Stuff and money and space

Most of us have an innate desire for stuff that starts at the exact moment we become aware of stuff. My babies, as many babies do, started reaching for stuff at four months. We saw this early desire for stuff as natural and healthy, and we happily put stuff where the baby could reach it and took great delight in each fumbling grab. Most parents are the same.

It is only as our kids get a little older, as the stuff that they desire extends beyond the teething rings and cloth books that we joyfully provided, that their desire for stuff becomes problematic. Then, their desire is suddenly attached to money and space. As experienced acquirers of stuff, we parents see very clearly the money-and-space pitfalls of the bottomless pit that our kids' desires seem to encompass.

We know something they don't know.

That is such a tricky spot to be in! Indeed, it is the crux of most conflicts between parent and child. They want X, and we know that X will lead to undesirable consequences 1, 2, and 3. We know, for crying out loud! We know! Are we supposed to just stand by and let them blunder their way into those consequences?! Are we supposed to just stand by and allow them to drag us into those consequences with them?!

Yep.

We can certainly offer our perspective. We can share our experience. We can warn. But as unschoolers, as thinking parents, as people who believe that kids are people, we simply don't get to pull out the "I'm the parent and I know best" card.

I know what you're thinking: Why didn't I take the blue pill? Heh. Too late now, sorry!

When it comes to the acquisition of stuff, standing by while your kids choose means two things:

One: Your kids will make purchases that you do not agree with.

Two: You will have to live with that.

Both of these are easier to navigate with a stuff-and-money-and-space system in place. The system needs to reflect your lifestyle and income, and it needs to evolve as the kids get older and as other cirumstances change.

Here's our system:

Stuff - The kids choose. Period.

When they were young, I used to do a lot of coaching about choices. "If you buy that, you won't be able to buy this." This coaching may or may not have been helpful for a while, but they both quickly reached the point where it was bugging the hell out of them. "You take all the fun out of it!" they told me. Oops.

Money - We give our kids a weekly no-strings allowance.

The amount has varied over the years, and there have been lean stretches where we were all going without spending money. Right now, they're getting $15 per week.

When they were little, this allowance was a lifesaver. It completely removed me from the "Can I have this? Can I have that?" mom-as-bad-guy cycle.

Now that they're teenagers... Guess what? $15 per week is not really enough money. They have things they want to buy and experiences they want to have that will take more. Frank and I will help as much as we can, but my kids know that they will have to work to earn the more. They are making plans accordingly.

I want to be crystal clear on this: I have said "Yes" to my kids for years. I have "indulged" them in virtually everything. I have simply handed over as much money as we could afford every week for longer than we've been unschooling. I have made it clear to them that we will continue to support them beyond age 18 if they want us to. And even so, my kids are developing financial independence even as we speak. There's been a really interesting shift in the way they manage money over the last year or two that is worth its own blog post.

For now, I'll just say that people who think kids won't learn the value of money unless there are chores-strings on their allowances are just wrong.

Benefits of the no-strings allowance:
* Practice
* Built-in math
* Independence
* Experience

It's gold. And it doesn't have to cost you any more than you already spend.

Space - Where do we put everything?

There are a couple of myths about space. It helps if you reject these.

• Myth #1: More space or better organization would make everything easier. We have a three-bedroom, two-and-a-half story house with a lot of storage space. We've acquired a lot of storage containers over the years. Frank has built several bookcases. Stuff can still be an issue. No matter how much room you have, it tends to fill up, and you will periodically need to make adjustments. Over the years, we've rearranged rooms, swapped rooms, and tried a bunch of different stuff-management schemes. It's ongoing.
• Myth #2: Kids' stuff should fit into their bedrooms. This belief is a relic of traditional parenting. Toss it out! If each member of the family gets equal space in the house, who is really taking up more than his or her share? It's usually not the kids.
• Myth #3: If you had less stuff, the house would be tidier. We're unschoolers. We live here. We're home a lot. You can tell.
• Myth #4: Your kids will share your values about stuff and money. MJ spends a good portion of her money on clothes. Chloe has a sizable savings account. I cannot say either of those things about myself. Our values—and the stuff we value—are different. Simplicity and frugality may not ever describe your child. That's okay. Love the kid you have. Accept the kid you have.
• Myth #5: It's going to be like this forever. Once upon a time, we probably had 250 cubic feet of Barbie stuff in our house. I kid you not. Now? Barbie occupies less than one cubic foot. Every single Barbie item that has left our house has done so not only with my daughters' permission but with their blessing. We have made several other little girls very happy over the last several years.
  
  I am so glad to be able to say those things, so glad that we embraced (or at least tolerated) and made room for the Barbie collection until they were done with it.
  
  And there's a pang, too. Did I appreciate my little Barbie-playing girls enough while they were here? I don't think I did. I don't think I really knew how fleeting those moments were going to be.
  
  Whatever stuff your child is acquiring now, she will eventually be done with it. Probably. But even if she's never done with it, storing it will eventually be her problem. :-)

I like our system, but it is just one approach. As with everything else in the entire freaking world, the What To Do is less important than the How To Do. Handle your child's stuff or money or space choices as you would handle his choices about TV or reading or racing the wind: with joy, with "Yes," and with an underlying belief that his choices are valid and valuable.

10 things you should know about us

A new meme inspired by this article on drmomma.org. If you play along, please reference the article, and please leave a comment on this post. The original is about what new neighbors should know, but you can expand on that if you want.

1. We tend to choose fun, messy, noisy, tasty, colorful, and/or not-rated-G stuff: books, movies, music, video games, art, art supplies, Japanese arms and armor, sugar-laden food, facepaint, hair dye, and so on. We share.
2. We tend to have long, involved, winding conversations. We have strong opinions and no subject is off limits.
3. We have not signed up to be the enforcers of your rules. We will support your kids in their efforts to honor your rules, but that's about it.
4. What happens at our house stays at our house, except...
5. Our interactions with your kids are subject to blogging. But we won't name names or post photos if you don't want us to.
6. Some of us are budding rockstars, and we practice.
7. We're not fussy about your noise (fair is fair, after all), but if the music you're blaring is either country or western ("Oh, we got both kinds"), we'll need to have a conversation about compromise.
8. Whatever you see our kids doing, they are probably doing it with our knowledge and usually with our active participation or at least cooperation. Even _____? Yes, that too.
   8a. We don't always agree with our kids (and vice versa), but you won't see us punishing our kids for their choices.
9. Our kids unschool. It's a fun life. Your kids might be envious. Defending schooling is going to be up to you 'cause we can't do it anymore.
10. Our yard... Yeah, we're sorry. We might do better someday.

Body love, body unschooling

In response to this piece about the reality of The Biggest Loser, my friend Miryam said this (among other things):

"Love the body you live in, people."

It got some thoughts swirling: Love my body. Love where I live. Love what is. It sounds like unschooling. I could unschool my body.

Wait. Unschool my body? What would that look like?

If I were going to unschool my body...
I would make lots of cool stuff available to it (gear and hikes and massages).
I would spend time with it.
I would have fun with it and do things it enjoys.
I would enjoy it.
I would provide it with a fun and colorful variety of foods.
I would feel good about it.
I would feel good.

I would not disparage it.
I would not feel ashamed of it.
I would not compare it to other bodies in negative ways.
I would not abuse it.

And I absolutely would not let society or any individual tell me what it should be.

(Update 7/2/10: Tara Wagner continues exploring this concept here.)

Transitioning from the traditional

Since I posted the notes from our circle chat, I have received a couple of questions about transitioning out of traditional parenting. One person wanted to know what unschooler parenting looks like, and another wanted to know how to move beyond traditional parenting.

Really excellent questions.

For me, moving beyond traditional parenting has been, and continues to be, a process. It started when my kids were very young, when I began letting go of control in small ways. I think the experimenting I did during that time was a vital part of the process for me. I had to try it, and I had to see it "work," meaning I had to see marked improvement in our family life. And it did work, and it worked so quickly. Things got better. I was rewarded.

But more than that, I began to see things differently. Without consciously trying for it, my perspective shifted. It was the first of several such shifts.

For most people, a shifted perspective is a requirement for unschooling. You simply cannot "get it" if you still believe that the parents always know best or that kids can't be trusted. You can live it for a while, you can experiment with it, but your unschooling lifestyle is not going to survive if you hang onto those beliefs.

It's the same with the shift to the parenting that we do. (I have previously called it attachment parenting, but that label doesn't feel big enough anymore, with so much of our parenting of our teenagers involving letting go.) You can start parenting this way before you believe in it, hoping that the results you see will trigger the perspective shift. In fact, I recommend this. Don't wait. Try it. Dive in. But do open your mind and welcome the shift.

