conducted in my house, with my own kids as both test subjects and control group, showed all too clearly what the effects of punitive discipline are. In a word, the effects are BAD. My kids when spanked were sadder, angrier, sneaky, defiant, rebellious, and starting to move away from me. As preschoolers! What they are now, at 17 and nearly 16, is happy, open, trusting, and both independent and attached (depending on the moment and the mood).

What unschooling parents do instead of discipline is modeling, coaching, and debriefing. The first speaks for itself; we are kind and polite and playful, so our kids learn to be kind and polite and playful. The second and third involve a gazillion small conversations before, during, and after an event. "Grandma will appreciate it if..." "When people ask for the magic word, they want you to say please." "If you need some quiet time during the party, just let me know." "If you need help getting Jessica to share, let me know." "The reason Billy got upset today was..." "You know what might help next time?" And so on and on and on.

In an intense situation, we simply *act*. For example, if a child goes near the road, we move the child. If a child is unable to cope with whatever is going on, we remove the child--not as punishment, but as a loving partner who is helping her.

What happens when kids are raised with respect and partnership instead of discipline (punishment) and authority is that *kids trust their parents*. They listen to us. They ask for our help. They look to us for cues on how to act. They talk to us about their experiences, hopes, ambitions, frustrations, and worries.

And when they get to be teens, they (and their friends!) still like spending time and talking with their parents. Every moment when our kids were younger where we chose to listen, trust, and respond instead of reacting with harshness or violence has paid off in spades.

So yes, healing is possible. After all, my kids were spanked and they are now well adjusted. But can I say they were unharmed by that time? Absolutely not.