NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing with routines

I read in Less that the Dalai Lama, when asked what one word he would choose to describe the secret of happiness, said routines.

I imagine there are personality types for whom this is not true. It's true enough for me that I've been giving it some thought since I read that. I have a couple of examples of small routines that give me tremendous pleasure, and that have definitely helped with my fall gloomies.

• Green smoothies – From the gathering of ingredients to the feeding the blender to the actual consumption, these magic drinks have transformed my morning into a blissful little session of self-care. And knowing that I've given my body such an infusion of healthful things makes me feel healthier, all day long. Two months of almost daily smoothies later, that's a whole lot of healthier!
• Books on CD – Each day that I commute to work (which is more days recently than usually), I go out to the car with a spring in my step because I know I get to listen to a story all the way to work. I check my disc-and-track note from the previous drive, pop in the correct CD, and cruise down the freeway feeling like I'm on vacation. The entertainment and its fabulous distraction from the frustrations of city driving can't be discounted, but it is the establishment of the routine that has given this sanity-saving measure its oomph. Every commute is fun—even the ugly ones, even the one where I limped home on the tiny spare tire, even the ones where people are rude or slow or both. Every commute. Do you know what a transformation that is for me? This post might give you a clue. (Aside: I read once about a study that people who commute are more likely to have heart attacks. I have to wonder if those stats would be different for commuters who listen to stuff they love while they drive.)

Inspired by the success of these routines, I added a Morning Pages routine, a salad-for-lunch routine, a walk-in-the-door routine, a tweeting-while-watching-football routine, a meditation-at-work routine, and an evening routine wherein I write a one-sentence journal, tweet my gratitude list, and put checkmarks on my resolution list. Each routine adds an anchor point, or perhaps a GPS waypoint, to my day. Each routine gives me comfort and enjoyment. And each routine contributes to a feeling of well being, a feeling that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and taking care of me. I really think the Dalai Lama might be on to something here.

So now I'm wondering what other routines I can add to my day...

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This concludes my NaBloPoHalfMo effort for October. Tomorrow I either start NaNoWriMo or decide a blog post per day is enough of a commitment. You'll be the first to know which I chose.

Happy Halloween!

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing with single-tasking

At its roots, Microsoft is a single-tasking company, and the task is computing. Beyond the roots, things get complicated. The company produces hundreds of products, provides continuing support for multiple releases of each product, and involves itself in dozens of industries in order to provide targeted software for those industries.

That multitasking approach trickles down. The team I'm working for at Microsoft is responsible for three key products and a number of smaller ones. Several releases of these products are planned, developed, and supported simultaneously. As a tech writer, I am involved in all three phases for most of them: I review and contribute to specifications, I write documentation to be included with new releases, and I write materials to help existing customers.

In addition, the environment here is one of fast-moving collaboration. Everybody is juggling multiple projects and multiple responsibilities for those projects, which means not a day goes by without someone being in urgent need of information or a deliverable that only one or two people on the team can provide. Meeting those urgent needs is part of what one signs on for when one works here. You stop what you are doing and respond.

With multitasking at the core of my professional life, and with my professional life taking up such a large percentage of my whole life, it can be a real challenge to make a shift to a more focused approach. But every instinct I possess is telling me that's what I need. That's why I was drawn to meditation and enjoy it so much. That's why I'm researching ways to slow down, simplify, get clear, focus, and do one thing at a time.

Doing one thing at a time... Funny that something so simple would be something I have to research, something I have to work at and practice. But it's a big change; I've been striving for "maximum efficiency" for a lot of years now.

Small example: Eating. Do you know how often I sit down to a meal without doing something else while I eat? Maybe twice a week. The other day, Chloe fixed dinner and set the table and got us all to sit down and eat together. Day before yesterday, I ate my lunch salad without checking email or surfing the 'net while I ate.

That's it. But each of those meals counted for SO much in terms of how I felt about my day and myself. It felt like I chose the proper prioritization for once. (And that I would tack "for once" on there is both accurate and disturbing.)

Those meals and moments also made me greedy for more. I want more one-thing-at-a-time moments. I want more chances to give focused attention to what's in front of me.

I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that while I was writing this blog post I did nothing but write this blog post. And, miracle of miracles, I experienced no interruptions while I did it.

If you want to read more about single-tasking, try these:
http://zenhabits.net/start/
http://zenhabits.net/light-life/
http://mnmlist.com/distractions/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/05/27/the-4-taoist-secrets-to-doing-less-and-getting-more-done/
http://doingless.net/

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing with history

One of the professors in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter books is the history teacher, Professor Binns. His story is that after he died, he got up (as a ghost) and went right on teaching his classes. He is exceptionally boring, and his classes are a good chance for the students to catch up on sleep.

Ms. Rowling couldn't have chosen a better metaphor for how schools approach the study of history.

There is a nice scene in one of the books (Chloe could tell me which one) where the kids realize that Professor Binns might be able to supply some information that they need. He is quite startled to find himself suddenly facing a roomful of attentive students. That, too, is a good metaphor. First, history is chock full of helpful information, and it is, sadly, all too rare for people to look there for answers. Second, kids are more attentive—their eyes light up!—when presented with information that is relevant to their lives. The books make it clear that the more typically dull eyes of Professor Binns' students reflect a problem not with them but with his snooze-fest teaching style.

Some real life teachers might take a lesson from that.

NaBloPoHalfMo: Equivalency test

More musings about guarantees...

I hosted a little "Intro to Unschooling" a couple weeks ago (coinciding with the James concert because some really amazing unschooling voices were gathered together for that). I gave a little talk about some unschooling basics and then my fellow concert-goers plus Heather and TJ and Frank formed a panel for a nice little Q&A session.

During my talk, I touched on how some unschooling newbies are looking for guarantees. "Do unschoolers go to college?" many ask. My personal question back in my own newbie days was "What if I ruin their lives?????" (Who's a drama queen, me? Naaah.) The answer to my question was, "What if you leave your kids in school and that ruins their lives?" My answer to the college question is, "Do high school kids go to college?" Some do, some don't. Unschooling is no different and offers no guarantees (except that your kids will know a lot more about what they want and enjoy than your average high school grad).

What I didn't address and wish I had is the question of whether unschooling provides an equivalent education.

Short answer: Not even close.

Longer answer: Schools offer a pretty limited set of classes. Much is typically* excluded from the standard high school curriculum. Here are just a few examples:

• Philosophy
• Comparative religions
• Art history
• Accounting
• Japanese
• Organic chemistry
• Hula hooping
• Peaceful resolution of conflict
• Gourmet cooking

* Emphasis on typical. Yes, I know some schools offer classes in some of these subjects. More power to them.

Unschoolers might learn about one or all of these instead of taking a class on biology. Or they might learn copious amounts about some specific aspect of biology (e.g., cellular mitosis) instead of taking the "quick dip" survey-style course that was all that was offered at my high school.

But the way that an unschooling education is decidedly not equivalent to a high school one is that everything our kids learn is grounded in their real lives, driven by their own interests and experiences, fueled by the love, support, and creativity of their parents, and enhanced in immeasurable ways by the resources offered by the unschooling community. That is something the schools come nowhere close to matching.

NaBloPoHalfMo: This vehicle does not come equipped with seatbelts

Today, I want to talk about keeping our kids safe.

It's probably what parents want most in all the world, right? For our kids to be safe. Every parental concern, from academics to hygiene to video games, boils down to this.

We had a stark reminder recently that unschooling alone is no guarantee of safety: a teen member of the unschooling community committed suicide. The news has left his friends reeling (What could they have done differently? Why didn't he know he could talk to them?) and us parents taking a hard look at how we support our kids.

I don't have any answers. Over the years, in spite of the accepting environment that is unschooling, my kids have wrestled with shame and fear and feelings of inadequacy. They've had their dark moments. I can only speculate about what has gotten them through those moments and what was missing in this boy's life or psyche that he couldn't do the same.

But his death has been an important reminder to me to Pay Attention. To connect with Frank and my kids Now. If things aren't working, I need to fix them. If they need additional or different support, I need to provide it. And above all, I need to make sure they know that I am a safe space for them. No matter what.

