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| Ronnie today |
Attention: You are now entering a shame-free zone. If you are feeling judgmental, go somewhere else. Thank you.
My best buddy, Steph, said something to me in a recent email, in response to my comment that I was looking forward to our upcoming empty-nest trial period. She said, "In public you are the invincible 24-hour RU mom. I forget that you are susceptible to weary-of-momness."
Steph knows me very well. We've been friends since, oh, about 1985, and we have talked or corresponded most days since the day we met. If Steph can be surprised by my moments, it means I am not being forthcoming enough about those moments, and I am painting an unfair picture of what being an unschooling parent looks like.
So, here, for the record, I state unequivocally that sometimes I just simply SUCK.
I have bad moods. I snap and snark at family members. I get tired and overstimulated and sometimes decline to engage with a kid or spouse who is interested in talking with me.
I have helicopter-mom tendencies that occasionally eclipse my awareness that my kids don't need that kind of parenting. I say things I shouldn't say, offer reminders about things that are none of my business, and ask for "courteous" status updates at times when the real issue is my own fears.
I am sensitive to noise and too often ask people in my house to quiet down or take their movie-watching selves to the other TV. I am ridiculously irritated when other people fail to adhere to my systems and do really heinous things like attempting to recycle the lid of a bottle, or not putting the scissors where they go, or leaving a dish on the counter even though I for once have emptied the damned dishwasher.
I am currently going through a period of life-weariness that feels like swimming in molasses, so, yeah, I am looking forward to our upcoming empty-nest trial period. In the meantime, I am more than usually self-involved and reclusive and grouchy and prone to resentment.
So, what does all this mean to our unschooling?
Short answer: Not a damned thing.
Long answer: The members of an unschooling family really live together, and our particular unschooling family is fully together a lot since I work at home. There are not many secrets in our house, you know? Frank and my kids know my flaws and failings all too well; whatever smokescreen I manage online does not carry over to our in-person life. They have no choice but to be used to me.
This means that, while they do not necessarily take my lesser moments in stride, they certainly know that they are moments. I am not defined by my bad moments but by my whole self, and my whole self is
Ronnie Maier, dedicated unschooling mom, peaceful partner, and woman who never stops trying to do better.
Unschooling and the relationships between family members in an RU household don't flourish because we have found some magical way of avoiding bad moods, screwups, and sad times. No, they flourish because the philosophies we live by—my infamous RATS: Respect, Acceptance, Trust, and Support—are not just for good moods, successes, and happy times; they're for all times. And those philosophies don't flow only from parent to child but from child to parent and partner to partner.
We are not perfect, and I am certainly not. But we are in this together. We give each other the benefit of the doubt, a Get Out of the Doghouse Free card, or simple forgiveness as needed. And we never stop trying to do better.
24 comments:
well, I just love this. love love love it.
I love the way you wrote about this....humanity :) I love the acceptance and freedom everyone has to feel less than perfect but know that it doesn't make you any less than perfect, lol.
I'm a long way away from empty nesting, but I'm ready for a little vacation, does that count?!
hot diggity damn, you rock!!!!! <3
Thank You .. for saying exactly what I needed to here .. and for being perfectly you
I'm glad you wrote this, thanks for sharing and being a human being. :-)
Soo thankful to read this! It's a refreshing read and I'm glad you shared!
Thanks, Ronnie!
This couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Been feeling stressed, doubtful and confused lately.
Thanks!
You have no idea how awesome it is that you shared that. Thank you thank you!!
Thanks for posting this. We are all, by definition, human...and that means we're all still learning and growing. Otherwise we wouldn't be here :)
You rock!
Nikki
Oh, man...
I just posted something about respect and a Very Bad Day Holly and I had a year and a half ago, and then came and read this cool post. I'm going to link back to it, and I love this part BUT...
"Unschooling and the relationships between family members in an RU household don't flourish because we have found some magical way of avoiding bad moods, screwups, and sad times. No, they flourish because the philosophies we live by—my infamous RATS: Respect, Acceptance, Trust, and Support"...
I shudder and wince at "an RU". Then I try to shake it off and move along. :-) Not critical of the expression of honest emotion and revelation at all, just of "RU" as a term/label/word-that-begins-with-a-vowel. I would say "I'm over it now," but I'm not. :-)
The think about me and Holly and respect and all is here: http://sandradodd.blogspot.com/2010/09/some-problems-with-respect.html
Ah, the article-before-an-acronym dilemma. LOL. I always write them the way I say them, and R ("arrr")starts with a vowel sound. :-)
Ronnie - thank you for putting yourself out there. We all strive to be better parents, spouses, etc., but we know there are times when it just ain't happening (sorry, Sandra, for the "ain't"!) I believe that "keeping it real" helps more people in their own RU journey than presenting our lives as "practically perfect in every way".
