Socialization

From the American Heritage Dictionary:
socialize
TRANSITIVE VERB:
1. To place under government or group ownership or control. 2. To make fit for companionship with others; make sociable. 3. To convert or adapt to the needs of society.
INTRANSITIVE VERB:
To take part in social activities.

One of the questions homeschoolers hear often is, "But what about socialization?" The question usually encompasses all of the definitions above except the first one (although perhaps that one ought to be examined just a titch). This lumping of definitions means that the question also encompasses a number of assumptions, such as:
(1) School makes kids fit for companionship and for society.
(2) Positive social activities happen for every child in school.
(3) Homeschooled kids are isolated to such an extent that they will not be fit for companionship and society, nor will they get to take part in social activities.

Our societal belief in the first two assumptions is pervasive and virtually unchallenged. In fact, over the last few years I've been struck again and again by how often people accept such societal beliefs without even thinking about them. No logical reasoning is applied. Someone said something to me the other day about "drinking the unschooling Kool-Aid," implying that unschoolers are brainwashed or cultish or perhaps even doomed. Personally, I've seen far more evidence that indicates that we, as a society, have been drinking the school Kool-Aid!

So, I'm here to offer a dose of antidote for the assumptions listed above. I suspect that even listing the assumptions has prompted my readers to see their flaws, but I'll enjoy pointing them out anyway.

(1) School makes kids fit for companionship and for society.

Ahem. Actually, maybe I won't tackle this one myself. Here instead are a few quotes from John Taylor Gatto's "Underground History of American Education."

"By the end of the first quarter of the nineteenth century, a form of school technology was up and running in America’s larger cities, one in which children of lower-class customers were psychologically conditioned to obedience under pretext that they were learning reading and counting (which may also have happened). These were the Lancaster schools... They soon spread to every corner of the nation where the problem of an incipient proletariat existed."

"As I watched it happen, it took about three years to break most kids, three years confined to environments of emotional neediness with nothing real to do. In such environments, songs, smiles, bright colors, cooperative games, and other tension-breakers do the work better than angry words and punishment. Years ago it struck me as more than a little odd that the Prussian government was the patron of Heinrich Pestalozzi, inventor of multicultural fun-and-games psychological elementary schooling, and of Friedrich Froebel, inventor of kindergarten. It struck me as odd that J.P. Morgan’s partner, Peabody, was instrumental in bringing Prussian schooling to the prostrate South after the Civil War. But after a while I began to see that behind the philanthropy lurked a rational economic purpose."

"In the first decades of the twentieth century, a small group of soon-to-be-famous academics, symbolically led by John Dewey and Edward Thorndike of Columbia Teachers College, Ellwood P. Cubberley of Stanford, G. Stanley Hall of Clark, and an ambitious handful of others, energized and financed by major corporate and financial allies like Morgan, Astor, Whitney, Carnegie, and Rockefeller, decided to bend government schooling to the service of business and the political state—as it had been done a century before in Prussia. Cubberley delicately voiced what was happening this way: 'The nature of the national need must determine the character of the education provided.'" (emphasis added)

In other words, American schools were, in fact, designed to socialize kids—into factory workers. The students' fitness as companions has never been a goal.

(2) Positive social activities happen for every child in school.

Oh, I hope no one actually believes this. It simply isn't true. I'll take myself as a case in point. I went to a decent suburban school where there was virtually no violence. I was a successful student. I was reasonably happy in school. I had some fun. I was mildly popular ('though that one is harder to write, because I always felt like an outcast).

I had nightmares every night the week before my 10-year high school reunion.

Imagine what school was actually doing to me if it could have that effect on me ten years later. Imagine what school does to the kids in schools that aren't essentially safe places, to kids who aren't so successful, happy, enaged, and popular.

At my 20-year reunion, one woman wouldn't leave her hotel room because she was overcome with guilt over the way she had bullied her classmates.

And then there's the idea that school is a place where kids can be with their friends. That is also not true! School does not foster social interaction; there are dozens, even hundreds, of rules that prohibit it. Classroom management and school administration is very much about controlling and stifling the natural response of kids who find themselves in the company of other kids—that is, laughing, talking, playing, socializing. (Does the phrase "Stop socializing" sound familiar to anyone? I heard it more than once when I was in school.)