Frank and MJ and Chloe, how can I love you better?

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing with spelling

Spelling is a wild kingdom, but I like to play there.

A couple weeks ago, my friend Diana complained about something Oregon State University had sent 'round that contained a letter or report from a teacher talking about how a student's interest had been "peaked." In case you are one of the thousands who apparently don't know, if your interest has "peaked," it means it has reached its upper limit. The word this teacher really wanted is "piqued," meaning the student's interest had been awakened.

I recently saw someone on Facebook use "peek" instead of "pique." Yeah. If your interest is peeking, please stay away from my windows.

Peak, peek, and pique are homophones, words that have the same sound but different meanings. Other examples of homophones with which people torture the spelling-and-grammar-minded among us are: too, to, and two; their, they're, and there; and your, you're, and (less frequently) yore.

I'm the first to admit that homophones are a pain in the ass. But oy! Be more careful, folks.

Another interesting category of words is homonyms—words that have the same spelling but different meanings. These can be really puzzling. Take "spell" for example. How do you suppose that one word ended up meaning all of the following:

• a magical incantation,
• a deep influence (as in, "under a spell"),
• colloquially, a brief period of time (as in, "let's sit a spell"),
• to write or name the letters of a word, and
• to convey or bring about (as in, "that spells trouble").

At least with homonyms misspellings are less of an issue.

Speaking of misspelling, do note that second 's' in there. Misspell is a frequently misspelled word. Ah, the irony.

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing with Less

I've been reading Marc Lesser's book Less: Accomplishing More by Doing Less. I haven't finished it yet and can't offer a complete review. But one thing has resonated so strongly with me that I want to share it right away. He says:

[We can access] something deeper than the drive toward an outcome, which I call "Finding the One Who Is Not Busy." In other words, in the midst of activity, we can always find a calm and connected center. This phrase, by the way, is taken from a Zen teaching story from the seventh century, a time when Zen practice, and apparently busyness, was flourishing.

Finding the One who is not busy... Finding the Ronnie who is not busy...

He's exactly right: she is always in there. So is the Ronnie who is not stressed, or sad, or angry, or lonely. All I have to do is tune in to that calm, connected inner self. All I have to do is tap into my own quiet, my own certainly that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and my own confidence in myself to handle what comes.

The how is the tricky part. I think meditation helps, though, if for no other reason than it slows me down and gives me time to look.

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing with Dinosaurs

Frank brought home this gigantic library book. (Click to see the Amazon listing.)

It is quite eye-catching due to both its size (it covers a good third of our coffee table) and the gorgeous, photo-like illustration on the cover. Even so, it sat there untouched most of the day. Long about ten p.m., though, Chloe picked it up and started leafing through it. She began giving the dinosaurs clever, funny names, such as "WasInJurassicParkasaurus" for the compy, and "BadAssMohawkasaurus" for a dapper dino with a snazzy fringe on top.

Emma was staying over, so she was soon drawn into the game, adding her own names and laughing a lot. I pointed out that a few of their made-up descriptive names probably closely matched the meanings of the Latin-ish ones, and sure enough, Chloe started noticing that to be the case.

It was a happy, communal hour, and as such provides for a very nice moment in my imaginary Unschooling Highlights film.

1. When Frank brought the book home, he was strewing.
2. When the book sat there untouched, he and I both were refraining from being bothered by that. (Sometimes strewing "hits," sometimes it doesn't.)
3. When Chloe picked up the book, she made her very own personal use of it. (Sometimes strewing hits in unexpected ways.)
4. Fun and learning happened.

That's how it goes.

NaBloPoHalfMo: Accomplishment

Note: This post is still for NaBloPoMo, but I am temporarily abandoning the "play" theme because something else is on my mind today.

I believe people are free and able to determine for themselves when is the right time to accomplish something.

I believe people are free and able to determine for themselves what counts as accomplishment.

I believe people are free and able to determine for themselves how much accomplishment is enough—for the day, for the year, for the whole of their lives.

Enough said?

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing fast and loose with the Constitution

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment
of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...
~ Excerpt from the First Amendment
to the Constitution of the United States

I am weary of the attempts of some Christians to circumvent the Constitution. I'm talking to you, Christine O'Donnell.

Try to follow my logic here:

• If certain principles are accepted as truth only by a particular religious group, they are tenets of that religion.
• If the government attempts to teach those tenets to the children of our country, the government is respecting that religion.

It's really very simple. If you want to argue about it, you either have a religious agenda or you enjoy a good semantic debate. The former is directly contrary to the separation of church and state that our founding fathers intended and that our courts have consistently upheld. The latter just doesn't interest me right now.

NaBloPoHalfMo: Photo play

Microsoft has a new commercial that shows a mom editing her family photo to wipe out every trace of their real selves. It ends with the tag line: "Windows gives me the family Nature never could."

Um, yeah. Why would I want that?

We had a family portrait done this summer. My cousin Cory Parris did the shoot. He's a terrific photographer, and we ended up with several lovely photos to choose from. Do you know the one I chose? It's the one where our formal pose has collapsed and we're all cracking up laughing. That is the family I love and enjoy and want to remember always.

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing for keeps

Today is an international day of remembrance for people lost to suicide, particularly young people who killed themselves after being bullied or forcibly outed for their sexual orientation. Wear purple in their memory. Speak up against discrimination when you see it. Tell the kids in your life that you love them no matter what, and refrain from hate speech that might cause them to doubt that.

And if you have a kid who is being bullied in school, please consider bringing him or her home. Whatever compromises it requires—lifestyle, financial, social, familial—they are a small price to pay to help your child see that it can get better Right Now.

Some statistics from the It Gets Better Project:

• 9 out of 10 LGBT students have experienced harassment at school.
• LGBT teens are bullied 2 to 3 times as much as straight teens.
• More than 1/3 of LGBT kids have attempted to commit suicide.
• LGBT kids are 4 times as likely to attempt suicide then our straight peers.
• LGBT youth with “highly rejecting” families are 8 times more likely to attempt suicide than those whose families accept them.

The original It Gets Better video

The Trevor Project - Donate here!

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing in the past

This is a little video of women sharing what they would tell their younger selves if they could go back in time to just before their first baby was born. It's nice enough but left me unsatisfied. This is what I would tell my younger self:

• Relax. You have nothing to fear.
• Follow the principles of attachment parenting.
• Start learning now about unschooling, and get thee to an unschooling conference.
• Learn about the effects of parenting with shame. Don't do it.
• Make enjoying your babies your top priority.
• Laugh.

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing to the crowd

We made the James photo blog in a big way. I am so happy to have this photographic reminder of a Very Fun night with some amazing people (both the band and my James buddies).

Here is Larry the guitar player's blog. He took the crowd photos from the stage. Shonna and I are on the right side of the Vancouver one, some of our peeps are in the Portland one, and all of us except Carolyn are in the Seattle one.

Here is the direct link to the Seattle photo on the James site. Click to enlarge.

And here is the Seattle photo, just in case the one on the site goes away. Click to enlarge. Photo credit goes to Larry Gott. Look for our "I'm As Big As I Can Dream" custom lyric t-shirts (courtesy of Mary).

Shonna is on the left (making a heart with her hands), then Jacinta and Robin with Renee behind. I'm next to Robin. Scan right, past the lady in the green shirt, to Mary and Diana, grinning madly, with Ginger behind, Donna next to Ginger, and Donna's daughter Hannah next to her. I don't see Hannah's husband, Craig, but maybe I'm missing him. Let me know if you spot him, James pals.

We got acquainted with many of the people in the first couple of rows. These are the die-hard fans, the ones who follow the band and pay extra money to get in early. Great group.

NaBloPoHalfMo: Play of the game

I'm bored with football. This might have something to do with the lackluster season the Seahawks are having and some weird coaching decisions they've made (trading Housh?! those challenges two weeks ago?!). It also might have something to do with my moodiness, which has coincided pretty distinctly with the football season. (Blame it on football? Sure, why not.)

Frank is not bored with football at all. He, um, encourages the players and coaches through the television screen and likes to spend most of Sunday with the NFL. Days when we get to watch the Saints and the Seahawks are especially good days.

