I started to write this post as if it's definitively about unschooling, but "unschooling" means different things to different people. Even "radical unschooling"—which refers to the freedom-of-choice parenting that goes along with unschooling for many of us—means different things to different people. I've gotten into trouble (conflicts) in the past when I insisted on a rigid definition of either term. While I continue to be puzzled about why someone would insist on claiming a label that does not really apply to them, I can occasionally, momentarily, acknowledge that some people are simply operating under different definitions than I am.
So let's leave labels out of it and talk instead about values.
We all have 'em. Some values we hold passionately and can defend at great length. Others we inherited from our society or from our parents and live by without giving them much thought. Some of my personal values are represented by some of the labels I accept for myself (liberal, atheist, omnivore, wife, mom, employee—just to name a few), and some of them, as noted above, resist accurate labeling.
One of the biggies in that last category is this:
I value my children's freedom to determine their own values.
I have been called on the carpet over the conspicuous consumption illustrated by my I'm that mom post. In the comments on my follow-up to that post, I responded some to the specifics of that example. I could respond more (and maybe I'm about to) about the factors that led us to decide that trip was okay—that it was MJ's big move-out trip and she was very excited, that the second trip to Oregon wasn't set in stone, that the additional consumption I might really have added to our life was Chloe's return trip home on a train that would have made the trip anyway—and I could talk about what solutions I think might really have a chance of stopping our species' headlong race to self-destruction.
But the thing is, even if I believed we should all reduce our consumption (and I do, even as I doubt it will do much good), and even if the trip decision were exactly as cut-and-dried as I implied in my "I'm that mom" post, I would have made the same decision.
MJ and Chloe know the environmental concerns. They know the time-and-money concerns. And they still enthusiastically chose as they did. And knowing all that, if I had said, "No, we're not doing this because it's not the most environmentally conscious choice," I would be IMPOSING my values on them. If I am the ultimate arbiter of what is an acceptable level of consumption, then in my opinion it's not unschooling and it is a complete violation of one of my most deeply held values.
Living by this value means that I, an omnivore, have had a vegetarian daughter. It means that I, an unschooler, have had a daughter in school—twice! It means that I, an atheist, have a Wiccan daughter. It means that my daughters make purchases that I wish they wouldn't, get piercings (and eventually tattoos) that I wish they wouldn't, spend their time engaged in a few activities that I wish they wouldn't, go off for weeks or months at a time when I wish they'd stay home, move out earlier than I wish they would, and just generally make life choices that I would not necessarily be making for them if I were in charge.
This is something that ALL parents face. Do you really think my mom expected to raise a tattooed atheist unschooler?! Hardly! (Although I think she's mostly okay with it.)
The difference is that I have simply and deliberately chosen to allow my values and my kids' values to diverge before they are adults. Part of my value system is a belief that one doesn't have to be 18 or older to recognize one's own values. And part of what went into my value system is the knowledge that kids who have values imposed on them often end up going in the exact opposite direction. By valuing the things I value and letting them make their own value judgments, even as children and especially as teens, I believe I have provided them with the information that I used to come around to my values without creating an adversarial or guilt-laden environment that might have driven them away from them. For me, that trumps everything else.
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16 comments:
Ronnie, I wrote a similar post in my head early this morning, but with a different slant! So happy to see this post. I've tried to get my post from my head to words, and frustratingly, the words aren't coming. I am trusting they will when the time is right. The writing - and thinking, and discussion - that's come about as a result of the "I'm THAT Mom" posts is SO clarifying, so good, and I know it will help unschoolers for years to come. I appreciate it.
My mom raised a tattooed atheist unschooler, too and that description of both you and me just makes me giggle :-). Really love this post, Ronnie.
I remember how my mother shut Ren down, constantly! All of her interests were so far outside my mother's religious values that she just wouldn't allow Ren to do 99% of the things that she wanted. The interesting thing is that Ren is NOW doing ALL of those things! Even if we tried to impose our values on our children it wouldn't necessarily work. I want my kids to be authentic to themselves. I love watching them live and make choices that our different than my own because it gives me so much pleasure to watch them be authentic. I constantly have to ask myself "Am I being authentic in this moment or situation?" because I was so shut down as a child. They were never born into this world to be molded into what I thought was right for them. Thank you for a wonderful blog post.
Ronnie, I so appreciate this post and what you've written here. Glad you took the time to put this into words.
