There is a lot of chatter in the parenting world about kids' formative years. This term can mean anything from infancy to adolescence, but the implication is always the same: that there is a time period during which kids are formed into the people they will be (presumably forever).I certainly don't dispute the importance of treating children well and raising them in a loving environment. But I really want to challenge this idea that people are ever finished "forming." Looking back over my life so far, I see a lot of formative years, and there are a few in my adult life that were at least as formative as the highest impact years of my youth. (2009 was a case in point! Whew! What a year!)
The accompanying ideas—that kids are merely "forming into" adults, and that they are especially "formable" during certain years—are equally bad. They are booby traps for the unwary, and they can lead us to some thoughts about our kids that are really pretty nasty.
How about this one: "Oh, he'll grow out of it." This usually refers, interestingly enough, to a child's deepest emotional needs or his strongest signals that something needs to change. It's something we say or think (or maybe just hope) when our child's wants or behaviors are inconvenient to us. When accompanied by loving patience and responsiveness to our child's needs, this thought is not the end of the world. But even at its least dismissive, it still carries with it an expectation of—even an insistence on—change. I think it's really hard to hide our expectations from our kids. They always know.
And what happens if he doesn't grow out of it, whatever it is? What do our thwarted expectations lead to? "He's a hopeless case" perhaps, or similar sentiments? Ouch! These are cultural weapons we use to beat up the square pegs among us, the angry ones, the sad ones, the bloody but unbowed ones. They are not like us, therefore they're a lost cause.
I don't believe in half-formed children, and I don't believe in lost causes. There's no such thing. There are only people—learning, thinking, evolving people—for whom every year is a formative year.
~ Richard Bach
12 comments:
My 50s were very formative. This past year, between 61 and 62 has been pretty formative, too, and I'll jsut betcha that next year... Well, teh completion of this thought is left as an exercise for the reader.
Oooooooh, my verification word is "hoker." Ok, they can't spell but they apparently know how to have a good time. Where do we get the blow? Yes, and I won't forget about the mule(s).
I don't find the expression "he'll grow out of it" particularly troubling. The tone probably means a great deal and subscribing to the underlying assumptions. But as an expression, particularly when written, I find it can be helpful to me. When I'm struggling as a parent with some aspect of my 3 year old's behavior it is indeed a reminder that change is inevitable and it helps me to be mindful of every moment, both good and bad.
And as for formative years, I'm loving my formative years as a parent. Talk about growth!
Thystle - Yes, tone and context can make all the difference, and I do understand the hope and comfort the thought can bring during a difficult moment or phase.
But my question stands: What if he doesn't? What if whatever it is—a tendency toward temper, or a sensitivity to sounds and smells, or an intense need to stay close to mom or dad or the house, or an attachment to thumbsucking, or a negative outlook on life, or extreme talkativeness, or whatever—what if one of those things does not change, and you have spent years expecting it to change and revealing, however inadvertently, to your child that you expect it to change.
At that point, you would face not only the whatever-it-is, here now in your face as a lasting reality, but you would have ground to make up in assuring your kid that He Is Okay Anyway.
I'd rather (try to) treat my kids as if they are whole and complete *now*, and strive to accommodate the reality of now as if it's a workable reality. Because of course it is.
"...change is inevitable and it helps me to be mindful of every moment, both good and bad."
Yes. This too shall pass. And that's the tricky part: letting our knowledge that change is coming guide us to treat each moment as a fleeting gift, while still completely honoring what is in this moment.
Yes, yes, yes -- to me your post and comment to Thystle speaks to the feeling I used to get when someone, commenting on the behavior or accomplishments of one of my kids, used to say, "You're doing a great job!" It made me squirm. These aren't people we are "making", molding, creating -- chiseling off a sharp edge here, adding bit of some trait WE desire there. They are Whole already! Unique already! We don't have to form and shape them, but we can trust that they are learning and growing in ways that are right for them. We all are learning and growing and finding our way. You said this so well, Ronnie -- really satisfying for me to read this morning!
Fantastic insights Ronnie - not just the post, but your response to Thystle, too (would love to see that on your big blog page).
I'll chew on this today as I realize that I've been subconsciously housing some "grow out of it" thoughts... too easy to slip into that thinking.
Otters of the Universe would make a great t-shirt. ;)
I have so much swirling...but you would know that Ronnie. THANK YOU for this post. It made me cry. I love that without even knowing it (maybe you do), that you are a beacon in my Sorscha's life. You are her champion - her hero.
And Ronnie, you are MY shining star because I no longer have the words or choose to say them…but you write them so eloquently and passionately for me. You are my champion & hero also. I love you.
The problem is Karl is already older every minute and if whatever it is continues that bugs me (like that singing that used to drive me batty... he's humming a wandering creation right now) then I want to NOT wait until he's over it as much as I might continue to be (who said *I* couldn't change? -- I now treasure that humming and the other song).
Getting over it ... that's a 2-way street.
Yes, it's still a bit incoherent but I"m just gonna post this without editing it anymore. We're SUPPOSED to make mistakes.
A quote from your own blog, Ronnie:
"We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that
he is someone today."
— Stacia Taus
Longish for a t-shirt but I'd wear it! :)
Oh I thought of something else too.
People might come to the point of thinking it's a 2-way street and then say that applies to the parent NOT changing too.
True it does. But if a parent doesn't see at least some opportunity for finding ways to get over (or more accurately go through the baggage representing) things they don't like, then that can make parenting sort of though it didn't phase you and it wasn't life-changing.. it was just something you went through. Kinda like going through to rearrange drawers of stuff without joy --only your same old resentments hiding invisibly where maybe they always have?
Going through old regretful stuff isn't fun at first but after a while I got more interested in doing that and now it seems that there's a lot more than I thought. I'm still going. :)
There really ARE things I've decided to hang onto for now but I've put aside lots of things and now they serve as hints of progress when I think of them.
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