Even he is quite content to do the watching from the livingroom rather than from the stadium. We've got our tickets to all of the Hawks' home games up for sale on the NFL Ticket Exchange. We're leaving it to Fate: if the tickets to a particular game don't sell, we'll go down to Qwest Field and shell out $20 for parking and cheer and listen to Blue Thunder and eat stadium food. So far, we haven't had the opportunity; our tickets have been selling nicely—we've made back almost half the cost of the season.

Play of the game: The arrival of a "Your Tickets Sold" email in my Inbox.

NaBloPoHalfMo: Playing movies

Okay, how about SCREENplay. I have movie reviews for "The Invention of Lying" and "Red."

***Spoilers may follow, so just quit reading now if you don't like spoilers.***

The Invention of Lying. I got this one from Netflix and watched it the other night. Ho hum. I have a couple of main complaints:

1. One of the messages seemed to be that we are supposed to look beneath a person's physical appearance to the personality beneath. Uh-huh. So, what exactly was Ricky Gervais' character supposed to have seen in Jennifer Garner's character other than a pretty face? She was fairly unpleasant really.

2. Ricky's conscience won't let him use his newfound ability to lie to trick strangers into having sex with him. I guess we're supposed to like him better for this. But his conscience is perfectly okay with bank robbery, defrauding his employer and the general public, enabling a friend to get away with driving while intoxicated, and subjecting all of society to religion. Yeah. He's a great guy.

In summary, unlikable characters in a ridiculously simplistic plotline. Don't bother.

P.S. I enjoyed Ricky Gervais' performance in "Ghost Town," but found him pretty boring in this one, despite his having given himself a couple of emotional scenes to work in. (He cowrote the screenplay.)

Red. Frank and I saw this for date night last night. LOVED IT. It's billed as an action/adventure/comedy, and that's just about right. The lovely cast appears to be having a fine time through much of the filming (Helen Mirren gets to fire a big-ass machine gun while wearing an evening gown - it is SO clear why she took this role), and the jokes and gags fly as fast and furious as the bullets. Who cares if some of the plot devices are a bit tired? It's just a fun, fun, fun couple of hours. Worth seeing on the big screen.

The pile-it-on strategy for coping with depression

I have let myself get behind at work. I have procrastinated and gotten behind schedule. I have flaked out for too long and now have some catching up to do.

However I say it, the bottom line is that I need to be a busy worker bee for the rest of my life next few weeks. Unfortunately, I have never felt less like being a busy worker bee, except maybe when I dropped out of college. Since dropping out of work is not an option, I need to get moving.

Strategy #1 for this is to clear the decks (clear ALL the decks?) and Focus On Work. This may yet be what I decide/need to do.

Strategy #2 is to pile a whole bunch more stuff on my plate in an effort to kick myself into that buzzy, adrenaline-fueled, extremely productive place I can sometimes get into (usually the week before a deadline). So, I am thinking about doing NaBloPoMo (NaBloPoHalfMo?) for the rest of October and then NaNoWriMo for all of November.

Insanity? Probably, but at least it would be a different sort of insanity than I have been experiencing recently.

The suggested theme for NaBloPoMo for October is "Play." That's probably not going to work. I mean, I'll try, but I am not in a terribly playful mood.

Play...

Life's unexpected little twists and turns

I blame unschooling. It's not rational, but I do it anyway. I know intellectually that life was as unpredictable in the time before unschooling as it is now, and I know intellectually that many of the things that surprise me in life are completely unrelated to unschooling. But damn! There sure seem to be a lot of them.

I guess I could instead blame teenagers. It's hardly original—people in our society blame teenagers for a lot—but it's handy. And doing that is at least somewhat grounded in reality, since my teenagers' idea of making a plan often involves a last-minute phone call.

But really, life just happens, with or without unschooling and with or without teenagers.

MJ has been home for oral surgery and ortho appointments. She went home today, which was supposed to mark the actual beginning of our trial empty nest phase. And it does, except that our trial is going to last all of three days. Chloe is coming home. Her host/boss has a family emergency that requires travel, so she isn't going to need Chloe for an indefinite time period.

We're happy to be getting Chloe back, of course, but something about these sudden changes of plans is just hard for me. Have they always been, or am I just weary right now? Who knows, except maybe my mom.

As for Chloe, she seems to be taking it in stride and is excitedly making new and different but typically nebulous, teenager-style plans for fun stuff to do once she's home.

And life goes on.

Gratitude tweets

Thursday, 9/23
Straightforward oral surgery for MJ; Kim, Alyse, Ginger (my #rawfood gurus); quiet afternoon; neighbor kids who mow; freedom. #gratitudelist

Friday, 9/24
A date with Chloe (who leaves tomorrow), MJ feels better, Sean is here, I don't have to get up early, Justin Long. #gratitudelist

Saturday, 9/25
Gorgeous fall day, a walk with Chloe, safe air travel for Chloe, equanimity, the library. #gratitudelist

Sunday, 9/26
Football Sunday, wins (even ugly ones), uneventful trips to Seattle on game day, Twitter fun, happy reports from Chloe. #gratitudelist

Monday, 9/27
Happy multistop grocery shopping, swimming with girls, quiet time alone, productive contemplation, #Castle. #gratitudelist

Tuesday, 9/28
Tired. Having trouble coming up with a #gratitudelist. How about this: There's always tomorrow.

Wednesday, 9/29
"This number has been disconnected," Chloe home for Xmas prob'ly, apricots & almonds, a bigger venue, spitting games w/Rudy. #gratitudelist

Friday, 10/1
Decent work day, sunshine, red leaves, being able to turn to Frank & MJ when I'm overwhelmed, texting with @someonenotchloe. #gratitudelist

Mindful tricks

...I noticed that if I put the word "meditation" after any activity,
it suddenly seemed much more high-minded and spiritual:
when waiting for the bus, I'd tell myself I was doing
"bus-waiting meditation"; in the slow line at the drugstore,
I was doing "waiting-in-line meditation."
~ Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

I tried this twice yesterday. It really works! The first time, I had just gotten into my car to head to work, and I was feeling extremely stressed and anxious, suffering the torn-in-two conflict with which I am often afflicted when I must work instead of spending time with the family (and often vice versa). I thought to myself, "commute meditation," and instantly the tension eased, and I knew I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

It worked last night, too. I've always been sensitive to caffeine, but since I began eating so much healthier last August, I really feel it. I now get the same buzz from a cup of half-caff that I used to get from a cup of regular. But some days I just want my coffee, and yesterday was one such day. Come bedtime, I was still wide awake. Frank and I chatted for a while (he is long accustomed to talking me down), and then I settled into my favorite sleeping position and lay there, eyes wide. "Insomnia meditation," I murmured, and Frank chuckled, and I relaxed and began to enjoy the time to think, and before long I was asleep.

A quick review of the book mentioned above: I am enjoying it very much. It's not so much that it contains anything startlingly new as that it pulls the research and advice into one place, all made accessible through glimpses into Gretchen's family and professional life. And the book provides focus and guidelines for reshaping one's life with happiness as a core goal. It's just what I need right now.

Green smoothie heaven

I have discovered a few more tips for making green smoothie fixing fun and efficient and delicious.

1. Buy bags of organic greens at Trader Joe's. Currently, I have a bag each of their Southern Blend "greens for cooking" (mustard greens, turnip greens, collard greens, spinach), baby lettuces, and arugula. It makes getting a variety of greens SO easy, no washing is required, and they keep well.

2. Unless you like spicy smoothies, go easy on the mustard greens.

3. Add cilantro (if you like cilantro). I put in three or four stems, chopped, and it's perfect: just a hint of flavor.

4. You know those non-green vegetables that you know you should be getting but don't especially want to eat? Put them in your smoothie. I don't feel like eating whole reds and oranges right now - not even on salads - but dropping some chopped orange bell pepper in my smoothie is painless.

Pulling up my socks

When I get into a funk, I always throw everything I can think of at it, which makes it hard to tell if one of those things in particular is what helped, or a combination of things, or a hormone shift, or just pure coincidence. That means I can't get on here and share with you Ronnie's Sure-fire Cure for the Blues.