I was writing a similar post in my head this afternoon, too (Caren and Ronnie). My slant was this: I care about our planet and it's future and try to do my part, often more than most. But here's the thing: as much as I want our planet to be healthy and strong, the health and strength of my relationship with my kids, right here, right now is more important than some distant unknowable planetary calamity that we may not even be here to experience.
Caren and Flo - I would like to see those posts!
Gail - YES! It just makes me laugh. What a wild ride life is!
Heidi - I can't imagine Ren or you as anything but the unique, powerful women you are. So glad you didn't stay shut down, and that it seems like you both came to a better understanding with your mom.
Rebecca - Me, too, thanks! I'm feeling much more settled now.
Hi Ronnie. I had a discussion with Jeff Sabo about a similar post that he made a few months ago. I agree with your post in practice (and I think only the world of MJ & Chloe), but I disagree with the presentation. Specifically, I feel that declaring "imposing of values" to be unconditionally bad is a false argument and can lead non-unschoolers to overgeneralize about what flesh-and-blood unschoolers actually let their kids do.
Here's my reductio ad absurdum: Would you let your daughters sell cocaine out of your garage? Or how about self-mutilate? At some point you WOULD step in and impose your parental values--values that say "in this instance, I know what's better for you," i.e. not getting arrested or permanently scarring yourself.
I argue that unschooling parents tend to do a very good job of instilling positive values non-coercively, and doing that early. But imposing no values whatsoever? I don't think it's possible or desirable.
I try to support teens in their quest for self-discovery with non-coercive techniques such as reflective listening, personal statements, and open-ended questions. I try to learn as much about their personal drives, quirks, and motives as possible, and I always try to model the behavior that I seek to draw out of them. But at some point, my values are going to come out, in the form of opinions, requests, or (sometimes) reprimands. And I don't think that's an unconditionally bad thing.
Hi Blake - I believe I understand the argument you're making, and this may come down to a semantic issue over the use of the word "impose." Have we instilled values in our girls? Probably. Simplistic example: we're nice people, we surround ourselves with nice people, and we thereby instilled in our girls the "being nice is good" value.
But to me, that's not the same as imposing that value. Merriam-Webster tells me "impose" means "to establish or apply by authority." That is exactly what we don't want to do, and don't believe we can do.
For every person there comes a point when they are going to do what they're going to do regardless of what Mom and Dad want. This starts in the toddler years! By now... If one of my kids wants to deal cocaine, my making the garage off limits is not going to stop her. And if one of my kids wants to cut herself, from what I understand of that there's not much that can stop her until she is ready to stop. Which may be never.
In either of those cases, would I talk to my kids? Of course. Would I express concerns? Of course. Would I offer every imaginable resource to help them find a different path? You bet your ass. But I believe--no, I know, because I know a lot of people who were or are traditionally parented--that no amount of restriction, yelling, putting my foot down, or withholding of privileges will make any appreciable or lasting difference unless the kid in question is already prepared to quit doing whatever it is.
I see a lot parents that don't want to admit that they really have no control over their teenagers. I have not only faced that but embraced it and come to enjoy it. And just maybe that's made a difference that puts the absurdum in those examples of yours.
Ronnie,
We certainly see eye-to-eye on practices and, well, values. I agree that it's a semantics thing. And I agree that realizing, as a parent, that you have no real control over your teen (despite what the law says) is critical.
Perhaps it's the semantics of "authority" that gets me. I was taught that there are two types of authority:
(1) Authority derived from knowledge, experience, expertise or training
(2) Authority derived from the power to reward or punish in order to enforce obedience
Authority #1 seems to be the valid, "instilling" version...#2 the nefarious, relationship-destroying version.
Yep, and yep. I came to the realization, and this seemed to happened with Alec because he was my oldest, that he was going to be Alec..no matter what I did: attempts at control, punishments, or disapproving comments and gestures.. he was still going to be Alec. I decided to be my kids partner and nourish their development instead of getting in the way and slowing it or even possibly stunting it.
Great post Ronnie :)
As unschoolers, I think what we value most is that everyone in the family maintain an intact and healthy sense of self. So if my child were dealing cocaine or cutting herself, I would not come down on her with reprimands, or force her to stop. I would recognize such behaviors as symptoms of something wrong, and I would approach her with curiosity and hope that she would be open to talking honestly about what's going on. If not, that may be just as much my fault as hers. (See Bonnie's post about values: http://hypnosaka.blogspot.com/2010/07/how-religion-almost-ruined-it.html.)
