When MJ was little, I had a little conversation with our nephew-son, Jerry. "Do you think Marjie is happy?" I asked. I don't remember his exact reply, but it was much closer to "Not really" than "Of course!"
I think about that moment now and realize what a great gift he gave to MJ and me that day. If he had offered polite reassurances instead of his honesty, there's a chance I would have ignored the instincts that were telling me I had cause for concern. I might have continued blindly down the parenting path I was on, inflicting more and more damage. Instead, he offered a wake-up call that sent me in search of a better way.
Thank you, Jerry.
(Read more about my parenting journey here.)
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8 months ago
4 comments:
If you treat your children as tho they are handicapped, they will come to believe it and will in fact become handicapped. Your daughters are neither handicapped nor damaged.
I am digging myself in deeper. I am so angry that you could think you were a bad parent when it's so obviously untrue. Why would you every think that!!??
I apologize for this rant.
Thank you for the support, Mom. But let me try to explain a little better!
"Your daughters are neither handicapped nor damaged."
I agree! But they remember the days when I didn't parent gently. I belittled them, I controlled them, and I hit them. They, and in particular MJ, still feel some hurt over those events. To pretend their pain is all in the past does them a disservice.
I know they are okay (great!) now, and I give myself credit for making the changes that got us to this point. But it took moments of self-reflection much like this blog post to get me from there to here. To deal honestly with my mistakes and show the girls that one can acknowledge an error, make amends, and move forward in a better way is far from treating them as if they are handicapped!
There is a tradition among mothers to always say "good mom" no matter how counterproductive or cruel or clueless the behavior is. That's an "us vs. them" stance, though, with the adults against the kids (or the women against all others). That system condones and encourages all sorts of bad behaviors, including casual divorce and pushing kids out of the house just because they've turned 18 or finished high school.
If everything is equally good, why and how would anyone do better at ANYthing, ever?
This isn't about Ronnie's children because I haven't even met them (though my son Marty has stayed at their house): Some children aren't born handicapped or damaged but their parents crush some of the life and joy and trust and hope out of them. No parent means to, but if others around say "good parenting!" about parenting that could easily be improved, it will get worse before it gets better (and staying the same is worse than getting better).
I have a collection of those things moms say to each other. Some are specifically about unschooling, but most are not.
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