Here's a good example: The Federal Way, Washington, school district is contemplating a ban on iPods and cell phones. District reasoning runs as you might expect, with reference to distractions and text-message cheating, but the ban would cover not only classtime but time between classes and during lunch. Where does their reasoning fit into that? What's really happening is a change-with-the-times expansion of the district's anti-social-interaction ruleset.

Another good example: Classes in MJ and Chloe's elementary school were rewarded for walking the hallways in straight lines with no talking.

(3) Homeschooled kids are isolated to such an extent that they will not be fit for companionship and society, nor will they get to take part in social activities.

Over the years, the media has provided us with a few stories that seemed to support this assumption. There have been some much-publicized cases of child abusers who isolated their children from society and called it homeschooling, and the news stories about these people often carry the implication that these parents' freedom to homeschool gave them the freedom to abuse. Educators line up for the chance to say so on national television. It's bullshit, pure and simple. After all, most abused children are in school. I don't mean their abuse happens there (although it can and too often does), but it happens. School or no school, child abuse happens.

Rather than being about isolating our children, homeschooling is about putting our children into the real world. Instead of being confined to a room with kids their own age, our kids have friends of all ages. Homeschooling families have access to an increasingly vast network of peers, resources, and facilities. I'm sure many homeschooled parents wish their kids were more isolated, because all the running around they do makes for a busy life!

The reality is, homeschooled kids are only as isolated as they want to be.

Our family experience provides a good example. We are a somewhat insulated family, relatively homebound (when we're not out chasing hurricanes), so you might put our routine at the "isolationist" end of the homeschooler social spectrum. Knowing what you know about us and reading the brief history that follows, you might see that it's not very isolationist at all.

In the early days of our unschooling, MJ and Chloe were still in touch with their friends from school, and we had regular get-togethers with them. Those connections dwindled as time went on, and for a couple of years, the girls were perfectly content with the social activities our lifestyle naturally provided (cousins and other relatives, neighbor kids, family friends, Kendo devotees, boat yard and marina workers, sailors, park rangers, etc.). Then last year, MJ expressed an interest in widening her social circle. Chloe didn't much care, but she's gone along for the ride.

I found Hope for Horses, MJ's home away from home, where she has become very close to the adults who run the charity. I can't count the people that involvement has brought into her life, from veterinarians to farriers to musicians to movie makers.

I reached out to the unschooling community and Frank reached out to the cruising community, and we formed friendships with families all over the area. Chloe attended Summerhill School and formed friendships with kids from all over the world. MJ attended the Not Back to School Camp and formed friendships with kids from all over the country. Then we attended the unschooling conference, where a lot of those connections came together in one place (yes, there was even another former Summerhillian there), and discovered what a community of people we have become part of.

And then there's the community we're not part of, the more traditional homeschooling community, with its clubs and co-ops and meetings and potlucks and seminars. It's there, anytime we want it.

The result of this less homogenized socialization is kids who are comfortable talking to people of all ages. Sure, homeschooled kids like hanging out with other kids—and that is definitely a generalization to which there are numerous exceptions—but they don't automatically reject a newly met adult as a potential friend.

Yesterday, at a little gathering of unschoolers that I orchestrated at a park in Monroe, kids sat chatting with us moms at least half the time (with the rest of their time spent running around the tennis court and playground with the other kids in joyful abandon). The kids ranged in age from 12 to 16; nobody's age mattered, nobody was too cool to play, nobody was too young to be included.

Why do people cling to the idea that socialization only happens in school?
I have my own theories about why people cling to this idea so vociferously. There's the self-aggrandizement or self-delusion of the educational establishment. There's the self-protection of adults who suffered in school and can't face the prospect of it having all been for nothing. There's even my conspiracy theory about our government's continuing need for an obedient proletariat. But I'm afraid the real reason is simply that many of us are too well schooled to question our beliefs.