The shift is from "The parents are in charge" to "We're all in this together." And it's from a pompous "Doing the right thing" to a joyful "Doing the fun thing."

How?

Make different choices. Begin with small moments. A thousand small moments, every single day. Remember that you have a choice in every single interaction with your child. Choose kindness.

• Step 1: Pause. Give yourself time to find the kind choice. This pause can last as long as you need it to. It is okay to postpone your response. Really. In the meantime, hug your kid.


• Step 2: Strip away what's extra. When conflicts arise with kids, they almost always happen out in public. Have you ever noticed that? At the mall, in the grocery store, in a parking lot, at somebody else's house. So, immediately, the parent is coping not only with the situation at hand but with social pressure.
  
  You MUST ignore that part, and if you think I don't know how hard that is, you're wrong.
  
  Imagine yourself in a bubble with your child. Inside that bubble, what does your child want? Is she tired? Is she uncomfortable? Is she hungry? Does she desire a toy or a food or an experience?


• Step 3: Respond, don't react. Now assess what you can do about your child's wants. Here is where it's okay to factor in the social pressure a bit. But be solution oriented. Be compassionate. Find a way to say "yes" to your kid.
  
  I know you want to climb, but that isn't allowed on grocery store shelves. Where can we go where climbing is okay?
  
  I wish I could buy you this toy. Let's write down the name of it and see if we can find it for less money on eBay.
  
  I want to talk to you about this, but there's no privacy here. Shall we step into the restroom?
  
  I highly recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.


• Step 4: Follow through. "Follow through." It's very common parenting advice. But I am not a very common parent. I am not talking about discipline here. I am talking about being honest and honorable. As Don Miguel says, be impeccable with your word. If you say you are going to look something up on eBay, do it.

All those yeses and qualified yeses are another vital part of the process. They add up. All that honesty and trustworthiness adds up. When we listen to our kids, when we treat our kids with compassion and generosity, they respond with listening, and compassion, and generosity. They learn to trust us to be on their side and to help them get what they want.

What does it look like?

First, here's what it doesn't look like:
One time when my kids were little, we had promised them a new video. Something or other happened (I have no recollection of what, which tells you how exceedingly UNimportant it was really), and we ended up carrying two shrieking children out through the mall without the video. We didn't yell. We weren't even especially angry. But our "solution" that day stemmed from our belief that we were in charge, and the result was two very unhappy kids and two self-righteous-feeling parents.

(Actually, that's probably something to watch for: if you feel self-righteous, you're just wrong.)

In the exact same circumstances now, with our new belief system, not only would we have left with the video, but we would all have left laughing and happy. This is because Frank and I would have looked at whatever it was that our kids were doing or wanting as valid, as something that was worth our time to respond to and, if necessary, simply cope with.

I try to remember what they were doing that was so bad that I "had to" break a promise. What could it have been? Did they squabble in the video store? Did they touch something I didn't think they should touch? Whatever it was, it wasn't worth it.

Now, here's what it looks like:
At LIFE is Good last weekend, a little boy about 4 melted down in the swimming pool. My friend Shonna (mom to five) stepped in and had him laughing in minutes. It was remarkable. First, she bundled him up in extra towels. He was very nearly swaddled. It really struck me, because with my overdeveloped sense of social responsibility, I probably would have hesitated and felt too guilty to use the extra hotel towels. But it was SO the right thing to do. He was chilled, and she got him warm. So simple! But so important. She tuned into his needs in the moment. Next, she cuddled him close (more warmth, plus love, love, love) and murmured to him, and when he seemed ready, she began to play with him. She bounced his feet and he giggled. Then she got up and wandered around with him a bit, saying, "Has anyone seen Michael? I have this cool new toy that giggles when you bounce its feet, but I can't find Michael anywhere!"

I have seen similar situations around other swimming pools that ended much differently. They ended with recriminations, such as, "I told you not to stay in too long" or "Be a big boy. Stop crying!" They ended with angry parents dragging crying kids back into locker rooms or hotel rooms.

And worst of all, they ended with kids and parents as adversaries, and with kids feeling ashamed and wrong for needing what they needed.

Shonna's way is better.

Community evolution

First read this:
Robin Dunbar: we can only ever have 150 friends at most...
Evolutionary anthropologist Robin Dunbar tells Aleks Krotoski why even Facebook cannot expand our true social circle: our brains just aren't big enough to cope

Now allow me to disagree.

"...in the end, we actually have to get together to make a relationship work." And I want to completely disagree with this. I have online friendships that are so rich and fulfilling that I feel like we've lived next door for years.

But more than that, I think what Mr. Dunbar may not be considering is that in modern society our brains only have to "cope" with one community at a time.

After the friending frenzy that took place after LIFE is Good, I have 480 friends on Facebook. But even there, I'm only interacting on any given day with the subset of my friends that is posting that day. And that subset is further categorized into groups both on my page and in my brain: family, unschoolers, coworkers, etc.

Similarly, in real life, I have one community at home (immediate family), one in my neighborhood, one at work, various configurations of extended family, and various configurations at unschooler gatherings.

It is only at the last of these that nametags are provided, and I think we're all appreciative of those. So maybe our brains can't cope with that many names, but they certainly have no problem coping with that many connections. We thrive on the connections. We thrive on having so many familiar faces around us. And after a long weekend together, most of the faces are familiar. There were ~650 people at LIFE is Good; by Monday, they all felt like family.

Our brains have evolved slowly. Our comprehension of and capacity for community have not.

Hair today

At LIFE is Good, we collected a Hefty sack full of hair to send to Matter of Trust to help with the Gulf oil cleanup. All four of the Greybeards shaved their heads, but Scotty says my donation was bigger than theirs combined. :-)


Just some of the friends who went bald for the cause: Jon, Chris, Ginger, Scotty, Frank.


Frank and me at the picnic, enjoying the cool breezes.

Photo credits: I can't remember! I swiped these from Facebook. If they're yours, thank you!!!

Coping with traditional parenting - 2nd edition

In September 2009, Shonna Morgan and I hosted a circle chat at the Good Vibrations Unschooling Conference. We called it "Strangers in a Strange Land: Coping with Traditional Parenting." It went really well, and, since it was partially inspired by a conversation I had with LIFE is Good alum Renee' Cabatic (who was not able to attend GV), we decided to offer it again at LIFE is Good this year. The turnout was amazing, and our circle chat turned into a first-rate brainstorming session.

The question we tried to answer: "On a situation-by-situation basis, how can we improve the lives of children who are being parented traditionally (or worse)?"

To read the notes from the Good Vibrations chat, go here. The coping strategies suggested by the participants at LIFE is Good follow.

INTERVENING IN VIOLENT MOMENTS

• If it's safe, get close and look horrified. Be an obvious witness.
• If getting close is not safe, pre-dial your cellphone to 911 and inform the violent one that you have done so.

INTERVENING IN ANGRY MOMENTS

• Do something surprising or silly or distracting. Break the tension. Shake things up. Carry a little bottle of bubbles in your purse.
• In a timeout situation, act as if the timeout is a fun game and join in.
• Create a space for an overwhelmed child to express himself.
• Empathize with the parent.
• Offer to help.
• Pretend to be new to a peaceful parenting method—"Oh, I just found this technique that really helps"—and share it with the parent.
• Talk to the kid to talk to the parent. Amplify the kid's perspective. "Waiting in line is really hard, isn't it?" "Oh, look at all the candy. Don't you wish we could buy all of it?"
• Help the child find a solution. Usually the child will have to give in to the parent's demands, but you can show her that you understand the conflict. Amplify the parent's perspective—"I think your mom really wants to leave now"—and show that you understand the child's perspective, too—"but you're not ready to leave yet, are you?"
• Act oblivious to the tension of the moment. "What a cute little guy!"
• Counter negative messages by offering additonal perspectives.

HELPING WITH CHILD BOREDOM
(airplanes, lines, kids trapped in strollers)

• Be playful. Give the child clear permission to play so that both parent and child know it's okay.
• Bubbles (as mentioned above).
• Pipe cleaners, stickers, little toys.
• Goodie bags (keep one in purse, replace as needed).
• Ask your own kids to be emissaries. Other parents don't feel as threatened by kids, and kids tend to be fascinated by other kids.

WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS YOU SEE REGULARLY

• Any of the above.
• Model peaceful parenting every chance you get.
• Spanking is NOT allowed in your home. Don't be afraid to say so.

The Doings Report

That LIFE is Good writeup is still coming. Maybe. But right now I just feel like rambling. Aimlessly. Without purpose. Maybe this won't even be a Doings Report but a Lack-of-Doings Report.

I think—and I squirm as I write this out of fear of angering the schedule gods—that we have a completely commitment-free weekend ahead. Holy loose ends, Batman!