I can share my most recent collection of things I've tried. Something in here has helped!

Morning Pages which often include...
The Work

Green smoothies for breakfast and...
Huge reduction in gluten and refined sugar consumption as part of...
A new diet that is about 50% raw

Daily #gratitudelist post on Twitter

Going to the pool with Emma once or twice per week

A limited surrender to what I cannot change
An attitude of acceptance toward what I need and what I don't have energy for right now

10 essentials

Idea stolen from GQ via mnmlist.com. I think I've done something similar before, but it never hurts to reexamine one's priorities.

1. My glasses
2. My inhaler
3. My laptop
4. Notebook
5. Pen
6. A place to live, preferably with electricity, heat, and running water
7. The well-being of my tribe
8. My own well-being
9. Time to write
10. Hope

Unschooling in 140 characters or less

Another great unschooling conversation, tracked in tweets:

Tweet #1
Convo in the other room: ROUSs, urination, internal organs, prophylaxis, body scans, modern surgical methods, weather patterns.

10 minutes later
The convo continues: kidney donation, stones; hydration; fuel for bodies; waste filtering; blood circulation, types, donation.

6 minutes later
More convo: shock, amputation, wilderness survival, outswimming sharks and outrunning bears, decoys, plans for the day.

Gratitude in 140 characters or less

My friend Laureen inspired me to start tweeting a daily gratitude list. I like it a lot, and I don't want to lose the little hints into our daily lives, so I am gathering them here on my blog. Probably. Maybe. If I continue to care about preserving them.

9/17
Employment in a recession. Patient people. Having many outlets for what I need or want to say. Love of family. Books on CD. #gratitudelist

9/19
Simple pleasures: Morning Pages, green smoothies made greener with Green Goddess, HDS, football Sunday, new beginnings. #gratitudelist

9/20
Friends who share their babies, daughters who come home for visits, e-banking, conversations with Frank, self-compassion. #gratitudelist

9/21
Simplifying, saying enuf, dh who picks up slack, too-short traffic jams thx to wonderfully melodramatic books on CD, MJ home. #gratitudelist

9/22 a.m.
Snuggles w/my *adult* dd, optical illusions w/Emma, sunshine & a full moon on the autumnal equinox, having options, C. Kane. #gratitudelist

9/22 p.m.
Kind text messages from daughters, a job that accommodates my #procrastination (mixed bag), my cozy home, JK Rowling, love. #gratitudelist

Warty, warty mom-warts

Ronnie today

I am in an exceptionally bad mood for no good reason. This seems like an excellent time to post about my flaws.

Attention: You are now entering a shame-free zone. If you are feeling judgmental, go somewhere else. Thank you.

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My best buddy, Steph, said something to me in a recent email, in response to my comment that I was looking forward to our upcoming empty-nest trial period. She said, "In public you are the invincible 24-hour RU mom. I forget that you are susceptible to weary-of-momness."

Steph knows me very well. We've been friends since, oh, about 1985, and we have talked or corresponded most days since the day we met. If Steph can be surprised by my moments, it means I am not being forthcoming enough about those moments, and I am painting an unfair picture of what being an unschooling parent looks like.

So, here, for the record, I state unequivocally that sometimes I just simply SUCK.

I have bad moods. I snap and snark at family members. I get tired and overstimulated and sometimes decline to engage with a kid or spouse who is interested in talking with me.

I have helicopter-mom tendencies that occasionally eclipse my awareness that my kids don't need that kind of parenting. I say things I shouldn't say, offer reminders about things that are none of my business, and ask for "courteous" status updates at times when the real issue is my own fears.

I am sensitive to noise and too often ask people in my house to quiet down or take their movie-watching selves to the other TV. I am ridiculously irritated when other people fail to adhere to my systems and do really heinous things like attempting to recycle the lid of a bottle, or not putting the scissors where they go, or leaving a dish on the counter even though I for once have emptied the damned dishwasher.

I am currently going through a period of life-weariness that feels like swimming in molasses, so, yeah, I am looking forward to our upcoming empty-nest trial period. In the meantime, I am more than usually self-involved and reclusive and grouchy and prone to resentment.

So, what does all this mean to our unschooling?

Short answer: Not a damned thing.

Long answer: The members of an unschooling family really live together, and our particular unschooling family is fully together a lot since I work at home. There are not many secrets in our house, you know? Frank and my kids know my flaws and failings all too well; whatever smokescreen I manage online does not carry over to our in-person life. They have no choice but to be used to me.

This means that, while they do not necessarily take my lesser moments in stride, they certainly know that they are moments. I am not defined by my bad moments but by my whole self, and my whole self is
Ronnie Maier, dedicated unschooling mom, peaceful partner, and woman who never stops trying to do better.

Unschooling and the relationships between family members in an RU household don't flourish because we have found some magical way of avoiding bad moods, screwups, and sad times. No, they flourish because the philosophies we live by—my infamous RATS: Respect, Acceptance, Trust, and Support—are not just for good moods, successes, and happy times; they're for all times. And those philosophies don't flow only from parent to child but from child to parent and partner to partner.

We are not perfect, and I am certainly not. But we are in this together. We give each other the benefit of the doubt, a Get Out of the Doghouse Free card, or simple forgiveness as needed. And we never stop trying to do better.

Morning conversations

When people first learn about unschooling, and usually react negatively thereto, there is much that they don't understand about what it looks like and how it works. A prime example is the starring role that conversation plays in our daily routines.

Now that school is back in session, niece Emma is spending her days with us again. She arrives about 7:30, well before Frank and Chloe wake up, so she and I spend the mornings chatting, just we two. These conversations are sometimes, oh, mundane I suppose: what we did last night, what we're thinking about doing today.

Other days—many days—these conversations are simply brilliant unschooling gems. Last Friday was one of those days. In the space of about an hour, Emma and I talked about green smoothies (I was making one), multiplying 9s and all the cool patterns you end up with, the formation of the Traveling Wilburys (I started singing "Handle Me With Care" after spilling something), how the Beatles and the Stones fit into rock culture, Dr. Hook and "Cover of the Rolling Stone," and then—because of this cool story from Wikipedia:

In the United Kingdom, the BBC Radio network refused to play "The Cover of the Rolling Stone," as it was considered advertising a trademark name, which was against the BBC's policy. The song was re-released with a host of BBC DJs shouting 'On the cover of the Radio Times!' over the band's vocals in the choruses. The song was released as "Cover of the Radio Times" for the UK market. The BBC found no problem in playing the record, since they published the Radio Times, weekly. The single found real cult status after that.

—trademarks and copyrights.

This free range conversation—especially when combined with ready interaction with Google—is a core element of unschooling, since it is in exactly that type of conversation that we weave the web of learning, making connections between apparently disparate subjects (even Dr. Hook to trademark law!) and providing the foundation for future learning. Sometimes the connections are conscious—"Oh! That reminds me of..."—and sometimes they're not—I can't remember how the 9s multiplication tables fit in there—but they are always effortless and uniquely our own and fun. And that makes all the difference.

Size to fit

Our family recently bumped up against what I'll call institutional response. It's the way institutions respond to situations, which is to say, rigidly and without creativity. Institutions usually have reasons for their rigidity, and these usually run along the lines of "the alternative is logistically and/or financially too hard to handle" and "if we make an exception for you, we'd have to make an exception for everyone."

I have managed an institution (a traditional family is one), so I understand both the temptation and the seeming good sense of those reasons.

What unschooling has shown me, though, is that those reasons are cop-outs. There are myriad ways to run an institution (as this article shows), and rigidity is the very least of them. As unschooling parents, as human beings, we prefer to focus on the individual: the individual situation, the individual (and often extenuating) circumstances, and, above all, the individual person standing in front of us.

There is a lot of theory wrapped up in unschooling and a lot of ideals. Both of these leave a lot of room for institutional response. For instance, if one abhors school, one might be tempted (and this "one" was) to refuse to allow one's child to set foot in a school, or to decline to spend any money on formal schooling, including college. But to take either of those positions is exactly contrary to what unschooling is all about. Unschooling parents help their children attend school if the kids want to, often suffering tremendous angst and a fair amount of compromise and outright inconvenience to do so. (Imagine the dilemma faced by a friend of mine who has a nightowl household and a family that travels a lot, and who now has one daughter asking to try school.)