As Lisa said above, you rock!
I love reading about bad days. Sometimes everyone seems so perfect and I am far from it. I like being reminded that we are both indeed human and doing our best.
Yep, this is you at your warty, ratsy best!
One of the things I've found since I've started on this journey of unschooling and mindful parenting is that I often feel overwhelmed by some of the amazing stuff I read because it makes me feel so small, and inexperienced, and just plain awful. Many a day I have risen to enjoy my coffee while sifting through the unschooling lists and enveloping my brain with all this knowledge, only to find myself snapping at my loved ones later despite my preceived full parenting "tool pouch." I have often wondered, do these amazing unschoolers I admire and learn so much from have bad moments like I do? I'm glad to know that yes, we are indeed human, and that in no way should be an excuse to not continually strive to be a more peaceful mama. Thank your for your honesty.
"...yes, we are indeed human, and that in no way should be an excuse to not continually strive to be a more peaceful mama."
Thanks for emphasizing this. I've been a little bit haunted by my own "Not a damned thing" wording, because *of course* my lesser moments negatively impact our unschooling and especially our relationships.
What I meant was that, in the grand scheme of things, in our house where SO much is positive and respectful and cooperative and full of understanding, a lesser moment is like adding one earwax-flavored Every Flavor Bean to a bowl that's overflowing with delicious ones. It's not pleasant, and you wish you hadn't had to experience it, and sometimes it makes you a little cautious about dipping back into the bowl, but it's soon forgotten as you gobble up the good stuff.
Ronnie, this is most excellent! We all have our flaws. I have a hormonal imbalance(getting treatment) I can Bitch, cry, laugh, rant in any given moment without warning.
I like real people, I like honesty, I like you :)
Authenticity is Awesome! I'm totally with you on noise sensitivity, too.
I love this post Ronnie. Thank you for being honest. My family and I have been on this journey for almost three years now and I often beat myself up because I snapped or yelled at one of my girls because I always felt that I am supposed to be perfect. Well I am far from it. And just recently I realized I need to back off and love myself unconditionally. That I make mistakes too and it is okay my kids and hubby will still love me in the end. I don't want to be perfect anymore I want to be honest and authentic and be true to who I am on the inside. For a long time I looked at other unschoolers and felt envious because they all look so perfect and happy all the time and here I am far from perfect but it is nice to know that we are all human and we all have bad days. I think it is unrealistic for someone to be patient and calm all the time. I just don't see how it is possible for someone to always be positive and happy all of time. I loved the part about the ear waxed jelly bean mixed in with the rest. That our life right there we do have bad moments but there are way more good ones that out way it and when we focus on those good moments when we are having a bad one it will make the bad one easier.
solove this. i have been wanting to write something like this but can't seem to word it well. i get moms who assume our unpretty moments are so pretty, when really they are just sucky moments. the difference, i think, is whether we're conscious through them, make excuses for them, insist we're right (okay sometimes I do that), instead of understanding they are moments and they pass.
Am I the only one who doesn't get what RU means? Please enlighten me.
RU is Radical Unschooling -- unschooling in which the family lives cooperatively instead of autocratically.
And my comment was about my deep and negative feelings about using "RU" (as a pronounced term "ru" or "are you") rather than saying "unschooling" or "radical unschooling," so that people know what is being discussed, and so that we don't end up with an irritating wad of jargon and secret words.
In the past when I've asked in public discussions whether people are pronouncing it as a word, or what ( I have seen "RUing" written), people haven't responded (I didn't press), but Ronnie wrote "an RU" which means she was "prounoucing" the letters somehow and I was objecting.
SHEESH! So much more writing than people just saying (and writing) unschooling when that's what they mean.
johnny come lately here, just wanting to say how very much i appreciated this:) that work on accepting all the bits of myself continues and i love, love, love the part where you say you are defined as the whole person you are. and i'm not sure i've ever said this, but where would be be without RATS! thanks ronnie. you rock!
okay, so i'm REALLY late to the party here. just wanted you to know how much this means to me this moment. i tend to stay offline (off of the unschooling/parenting blogs) for a couple of months and then i will go through a 2 or 3 day phase of reading everything i can. all of you help me to refocus and learn and remind me what i am striving for. i don't have people in real life with similar ideals and will find that just by reading these blogs, i can re-energize. so today i was doing just this and had stepped away for a few minutes to make something to eat and was thinking "gosh, they are all so joyous all the time. how do i get more joy?"....and kind of beating myself up because you are all so amazing and how can i get there? i have a 2 and half year old wonderful little guy in my life and things have been stressful lately. anyhow, when i got back to the computer, i clicked on "warty, warty mom-warts" and everything is just SO much better now! thank you thank you thank you!
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