I have a cold, one of two variants of the Conference Crud that are going around. Boy, did I get lucky, because the other one involves vomit. I'll take my annoyingly drippy nose any day.

MJ came home for one day and then went back to Oregon. I think her at-home time is less than her away time these days. So far I'm doing okay with this transition. I spoke to Cherie (my friend and former stepmother) on the phone today, and she pointed out that these separations are the natural result of raising independent kids. "We reap what we sow," I said. "Yes." And perhaps that is why I'm doing okay with this transition. For our kids to have the confidence and connections and motivation to build their own lives has been one of our goals all along.

Two of my very favorite authors (Julia Quinn and Lisa Kleypas) had book releases on my birthday. I bought the books and then went to LIFE is Good. Not much reading time there. So, I've spent some of my sickie time this week reading them and am very pleased with both.

New books always run out of pages too fast.

I am still processing my LiG talk. I think it went well, but I am too close to it to know for sure. I wish I could have filmed the audience while I delivered it so that (now that I am out of the semi-fugue state I enter when I'm speaking publicly) I could go back and check out reactions.

I had a big deadline before LiG. Deadline, LiG, Conference Crud. That's my last few weeks in a nutshell.

I am thinking about writing a novel. I am often thinking about writing a novel. In fact, in my years on this planet, I have done WAY more thinking about writing a novel than actual writing of said novel. But there are intriguing chapters tucked here and there. And one of these times when I think about writing a novel I know I will actually do it.

"I know I will actually do it." That is true, but I did not know it until I typed it. Interesting.

I made a bazillion friends at the conference. That is a slight exaggeration. But I did. The tribe just keeps on growing...

Speaking of which, unschooling is back in the news. Nightline (with Juju again, ick) and The View. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch the hatchet jobs clips. I want the media to forget they ever heard of unschooling. They are making the traditionalists nervous. That is never a good thing.

Fear is the mother of morality. ~ Nietzsche

Ja.

Done rambling. Auf Wiedersehen.

The LiG list

I'm working on a writeup about our LIFE is Good experiences, but I am slow. In the meantime, here is my thank-you to Mary Gold:

Dear Mary,

Every year after LIFE is Good, I struggle with the need to tell you what this conference means to me. But every year it is so hard to put into words something that is pure (purest!) feeling. This year's attempt is simply a list of nouns.

What WE Found and Appreciated at LIFE is Good 2010
**A partial list from A to Z(ed)**

- Acceptance
- Activities
- Amy
- Art
- Authenticity
- Babies
- Bald heads
- Balloons
- Bananagrams
- Belonging
- Bionicles
- Birthdays
- Boppers
- Bounties
- Boys
- Brilliance
- Bubbles
- Canadians
- Captain Jack Sparrow
- Chess
- Circle Chats
- Color
- Compassion
- Connections
- Contribution
- Conversation
- Creativity
- Dads
- Dancing
- Discoveries
- Discussions
- Drum Circle
- Energy
- Entertainment
- Fairy Godparents
- Flags
- Friendship
- Fun
- Gaming
- Generosity
- Gifts
- Giggles
- Girls
- Gratitude
- Greybeards
- Hair dye
- Harmony
- Honoring
- Hope
- Hot Backup Chicks
- Hugs
- Hula hoops
- Ideas
- Inspiration
- Joy
- Jumping
- Kindness
- Kids
- Kimya
- Kindness
- Laughter
- Learning
- Life
- Light
- Lone Nuts
- Love
- Mamas
- Meaning
- Motivation
- Music
- Nightowls
- Nursing
- Opportunities
- Originality
- Patience
- Peace
- Perspective
- Pirate treasure
- Playfulness
- Pleasure
- Pokemon
- Presentations
- Questioning
- Quiet (really!)
- Rejuvenation
- Respect
- Restoration
- Romping
- Sharing
- Smiles
- Splashing
- Support
- Talking
- Teens
- Thinking
- Thoughtfulness
- Thriller
- Tie dye
- Time Warp
- Toddlers
- Trust
- Uniqueness
- Unity
- Validation
- Value
- Variety
- Vision
- Visionaries
- Volunteers
- Wii
- Will
- Wine
- Wisdom
- Wonder
- World of Warcraft
- Yes
- Zenmomma

Thank you, Mary, for making it happen once again. Our lives are immeasurably improved by this community.

(Updated 5:09 p.m. with additions from the LIFE is Good Yahoo! group. Thanks, Robin and Kim! Updated again 6/4 with additions from Shonna, Tammi, and Jinger.)

Let the frenzy begin

Line up housesitter: Check
Shop for funshop supplies: Check
Write talk: Check
Pack: Umm...

I have a busy morning ahead.

LIFE IS GOOD OR BUST

A date with reality

Kids in the U.S. are considered old enough to sign over their lives (literally) to the military at age 18. Kids in this same country cannot buy a beer until they are 21.

In Washington state, kids have long been forced to attend school until age 16. A few years ago, the Powers That Be decided 18 was better.

By convention, kids in the U.S. go off to college at 18. In other places, they start a bit earlier than that. Or later. And everywhere, exceptions are routinely made. Many of the most traditionally successful adults I know obtained their degrees sometime in their 30s, if at all.

And yet we, as a society, have firm expectations about what our kids SHOULD be doing at certain times in their lives. At certain ages. We hear about someone who is "still" living at home at ___insert your personal cutoff age here___, and we are disapproving. We judge the parents and their adult child and perhaps even their entire lives together and find them lacking.

And then there's the reverse issue. How often do you hear someone tell you that a kid is "too young" to do whatever it is they are doing? Uh huh. Says who? If the kid feels ready for something, if the obstacles and issues and practicalities have been addressed, what exactly makes a kid too young?

I am writing today to let everyone know—most especially my kids—that I have rejected all of the traditional arbitrary age limits and am adopting new ones. I've provided a few examples that are especially relevant to my family right now. You are welcome to use these if you like the sound of them. If we can't conquer the "shoulds," let's make some of our own!

Age at which kids should choose their own home and lifestyle: 16
Age at which kids should start college: 28 (if at all)
Age at which kids should be financially independent: 32

There. Now we can get on with our glorious, unfettered lives. We'll revisit this discussion on March 11, 2026.

Wrapping the point in silk

Each of us is born with a crazy passion to learn.
Each of us craves knowledge of our world and our place within it.
We learn because we want to learn, because it’s important to us, because it’s natural, and because it’s impossible to live in the world and not learn.
Then along comes school to mess up a beautiful thing.
~ Peggy Pirro, 101 Reasons Why I'm An Unschooler
MJ helped one of my nieces with her long division homework the other day. Hearing that she had done this got me thinking again about what a waste of time and brain cells it is to learn long division.

#1 - As Pam Sorooshian pointed out in her math talk at Good Vibrations last year, the precision of long division is just not what we need out in the real world. Think about when you use division in real life: calculating the best value at the grocery store, figuring gas mileage, seeing how many of something you can use in a given time period or distribute to each person, and so on. And how do you do it? In your head, using estimates. "258 miles on 7.8 gallons, um, that's a little better than 30 mph." Done. Typically, we don't need to know that it was 33.07692 mph. And if we do...

#2 - Most of us carry calculators with us all day every day. We have calculators on our computers, in our phones, in our PDAs, in our watches, magnetized to our dashboards, clipped to our grocery carts, whatever. With a little practice, we can use these faster than we can estimate in our heads.

So, why are they still teaching long division in schools???? It is but one example of how schools have failed to adapt.

Once upon a time, it was vital for a certain group of people to know that wearing a silk shirt under armor might save your life, since the silk makes it easier to remove an arrow if you get shot. Somebody figured this out, and the word spread, and it became part of the standard warrior curriculum. Back then, knowing this technique was a matter of life and death. Nowadays, it's a quaint little factoid.

I'd rather have my kids learning about that than long division. Long division is a dead end, an exercise in tedium, a compelling bit of evidence that "math is hard" (not to mention unpleasant), or worse, that "I am stupid."

That little silk tidbit, though... Now that's interesting. I don't remember where I learned it—probably in a romance novel—but I looked it up on the Internet. It led me to Mongols and absorbency and sutures and animal rights for worms. And it led me to wonder: Who figured this out and how? Can you imagine the circumstances...? Chloe and I laughed together as we talked about it.

In other words, that little tidbit is fun. It opens doors. It engages my brain and reminds me that the world is full of things to discover.

That is what learning should be. I wonder why our schools haven't figured that out.

