Transitioning from the traditional

Since I posted the notes from our circle chat, I have received a couple of questions about transitioning out of traditional parenting. One person wanted to know what unschooler parenting looks like, and another wanted to know how to move beyond traditional parenting.

Really excellent questions.

For me, moving beyond traditional parenting has been, and continues to be, a process. It started when my kids were very young, when I began letting go of control in small ways. I think the experimenting I did during that time was a vital part of the process for me. I had to try it, and I had to see it "work," meaning I had to see marked improvement in our family life. And it did work, and it worked so quickly. Things got better. I was rewarded.

But more than that, I began to see things differently. Without consciously trying for it, my perspective shifted. It was the first of several such shifts.

For most people, a shifted perspective is a requirement for unschooling. You simply cannot "get it" if you still believe that the parents always know best or that kids can't be trusted. You can live it for a while, you can experiment with it, but your unschooling lifestyle is not going to survive if you hang onto those beliefs.

It's the same with the shift to the parenting that we do. (I have previously called it attachment parenting, but that label doesn't feel big enough anymore, with so much of our parenting of our teenagers involving letting go.) You can start parenting this way before you believe in it, hoping that the results you see will trigger the perspective shift. In fact, I recommend this. Don't wait. Try it. Dive in. But do open your mind and welcome the shift.

The shift is from "The parents are in charge" to "We're all in this together." And it's from a pompous "Doing the right thing" to a joyful "Doing the fun thing."

How?

Make different choices. Begin with small moments. A thousand small moments, every single day. Remember that you have a choice in every single interaction with your child. Choose kindness.

• Step 1: Pause. Give yourself time to find the kind choice. This pause can last as long as you need it to. It is okay to postpone your response. Really. In the meantime, hug your kid.


• Step 2: Strip away what's extra. When conflicts arise with kids, they almost always happen out in public. Have you ever noticed that? At the mall, in the grocery store, in a parking lot, at somebody else's house. So, immediately, the parent is coping not only with the situation at hand but with social pressure.
  
  You MUST ignore that part, and if you think I don't know how hard that is, you're wrong.
  
  Imagine yourself in a bubble with your child. Inside that bubble, what does your child want? Is she tired? Is she uncomfortable? Is she hungry? Does she desire a toy or a food or an experience?


• Step 3: Respond, don't react. Now assess what you can do about your child's wants. Here is where it's okay to factor in the social pressure a bit. But be solution oriented. Be compassionate. Find a way to say "yes" to your kid.
  
  I know you want to climb, but that isn't allowed on grocery store shelves. Where can we go where climbing is okay?
  
  I wish I could buy you this toy. Let's write down the name of it and see if we can find it for less money on eBay.
  
  I want to talk to you about this, but there's no privacy here. Shall we step into the restroom?
  
  I highly recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.


• Step 4: Follow through. "Follow through." It's very common parenting advice. But I am not a very common parent. I am not talking about discipline here. I am talking about being honest and honorable. As Don Miguel says, be impeccable with your word. If you say you are going to look something up on eBay, do it.

All those yeses and qualified yeses are another vital part of the process. They add up. All that honesty and trustworthiness adds up. When we listen to our kids, when we treat our kids with compassion and generosity, they respond with listening, and compassion, and generosity. They learn to trust us to be on their side and to help them get what they want.

What does it look like?

First, here's what it doesn't look like:
One time when my kids were little, we had promised them a new video. Something or other happened (I have no recollection of what, which tells you how exceedingly UNimportant it was really), and we ended up carrying two shrieking children out through the mall without the video. We didn't yell. We weren't even especially angry. But our "solution" that day stemmed from our belief that we were in charge, and the result was two very unhappy kids and two self-righteous-feeling parents.

(Actually, that's probably something to watch for: if you feel self-righteous, you're just wrong.)

In the exact same circumstances now, with our new belief system, not only would we have left with the video, but we would all have left laughing and happy. This is because Frank and I would have looked at whatever it was that our kids were doing or wanting as valid, as something that was worth our time to respond to and, if necessary, simply cope with.

I try to remember what they were doing that was so bad that I "had to" break a promise. What could it have been? Did they squabble in the video store? Did they touch something I didn't think they should touch? Whatever it was, it wasn't worth it.

Now, here's what it looks like:
At LIFE is Good last weekend, a little boy about 4 melted down in the swimming pool. My friend Shonna (mom to five) stepped in and had him laughing in minutes. It was remarkable. First, she bundled him up in extra towels. He was very nearly swaddled. It really struck me, because with my overdeveloped sense of social responsibility, I probably would have hesitated and felt too guilty to use the extra hotel towels. But it was SO the right thing to do. He was chilled, and she got him warm. So simple! But so important. She tuned into his needs in the moment. Next, she cuddled him close (more warmth, plus love, love, love) and murmured to him, and when he seemed ready, she began to play with him. She bounced his feet and he giggled. Then she got up and wandered around with him a bit, saying, "Has anyone seen Michael? I have this cool new toy that giggles when you bounce its feet, but I can't find Michael anywhere!"

I have seen similar situations around other swimming pools that ended much differently. They ended with recriminations, such as, "I told you not to stay in too long" or "Be a big boy. Stop crying!" They ended with angry parents dragging crying kids back into locker rooms or hotel rooms.

And worst of all, they ended with kids and parents as adversaries, and with kids feeling ashamed and wrong for needing what they needed.

Shonna's way is better.