As far as authority, I see the two kinds this way:
(1) Unchosen—that which is forced on people in order to control them;
(2) Chosen—that which is freely accepted because you actually like, admire, and want to emulate a person.
The first is not real authority. People who use it know it, and that's why they feel the need to enforce it.
I want my children to know the second kind. I want them to experience the right to choose whom to respect. That includes me, Scott, their grandparents, teachers, or anyone else. Choice is possible only when no force is involved.
@Cheryl:
I agree that authentic authority is always chosen--never forced. But if your child was dealing cocaine out of your garage, would you really not force her stop? You wouldn't say, "you cannot deal cocaine in our garage," and THEN spend time openly discussing the deeper reasons that led her to this path? (I recognize, of course, that this a total thought experiment way out of left field.)
Perhaps the broader question is: Are there NO cases where a parent can validly intervene (with arbitrary parental authority) for the long-term best interest of the child?
Semantics again. I intervene all the time, in the sense that, well, we never stop talking to each other. I ask questions. I offer opinions. Very rarely, I might refuse to participate in some activity or decision (knowing full well they'll find a way to proceed without my assistance). That's me, living by my principles and values.
Would I put a stop to their dealing cocaine out of the garage? Yes. But *all* I would have authority to change would be the location.
Let's take an example that is more likely to occur in the unschooling community. Suppose I were the vegetarian, and suppose I could not bring myself to buy, prepare, or even look at the meat that my daughter wanted to eat. Could I make it harder for her to eat meat? Sure. Could I stop her from eating meat? No. Could I stop her from wanting to eat meat? Not even close.
I suspect, knowing you, that you don't know what it's like to go up against the will of a child. When mine were small, I was trying to be in charge. I was big and loud and scary, and they knew not to mess with me. But I knew, every minute of every day, that I wasn't winning. It was damned scary, because I thought I was supposed to win, so for a while I tried harder to *be* the authority. And life was a constant struggle for power.
I think you might be imagining that I have the ability to control them, that I have authority over them, but I'm holding back. What I'm trying to tell you is that I don't and I'm not. This is not because I've relinquished those things but because I never had them, not even when was a controlling parent.
Ronnie:
I'm getting it. Good discussion.
Blake
This is ever so timely for me. I just began unschooling this year. My daughters are 5 and 6 and they feel compelled to hit each other a lot. I don't want them to hit each other for all sorts of obvious reasons, values included. I am aware I cannot control them, cannot make them not hit each other or want to hit each other but what is a mother to do? I talk about it with them. I reflect on the impact I see it having on each of them. Sometimes I put my body between them. But basically I feel helpless and impotent and like I just do not have any effective tools in my tool bag. So without imposing my values of non-violence and without coercion or punishment is verbal intervention really all I've got because I have to say I am weary and I'm not sure I'm being effective. Any input is gratefully welcomed.
Hi Kirstin,
First off - Remember: The scuffling between siblings, and especially between such young siblings, is perfectly normal. Interpersonal relationships are tricky, and little kids are only just starting to fill their toolboxes. Even a pattern of daily fighting does not carry *any* message about their values now or in the future. It also probably doesn't "bode" for their future relationship much at all.
Try to take each conflict as an individual case (even if there's a pattern). As I recall, one of the hardest things for me to deal with was the feeling that it was unrelenting conflict. But of course it wasn't. They were fine friends, and very chummy playmates, who sometimes fought.
So, my first bit of advice is to try to treat every minute as a clean slate. Each conflict does not carry the entire burden of **fixing their relationship** or **teaching them how to handle conflict**. Each conflict is just a little tiger-cub squabble between two kids who spend all day every day in each other's pockets.
Try to detect rising tensions early. (If you're not sensitive to this, maybe spend a few days paying attention to the tiny changes in their facial expressions, especially those of your more volative child.) I've blogged twice about defusing tension. One is here and the other is linked at the bottom of that post.
When they fight, consider leaving the room. If you do, don't do it in an angry or I'm-so-tired way -- maybe start humming a little song and go into the next room. My kids' fights were always more intense if I was drawn into them or even present.
If you have one who seems the aggressor, well, doubt that perception. The "little one" (figuratively or literally) is probably quite skilled at pushing the other one's buttons.
Do you and Jens get one-on-one time with each of them regularly? That can make surprising differences in family dynamics. I recommend doing this at least once per week.
I hope something in there helps. Try the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" for more ideas.
Oh - and remember - this too shall pass. In fact, don't blink or you'll miss it! :-)
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