Other examples: Suppose an unschooling parent holds a firm belief that toy guns contribute to the violence in the world, or that plastic toys are an abomination, or that meat is murder, or that TV rots your brain. Suppose he or she believes that Christ died for our sins or that the Law of Attraction works. The institutional response to these beliefs is rules and close-mindedness: "You can't" or "You must." In her mind, the parent who employs an institutional response might have excellent reasons for the rules she sets. She might not call them rules, and she might approach the rules with gentleness and respect. She might believe she is implementing the rules without punishment. And she might perceive cooperation and understanding from her kids and think everything is hunky-dory.

But here's the deal: Any time you let your belief system or your convenience come between your child and your child's wants, goals, or desires, that is institutional response. It's rigid and it's inherently disrespectful of the individual. Also, it is punishment because when you keep your child from having what he wants, you are punishing your child, and I don't really care how you pretty it up.

The alternative to this rigidity and disrespect is adaptability and acceptance. Adapt to your child. Accept your child for Who He Is, both in this moment and in the larger sense. And always, always respond as an individual and to an individual.

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That should be the end of this post, but as I was writing it, I could just hear the comments coming in. So, let me add a couple of footnotes to head some of those off:

Convenience and compromise - Having the wants and interests of one child conflict with the wants and interests of another child is probably the hardest situation an unschooling parent faces and you have my sympathy. The complexities of such a situation are not covered by this blog post.

Your excellent reasons - I do not care what they are. Your child has excellent reasons for his or her choices, too. They count, too, and often they count more. You have had your whole life to build your belief system. Share it with your child, live it in front of your child, and then get out of his way and let him build his own belief system. He will almost certainly make some choices that you don't like. You will survive this, I promise.

New connections

We were looking at one of the girls' old picture books today, "Animalia" by Graeme Base. It is a unique and beautiful alphabet book with dozens of starts-with-the-letter pictures to discover on each page. Today, about ten years after we first read this book, we made a new discovery. On the D page is a drawing of a Dalek. Chloe gasped and then whooped when she saw it.

It's but a small example of how our perspective and knowledge base change as we tuck more years under our belts.

Unconscious mutterings #397

Want to play? Go here.

1. Gangs :: Listen
2. Contact :: Space
3. Surprisingly :: Delicious
4. Penciled :: In
5. Ignore :: Snooze
6. Let’s go! :: Come on, Barbie, let's go party.
7. Cornerstone :: Life
8. Influential :: People
9. Holistic :: Medicine
10. Lovesick :: Swain

Starting week 3

I am still loving the changes I've made to my diet, and I seem to be settling onto a plateau in terms of how far I'm going to take this for now. Here's my food routine most days:

Breakfast: Approx. 20 ounces of green smoothie with varietal fruits and greens plus some flaxseed oil.

Lunch: At work, a salad. At home, it varies. One day I had salad left over from the previous night. Another, I had leftover spaghetti and stirred some raw romaine into it. YUM! Today, I ate some California rolls, probably one of the most processed foods I've had in two weeks. But many days, I don't really eat lunch—those smoothies are filling!—and will instead snack on a handful of raw almonds until dinner time.

Dinner: Whatever Frank fixes. He's playing along a bit, so our dinners include more whole, organic, and/or free range foods than they used to. We're buying better meat (and eating less of it), which makes dinner taste SO good.

Snacks: Raw almonds, dried apricots, snap peas and other veggies, ginger snaps from Trader Joe's, and the Trader Joe's peanut butter cups that Ginger just HAD to leave behind to tempt me.

Drinks: Water, about 3 cups of coffee per week, and a very occasional glass of juice. I'm not drinking very much actually—I'll get myself a glass of water and it'll just sit there—so I think I'm getting a lot of hydration from the fruits and veggies.

As I've said previously, I'm not in this to lose weight, but I think I have, 4 or 5 pounds. We'll see if they stay off. If they do, I'm quite sure it's from the reduction in complex carbohydrates.

And I'm feeling good. I've been a little moody this week, but that's not unheard of around here. :-)

Quote of the day

Conventional parenting, which gets accepted as good parenting, is destination oriented. It's getting kids into college. It's stopping the tantrums. It's making sure kids stay away from drugs. It's about getting kids from point A to point B. It's about molding kids into what we think will help them the most.

If there is one thought that will help you understand unschooling and respectful parenting it is this: The primary goal is joyful living. All other goals are secondary.

All decent parents, of course, want their children to be happy. But they assume that sometimes happiness needs to be sacrificed to get something better.

But for unschooling, peaceful parents meeting any goal must also meet the goal of living life more joyfully.

~Joyce Fetteroll
(emphasis mine - and how!)

Why we unschool

A friend on FB asked her friends to tell her why they've made the educational choices they've made. The responses from the unschoolers are fascinating and run on a theme: honoring their children's choices and building stronger family relationships. Very cool.

Here's my answer:
Chloe was unhappy. That started it. We always planned to homeschool for middle school (aka, the place where we send our 'tweens to be tortured), but Chloe was done by the middle of 3rd grade. MJ initially planned to stay in, but after a couple of weeks at home, she decided she liked it, too. The reason we were willing to try it early was that we were just kind of unimpressed. School wasn't horrible (with Chloe's 1st grade year as a big exception), but it was so... blah. We knew we couldn't be any less inspiring. :-)

I go into more detail here.

What led you to start unschooling?

My basic green smoothie recipe

1 banana, quartered
2 or 3 handfuls of fruit (anything goes)
some leaves of romaine, ripped up to make about 2 handfuls
a small handful of "little sprout thingies" - I'll try to remember to add their real name later - MICRO GREENS - that's it, thanks, Ginger!
varietal dark greens
about a cup of water
about a tablespoon of organic, filtered, cold-pressed flaxseed oil

Variations:
a few raw almonds (soaked) - makes it a crunchy smoothie
other veggies

Tips:
- Put the fruit on the bottom of the blender. If I start with the greens, I have to get a spoon and shove things around.
- Most blenders will work. Mine leaves more texture in the smoothie than Ginger's, but it does the job.

Blend to desired consistency.

Makes about 20 ounces of smoothie, which I drink in its entirety for breakfast. It is surprisingly filling and satisfying. Yesterday, I lost track of time and didn't go down to the cafeteria before it closed. I was fine all day, drank a pint of milk and ate some raw almonds about 5, got home about 9 and had dinner. No problem with low blood sugar (and I usually have a problem with low blood sugar).

Morning musings

I've been doing morning pages again after a couple months without. I really love it. The idea is to write three pages longhand. Today, I went on to a fourth page, and WOW! Some really good insights.

Remember that little meme I did a couple days ago, where I looked up an old blog post and it supposedly revealed my true nature? Well, it hit me this morning that it worked! My true nature is to report. And that is why I love blogging, Facebook, Twitter, morning pages, journaling, writing, writing, writing. Oh, yeah, and talking. And speaking to an audience.

I also realized one of my own deepest fears, but I just tried to report on that, and no, it's private at this point.

Anyway, morning pages are great!

As I continue musing and reporting, I'm sipping my breakfast green smoothie. Lots of strawberries in this one (because they're starting to turn), and it is really yummy. So, the Increasing Raw Diet continues. Hmm. Diet in the sense of "what I eat." I'm not dieting in the sense of "trying to lose weight." Although of course I won't complain if that happens. :-)

The most surprising thing about the changes I'm making is that it's totally easy. I don't crave anything, I never have to go hungry, and I'm not missing the things I've stopped eating because if I want them, I eat them. What's remarkable is how little I want them. Carbs, for instance. I've gone from carb-junkie to carb-take-them-or-leave-them in a week, with no suffering whatsoever. And junk food? It doesn't taste very good to me anymore. I have a bite or two and I'm done.

In other words, eating healthier feeds itself. My body likes it. The stuff that's good for me has begun to give me the same high as (or better than) the other stuff.

