This started out as a comment on an unschooling forum. I think it works as a standalone post too, and it's LONG, so I'm saving it.
Our kids are 19 and 20. The older one doesn't live at home right now but soon will again. We support both of them financially. Come September, they will both be in college, which we are paying for right now but which will eventually need to become a group effort. They each get a weekly no-strings allowance, which they don't have to do chores to earn and which they spend on whatever they want.
That's our situation.
Our philosophy is one of cooperation and sharing, with a healthy dose of ignoring society's arbitrary, different-from-country-to-country rules about the ages by which kids **should** be doing certain things like driving cars, paying their own way, moving out, and so on. Society doesn't get to decide those things, we do.
The ways this philosophy has paid off are many, and somewhat immeasurable.
Where to start? The biggest benefit has turned out to be that they get a modicum of relief from the pressure they are under -- that ALL kids are under, no matter what their parents say and do -- to become independent adults. Our kids talk to us, so I can see that this pressure is staggering and probably worse than any "gotta earn a living" pressure they will feel later in life. ANYTHING I can do to ease that pressure and give them a little breathing room to "figure this shit out" is a good thing. We reassure them repeatedly that there is no hurry. They don't cost more now than they did at 13 or 15 or last year. We know we can afford this lifestyle, just as it is, which means we can joyfully continue to be a safe haven for them as long as it takes them to find their paths.
Do I think I will still have kids living with me five years from now? Judging by their personalities and by what their older unschooling friends have done, the answer is, sadly, no. I'm on Empty Nest Watch whether I like it or not.
The other benefits are more, well, ordinary, and the reasons we went with the no-strings allowance to begin with. They got to practice budgeting and math and learn what it feels like to have money on payday and be broke by the end of the pay period. And Frank and I got to stop always being the bad-guy money decisionmakers. "Can I have this?" they still ask, and all we have to say is, "It's your money."
If you want a little friendly feedback, your setup [kids do chores to earn allowance, with commentary about kids beginning to pay their own way at 16] sounds pretty stressful and somewhat adversarial! All that keeping track. All that wondering about where YOU should draw the line. Don't draw any lines. Figure out what the allowance is, hand it over with a smile, and then sit back and watch *them* figure out where the lines are and how to make the most of what they have. I bet they'll surprise you. (I should tell you sometime about the $5 megaton of candy the girls bought.)
When they make mistakes -- and they will, we all do -- I make purchasing mistakes all the freaking time *g* -- don't say, "See! I told you this wouldn't work!" Instead, recognize that it HAS worked. Mistakes lead to learning. If they buy too many potions and lose them [on a gaming site where cyber items are purchased for real money], they will learn how yucky it feels to get nothing for their money.
I have lots more to say but this is a novel already. Here are a couple of relevant posts from my blog:
http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/2010/06/stuff-and-money-and-space.html
http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/2010/05/date-with-reality.html
Game Day
11 hours ago
8 comments:
Great post! Curious how you decided on the amount of allowance.
It's varied based on their ages and needs and our income. It was roughly $1 per year of age (when we could afford it), but at some point it settled at $15 per week because they are also getting a lump-sum chunk of money each year that they typically use for Not Back to School Camp fees. If I count that, they get about $35 a week.
Funny, that's exactly what I was thinking. :) Thanks, Ronnie!
I'm so happy to hear this has worked well for your family. We are planning to do something similar, by giving up control of the money we would normally spend on our kids to them. Right now our oldest is 4, and she has the money we would spend on her toys to do with as she pleases. Since she isn't actually a big fan of toys, she spends it on candy, stickers, and pretty things, and that's just fine.
Link to the O'Jays For the Love of Money
Great idea!
Love this Ronnie!
11i LOVE this post (and the other one, yet this one applies more to my current ponders). these concepts resonate strongly for me. i've never liked arbitrary rules applied to me, and we've rarely used arbitrary rules in our parenting lives. allowances haven't been tied to chores, and we've often given the kids the family grocery money to plan food and meals as they wish ~ not as a chore; as something they wanted to do. they’ve always been encouraged to argue for their preferences and views, even when they conflict with our own.
yet there *are* some preconceived notions in my own head about some things that seem desirable (to ME), and don't seem arbitrary, and yet still... it's a struggle sometimes to find a balance and style to share about those things *as options* ~ enabling informed choice, without framing my desirable things into rules or requirements for them.
timelines become a little bit trickier still. i used to think people "should" move out by 18, 19, or 20. i felt soo much empowerment, joy, independence, and creativity when i moved out at 17. it's hard for me not to project that as how everyone on the planet would feel when they move out. and then it's hard for me to not want them to want that for themselves. so... i feel that way emotionally, and yet i've shifted intellectually.
now, i still feel that moving out would *probably* be a huge empowering thing for them. yet the time has already flown by quicker than i imagined time could possibly fly. and the time left together becomes more precious each day. i look forward to an emptier house, with less clutter, and clean dishes, and beds made and less noise. and i'll also hear echoes in the silence and i'll miss them and will welcome them back at any time. i'm happy for the new phases of life, and i'm also not in a hurry for it. i want both, and it's not a contradiction.
meanwhile… we need a roof and some bathroom repairs that won't be cheap. and for us, there *have* been higher costs as they've become older ~ when kids were with us all the time, they didn't need cell phones. now, cell phones or ipods enable connection that seems almost necessary when we're doing separate things. more drivers means more car insurance, and for teens, that's a lot of added cost. we aren't insisting on arbitrary ages for moving out or for working and we aren't requiring that they attend school, yet when they do, college classes are not cheap. "disposable" income has been minimal along the way, yet there's less of it now.
it becomes harder to define "arbitrary" when some aspects of flexibility seem possible because finances are available to support leeway. if flexibility reflects and connects to monetary wealth and privilege, do "arbitrary" parameters also shift when finances are stretched thinner? if we talk openly about finances is that valuable honesty that also educates about cost of running a household? or is that implied pressure? or both? or something else? i don't know if there are answers to those questions, and i'm not exactly expecting any. (yet input is always welcome.)
in some times, families, and cultures, kids might live at home, without a timeframe for as long as the kids are in school. in others, kids might be expected to work and contribute to the family finances or resources once they are able to do so. in others, kids might have flexibility as long as they are "responsible", however their families define that. in others, other things.
we're not looking to make arbitrary rules about work, money, school, or moving out. yet mutually reasonable seems desirable, and yet hard to define; and "arbitrary" seems fuzzy in areas where flexibility might connect to finances. and there’s the uncertainty of not having any solid answers, and still... i'm glad to be pondering from a perspective of questions and not rules.
your post keeps the perspective of NON-arbitrary strong. thank you. : )
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