Money, money, money, mon-ey

This started out as a comment on an unschooling forum. I think it works as a standalone post too, and it's LONG, so I'm saving it.

Our kids are 19 and 20. The older one doesn't live at home right now but soon will again. We support both of them financially. Come September, they will both be in college, which we are paying for right now but which will eventually need to become a group effort. They each get a weekly no-strings allowance, which they don't have to do chores to earn and which they spend on whatever they want.

That's our situation.

Our philosophy is one of cooperation and sharing, with a healthy dose of ignoring society's arbitrary, different-from-country-to-country rules about the ages by which kids **should** be doing certain things like driving cars, paying their own way, moving out, and so on. Society doesn't get to decide those things, we do.

The ways this philosophy has paid off are many, and somewhat immeasurable.

Where to start? The biggest benefit has turned out to be that they get a modicum of relief from the pressure they are under -- that ALL kids are under, no matter what their parents say and do -- to become independent adults. Our kids talk to us, so I can see that this pressure is staggering and probably worse than any "gotta earn a living" pressure they will feel later in life. ANYTHING I can do to ease that pressure and give them a little breathing room to "figure this shit out" is a good thing. We reassure them repeatedly that there is no hurry. They don't cost more now than they did at 13 or 15 or last year. We know we can afford this lifestyle, just as it is, which means we can joyfully continue to be a safe haven for them as long as it takes them to find their paths.

Do I think I will still have kids living with me five years from now? Judging by their personalities and by what their older unschooling friends have done, the answer is, sadly, no. I'm on Empty Nest Watch whether I like it or not.

The other benefits are more, well, ordinary, and the reasons we went with the no-strings allowance to begin with. They got to practice budgeting and math and learn what it feels like to have money on payday and be broke by the end of the pay period. And Frank and I got to stop always being the bad-guy money decisionmakers. "Can I have this?" they still ask, and all we have to say is, "It's your money."

If you want a little friendly feedback, your setup [kids do chores to earn allowance, with commentary about kids beginning to pay their own way at 16] sounds pretty stressful and somewhat adversarial! All that keeping track. All that wondering about where YOU should draw the line. Don't draw any lines. Figure out what the allowance is, hand it over with a smile, and then sit back and watch *them* figure out where the lines are and how to make the most of what they have. I bet they'll surprise you. (I should tell you sometime about the $5 megaton of candy the girls bought.)

When they make mistakes -- and they will, we all do -- I make purchasing mistakes all the freaking time *g* -- don't say, "See! I told you this wouldn't work!" Instead, recognize that it HAS worked. Mistakes lead to learning. If they buy too many potions and lose them [on a gaming site where cyber items are purchased for real money], they will learn how yucky it feels to get nothing for their money.

I have lots more to say but this is a novel already. Here are a couple of relevant posts from my blog:

http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/2010/06/stuff-and-money-and-space.html

http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/2010/05/date-with-reality.html

Stuff and money and space

Most of us have an innate desire for stuff that starts at the exact moment we become aware of stuff. My babies, as many babies do, started reaching for stuff at four months. We saw this early desire for stuff as natural and healthy, and we happily put stuff where the baby could reach it and took great delight in each fumbling grab. Most parents are the same.

It is only as our kids get a little older, as the stuff that they desire extends beyond the teething rings and cloth books that we joyfully provided, that their desire for stuff becomes problematic. Then, their desire is suddenly attached to money and space. As experienced acquirers of stuff, we parents see very clearly the money-and-space pitfalls of the bottomless pit that our kids' desires seem to encompass.

We know something they don't know.

That is such a tricky spot to be in! Indeed, it is the crux of most conflicts between parent and child. They want X, and we know that X will lead to undesirable consequences 1, 2, and 3. We know, for crying out loud! We know! Are we supposed to just stand by and let them blunder their way into those consequences?! Are we supposed to just stand by and allow them to drag us into those consequences with them?!

Yep.

We can certainly offer our perspective. We can share our experience. We can warn. But as unschoolers, as thinking parents, as people who believe that kids are people, we simply don't get to pull out the "I'm the parent and I know best" card.

I know what you're thinking: Why didn't I take the blue pill? Heh. Too late now, sorry!

When it comes to the acquisition of stuff, standing by while your kids choose means two things:

One: Your kids will make purchases that you do not agree with.

Two: You will have to live with that.

Both of these are easier to navigate with a stuff-and-money-and-space system in place. The system needs to reflect your lifestyle and income, and it needs to evolve as the kids get older and as other cirumstances change.

Here's our system:

Stuff - The kids choose. Period.

When they were young, I used to do a lot of coaching about choices. "If you buy that, you won't be able to buy this." This coaching may or may not have been helpful for a while, but they both quickly reached the point where it was bugging the hell out of them. "You take all the fun out of it!" they told me. Oops.

Money - We give our kids a weekly no-strings allowance.