I finished up my contract with the HealthVault team yesterday. I'm a bit sad; it was an interesting product to work on. But today I return to the Retail team, my old stomping grounds, and will have lots of friends and familiarity to enjoy.

Frank's efforts on the housepainting continue now that the rain has stopped/paused. We have our fingers crossed for a sunny September.

When unschoolers screw up

or "Why I don't ever need to impose consequences or punish"

When people hear about our say-yes, rule-free lifestyle, one of the things they have trouble wrapping their brains around is how our kids will learn to cope with obstacles, disappointments, consequences.

Yeah. At the moment, I really wish my answer were, "They won't!" But the sad truth is that they have no choice but to learn.

Recently, each of my girls has had to deal with an extreme disappointment. (It would help the narrative here if I could describe these to you, but such painful things are private.) Chloe's happened a while back, but she is still dealing with the emotional fallout. MJ's was more recent, and the scope of the emotional fallout is not yet clear. In both cases, I think it's safe to say that they feel they screwed up. I might not characterize things that way, but I know they do.

So, how do unschoolers deal with disappointments and screwups? With an astonishing degree of dignity. With some tears. With conversation and wishes and resolutions for the future. With help from family and friends. With apologies where appropriate.

Over the last few years, they have had some practice in handling disappointment, of course. They have had many small situations where things didn't go their way. They have had to struggle over, under, past, or around obstacles. They have made mistakes and dealt with consequences. I didn't have to create any of it; life just happens. But I hesitate to credit this practice with the coping ability they exhibit now. I think that might be more a factor of their environment. They have respect. They have the benefit of the doubt. They have rich friendships and healthy family relationships. And they have resources when things go wrong, people they can turn to who will help and nurture and support them, even when (especially when!) they screw up, and who will be more concerned with them than with beating them over the head with a lesson.

More alternatives to traditional parenting

101 Things To Do Instead of Yelling or Spanking

Goes with this.

Unconscious mutterings #396

Want to play? Go here.

1. Bangs :: Shaggy
2. Diaper :: Soggy
3. Coffee table :: Tired
4. Cops :: Robbers
5. Matches :: Sticks
6. 250 :: 300
7. Hurricane :: Katrina
8. Bad :: Dog
9. Confirmation :: Request
10. Fiber :: Myalgia
    (I know, I know, it's Fibro, but this is what came to mind!)

Tool of the Oracle: Your True Nature

I don't know about my true nature, but this meme from Sarah has certainly revealed the true nature of post-Katrina New Orleans, which is appropriate since today is the 5th anniversary of the storm.

Instructions:

1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

My 23rd post is pretty cool, but neither it nor my 24th post had five sentences, so here are 22 and 25.

22nd post: "The storm surge exceeded 10 feet there, so just about every building is trashed."

25th post: "Our little landmarks were hit hard: Captain Humble’s (the little po’ boy place I raved about); West Marine; the Winn Dixie where we bought our provisions; the ancient, creaky swing bridge at Bayou Liberty; and even the Shell station where we’d been buying our gas."

Discovering green

So, I don't know from dark green leafy vegetables. I have been doing some research, but at this point I can't keep my kales straight from my collard greens in terms of flavors, nutrients, etc. The only thing that has really stuck with me at this point is "Variety!"

So, when Frank and I went grocery shopping the other day, I knew only enough to recognize the dark green leafy vegetable section in the produce department (and be baffled as to why the lettuces and spinach aren't in it). Pretty much at random I chose a bunch of mustard greens to go with my staple romaine (from the lettuce section). I got the mustard greens home, discovered the mustardy tang, and put just a few in my salad that night. Edible, not my favorite.

By today, a few days and several green smoothies later, the fruits and greens are getting low. The berries are gone, baby, gone, because YUM! Do Ginger and I love berries!

Driven by curiosity about what a truly green (as opposed to berry purple) smoothie would taste like (but not quite brave enough yet to go all green), today's smoothie consisted of romaine, mustard leaves (judiciously), a banana, and some aging grapes I wouldn't eat enthusiastically if I were popping them whole into my mouth.

Oh my gawd, YUM! The mustard tang is probably there, but it is blended (heh) with the fruit flavors, and the result it just light, fresh, green goodness.

Which leads me to the conclusion that I can't really go wrong with green smoothies. Which might be why they are so terribly popular with the raw crowd.

So, here I am on day 6 of my Increased But Not Strictly Raw Diet. (Catchy name, huh? Do you think I should trademark it?) I am having a ton of fun with it, and I'm feeling great. With the novelty and fun factor, with our super awesome houseguests this weekend keeping me high, and with it being a good time of the month, I am reluctant to attribute too much of my euphoria to the changes in my diet. But I do have one distinct physical change to report on.

I lose a lot of hair each day. I mean, a lot. My hair is thick and, um, energetic, so this loss isn't terribly noticeable to the people around me (unless they're the ones picking strands off my clothes). But I notice, and it bugs me, and I fear going bald even though bald is beautiful and even though there is No Sign that my hair loss is anything more than breakage and normal attrition. So I am very happy to report then that my hair loss has apparently stopped. I don't leave a handful of hair behind in the shower like I usually do. I'm not picking strands off my shoulders all day like I usually do. And all the stuff that's staying on my head seems softer and a bit tamer.

After six days of having ONE green meal per day. It's pretty remarkable. YMMV.

A must read

The Guy on the Plane by Jeff Sabo

The point is that so many parents never "really think about" the parenting choices they make. They don't always pause to think about what success means, what is necessary and what is arbitrary. They think of restrictions and obstacles, instead of alternatives and possibilities. They focus on the way things were or the way things should be, not on the way things are or the way they could be.

Jeff's post touches on (nails!) one of the things that initially attracted me to unschooling, and that is the "what ifs" that unschooling embraces. What if there is a different way to live and build our lives? What if all those things we've been told are so important are really the least important things in our lives? And what if we gave our kids the opportunity to do things differently?

Vegetables and me

My friend Kimberly and her family recently did a 30-day raw food challenge. Her daughter has Type 1 diabetes, and they were able to very quickly cut her insulin intake by half, and then it continued to decline! Needless to say, their story caught my attention.

And then Alyse, another friend, posted this link along with a matter-of-fact comment about how much her health has improved since she started her raw diet: "I love that I have not only healed my body from some pretty debilitating stuff, but that it goes beyond great health to great happiness - and it was the happiness that came first."

My attitude toward nutrition information is extremely skeptical. Nutritionists and the often-corporate-funded FDA have given exactly the wrong advice too many times over the years. But this was first-hand experiential information from a couple of women who are, well, no flakier than the rest of us unschoolers. (In case you can't tell, this is a compliment, K&A! lol)

But the idea of going completely raw... Well, it intimidated me. So I asked them for some advice on ways to ease into it. Kim suggested trying some ready-to-eat salads with raw nuts and picking up some Odwalla juices. Alyse suggested, among other things, the raw foodists' staple, green smoothies. I got started on Monday.

Day one: Had a Wendy's salad for dinner instead of a burger. It had chicken and cheese on it.

Day two: I took advantage of the loaded salad bar at work and had a BIG salad for lunch. Completely raw, which was actually tricky because so many of the things in the salad bar are cooked. They even blanch the broccoli! Snacked on roasted but unflavored almonds.

Day three: Our anniversary. I ate whatever I wanted. Interestingly, what I wanted most during our fancy steak-and-lobster dinner was the side vegetables. I ate so many of them that I couldn't finish my steak.

Day four: Another big salad at work, mostly romaine and spinach.

Day five (today): I had a bowl of cereal at about 11, munched on some of the aforementioned almonds at about 3, and am just finishing up a HOMEMADE salad of romaine, mustard greens, and gloriously un-blanched broccoli.

So, here's the thing. It is too soon for me to notice substantial effects from such a limited increase in raw foods. On the other hand, it has been a substantial increase in green vegetables. And what I'm noticing is:

• Carbs are less attractive (until they're attractive, and then I want them NOW).
• My appetite is reduced.
• I am craving even more greens.

And suddenly the idea of going completely raw is not so intimidating.

Texts from last night

...and the rest of yesterday, which was our 20th anniversary.

