Disclaimer: I react very strongly to the anger of others and therefore often have trouble responding calmly. It should be noted then that the following process represents an ideal to reach for rather than a claim that I have any special ability to reach it.
Step 1: Stop the insanity. Or kick it up a notch. If physical violence is occurring, stop it. Be quiet and act. Intervention might mean stepping between two combatants, moving one kid away, or doing something so startling that the kids stop fighting to look at you. A sudden chicken dance might work.
Step 2: Reflect. "Whoa, you are really angry." This is SO important with small kids, I can't even begin to tell you. They are often so overwhelmed by their emotions that they don't have any words for them. Plus, you show quite clearly that you SEE them.
Step 3: Deflect. "Here, hit this pillow instead of your brother." A kid who is hitting needs an outlet, badly. To expect an angry kid to stop and stifle the way adults do is crazy, not to mention psychologically contraindicated.
Step 4: Provide deeper reflection and empathy. "I understand. I get so frustrated when things like that happen." Remember that anger is almost always a cover for some other emotion. You can help SO much by helping the child identify the underlying emotion.
Step 5: Suggest and model alternatives. "When I'm angry, stomping my feet helps." Then do some stomping. As the atmosphere lightens up, try for playful: "And when I’m REALLY mad, I growl like a giant."
Step 6: Love 'em up. What will reassure your kid that expressing anger is okay? Hugs? Quiet time playing with cars? Snuggles on the couch? A bike ride together? Whatever it is, do that.
Step 7: Repeat as needed. If learning to deal with anger were easy, there wouldn't be so many people in therapy. Remember that your child is not (NOT!) going to get it on the first try. You will (WILL!) need to go through this process again and again. Be patient. Take the long view.
Related post: Averting intensity
Traveling, sleeping
2 hours ago
5 comments:
This is great and I do most of it, glad I'm on the right track.
I react also and I have to really force myself to separate my emotions.
Having my last son has taught me to really separate myself and focus on him. He gets mad and explodes and I do those things you mention, it helps :)
Great tips! I found the book "Anger" buy Thich Nhat Han very helpful for myself...which helps me deal with my children's intense emotions better. I love your disclaimer btw!:)
Step 7 being the one I struggle with if the repeats come too close together. Anger expressed with passion is so hard to be near - but there are my babies so they are totally worth my effort - even if I still have to call a halt and come back to it later - everyone needs a breath sometimes :)
I've been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now, can I just say thank you and you will know how truly I mean that? Your writing is SO helpful in helping me to improve and clarify my life with my kids.
Thank you :)
(And this post is amazing, really. I am going to memorize it into my heart and put it in action!)
Stephanie, I don't think there was any doubt you were on the right track! :-)
Thanks, Ren. I've read a little bit of his stuff but not that. I'll look for it.
TurtleOak - I can so relate. I think some extra creativity is needed on those days when the anger flares up again and again. But since it (surprise!) seems to happen on days when *my* resources are at low ebb, it's a little tricky! Anything that helps lower the intensity in the house helps on those days: turning down the volume, slowing the pace, etc. And getting out of the house completely can be a lifesaver. Shake things up!
Penny, you are so welcome. Thank you for the wonderful compliment.
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