Kids in the U.S. are considered old enough to sign over their lives (literally) to the military at age 18. Kids in this same country cannot buy a beer until they are 21.
In Washington state, kids have long been forced to attend school until age 16. A few years ago, the Powers That Be decided 18 was better.
By convention, kids in the U.S. go off to college at 18. In other places, they start a bit earlier than that. Or later. And everywhere, exceptions are routinely made. Many of the most traditionally successful adults I know obtained their degrees sometime in their 30s, if at all.
And yet we, as a society, have firm expectations about what our kids SHOULD be doing at certain times in their lives. At certain ages. We hear about someone who is "still" living at home at ___insert your personal cutoff age here___, and we are disapproving. We judge the parents and their adult child and perhaps even their entire lives together and find them lacking.
And then there's the reverse issue. How often do you hear someone tell you that a kid is "too young" to do whatever it is they are doing? Uh huh. Says who? If the kid feels ready for something, if the obstacles and issues and practicalities have been addressed, what exactly makes a kid too young?
I am writing today to let everyone know—most especially my kids—that I have rejected all of the traditional arbitrary age limits and am adopting new ones. I've provided a few examples that are especially relevant to my family right now. You are welcome to use these if you like the sound of them. If we can't conquer the "shoulds," let's make some of our own!
Age at which kids should choose their own home and lifestyle: 16
Age at which kids should start college: 28 (if at all)
Age at which kids should be financially independent: 32
There. Now we can get on with our glorious, unfettered lives. We'll revisit this discussion on March 11, 2026.
Traveling, sleeping
2 hours ago
13 comments:
In the context of "too young," I was saddened to see so many unschoolers lamenting Jessica Watson's solo-sail-round-the-world effort. Guess it's just really difficult to let go of embedded societal expectations.
More evidence of societal expectations: Participation in WA's 509 program (GET) requires the recipient to use his or her prepaid college tuition within 10 years.
I just did a Google search on "soldiers underage drinking." It's quite comical to read all the twisted logic and justifications given for why a young soldier should or shouldn't be allowed to drink. I'm curious how often the army allows drinking, or turns a blind eye to it. Probably all the time.
As far as age limits in general go, unschoolers know that strict rules and regulations never help anyone grow up. They only slow the process.
We have a little "hunting cabin" on our property that we had been renting out to some trasient hippies until about a year ago. When they moved out we offered the cabin to Ray (cooincidentally close to his 16th b-day) no strings attached. It was wonderful to have something like that to offer - one of the times I feel "rich" instead of just-scraping-by. In many ways he really did "move out" in the sense that he's much more independent all of a sudden - but that might have happened anyway - and yet he still comes "home" to eat and shower and socialize from time to time. His world just got a whole lot bigger - and his in a position to decide, on a day to day basis - just how much bigger he wants it to be.
Oh Ronnie, I'm with you in spirit but I lost you on the 32 for financial independence. I'm actually enthusiastic about the girls continuing to live with us, but by dogz if they are capable enough to make decisions for themselves, one of those decisions can be to pay the flipping mortgage. I agree that there isn't a Right Age (tm), but there is a point where responsibility is shared between ourselves and our mature, responsible and capable offspring.
I know--really, KNOW--that my kids won't be mooching off me at 32 (barring life catastrophes). But I don't know if they'll be ready for a mortgage by then. If we are in a position to help--perhaps in a communal living situation--we will. That's all I meant.
And if we keep talking about it and walking the talk, perceptions will change. I was one of those once: "Look at that FOUR year old with a pacifier!" with obvious dislike on my face. Yet, here I am today, living with and supporting my 5 1/2 year old's desire to continue having a pacifier. Funny how life is, isn't it? It makes me smile every day. :~)
I just left a monstrous comment... and it disappeared. Booo!!! I'll do my best to recreate it.
John Mccardle, former president of Middlebury College (where TJ used to work) is heading a campaign to get the drinking age lowered in Vermont. If this happens, it will be AMAZING. As Vermont has high, high regulations for just about everything.
The ONLY reason the states have a law on 21 being hte magical drinking age is because of the federal government. It is a state issue and any state can lower it if they want to. HOWEVER, the federal government has threatened a 10% decrease in highway transportation funds if it is not enforced. It's like showing a starving man a piece of bread and telling him he can't have it. Since the states have been getting that "bread" all along, they think they need it to continue.
So their you have it, the feds fucking with the states, again. Awesome. Anyway, if you have time google it, it seems to be making headway and slowly becoming less of a party issue. Which is hard to decipher anyway since the democrats have a rather large majority in Vermont.
And things change. Going to college is not the same calculation it was 20 years ago. Working for the same company until you retire - does that ever happen anymore? Zoe went to live in New York when she was just shy of 18, but when she's ready to leave there, my guess is she's coming back home to live for a while. Hurrah! I'll soak up some more great time with her till she's ready to do something else. As far as I'm concerned, my kids can leave and come back, and leave and come back - or not - for the whole of their lives.
Be careful when you simply replace socioty's should with your should. I know you are careful, I just wanted to clarify. I deffinanly think that many people would bennifit from spending a year or two living before they go off to college, get their wiggles out, so to speak. Spend more time discerning.
There has been a lot of cruelty and abandonment of young adults by their families in this culture. Not in all cultures, so it's not something "natural" or necessary.
In part it might be based in traditional ages for knighthood--18 in France, 21 in England. So for families with money, property, titles, those ages were significant. For serfs and tradesmen, the kids were pretty much doing what the parents were doing anyway, from a younger age.
The addition of ever-lengthening compulsory education solidified those ages in the minds of many, as though something happens on those birthdays.
I'm with Ronnie on rejecting the commonly accepted pressures and ages. There IS pressure, and parents need to be strong enough to stand up to neighbors, relatives, and strangers who will tell them "Well he's 19, the *should* be..." or "Don't be a doormat" or the many other casual insults bandied about as though we were all still on the playground with "I know you are, but what am I?" as a fallback script.
My husband graduated from college at 29 and started buying his own house (where we are now) at 40 or so, and that's not a problem. His parents helped him by selling him their old house with small payments. That didn't hurt them and it didn't hurt their grandchildren one bit!
Compassion and kindness shouldn't stop when a child is 18. Unfortunately, in some families they stopped a dozen years or more before 18...
(unclear, unclear... the house Keith lived in until he was 40 was his parents' old house, which he had eventually bought from them)
I have always found it odd that they can drive a heavy metal vehicle at high speeds at 16, enter into legal contracts at 18, and be trained to kill people at 18, but wait! No beer until 21! Bizarre
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