Whoa! What a revelation! I, once the quintessential control freak, have made it past the last bastion. When did this happen? And more importantly, did it happen soon enough? With one kid out the door and the other busy making plans, I am very much aware that the time available for getting there goes by very quickly. It can so easily run out while you're still saying "someday."
Do any of these sound familiar?
- "We're unschooling except for math."
- "We're unschooling academics only."
- "We're radical unschoolers except we limit _________."
- "We're radical unschoolers, but we would never let our
kids __________."
7 comments:
We're radical unschoolers, but we would never let our
kids ...
- destroy someone else's property?
- post a racist/sexist/homophobic banner in our front yard?
- deal cocaine out of the garage?
Just a few more reductios. I know that you and your regular readers get it, Ronnie. But what about a newbie?
I think of unschooling as a sort of path and one can only get to those landmarks by traveling the path. Because I dislike labels, I generally don't refer to myself as either "unschooler" or "radical unschooler" even though some would recognize me as such, because as you pointed out, there are still some points on the path I haven't reached yet, despite putting one foot in front of the other (and sometimes then backing away from a marker with trepidation).
Although I'm not a veteran "unschooler" I think I'm just beyond the newbie stage. Still figuring out that line between freedom and license. And going at a pace that is comfortable for me. And in that sense, I'm the best mom to Seth that I can be - showing him how one travels the healing path, face fear head on, and dusts self off when one falls.
Blake - Those are actions, not values.
My fill-in-the-blank statement there is a trick question. The problem is not with whatever you put in the blank, the problem is with "let."
Destroying someone else's property - How would I stop them? Toddlers can be redirected. Teens? Not so much. If they feel the urge to destroy, they are going to find a way. If I know about the urge, I can help find a way to relieve it, and I can try to help with whatever is causing the urge. But ultimately, I can't stop them from acting.
Actions on my property - I can only change the location. If I say "no horrible banners in the front yard," they go off and post them on Facebook or spraypaint them on an underpass.
As for the values behind the actions--that destroying someone else's property is an okay way to let off steam, that dealing drugs is a good way to make money, that racism/sexism/homophobia are valid viewpoints--I have no control over those beyond living my life in a way that values their opposites (with a bit of pleading thrown in).
Maria - "Still figuring out that line between freedom and license." You're not alone. Obviously. :-)
We (unschoolers) signal our values to our kids all the time. Nonverbal cues make up some huge percentage of communication, and when our kids act in a way that goes against our values, you can bet the kids know that we are not pleased. And we talk and talk and talk. And we react to things on television, in social interactions, at the grocery store, and so on, all day every day. Our kids aren't raised in a vacuum of freedom.
But I have as much trouble with "license" as I do with "let" and "allow." Those words are part of a pervasive culture of parents-as-authority figures that is *really* hard to move out of. I'm not immune. If you search for the word "allow" on my blog, you're going to get some hits! I used it just the other day, as a matter of fact, in (ironically enough) my post about values. I have left it there as a lesson to myself. LOL.
My advice as you travel your path is to keep that culture in mind and not let it drive. Your relationship with your son is a better driver!
Great point! We are radical unschoolers period!
I have to say I can't stand the lines of we unschool but...it drives me crazy cause in my mind you aren't unschooling. Then people get their panties in a wad accusing me of narrowly defining unschooling... It gets old, most of the time lately I just let it go but it still bothers me. Why claim the label? Just say we homeschool, we are relaxed homeschoolers, why bother saying you are something you are not?