What unschooling looks like right this second

Child: studying diligently
Parents: doing their level best to distract her from her self-assigned homework

Result: entertaining role reversal

The Doings Report

A quiet evening for the Maier Krewe:

• Chloe is translating and diagramming Latin sentences. (Yes, really.) She has been taking walks to the library and coming home with interesting choices like "First Year Latin" and "A Global History of Architecture."
• MJ is spending the night at Grandma and Grandpa's because spending the weekend with them only whetted her appetite.
• Frank was watching TV, but Chloe and I kept talking to him too much so he switched to the Internet, which evidently allows for more multitasking.
• I have been cruising Facebook (where I have really been enjoying "May the Fourth Be With You" day) and the LIFE is Good Yahoo! group (which is quite lively three weeks out from the conference).

Umm... THREE WEEKS OUT FROM THE CONFERENCE?!?! Holy socks, I'd better get my talk written.

Good advice

Remember that you only have to take one step at a time.
Breathe, baby.
Have fun!

In one IM conversation, these were the bits of advice I offered to a friend. Trite? Perhaps. Easy to say? Definitely. Bad advice? Not even close. Those are the Big Three for not only coping with but enjoying what life throws at you.

Here's one more: When things get stressful, remember the Big Three.

I think that's the hardest part.

Make a joyful light

I met a little girl in my dreams last night. Looking back on it now, I can theorize labels for this girl and know that she was probably on the Aspergers spectrum. Whatever. In my dream, she was simply my friend. She carried with her at all times one of those little keychain LED flashlights that you squeeze to light up. That flashlight was a cause for concern in her family, and I was caught up in the concern.

So, she and her siblings and I were hanging out together at the mall. We were having a blast and there were many distractions, and I was able to manipulate my little friend into giving me her flashlight for a while. But then we walked into THE toy store, the kind of toy store that kids fantasize about. FAO Schwartz on crack. My friend was suddenly a dancing ball of energy, hopping up and down and tugging manically on the pocket where I'd put her flashlight. I laughed and hugged her and promptly gave her back her light, which she proceeded to flash happily over and over again.

In the way of dreams, her dad appeared beside us and said something to her in that indulgent-scolding voice that all parents probably use from time to time. It's a voice that says, "I'm letting you do this just this once, but I find your need to do it amusing." I turned to him and said, "Steve, that's how she shows you her joy." And the light dawned for him, too, and we were all settling into enjoying the very pretty lights when my alarm went off and I woke up.

I think it is no accident that we use "light" words when we talk about joy, and no coincidence that a light symbolized joy in my dream. Our faces light up. We beam smiles. We glow with happiness. Joy dawns on our faces.

One of my favorite things about the unschooling community is that our friends amplify my kids' joy the way I amplified the little girl's joy in my dream. They do this all the time, not only by recognizing MJ's and Chloe's expressions of joy but by joining into it. At its roots, to enjoy means to put joy into, and our friends do that, too. MJ and Chloe have friends of all ages, all over the place, who are their friends in joy. They play and laugh together and trust each other. It is stunningly beautiful to watch.

And these friends help me see with better eyes. I can look back over our unschooling years and remember so many times when the words or simple presence of unschooling friends—people who habitually, deliberately, look for and find the best in people—showed me the path out of fear-based, critical parenting and into acceptance and fun and doing life together. Unschoolers remind me in a thousand ways to enjoy my kids, and my partnership, and my life. They show me the light.

Do you see it?

Funland

My 10yo unschooled niece, Emma, has a vision of a wonderful place to live. It's called "Funland." She dictated the following description to me and asked me to share it with you.

Instead of vegetables and fruits being healthy, it's the opposite way around, with the not-as-healthy stuff being more healthy than the healthy stuff.

There are no allergies of any kind at all. Unless somebody deserves it. Like, when people get in the animals' faces so the pets don't have any time to do anything, then they will get allergies.

People learn by unschooling; there's no school at all.

There is music and happiness all the time. Any kind of music – the people get to choose - and you only hear the kind of music that you want to hear. Rooms and areas can be soundproofed for people who want quiet time.

There would be no bullying and no rules like "no hugging" and stuff like that.

Things only cost $1 or less even though it was like a diamond or something, and nobody was poor. Food was free and nobody was homeless. Or if people were homeless they would at least have cooking places like soup kitchens to help them.

Government would give us money instead of us giving them money. Government would print up the money and hand it out. People would only work because they love to, and then when they have their own stuff to trade or money from selling stuff, they would get less money from the government. And the government could have all the money he wanted because he could make it himself.

The government is a king or queen. The king or queen is chosen because they are nice, by election and from a test that would show how good he or she would be at the job. As soon as someone gets the job, a magic spell takes hold that makes them be nice and not greedy, but the spell is just in case the other stuff wasn't enough.

People with $500 would be rich, because they'd be able to buy so much stuff. Just because stuff is cheap doesn't mean it's bad.

Animals could talk. They would tell us what they wanted and what they didn't. And then we could understand if they wanted to do something or not, like if they wanted to stay inside and play or if they have to go the bathroom.

It would be kind of like the future there, so there would be hovering cars and mini-trains that you could ride on to get places. Instead of scooters, they'd all be either motor scooters or hover scooters. Teleporters would let you be somewhere in one second.

Emma's house would be a big huge mansion, and houses would only be $1. There would be pools and hot tubs and skating rinks and ice skating rinks. If they had a wishing well, when they put a coin in it, the wish would come true. It would only be one penny. The movie area would be like a movie theater.

Her bedroom would have a TV, and her bed could move around so she wouldn't have to get up. There would be a big porch outside her room with a nice view. The room would have a guest bed so she could have friends or sister stay there sometimes. She'd have a people mover that went through a wall and to all parts of the house. The kitchen would have food at all times, and she could have food in her room whenever she wanted to. There would be secret room under the stairs or something that would be only for her best friends.

Her parents' room would be a bigger room, obviously, and it would have the same kind of bed and TV as in her room. The beds would be adjustable, go up and down, with a massager built in. And the room would have a couch and whatever they wanted, and all the rooms could be divided in half so you could have your privacy, such as when a guest is over or you just want to be separate.

The yard would be a nice, big yard, especially if they had an animal or pet. It would have big toys in it, including a trampoline—the big kind—and a swing set. And there would be a tree with perfect branches for climbing, and there would be a tire swing on it and a tree house in it. An awesome one.

People never get sick. They are kind of like the elves in Lord of the Rings: they live forever unless they're killed. (Immortal but not invulnerable.) When you go to Funland, you become immortal, and if you leave Funland, you become mortal.

They have babies, but Funland never gets too crowded; you just keep adding on.

Unschoolers respond

The original Good Morning America piece
The follow-up interview with the Bieglers this morning

Unschooler responses to the GMA content and to the subsequent huge wave of negative comments about unschooling:

Good Morning America: Don't You Love Your Children?
Jeff addressing the "they're lazy" theme.

Unschooling on GMA
Child's Play point-by-point rundown on the original piece.

Unschooling Stephanopoulos: Good Morning America Fail
Heather explaining what unschooling is rather than what it isn't.

Unschooling: How Good Morning America Got It All Wrong
Filmmaker Lee Stranahan cuts through the hyperbole.

Inspired by the Good Morning America piece
Ren talks about her priorities.

Unschooling Gets Publicity...In a BIG Way
Idzie on what all this publicity might mean.

23 Facts About Unschooling
Brianna lays it all out.

Good Morning America - Featuring Unedited Unschoolers
Humans Being commentary on how the second piece today may have been too little too late, plus general commentary on the short attention span of your average American TV viewer.

Quote from unschooling mom and advocate Dayna Martin:
"[I have] been flooded with emails and phone calls since the GMA Unschooling episodes have aired! My YouTube Channel has been mega-blasted with subscribers and comments... My book is sold out at Borders and my publisher received a huge order from Amazon... I have had several requests for interviews and appearances also today...... Phew! What a trip! We're loud! - we're proud! - We're Radical Unschoolers!"

UPDATE WITH MORE LINKS 4/21
The Uproar Over Unschooling
Tara theorizes about why people are freaking the hell out.

My Thoughts on the Recent Unschooling Hub Bub
Amy writes about why quickie descriptions of unschooling don't cut it, and more.

Tori's response to the comments on the GMA feature
Grown unschooler Tori shares her opinions.

And my personal favorite ;-) ...
A Modest Proposal (a la Swift but not as draconian)
Frank suggests better use of the word "unparenting."

NEW LINKS 4/22
Bad Press
Holly talks about why unschoolers should speak out.

Wild Week
Sandra shares some quotes from the continuing flow of ooze and joy the GMA piece has spawned.

So Today I Hear I'm a Neglectful Parent
Kelly advises gentle discourse and keeping things in perspective.