7:43 a.m. Dropped off the camper and now questing for pancakes with her hubby of TWENTY years
MJ got to NBTSC with her Oregon roomie, Sean, but Chloe still had to do the dawn train run. Then Frank and I went for breakfast at IHOP, using our Seahawks ticket stubs to get free short stacks.

10:54 a.m. Jamming at the EMP
Despite being locals who have a lot of out-of-town visitors, Frank and I had never been to the Experience Music Project. It was very cool, especially the guitar gallery, which is worth the price of admission all by itself. They have a lab where you can play instruments and sing; we spent a fair amount of time in there.

12:39 p.m. Seriously tempted by Firefly action figures and an Alien lunchbox at the Sci-Fi Museum store.
Admission to EMP also gets you into the adjacent Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame. It was so fun! It was also entertaining to see how much of their collection is on loan from Paul Allen. The dude knows how to spend his money! No Firefly, Galactica, or Back to the Future materials on display, which struck us as odd. But they did have Firefly gear at the store. I resisted. Barely.

1:22 p.m. Checked into our hotel room! View of Sound, islands, ferries, Pike Place Market. Awesome sauce!
Part 1 of Frank's surprise. I used hotel points to get us a room at the Red Lion downtown. We were on the top (20th) floor with a spectacular view of a spectacular day on Puget Sound. Sailboats, parasailers, shipping traffic, and ferries on the water. Planes and helicopters of all shapes and sizes in the air. Busy tourists down on the street. Loved it!

1:51 p.m. Hey, Frank brought the wine!
Frank surprised me with a nice bottle of Merlot (my favorite). We ordered up a room-service snack and spent a blissful couple of hours eating, sipping wine, and watching the world go by.

7:28 p.m. Napped to recover from an early wakeup and a bottle of red. Now at Ruth's Chris for free dinner.
Part 2 of Frank's surprise: I used credit-card points to get gift certificates to Ruth's Chris Steak House, far and away the best place to get a really good steak but with prices that are usually out of our reach. Not last night! Although we did go over and a bit, so it wasn't purely free: we had to supplement the tip with $3 cash...

We had crab cocktail in remoulade sauce, steak, lobster, beautifully prepared asparagus and broccoli, and bread pudding dessert. Everything was SO yummy.

We realized after dinner that we were sipping our complementary anniversary champagne at about the exact moment of our anniversary. Nice!

9:49 p.m. Watching the lights and the nightlife (yes, Seattle has some). This day has been everything I hoped for.
After a lovely post-prandial stroll through the bustling city streets, we settled back in front of the window. It was a wonderful day, and a wonderful way to commemorate twenty years with my wonderful man.

Here's to the next 20!

Keeping it simple

The only experts that truly exist on Unschooling
are our children. They do it perfectly.
~ Heather Burditt

I love this. I wish I'd taken it to heart early in our unschooling, not to disregard all the great advice I received from other unschooling parents but to help quiet the doubts that came up.

Back to school... NOT

The "school year" is starting all across the country. I have grown to resent that term a bit: why should schools get to decide what constitutes a year?! But we are not immune. Washington requires homeschoolers to file a Declaration of Intent to Homeschool at the start of each school year. And I needed to know the first day of school so I would know when Emma would be rejoining us. And of course we enjoy some of the back-to-school sales (10-cent notebooks!!!). But that's about as much attention as we pay to it.

Instead of picking up schedules, finding lockers, and settling into somebody else's agenda, my kids will be off having an experience something like this. That's Peggy Pirro's description of the East Tennessee Unschooled Summer Camp, which took place last month. Not Back to School Camp (NBTSC), the camp MJ and Chloe are headed to on Tuesday, is very similar. These camps really are the happiest place on earth.

My favorite excerpt from Peggy's post:
I will say with complete confidence that not one of the parents at that camp wishes our kids were on another planet. Not one. Is it because our teens are exceptional? Well, sure they're exceptional. They're unschooled. Which means all of the schooly stuff that comes between kids and their parents, between kids and their passions, all that stuff that gets in the way of kids figuring out how to relate honestly with one another, how to respect themselves and others, and how to respond to the needs of their bodies and their minds and their imaginations, all of that stuff that gets mediated by school and by the institutionalized thinking that supports the schooling paradigm, is absent. It isn't even a part of the atmosphere.

My love affair with unschooling is well known to my regular readers, but there is something about the start of the school year that brings it all to the forefront. I am SO HAPPY that my kids aren't caught up in the school machine. I am SO HAPPY that, as much or little as they are aware of the school year, they start it off by going to a place that gives them so much joy, that inspires them, and that provides them with an environment where they can make real connections with people who put their passions first and who treat MJ's and Chloe's dreams as achievable goals.

iUnschooling tools

Not that kind of tool

Chloe hasn't really cared about having a cell phone. For the last couple of years, this was fine with me. MJ has a cell phone, and Chloe has been reachable because she is so often with MJ. But that has changed: MJ and her cell phone are down in Oregon. So, I laid down the law: Chloe, says I, I am getting you a cell phone. She resisted at first (really), but the idea began to grow on her, and off we went to shop for a phone.

After looking at the available options, the plan requirements, and so forth, she decided to chip in some of her own money and get an iPhone. She has played with friends' iPhones in the past and really enjoys them. So, that's what we've done. She's paying the extra phone cost and the $15/month data plan. I'm paying for the extra line and the family unlimited-texting plan.

So, Chloe has a new iPhone. She's been exploring available apps, building her contact list, playing games, and just generally having a blast with it. And I've been thinking about all this in an unschooling context.

First off, why didn't she want a cell phone sooner? Unschooling was a factor. Chloe and her friends have Internet access all day long. They don't need phones to communicate. And if they do, they have 24-hour access to their parents' phones.

So, why does she need one now? Well, because I said so, but also because of unschooling. She's free, so she travels. She's independent, so she travels alone. And she's building her own life, even at 16, so the time has come for her to have this tool that so many of us who have our own lives consider essential.

In the months ahead, Chloe will use this phone to let us know she has arrived in Oregon for NBTSC, made the train to come home from NBTSC, and, later, arrived in Texas* where she's starting a new job as a nanny. Then she will use it to find her way around Dallas, to discover places to go with her young charges and shop for the things she needs while she's away. She will call us with all the news, text us all the funny little comments she usually gets to share in person, and find and play games a couple of little ones enjoy.

And she will continue her unschooling. Someone asked on Facebook the other day about essential purchases for unschooling. I replied, "A wireless Internet connection." Perhaps I should have said, "A portable wireless Internet connection." It certainly seems to be an essential purchase for us now.

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* The family Chloe visited in Victoria has their primary residence in Dallas

The best sort of report card

This morning, I received the following note from the mom of the family Chloe is visiting (and possibly becoming au pair for).

Hi, Ronnie;

Before Chloe came, I tried very hard to hold back my desire to communicate directly with you. I thought you were the adult and she was the kid. But she proved me wrong. She handled everything really well, better than most adults, IMO.

We were very impressed by her. She shows maturity unusual for her age, yet her sweetness, happiness and "purity" (if you know what I mean) are so delightful and contagious.

O. [4yo son] loves her and already invites her to [stay]. He couldn't get enough of her. It is so interesting to watch him to wait patiently and impatiently outside Chloe's room while she was resting.

M. [1yo daughter] loves her and sneaked to her bed. It is so cute to watch her to be in the same bed with Chloe!

We love her. She communicates very well. She is very patient and sweet with kids. She pays attention to details and she is very proactive. When we talked "business", she is professional!

I have never met a teenager as mature, original, happy, thoughtful, confident and sweet as her. You have raised a wonderful person. I am sure we can learn a lot from her as well.

We are very happy to have her.

The Doings Report

Ah, Sunday. We are basking (suffering) in a bit of a heat wave. It hit 90 today and is forecast to be "much warmer" tomorrow. How will we ever survive????

