Accepted

Did any of you have a chance to see "Accepted," a little movie that came out last summer? It's about Bartleby, an enterprising young man who, faced with a series of college rejection letters and a pair of severely disappointed parents, comes up with his own college, the South Harmon Institute of Technology (you supply the acronym). He and his friends create a letterhead, set up a web site, and hang a sign on a former mental institution, then recruit a cranky, shoe-selling former professor to do the welcome interview with Bartleby's parents. The fun starts when a web-site snafu leads to hundreds of kids showing up for the first day of school.

The movie was marketed as this generation's "Animal House," and it certainly contains enough collegiate antics to qualify. But as much as I loved "Animal House," and despite its none-too-subtle jabs at college administration, the Greek system, and politics (remember, Bluto becomes a senator), "Animal House" doesn't come close to containing the important messages that "Accepted" contains. It explores the idea that kids who lack the 4.0 GPAs, test scores, athletic abilities, and other credentials traditionally valued by colleges still have a lot to offer, and that we are all worthy of acceptance.

It probably goes without saying that I loved this movie. It spoke to my unschooler heart. The scene where Bartleby welcomes the new students and tells them that, here, they will be accepted for who they are, brought me to tears.

With traditional parenting and traditional schooling, kids are dictated to, criticized, corrected, pressured, shamed, and pigeonholed. There are hundreds of rules to follow -- the shoulds, I call them -- and a very small set of traditional goals that are deemed worthy of pursuit. Don't get me wrong: there may be a wealth of love and encouragement in these kids' lives. But I believe the presence of those positives can only balance the negatives; it can't make up for them.

Our approach with unschooling is different, and it's demonstrated pretty nicely in the movie. Instead of leading with "This is who you should be," we ask (or simply wait watchfully to be shown) who our kids want to be.

This kind of acceptance represents a huge subject, the core of unschooling, and it has many parts. Education and learning styles, socialization and manners, whether kids should be "toughened up" or protected, whether parents should discipline their kids, nutrition, hygiene, chores, and even financial issues. I might go into more depth on some of those in later posts, but for now, here are some principles we live by:

• Our kids are okay just the way they are.

I should highlight that one or something. It's huge. If you really want to "get" unschooling, meditate on that concept for a while.

• If our kids are not okay (unhappy times, challenges to face, something missing from life, etc.), it's our job to help them find the resources or tools they need to get back to being okay.
• Our kids are, at all times, learning and changing, and it's our job to be attentive to and supportive of that.
• If our kids are having fun, they're learning at top speed. It's our job to facilitate fun.
• We trust that our kids will learn what they need to know, when they need to know it. There is no lesson, academic or social, that has to be learned by a certain age, and parental embarrassment is not a good reason for shaming a child.
• There is no good reason for shaming a child.
• We trust that our kids will, on their own, fill their time with the activities that are best suited to their moods, needs, interests, and natural learning processes.
• It's our job to provide a resource-rich environment for our kids, no matter how messy it makes the house.
• We have no idea what our kids might accomplish if encouraged, and it's not our job to make them "face reality." When offered the Great Gift of a glimpse into their dreams and wishes, we don't have to be their voice of reason or the rain on their parade. We just have to say, "Oh, cool! How can I help?"
• It is much better to say "yes" than "no," even if it is a qualified "yes." For example, I might say, "Yes, we can go to the mall just as soon as I finish this blog post" instead of "No, not right now." It's a little thing, but all those yeses add up to a much more positive atmosphere.
• The lifestyle we are living was our choice (meaning mine and Frank's); supporting the lifestyle is our responsibility and not something to be foisted off on the kids. This includes caring for the house we live in.
• A kid who is acting out, angry, frustrated, or crying is a kid who needs help and understanding. And maybe some food. It's the adult's job to stay calm, step back, try to see through the kid's eyes, and listen.
• Kids need space to feel their emotions instead of pressure to stifle them. (Small kids might also need help identifying their emotions; sometimes hearing a description of what they're feeling is all they need in order to calm down.)
• Punishment has no place in our home.

Well, that turned into a long list, but it really comes down to trust and acceptance. We trust our kids to learn and grow and thrive in the loving home we provide, and we accept them, as-is.

The unavoidable opposite of acceptance is rejection. I think adults inadvertently aim a lot of little rejection darts at the kids in their lives, thinking they're doing the kids a favor by attempting to "fix" trait x, y, or z. Knock it off! Just love them and trust that they'll get it all figured out in their own good time. They will!