Unschooling and Unjournalism
Media analyst and homeschooling dad Peter J. Orvetti critiques the original GMA piece

Moving along from religion to politics

"Things are not always as [the media] portrays them through highly
selective editing of reality... A fuller truth is found on the cutting room floor."
~ California Attorney General Jerry Brown

The most inflammatory clips from the so-called ACORN investigation were faked.

I think James O'Keefe and Hannah Giles' behavior is reprehensible in the extreme. Fox News' behavior in giving these scam artists an (eager) audience is even worse.

Rachel Maddow tears Breitbart's ACORN tapes apart

Changing my religion

Recent coverage of unschooling in the mainstream media has me once again thinking about starting the church of radical unschooling. When one holds beliefs as deeply as I hold my beliefs in RU, it can be rather frightening that it is possible for a government agency to interfere with how one lives. For the most part, this fear doesn't, well, worry me much: there is no provision in Washington state law for anyone to interfere, and even if there were, we have all our legal ducks in a row and could head them off at the pass (if you'll pardon the mixed metaphors). As a worst case, both our girls are old enough and academically competent enough to be graduated tomorrow if needed.

But that's us. Across the country, we have hundreds of friends who may not be in this same cozy position. Some of them have younger kids or less academically inclined kids, and some live in states where there are huge machines for state interference in homeschooler lives. Others, for reasons of their own, choose to fly under the legal radar, removed from all state requirements. As the bureaucrats and well intentioned but sadly ignorant do-gooders learn more about unschooling, I fear attacks on the peace and joy of all their unschooling lives.

At the risk of sounding like a Libertarian, I think the government should Butt Out. I also believe, passionately, that the government has less right to—pardon me—fuck with my children's minds than I do. (And I have no right at all.)

You could say it's a religion I live by. The tenets of this religion are simple but profoundly, deeply held:

1. "The basic right of all human beings is the right to choose what to learn and think." John Holt

2. "Children do not need to be made to learn to be better, told what to do or shown how. If they are given access to enough of the world, they will see clearly enough what things are truly important to themselves and to others, and they will make for themselves a better path into that world then anyone else could make for them." John Holt

3. "[True meaning is found] in families, in friends, in the passage of seasons, in nature, in simple ceremonies and rituals; in curiosity, generosity, compassion, and service to others, in a decent independence and privacy, in all the free and inexpensive things out of which real families, real friends and real communities are built." John Taylor Gatto

4. "[Schooling is] simply dragging a child's soul through the dirt.” George Bernard Shaw

or (if you prefer):

"School is prison. School is prison. School is prison." Peter Gray

5. "...Science, art and history [are] all the same 'subject,' and [it includes] people and language and music. [Realizing this provides] a feeling of expansiveness, of blossoming." Sandra Dodd

6. "If one thing makes you think of another thing, you form a connection between them in your mind. The more connections you have, the better access you have to cross-connections. The more things something can remind you of, the more you know about it, or are learning about it." Sandra Dodd

7. "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." Albert Einstein

8. "It is a very grave mistake to think that the enjoyment of seeing and searching can be promoted by means of coercion and a sense of duty." Albert Einstein

9. "When freedom is outlawed, only outlaws will be free." Tom Robbins

10. "Autodidacts are the shiznit." Chloe Maier

By pulling these tenets into an organized, government-recognized religion, and thanks to the First Amendment separation of church and state, we might spare our "followers" from any and all interference with these tenets.

Now I just need a name for the church. I'm thinking about "Sundance Temple of Free Unschoolers." You supply the acronym. ;-)

Of gorillas and unschoolers

I love this post, perhaps because Heather's family's trip to the zoo provides a microcosmic view of unschooling life. This is how unschooling (aka, learning) works, people. Pay attention!

How to Trust Children Who Stare at Gorillas

And here is one of my posts, on a related note.

A new service for unschooling bloggers

If you would like me to copyedit your blog posts, you can send them to me here. I will endeavor to get them back to you within a few hours (unless you're in Europe or an early riser on the East Coast). I will limit my edits to spelling and grammar, leaving your writing style intact, and you will of course have the final say on what gets published.

My motivation for doing this is simple: Good writers are not necessarily good editors. I'd like to minimize editorial issues that distract readers from the important themes being discussed on unschooling blogs.

This is a free service.

The "Must Learn" list

Is there anything you think kids must learn?

In this post last month, I said no:

It's that old question about whether there is anything that kids MUST learn. I think the answer is "no," because as soon as you put something on that list, you take away from the kids the unfettered, creative right to determine for themselves what has value in their lives. And learning *that* is the most important learning of all.

But this subject keeps coming up lately. Since I've been revisiting it mentally, I thought I'd revisit it publicly, too.

I suppose I really do have a few items on the Must Learn list. I think all people should learn how to:

• Listen actively even when bored
• Be kind even when _____ (fill in the blank)
• Read
• Use a calculator, or do simple calculations mentally, or some combination of these
• Add gas, oil, and tire pressure to the car
• Navigate a Web site and use a search engine
• Juggle funds and anticipate expenses so that the bills get paid mostly on time
• Do at least a few of the things on Neil Gaiman's list

There you have it. I've made a curriculum.

Now we come to the important question: What am I going to do with it?

I could package it up and try to make my living convincing parents that their kids will be abject failures and face hideous consequences if they don't learn these things. I could develop tests to go with my curriculum, and offer diplomas to people who score well enough on the tests. I could foster an entire industry of remedial instructional programs to "help" kids who aren't making the grade. All of that is what our education system does (and if you think their curriculum is any less arbitrary than mine, watch this slideshow).

Or I could be like your average school-at-home homeschooler and sit my kids down at a table every weekday morning (and sometimes on Sundays) and have them do worksheets and read dry texts about my chosen educational goals. If I were really enlightened, we'd go out and pop the hood on the car for a little variety.

I could spend hours agonizing over my kids' progress. I could infect them with worry and a feeling of inadequacy. I could tell them they need to work harder, buckle down, apply themselves, realize their potential, do better, be more like their siblings or cousins or neighbor kids, focus, shape up, measure up, pay attention, and above all stop fooling around. I could tell them that they are BEHIND, that they are WRONG, that they are RUINING THEIR LIVES, that they are WEIRD SPECIAL, or (gag me) that they just need a little more help than most people.

Oh! I know! I could punish my kids for not learning these things, or not learning them well enough. I could restrict their activities, and spy on them, and yell at them every day! Yeah! That's the ticket! I'm sure that will make their lives rich and full and successful!

NOT.

No, we're not going there. First off, I don't think we need to. Whatever my kids' Must Learns are (and I am fully prepared for their lists to look very different from mine), well, they will learn them! And even if they don't...

Suppose they don't learn some of the things on the list...

Then what?

The old Zen proverb goes like this: "Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water."

I think we can borrow from that wisdom. "Before the curriculum is created, live and learn. After the curriculum is created, live and learn."

What other choice do we really have?

Extra! Extra!

In this post, I labeled much of what we've been busy with the last few months as "extra," and I strongly implied that I have too much "extra" in my life. My Uncle Scott had this to say:

"Those aren't extras - that's your life. You wouldn't know what to do without all of those extras."

The first part of that thought had occurred to me as I was writing the post, but I went with it anyway because those activities feel like extra. I think this is mainly because our core lifestyle, the life the four of us have together, is so fun and rich and complete that I would be pretty damned content if that were all we had.

I am also kind of sensitive to outside input. Hmm, let's try that again: I am very sensitive to outside input. If I don't get lots of downtime, quiet spells with next-to-no outside input, I become anxious and depressed. And my mental state can turn on a dime. One minute, I'm "Yay! People! Let's party!" and the next, life sucks and I want to go home and I want to be alone and I cry and I snap at my family and even our core lifestyle seems terribly, ponderously difficult.

So, I try to find a balance. I love my friends and my extended family, I love spending time with them, and I receive SO much love and joy from them. Uncle Scott is right that I would be terribly sorry if I didn't have that. But my intention for 2010 is to remember to make the quiet times and our core lifestyle more of a priority.

Gamers are the future (and the future is now)

Grown unschooler Anna posted an interesting article about the benefits of video gaming. She links to some studies in which even mainstream scientists have acknowledged these benefits. Good points all.

But what the experts often overlook--even when they conclude that gaming has benefits--is the gaming industry itself. It is a multibillion-dollar Big Deal, growing all the time, with more and more jobs opening up, and broader and broader appeal. And in many ways, we non-gamers are the ones being left behind!

This weekend at SakuraCon, I was surrounded by gamers of every stripe. They were there for fun, certainly, but they were also there for work. As at any professional convention, they shared tips and techniques, they brainstormed, they sought out rumors and ideas. And these people are not fooling around! They move fast, they talk fast, they have their own language and inside jokes, and--I firmly believe--they are creating tomorrow's professional networks. Those of us on the outside will have a hard time breaking in!