The amount has varied over the years, and there have been lean stretches where we were all going without spending money. Right now, they're getting $15 per week.

When they were little, this allowance was a lifesaver. It completely removed me from the "Can I have this? Can I have that?" mom-as-bad-guy cycle.

Now that they're teenagers... Guess what? $15 per week is not really enough money. They have things they want to buy and experiences they want to have that will take more. Frank and I will help as much as we can, but my kids know that they will have to work to earn the more. They are making plans accordingly.

I want to be crystal clear on this: I have said "Yes" to my kids for years. I have "indulged" them in virtually everything. I have simply handed over as much money as we could afford every week for longer than we've been unschooling. I have made it clear to them that we will continue to support them beyond age 18 if they want us to. And even so, my kids are developing financial independence even as we speak. There's been a really interesting shift in the way they manage money over the last year or two that is worth its own blog post.

For now, I'll just say that people who think kids won't learn the value of money unless there are chores-strings on their allowances are just wrong.

Benefits of the no-strings allowance:
* Practice
* Built-in math
* Independence
* Experience

It's gold. And it doesn't have to cost you any more than you already spend.

Space - Where do we put everything?

There are a couple of myths about space. It helps if you reject these.

• Myth #1: More space or better organization would make everything easier. We have a three-bedroom, two-and-a-half story house with a lot of storage space. We've acquired a lot of storage containers over the years. Frank has built several bookcases. Stuff can still be an issue. No matter how much room you have, it tends to fill up, and you will periodically need to make adjustments. Over the years, we've rearranged rooms, swapped rooms, and tried a bunch of different stuff-management schemes. It's ongoing.
• Myth #2: Kids' stuff should fit into their bedrooms. This belief is a relic of traditional parenting. Toss it out! If each member of the family gets equal space in the house, who is really taking up more than his or her share? It's usually not the kids.
• Myth #3: If you had less stuff, the house would be tidier. We're unschoolers. We live here. We're home a lot. You can tell.
• Myth #4: Your kids will share your values about stuff and money. MJ spends a good portion of her money on clothes. Chloe has a sizable savings account. I cannot say either of those things about myself. Our values—and the stuff we value—are different. Simplicity and frugality may not ever describe your child. That's okay. Love the kid you have. Accept the kid you have.
• Myth #5: It's going to be like this forever. Once upon a time, we probably had 250 cubic feet of Barbie stuff in our house. I kid you not. Now? Barbie occupies less than one cubic foot. Every single Barbie item that has left our house has done so not only with my daughters' permission but with their blessing. We have made several other little girls very happy over the last several years.
  
  I am so glad to be able to say those things, so glad that we embraced (or at least tolerated) and made room for the Barbie collection until they were done with it.
  
  And there's a pang, too. Did I appreciate my little Barbie-playing girls enough while they were here? I don't think I did. I don't think I really knew how fleeting those moments were going to be.
  
  Whatever stuff your child is acquiring now, she will eventually be done with it. Probably. But even if she's never done with it, storing it will eventually be her problem. :-)

I like our system, but it is just one approach. As with everything else in the entire freaking world, the What To Do is less important than the How To Do. Handle your child's stuff or money or space choices as you would handle his choices about TV or reading or racing the wind: with joy, with "Yes," and with an underlying belief that his choices are valid and valuable.

A date with reality

Kids in the U.S. are considered old enough to sign over their lives (literally) to the military at age 18. Kids in this same country cannot buy a beer until they are 21.

In Washington state, kids have long been forced to attend school until age 16. A few years ago, the Powers That Be decided 18 was better.

By convention, kids in the U.S. go off to college at 18. In other places, they start a bit earlier than that. Or later. And everywhere, exceptions are routinely made. Many of the most traditionally successful adults I know obtained their degrees sometime in their 30s, if at all.

And yet we, as a society, have firm expectations about what our kids SHOULD be doing at certain times in their lives. At certain ages. We hear about someone who is "still" living at home at ___insert your personal cutoff age here___, and we are disapproving. We judge the parents and their adult child and perhaps even their entire lives together and find them lacking.

And then there's the reverse issue. How often do you hear someone tell you that a kid is "too young" to do whatever it is they are doing? Uh huh. Says who? If the kid feels ready for something, if the obstacles and issues and practicalities have been addressed, what exactly makes a kid too young?

I am writing today to let everyone know—most especially my kids—that I have rejected all of the traditional arbitrary age limits and am adopting new ones. I've provided a few examples that are especially relevant to my family right now. You are welcome to use these if you like the sound of them. If we can't conquer the "shoulds," let's make some of our own!

Age at which kids should choose their own home and lifestyle: 16
Age at which kids should start college: 28 (if at all)
Age at which kids should be financially independent: 32

There. Now we can get on with our glorious, unfettered lives. We'll revisit this discussion on March 11, 2026.