Sorry rant over :)
ack. this is a very ambivalent topic for me. the concept that "values are the last bastion of controlling parenting" doesn't resonate for me. i think that may speak more about *strategies* than about actual values.
i kind of believe that as a parent, it's actually part of my job to try to instill certain values in my kids. i try to do that through example, suggestions, sharing experiences, asking my kids questions about their thoughts and feelings and reasons, and talks.
i try to make a distinction between values and preferences. i'd like for them to treat other people and property with kindness and respect; i'd like for them to appreciate and value the time and work it takes to earn money to pay for the things we buy and do; i'd like for them to respect other people's thoughts, feelings, and experiences even when they might disagree.
i'd like for them to value life, passion, curiosity, hope, and finding silver linings in life's storms. i'm like for them to value work and other opportunities to contribute to individuals, organizations, and communities. i'd like for them to value aspects of mutual-ness in life ~ i'd like for them to value my thoughts, feelings, preferences as i do theirs. i'd like for them to value a sense of community.
i'd like for them to value and seek deep friendships. i'd like for them to value criteria and choosing people based on shared values. i'd like for them to value interdependence. i'd like for them to value the concept that there ain't no such thing as a free lunch, and i'd like for them to value paying for their own lunches in life ~ literally and figuratively. i'd like for them to value the experiences and perspectives other people may offer. i'd like for them to value the stories behind people's eyes. i'd like for them to value leaving each place a little better than when they entered it. that includes life, this world. and the kitchen full of dirty dishes.
i try to leave a lot of room for my kids to develop and implement their own preferences. although i'd like for them to value the time and work behind the things we buy and do, that doesn't mean that i expect them to treat their things or manage their money or implement fun vs. savings balance based on my preferences. i want them to identify and implement their own preferences. same for the other things i'd like them to value.
even when i wish for them to value something that is important to me, i value and support them making up the details to fit them, not me. and... much as i might want them to value some things, i know i can't force that, so even if i was more wired for coercion, i don't see coercion as an effective strategy except in very rare cases.
so i know what i value and i know what i hope to instill in them through non-coercive strategies. and i also know that some of the seeds i plant will sprout, and others won't. and some will be dormant for years before they sprout and bloom. patience isn't my virtue. and oh well. i get this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to grow some patience. and damn, those seeds take forever to sprout!
and geez. brevity isn't my talent either.
i think it's true that a toddler is (usually) more redirect-able than a teen. (i've met some determined toddlers though!) yet for me, hurting other people and other people's property is a "boundary". for toddlers. teens. adults. i might or might not be able to stop someone from hurting other people and/or property, but at a minimum, i'll make sure that boundary is known, with my effort to instill it as a value in my kids.
the existence of a rule or law cannot force implementation, yet i still think it's a good thing that we have laws about murder, theft, rape, etc.. some people will be deterred by the potential consequence of breaking the law. many others will not. at a country, state, or community level, i don't think the fact that some people will disobey laws is adequate reason not to have them when it comes to harming other people or property. at a personal level, i don't think the possibility that my kids may not respect a boundary is adequate reason not to have one when it comes to harming other people or property. sometimes, people live up to what we expect of them. (isn't that what we say about the trust we place in our kids?)
i realize that a boundary might not work. and i realize that limiting actions on my property might just mean that the actions change places. for some things, that might be the best i can do; not enough; and yet still worth doing. if my kids must spout hate, i don't want it to be in our house or yard. i'm going to have a hard time with it, wherever they do it. yet maybe it's similar to telling a relative that they cannot spank their child in our house? i cannot necessarily stop the behavior; yet i can set a boundary that it cannot happen in our house. why would a similar boundary not be ok if my teen is doing emotional or physical spanking/harm to others in our house or yard? ultimately i have no control. yet i can say that it cannot happen *here*. and that's something.
i think it's more likely that an occasional limit or boundary will be respected and possibly implemented if those things are the exception rather than the rule; if we share our reasons and if our reasons make sense; if the occasional limit or boundary isn't arbitrary; if we request support as opposed to trying to force support; if my kids know that i believe i'm learning as much (or more) from them than they are learning from me; if my kids know that i'm grateful, thankful, and appreciative of who they are and what they've shared and taught me; and if we usually behave in ways that respect our kids' limits and boundaries. i'd like to think that there'd be some mutual-ness available there.
(and maybe we're saying similar things...?)
Great post! Thank you for putting it out there. Unschooling is like diving into the deep end of the pool: you can't unschool and stay in the "3-foot" section at the same time.
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