Perhaps by imagining what it would be like tomorrow if we were in the south or southwest. :-)

Chloe is visiting friends in Victoria, BC, for a few days. They have two kids, a girl not quite 2 and a boy not quite 5. Her visit is sort of a job interview, or maybe a mutual interview. If all parties are amenable, she will be their au pair for an undetermined while. Chloe wrote her own (very business-like) emails, made her own arrangements, rode the ferry and went through customs alone, et cetera. (Does anybody know where Chloe learned to write with a formal tone? Sometimes—oftentimes—unschooling amazes even me.)

If all parties are amenable, Frank and I will have an empty nest for a while. Jeezum Pete.

My sister is in town. We had a family gathering today, and I got to visit a bit with her and her family. Loved it!

We are also enjoying a visit from MJ, who came up for the aforementioned gathering and for an orthodontic appointment. She likes it here well enough, but she is glowingly happy in her new digs/life and will return there in the next couple of days.

Frank continues prepping two sides of our house for exterior paint. We settled on two sides as an achievable/adequate goal for this summer. We'll do the other two sides next summer. He has scraped and pressure washed and is now sanding. Then primer, then paint. Colors are either decided (if everyone goes along with my green-with-blue-trim preference) or under negotiation. You be the judge.

I continue working. It seems I will finish one contract on Aug. 31 and start the next on Sept. 1. Continuity is a good thing, but I am lately engaged in detailed fantasies of extended roadtrips. Perhaps something can be arranged, since I work from home mostly anyway. It's the "mostly" that's a stumbling block: "mostly" is not the same as "always."

The girls head to camp next week Tuesday with a hundred or so of their closest friends. Camp has been restructured from two one-week sessions to one two-week session, so they won't be home (Chloe to here and MJ to Salem) until after Labor Day. Judging by chatter here and on Facebook, they and the aforementioned friends are all extremely excited. Extremely. Excited. NBTSC is evidently heaven on earth, more fun than anything else (except perhaps a good year at LIFE is Good), but we parents can only imagine since we are not invited. *sigh*

After that, Chloe comes home or heads to Victoria, depending, and MJ heads to Chautauqua.

It's really a shame how isolated and overprotected unschoolers are. Poor, deprived children.

Also next Tuesday (a week from Tuesday) marks the 20th anniversary of my wedding to Frank. Yes, 20 years. Wowza. I have Big Plans for the day, but Frank has not been apprised of these, so I'm not telling. Yet.

Frank and I attended our first Seahawks game yesterday, a preseason battle with the Tennessee Titans. The game was fine, fun, blah blah blah, but the game viewing experience was, in a word, HOT. Our seats are on the sunny side of the stadium, which is a good thing come November but which makes for a bakefest on a summer evening. We sweated it out with about 25,000 fellow fans, watched the Hawks win, and left disgruntled because the Hawks took a knee instead of going for an easy field goal that would have netted each of us a short stack of pancakes at IHOP. Very bad coaching decision that, but I bet IHOP didn't suffer much since by game's end we were all craving pancakes.

Our next game is next Saturday evening. Frank and I are thinking of staying away until about 7:30, when the shade hits our seats.

For the sake of frugality/greed for other things, I'm going to put all of our regular season tickets up for sale. Whichever games don't sell, we'll attend. If any of you have a game you'd particularly like to go to, let me know; friends and family get good prices and first dibs.

I'm off now for a sunset walk. It is *beautiful* out there now, rosy and warm and a reminder of why we put up with the gray skies all winter. Summer in the northwest is how summer was meant to be.

What I have to work on

Evidently the universe thinks I need more patience. Or evidently I do. Backing up my own feeling that I didn't exercise enough patience in recent comment discussions on my blog, I got two messages today:

This blog post: I've Walked Many Miles in Your Shoes

and this quote:

The job of the spiritual friend is to insult you. . . . If you really want liberation and you really want freedom, you need people around who are going to be provoking you to show you where it is that you still have work to do.
~ Pema Chödrön
My thanks to Jeff for the post and to Laura for bringing the quote to my attention. Oh, and thanks to the spiritual friends who brought me the message, even if it wasn't quite the message they intended for me to receive.

Chloe's school solution

"I have an idea of what learning could be like because I like to learn. I know how much fun it can be. An educational discussion is my idea of a good time. So, the fact that I don't enjoy school is an indicator of something."

Not compulsory
Smaller class sizes
More respect! "Teachers treat kids like there's something wrong with them."
Conversation-based learning
Lots and lots of resources
Teachers as resources - experts in their field rather than professional teachers
Classes would provide a starting point to explore a particular subject
No required courses - "If you say a class is required, you are dismissing somebody else's opinion about what's important or interesting... You're saying that one field is more valid than another one."
Kids sign up for classes they are interested in
Suited to every learning style - accommodate students

Background: Chloe was in school K through half of 3rd, spent a term at Summerhill (a democratic/free school in England), and attended high school last year for one 6-week grading period. All the rest of the time, she's been unschooled.

Pondering paths

When I was 19, I applied for two jobs: one in childcare and one in publishing. I got the publishing job, and that set me on the path not only to my current career as a tech writer but also to Frank, MJ, Chloe, unschooling, and everything else. So, no regrets whatsoever.

But I do sometimes wonder about that other path...

Do you think if I had spent the last 20 years with little kids I would now be craving time with words?

Probably...

Valued hopes

From Lynelle's comment on my previous post: "i kind of believe that as a parent, it's actually part of my job to try to instill certain values in my kids. i try to do that through example, suggestions, sharing experiences, asking my kids questions about their thoughts and feelings and reasons, and talks."

She goes on to detail some of the values she hopes her kids will share.

I've been thinking about this a lot these past few days. What are my values? Are there things that I am SO passionate about that seeing their opposites in my kids would really bother me? For half a minute, as I ran through the list of things people often freak out about, I thought Maybe I'm exempt. I mean, religion is the biggie, and I'm not religious, so...

But there are things I feel religious about. Oh, yeah. Unschooling. Peaceful parenting. Being kind. Making fun a priority. Living a wide-sky life. Certain political and social viewpoints that I hold.

Do I hope for my kids to share those values, and have I tried to instill those values in my kids? Yes, and yes. And do I, intentionally or otherwise, make clear to my kids when they are choosing something that is contrary to those values? Yep.

I try. I hope for. I communicate.

But that's where it stops.

Let's say MJ interacts with somebody else in a way that I characterize as unkind. I might talk to her about the other person's viewpoint, about things I think she could do to make amends, about strategies for interactions with this person in the future that might have a better outcome. All of this is parenting, and it can be peaceful and kind and free from shaming or punishment. (It can also be brief. A ten-second conversation is going to tell me if she is open to discussing this with me. And if she is, a two-minute conversation might be long enough to cover all of the above.)

But if MJ reviews her own actions and is fine with them, or if she does not want to discuss it... At that point, I am left with the relationship that I have with MJ, and the relationship that I have with the person I think she hurt. I can separate those from each other. My relationship with MJ from that point is just as it usually is: accepting, respectful, taken for what is now rather than what is past (and the problematic interaction is definitely past). My relationship with the other person is whatever s/he and I need it to be, and I can respond as a sympathetic friend or sympathetic stranger or whatever is appropriate.

Beyond that, I'm helpless. MJ's relationship with this other person is none of my business. MJ's assessment of her own actions is none of my business, even and perhaps especially when I disagree with her assessment.

One more example: Let's say Chloe becomes a mother and decides that Cry It Out is what works for her family. Phew. Oh boy. First, that is really hard to imagine. Chloe ignoring a needy baby? Not gonna happen. Second, that is really hard to imagine. My poor grandbaby!

Would Chloe hear from me? Oh, yeah. I'd send her the research on the harm that CIO does, and I'd encourage her to see things from the baby's point of view. I'd volunteer to stay at her house and take care of the baby during the night. I'd probably beg.

But if none of that worked... At that point, I'm left with my relationship with Chloe and, separately, my relationship with the baby. I'm still going to want a relationship with Chloe even if she is a sadly misguided mother. And I'm going to believe that the baby needs his grandma desperately, so I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize my contact with him. And of course I'm going to be the most loving, accepting, snuggle-him-up grandma I can be.

Beyond that, I am helpless. It's none of my business.

It is easy to be respectful of our kids when we approve of what they are doing. I think being respectful when we don't really approve is where the "radical" in "radical unschooling" comes in.