Welcome to the teenage years! I think, regardless of upbringing, something temporarily happens to brain cells during “teenage” years. It’s payback time being on the parents’ side of it now. :-) I’m happy for the personal growth it creates in all of us...young & ‘old’.
Uh huh.
I don’t know what prompted my friend to post as she did. But I do know, with absolute certainty, that she is not dismissing her daughter’s emotions and desires as merely the product of biological development. To do so would be EXACTLY THE SAME as responding to a woman’s anger by saying, “Oh, is it that time of the month?” Anyone who has ever tried this tactic knows just how well it goes over (and by the way, how is your concussion doing?).
It’s disrespectful, and it’s dismissive. And since most kids can’t get away with braining their parents, it creates in them intense feelings of powerlessness.
This friend of a friend is not really wrong. I get it. In general, teens are experiencing surging hormones and undergoing some significant brain development, especially in the area of impulse control. And biological processes can definitely make our responses more intense.
But none of that changes the fact that the person in front of you is feeling frustrated, or sad, or excited, or angry for a reason. A nonbiological reason.
The other day, MJ was irritated with me.
Let’s stop there for a minute because that’s just what this woman did. She heard my friend’s daughter was upset and started talking about biology. Sorry, but upset+biology is not enough information! She forgot to ask "Why?"
The other day, MJ was irritated with me because I was
Hey, it happens (and yes, it is often my fault).
Later, we were able to talk it over and move on. But just imagine for a moment how much harder that would have been if I had thought or, heaven forbid, said something like, “This is just hormones getting in the way” or “Her brain isn’t developed enough to understand what’s really going on here.”
My skull and I are so glad I don’t think that way!
I can’t say MJ is glad because I don’t know that it has ever occurred to her that someone might try to dismiss her feelings because of her age. Good grief.
Oh, wait, I forgot what culture I live in. Yeah, she's probably glad.
What we've found is that the undeniable hormonal changes and brain development of the teen years don't ever explain away the emotions our teens feel or the desires they have. Knowing this helps us treat their experiences with respect, and treat their concerns as real and valid even when—no, especially when—we don't quite understand why a given issue is so important to them.
2 comments:
Yes.
I always find myself really grateful for what some certainly considered at the time to be my myriad shortcomings in the area of parenting, fresh off the boat in babyland. I had no preconceived notions and certainly no illusions that I was somehow superior of knowledge in the burgeoning relationship with my kids. So I always found myself with more of a "we're all in this together, learning as we go" and "if in doubt, freaking ASK them" method to my madness. It has yet to steer me wrong.
I was told that there was no actual manual issued with the baby, but I found pretty quickly that the baby IS the manual. I am continually mystified by the overall insistence of most parents of ANY aged child to treat them as though they're - some alien being or something. Completely foreign to their own experience. It's disrespectful and it's dismissive, not just of the teenager in question but of the parent, too. Devaluing the things that mattered to them in the past in order to maintain fleeting power in the present.
When my friends who parent teenagers come to me with a problem I always ask them what the teenager said when they asked THEM about it. To me that seems like the obvious move. They look at me as though I'm crazy. It's a pandemic. Being a teen is hard. Adults just make it harder.
Ronnie, I love you and I appreciate your blog post.
In my original fb post I was breathing and loving because I chose to. It was not an age moment, as my friend wanted to blame it on, it was simply a moment where Tails and I were not connecting because we have different views regarding the event that sparked the post. My friend's response frustrated me because it had nothing to do with anything. Everyday there are moments where I choose what type of Mom I want to be. I make those choices based on love, respect, and kindness. And yes, I totally blow-it sometimes and as I fly by the seat of my pants I leave poop in my wake. That's never something I want to do but as Tails says, "It's just a mistake, not a sin" but still, shit is shit is my book. I don't want to be Tail's shitty Mom.
Tails oftentimes has me walking in my unknown and I stumble along hoping that my love can be the answer to all her needs. Cause DAM, I love that amazing young woman. She inspires me like no other human I have ever met. I will not buy into an age agenda - it feels so limiting. I will continue to love and honor her simply because she is Tails.
Thank you so much for your blog post. ~Crystal~
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