The parallels to the budding movie and television industries are inescapable. Those who resisted the changes in our economy and society that these new industries represented eventually had to come around and accept the new reality. So will those who resist gaming. Sure, parents can shun any medium, and many do, often "for the good of the children." But I fail to see how shielding children from something that so dominates our culture does anything but harm. Poor little wolf-raised babes!

Embrace the future. Embrace the technology. It isn't going anywhere, and it is far better for your kids to grow up in the world where tech is natural, a no-brainer, a fact of life, than in one where tech is something to be feared and controlled.

The Doings Report

One of my intentions for 2010 is to beware of extra.

Um, yeaaaah. FAIL.

In January, I started a new job. I also rehearsed (in another country) and played (in another state) a gig. This was a joy, but... Extra!

In February, we welcomed niece and new unschooler Emma into our daily routine. This is a continuing joy, but... Extra!

Also in February, I presented a little intro to meditation to my grandma and some of her friends. This was a joy and a real learning experience, but... Extra!

In March, my grandma was hospitalized with a badly broken shoulder. Not a joy. I began visiting her several times per week, and then moved in with her for a week in hopes of helping her transition back to independent living. Glad to do it, but... Extra!

Also in March, we traveled to that other country again for a 5Rhythms workshop and more rehearsal, celebrated Chloe's 16th birthday, and welcomed beloved houseguests. More joy, and more and more and more, but... Extra!

And now it is April. I spent the entire weekend at SakuraCon with MJ, Chloe, and Emma. MJ's boyfriend, Sean, is arriving for a visit. We're headed back to Canada for more rehearsal. There's a Non-Con to attend and several birthdays to observe. I'm thinking about enrolling in another meditation class. Oh, yes, and the @#^&%! taxes are due.

EX-FREAKING-TRA!

But I'm sure May will be different.

Unschool is an intransitive verb

I am not entirely comfortable with the phrase "I unschool my kids."

It's not something I do to them really. It's something they do for themselves, in the supportive environment Frank and I have created and continually adapt to their changing needs. If I say I unschool them, it feels like I am taking credit for their learning and accomplishments. I know this is semantics. But I think using more precise words here can help with the same sort of mental shift as the one from 'teach' to 'learn.'

I often say, "We unschool," on the other hand, referring to the whole family. And we do! Unschooling is about much more than learning, and there is no other word that describes our all-encompassing lifestyle so well.

Nevertheless, the shorthand provided by "unschool" as a transitive verb can be handy, and I once titled a talk "Unschooling teenagers." But I was at least aware of the variety of ways to interpret that title. :-)

Guest house

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

~ Rumi

A note on spanking

I'm cleaning off my computer and found this bit that I wrote about spanking, in response to someone who believes that when kids are not "disciplined," it leads to problems. His argument was that kids heal from the hurt of discipline but flounder without it.

I have done it both ways. I spanked my kids, and then I stopped spanking them and started hugging them instead. ("When in doubt, hug" was my mantra.) I disciplined my kids, and then I stopped disciplining them and started listening to them instead. This little study, conducted in my house, with my own kids as both test subjects and control group, showed all too clearly what the effects of punitive discipline are. In a word, the effects are BAD. My kids when spanked were sadder, angrier, sneaky, defiant, rebellious, and starting to move away from me. As preschoolers! What they are now, at 17 and nearly 16, is happy, open, trusting, and both independent and attached (depending on the moment and the mood).

What unschooling parents do instead of discipline is modeling, coaching, and debriefing. The first speaks for itself; we are kind and polite and playful, so our kids learn to be kind and polite and playful. The second and third involve a gazillion small conversations before, during, and after an event. "Grandma will appreciate it if..." "When people ask for the magic word, they want you to say please." "If you need some quiet time during the party, just let me know." "If you need help getting Jessica to share, let me know." "The reason Billy got upset today was..." "You know what might help next time?" And so on and on and on.

In an intense situation, we simply *act*. For example, if a child goes near the road, we move the child. If a child is unable to cope with whatever is going on, we remove the child--not as punishment, but as a loving partner who is helping her.

What happens when kids are raised with respect and partnership instead of discipline (punishment) and authority is that *kids trust their parents*. They listen to us. They ask for our help. They look to us for cues on how to act. They talk to us about their experiences, hopes, ambitions, frustrations, and worries.

And when they get to be teens, they (and their friends!) still like spending time and talking with their parents. Every moment when our kids were younger where we chose to listen, trust, and respond instead of reacting with harshness or violence has paid off in spades.

So yes, healing is possible. After all, my kids were spanked and they are now well adjusted. But can I say they were unharmed by that time? Absolutely not.

Freedom to learn

I have a problem or six with this quote from Ayn Rand:

"The only purpose of education is to teach a student how to live his life—by developing his mind and equipping him to deal with reality. The training he needs is theoretical, i.e., conceptual. He has to be taught to think, to understand, to integrate, to prove. He has to be taught the essentials of the knowledge discovered in the past—and he has to be equipped to acquire further knowledge by his own effort."

The entire quote smacks of kids needing something done TO them: teach, develop, equip, train, "has to be taught." It's completely antithetical to how we approach the world. We believe our kids arrived in our lives as complete people. They learn from what they see, do, and experience, just as adults do, but THEY own the process. Our part of it is simply to make their home and lifestyle as kind and fun and resource-rich as we can. What they take from it is completely up to them.

It's that old question about whether there is anything that kids MUST learn. I think the answer is "no," because as soon as you put something on that list, you take away from the kids the unfettered, creative right to determine for themselves what has value in their lives. And learning *that* is the most important learning of all.

Just sing

My elementary school had a well respected choir. The choir director, Miss Brittingham, would hold rehearsals each year, and a select group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders would be chosen as that year's choir. Being in the choir was a Big Deal. Choir members got to be out of class each week for rehearsals, they got to go on field trips to performances, and—best of all—they got to say, "I'm in the choir." I tried out all three years I was eligible and got in once. I was thrilled the year I got in, of course, but what I remember more is the years I didn't. Not making the cut was pretty traumatic. I wasn't good enough.

I took choir classes in middle school and junior high, but the choir directors were uninspiring at best and pompous autocrats at worst. They did not improve my singing ability or my self-esteem, and by the time I got to high school, I was done. I had decided that I was, at best, a mediocre singer and that I should limit myself to singing along with the radio.

(I wasn't really wrong, by the way. I am a mediocre singer: my range is pretty limited, and my ability to sing on key... well, it fluctuates.)

So there I was, going through life as a mediocre singer—or rather, not thinking of myself as a singer at all—crooning rock-n-roll lullabies to my babies, belting out classic rock during my commute, shouting out Christmas carols with daughters and nieces who were quite happy to be off key with me.

And then one day at LIFE is Good 2009, Frank and Jeff and Russ said, "Hey, we're doing 'Gloria' for the talent show, and we need backup chicks."

And just like that, I became a backup singer. I've spent the last year singing. I've performed shows in public. I even sang lead on one song in January and plan to do so again in May. It has been pure, perfectly imperfect fun.

And the really interesting thing is that now, in my 40s, because I am doing it, I am becoming a better singer. I have learned so much about technique and breath control and harmonizing and taking cues from the musicians and my fellow chicks. My range is still limited, but it's enough. And I've discovered that when one is performing live music with a rock-n-roll band, being off key now and then is not the end of the world. Usually nobody notices.

G. K. Chesterton said, "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." What he could have added is that by doing, you might find "badly" changing to "better and better," and even if you don't, it can be a helluva good time along the way.

Ugh

Teetering

Do you ever feel you're on the brink of figuring out something BIG, if only you had the time and life-quiet to do it?

Magic markers

We make a lot of wishes in my family. Someone's necklace clasp has worked its way to the front? Make a wish as you move it back into place. Going through a tunnel? Hold your breath and make a wish. The clock says 11:11? Make a wish. We toss wishes in fountains, send wishes to stars, blow wishes on birthday candles.

It occurred to me that all these opportunities for wishes make excellent opportunities for bringing more mindfulness into my life. In my meditation class last spring, they encouraged us to come up with markers—regular occurrences in our day that would remind us to pause and be in the moment. They suggested things like brushing our teeth, waiting for an elevator, starting the car, and so on, but I have actually found those types of things to be too routine.

I can borrow some of that wishing time, though. After all, it's time when I am already pausing for a moment to think of something nice.

How to fight

I haven't blogged in so long that I thought I'd go ahead and post this here. I wrote it for Unschooling Partnerships, a new list on Yahoo! Groups where unschooling parents can discuss bringing the principles of unschooling into our marriages or partnerships.

--HOW TO FIGHT--

I grew up in an environment where disagreements were handled loudly. I used to store scathing things to say, and I always got the chance to use them. That is the method of communication I brought into my relationship with Frank.

Well. Let's just say it did not work very well. When I went into a conversation with Frank with either volume or accusations, that was pretty much the end of the conversation. A brick wall is more responsive and communicative than Frank when he feels attacked. I learned this pretty quickly, but I didn't have any other tools, so there was a stretch there where our disagreements were looooooooooooooooooong periods of silence. The tension in the room was all consuming.

By now, we've developed some better tools. These mean, first off, that we have fewer fights. We check in with each other earlier and nip a lot of them in the bud. Disagreements that do get to the angry stage tend to be short-lived because, essentially, we have learned how to fight more effectively.

I'll share some of our tools and habits here and look forward to hearing what
works for you.

Rule #1: Cardio. No, just kidding (although it probably wouldn't hurt). Our prime directive, as it were, is to use "I" statements. I feel, I want, I wish, I am hoping, I am trying to accomplish X. The minute we get into "you do this, you do that," the conversation is in trouble. Accusations beget defense, and we can't connect if we're defended against each other.

Take things one at a time. When our emotions (mine and his) are in a messy stew, we tend to lump disparate complaints into one Big Issue. As soon as we break them back down into their separate selves, we begin to see solutions instead of overwhelm.

Stay on target. I actually learned this from a manager whom I otherwise detested. She would listen very intently to side issues that cropped up, and then firmly direct the conversation back to her goal for the meeting. With us, if we start out talking about issue A and issue B comes up, we try to table issue B for the time being. That way, the main concern of whoever initiated the conversation doesn't get lost, and issue B will still be there whenever we have the time and energy to address it.

Avoid escalation. This is mostly for me. Frank never escalates. When he gets pissed, he clamps his mouth shut so tight I sometimes wonder if he'll ever get it open again. :-) But I react to hurts verbally and quickly, so I have learned over the years to check my reactions. I slow things down. I breathe. I ask for clarification. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" If the answer is yes, I try to respond with puzzlement instead of outrage: "I don't understand why you would say that."

Allow your partner's feelings. Feelings aren't always rational and logical. They aren't always fair. In fact, they often come from "old tapes," as Frank says, that are so emotionally charged that rationality, logic, and fairness are way out of reach. Try to have compassion for the hurt contained in those old tapes, even as you ask your partner to move forward with you.

Don't overreact. For whatever reason, having somebody mad at me sends me into a tailspin. I guess I'm phobic about anger. A week or so ago, Frank was mad at me and I didn't know why and he wasn't ready to talk about it. By the time we did talk about it, I had been through our entire divorce in my head. And this even after I had meditated on it and recognized how I was overreacting! Then of course, it was *nothing*, just a bad mood really, and boy, did I feel silly. Ah, well, learning all the time.

My last one is something about being solution-oriented. I'm having trouble articulating it, because so often our solution is to "go forth and sin no more." Maybe it's more about recognition than solution. It's about always moving out of the disagreement with renewed commitment to be kind, attentive, and responsive.

Other ideas?

You've got to move it move it

I'm tired of screwing around. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed and whining about how much I have to do. It's bullshit. It's a lie I tell myself just about every day. If I really had too much to do, there would be some evidence of it in my life. I would miss work deadlines. I would let my family and friends down in other than momentary ways. I would stop saying "Yes" when we receive invitations, and I would stop coming up with cool things to do and see and experience. If I were as busy as I claim, I would have long since said, "ENOUGH."

What's true is that I spend HOURS of every week refreshing my inbox and stressing about how much I have to do. Without doing any of it.

A couple weeks ago I discovered the magic of living life in 15- or 20-minute increments. A friend reminded me that FlyLady has been recommending this for housecleaning for years, but I'm taking it farther. Think of all the things you can do effectively—even brilliantly—in 15 or 20 minutes. This morning, I have meditated, written my Morning Pages, cruised Facebook, answered email, exercised, and now written a blog post. Next on the agenda is my morning ablutions and, dare I say it, some actual FlyLady-style housecleaning instead of just my usual gold-medal whinging about housecleaning.

A body in motion tends to stay in motion. I know this. Perhaps if I can simply *move* instead of doing so much thinking about moving, I can finally take advantage of it.

The reason why

The question: Why are you doing that?
The answer: Because it's fun!

Yes, this is a simplistic little Q&A, but it represents a distinct pattern I have noticed in our lives since we started unschooling. Fun is our driving force. We consider it a worthy goal, all by itself, and it leads us to such good things.

Society so often insists that we do things for weighty reasons, for unpleasant reasons, for "good" reasons. What we've found, though, is that living for fun does not mean ignoring responsibilities, or shirking duties, or abandoning productivity. It simply means we enjoy what we do.

TJ Shuflin, an unschooling friend and professional photographer, explained it nicely on Facebook today:

"... if you don't call it a job, it isn't work. If you call it a hobby, it is fun. So I call what I do my 'hobbiness' and I'm getting paid to have fun while not working!"

Good morning

How to Create a Powerful Morning Ritual
By Christine Kane

It is said that your habits create your destiny.

I'd add that your habits also create your confidence, courage and even your creativity!

In other words, your daily choices, routines, and seemingly insignificant moments make all the difference in your results.

One of the best ways to generate great results is to create a morning ritual. A powerful morning ritual sets the tone for your entire day - and your entire year!

A ritual is personal. A ritual is creative. (Not reactive!) A ritual is what gets YOU on track to create your best day. (And subsequently, your best life!) It can be as simple as a 15-minute routine, or as intense as long-distance running. The important thing is that it becomes a HABIT.

My morning ritual combines a mixture of physical, mental and heart-centered activities to engage each of these human power centers!

Here are some ideas to help you create your own powerful morning ritual.

Hydrate First

Many Eastern health practitioners recommend chugging down at least a half-liter of filtered room-temperature water first thing. (Yes, before your coffee!)

Upon waking, your body has spent hours without hydration. Drinking pure water at this time triggers a series of physiological functions that keep your body super healthy. Some report that this one practice can actually heal many diseases. (I'm not a scientist – but I can attest to the amazing results!)

Get Moving

Exercise is called "The Number One Form of Preventive Medicine."

It is also a prescription for happiness and a cure for depression! Getting exercise first thing sets your day off right. You can do a simple stretching routine, yoga or an all-out heart-pounding hour at the gym. Pick something do-able and do it.

Meditate

Many people don't meditate because they find it intimidating. I say, start with just 5 minutes. Meditation connects you to your center, and to the deep silence that surpasses any drama that might be happening in the world of your personality. Don't worry about doing it right. Just allow yourself the time to BE.

Set Intention

"Intention rules the earth," says Oprah Winfrey.

It's true! Your intention is a powerful force to engage.

Remembering your intention puts you back on track. You become focused again.

Reflect for a moment on your Word of the Year. Read a goal you've written down for yourself. Remind yourself of a financial dream. (If you're one of my new students in Uplevel Your Business, read the intention you wrote down on the first day of the program!)

You don't have to know the HOW. You just need to set the intention so your inner GPS can stay on target!

Be Grateful

Before I get out of bed, I silently create a morning gratitude list. When I begin my day remembering my "gratitudes," (instead of my "anxieties") my heart fills with extreme joy and deep awareness. I then bring that energy into everything I do - and to everyone with whom I connect.

Use a Netty Pot

(This one's a little weird!)

For years, my acupuncturist told my husband and I to use a Netty Pot. We laughed at him. Then, in the face of acute sinus problems, my husband tried it and became a convert. He converted me.

A Netty Pot uses warm water and a special salt to cleanse your sinuses and clear your breathing. Google it, and let the idea sit with you for a while. (You might be a convert too!)

Eat Creative

Your choice of breakfast foods can set up your success with other meals as well. Start your day off in the healthiest way possible for you - and make it a ritual, not a chore.

Be Prepared: Create a Not-to-Do List

Everyone needs a "Not To Do" morning list.

Suggestions here include anything that brings up a "reactive" state: Turning on the local news. Checking email. Answering texts. Answering the phone.

Let these things wait until AFTER your ritual has been completed!

Your Assignment:

After reading this article, don't just think, "Wow. Those are some good ideas. I should try one or two."

Instead, deliberately create your morning ritual now. Take about 20 minutes to think about and write down what your ritual will be each morning. Start simple at first. Choose one or two items from this menu. Or come up with your own. Write out your Ritual in detail.

Begin first thing tomorrow morning, and let your habits create YOUR destiny starting now!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE?
Please do! Just be sure to include this complete blurb with it:

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her 'LiveCreative' weekly ezine with more than 11,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

WANT TO SEE HUNDREDS MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE?
See Christine's blog - Be Creative. Be Conscious. Be Courageous - at ChristineKane.com/blog.

Serenity

I'm wearing my Serenity t-shirt today. It means more to me than ever.

Ever since Firefly, the word "serenity" has extremely (extremely) positive connotations for me. It encompasses not only its original meaning but all the honor and humor and family-like bonding from the show.

With my friend Serenity's death from cancer two weeks ago (!), it has come to encompass even more. It is a reminder to live now, to appreciate, to cherish, and to never take for granted. It means not only a state of being but a deliberate act of joy and remembrance.

Serenity = Love

I can't imagine a more wonderful legacy for my friend.

Who dat?

And shepherds we shall be,
For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from thy hand,
that our feet may swiftly carry out thy command.
We shall flow a river forth to thee,
And teeming with Colts shall it ever be.

Premise: using the wrong word will get you booted off the premises

Here's another pet peeve: using "premise" singular to mean a building or property. YUCK! Retail types do this all the time. "I want the shipment to be on premise by Tuesday." YUCK!

"Premise" singular is an idea, an argument, the foundation for a theory. If you're talking about the building or property, it MUST be plural "premises."

Speaking of pet peeves

10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling

Commas!

Here are a couple of great reference pages about comma use.

Terribly Write's Top 5 Comma Errors
Purdue Online Writing Lab Extended Rules for Using Commas

My pet peeves recently—aside from (shoot me now) apostrophes in plurals—are commas between month and year when no date appears and commas between subject and verb.

Wrong: It is not January, 2010.
Right: Okay, it is January 2010, but only if you write it correctly.

Wrong: Being alone in your obsessions, can be aggravating.
Right: Being alone in your obsessions can be aggravating.

Things we're looking forward to

We're going to be busy, busy, busy in the next sixth months. But compared to last year? We're taking it easy!

1/23 — Heather's Non-non-con Birthday Potluck, featuring her special guest, The Coffee Goddess! Thank god, because (a) I shouldn't have to go a week without seeing other unschoolers, and (b) I'm almost out of coffee.

1/27 — "Meet Me in St. Louis" at the Village Theatre.

1/29 to 1/31 — Zenmomma's Non-Con and 50th Birthday Extravaganza, featuring The Greybeards! Sort of! (We have some talented guys standing in for beloved bandmates Alex, Jeff, and Marc, who couldn't make the trip up from California.)

1/31 to 2/7 or 2/8
- Chloe stays behind in Corvallis to hang out with the Golds. They'll bring her back to us eventually. I hope.
- A visit from Sean (17), except we probably won't get to see much of him because he and MJ will be dogsitting for Grandma.

2/26 — Naomi Aldort talk in Snohomish, and it looks like we might have a few (12?) unschooling houseguests that night who are traveling in to see her. Yay!

3/6 — Surprise birthday party for a friend who shall remain nameless even though I don't think this person reads my blog.

3/11 — Holy mother of god, Chloe turns 16.

3/24 — "Lost in Yonkers" at the Village Theatre.

4/1 to 4/4 — SakuraCon Anime Convention in downtown Seattle. I reserved a hotel room just in case we've won the lottery by then, but we'll probably commute.

4/24 or 4/25 — World Rhythm Festival at the Seattle Center.

4/27 — Frank's birthday.

5/15 or 5/16 — University of Washington Street Fair.

5/19 — "The Gypsy King" at the Village Theatre.

5/25 — My birthday.

5/26 to 6/1 — LIFE is Good 2010 (with extra days on either side for extra fun).

And in June, I get my teeth cleaned. Phew!

You know, once upon a time "taking it easy" meant something entirely different around here.

For Serenity

"Yes, I believe that we are light, and we shine infinitely."
— Amy Steinberg, "Exactly"

Haiti

I need more words than a Facebook status update provides to respond to this excerpt from a press release from CBN:

"His comments were based on the widely-discussed 1791 slave rebellion... where the slaves allegedly made a famous pact with the devil in exchange for victory over the French. This history, combined with the horrible state of the country, has led countless scholars and religious figures over the centuries to believe the country is cursed. Dr. Robertson never stated that the earthquake was God’s wrath."

First off, note that they admit that the pact is only alleged but then note that it is famous [so it must be true!]. But also note that Robertson used the words "true story" in his initial comments. He allowed no possibility that this story might be one INVENTED by the recordkeepers of the time.

But what really gets me is the disclaimer in the last line. I'm sorry, but if you believe that the people of Haiti are cursed, who else but God would have cursed them? It certainly wouldn't be the devil, since in this little fantasy they are his partners! So who else but God would (or could) have caused the earthquake?

But then again, why am I expecting logic here of all places? *bangs head against wall*

Here is Keith's scathing response to both Robertson's comments and Rush Limbaugh's latest racist crap:


To donate to the victims of this terrible NATURAL disaster, please text "HAITI" without quotes to 90999 (Red Cross, $10 added to your phone bill, 100% goes to charity) or 20222 (Clinton's charity, $5), or text "YELE" to 501501 ($5 to Wyclef Jean's org). I believe these numbers work in the US only.

...

This is a dummy line that is apparently required to get the comments link to show up.

Diversity in the unschooling community

I am having trouble getting the below comment (novella?) to post where it is supposed to be, so I am putting it here for safekeeping. I wrote it in response to Eli Gerzon's post Welcoming Diversity at Unschooling Conferences. My comment is supposed to be in the context of Eli's post, and I'm a little worried that taken alone it will seem a dismissal of the possibility of discrimination in the community. That is not my intent at all. Please also read Eli's post linked above and the other comments there.

Good topic! The issue of discrimination and/or elitism in the community comes up periodically on various message boards. What's interesting is that the people who feel excluded are a diverse group. I am in no way denying the existence of racism--people who suggest that our society is now colorblind are just, well, wrong, and either naive or downright stupid--but it seems there are always people who feel excluded at conferences, regardless of the color of their skin.

From what I can intuit, some of this has to do with their encounters with groups of people who (1) seem to already know each other, and (2) seem to be closed to newcomers. I firmly believe that the reality is not what it appears: those apparently close friendships might have been formed yesterday, and the people in them might actually be (probably are) completely open to forming more and more and more friendships.

Another part seems to be the expectation that one carries into the conference. Some people go in expecting to find high school-like cliques, so that's what they find. I suggest going into the conference expecting to find people who are *thrilled* to meet you. You will!

Also, remember that most people have their own little pockets of shyness or distraction. That woman who didn't smile back at you might be tracking down her kids for dinner, she might have a bad headache, or she might be in an overstimulation daze. The one who seems reluctant to talk to you might simply be intimidated by your awesomeness--and that is not a joke! One year at LIFE is Good I hesitated to talk to a woman because she had rockin' pink hair and seemed too cool for me. "I'm too boring for her," said the nasty little voice in my head, and I listened to it! It wasn't until months later that we became friends, and I realized what I had projected onto this perfectly nice, accepting, open lady.

As for race... Sometimes (maybe not in either of your examples) it's not discrimination but white guilt! I am sometimes so conscious of what minority groups have suffered that I am a bumbling idiot for the first few minutes after meeting a person of color. That I was not directly involved in the injustices doesn't seem to matter; my tongue is crippled anyway. And if those first few minutes are the *only* minutes of our acquaintance... Oy.

So, what's my point? I don't know. LOL. I guess it's just that understanding and awareness and reaching out might need to go both ways.

For LIFE is Good, Mary Gold has taken some distinct steps to try to make sure everyone feels welcomed and included. She and Colleen Paeff have set up a buddy program for newbies, and we're going to have some roving "ambassadors," people who are easily identifiable as folks to talk to if you're feeling alone. (There has been talk of neon-lighted bras, but I'm thinking crazy hats or something instead.) I think things like this can help a lot, with awareness and friendliness and patience taking us the rest of the way.

Robotics in Portland

Team 1432 is a robotics team that some of Frank's (many) cousins are involved with. They meet at the old auto shop at Franklin High weekdays after school hours and well into the evening, and on Sundays from 8 to 4. Please forward to any who might be interested.

Cousin Becky says:
"Alan and the boys mentor a robotics team (FRC team 1432). We are the only team in Portland that is open to anyone no matter who they are or where they live, or for that matter what their educational abilities or family situation is. We have had kids from off the street join the team and kids who just came because it was a safe place to be for a few hours. The point is we have something to offer everybody and we'd like to make sure people know we are here. Specifically we want to let homeschoolers know that they are welcome to join and be part of this. FIRST is offering $12 million in scholarships this year to students who have participated in the program. We don't charge any money to join and the kids get a chance to work with real engineers, design and build a robot and then they get to compete with 6,000 other teenagers and their robots."

Team Web site
Team Facebook page