For any who are ready to start questioning, this page provides links to studies that support the ideas in this post:
http://atypicalhomeschool.net/general-information/the-cultural-myth-of-socialization/

Ruled by joy

Scene: It is 10:30 p.m. We are flies on the wall of the third-floor corridor of the hotel at an unschooling conference. A wild-eyed boy who bears a charming resemblance to young Harry Potter streaks by, gabbling something about girls. He dances frantically in place as he waits for the elevator to arrive, then dives through the doors as if his very life depends on it. A few minutes later, his pursuers appear. Judging by the noise level, we assume there must be twelve of them, but no, it is only three. "Shh, it's quiet time," warns a mom who is not their mom. The volume comes down for a moment, but we hear it increasing again as the elevator carries them down to the lobby. ("Harry" went up, in case you were wondering.)

Over the last several weeks—perhaps because four unschooling or unschooling-related conferences have taken place in that time—I've been privy to a number of discussions about where one should draw the line between respect for kids and respect for other people's rights and property. I gather (but have no firsthand knowledge) that there was some minor kid-inflicted property damage at the Rethinking Education Conference down in Texas. Some people are outraged by this and blaming unschooling for it.

Even disregarding the fact that RE is not strictly an unschooling conference, I must question their logic. Do they think that 300 schooled kids or, heaven help us, 300 Shriners would have been better behaved at an event like that? *snort*

That said, I don't think it's a bad idea to ponder this issue.

"Unschooling is not unparenting."

This is something that is often said in the unschooling community. "Unschooling parents," the argument continues, "are present with their kids, and involved, and ready to step in."

Uh huh. It's not that I disagree with the people making this argument. I don't. I've seen a lot of unschooling kids and parents in action, and the level of involvement we're talking about is unparalleled.

But.

The whole truth of the matter is that most people walking into an unschooling conference would describe it with words like "chaos" and "running wild" and "irresponsible." At the talks and chats, people are "terribly disrespectful." They bring their kids, they come and go, their cellphones ring and their walkie-talkies beep. In fact, when my grandma expressed interest in coming to LIFE is Good last spring, I felt obliged to warn her off. To someone with her traditional mindset, the conference would probably be terribly unpleasant, and she would probably find a lot of evidence of unparenting.

"You have to see with better eyes than that."

That quote is one of my favorites from The Abyss. Our heroine, Lindsey, is pleading with her husband, Bud, to step away from fear and the reality he has known. She wants him to step into wonder.

And wonder is what I find at an unschooling conference. Because the "chaos" is actually a pretty sophisticated system. It's just not the system that people are used to.

All that motion in the lobby? That's 400+ people moving from point A to point B. All that conversation? That's friendship and support in action. Those kids riding the elevators and running the hallways? That's playtime and socialization. (Remember socialization? A few minutes ago, you were really worried about socialization.) Those kids in the talks and chats? They're there by invitation. And the coming and going? That's all part of an underlying acceptance that our kids' needs come first, even if it means leaving during a speech.

And notice what's missing. The kids aren't fighting. In fact, anger is virtually nonexistent. And that typical scene from the real world—the silent elevator where everyone stares at the numbers—that never happens. There are no strangers here.

And notice what's different. Adults smile at the children. Children smile at the adults. People who cry are comforted. There is lots (LOTS) of hugging. The kids strike up conversations with other kids' parents. The kids strike up conversations with the hotel employees. The kids strike up conversations with the couple who came to this hotel to get away from their kids. The kids strike up conversations with you.

And what's that over there? It's a group of teenagers! They came here voluntarily. They make eye contact. They smile. And then, can you believe it, they take turns with a microphone and share all sorts of details about their lives.

"An old man dies. A young woman lives. A fair trade."
Hartigan (Bruce Willis) in Sin City

I'm sure things get damaged at unschooling conferences. (Zombie makeup can't be easy on the towels, for instance.) I'm sure there are people who are bothered by the noise and who feel (and I agree) that the hotel reservations people really should have warned them. But there are solutions to those problems that do not involve limiting the good stuff.

Why is adding rules and punishments to a kid's life the first, and usually only, solution people come up with? How unimaginative! What limited thinking!

Unschooling parents believe resorting to rules is a creative failure.

Here's an example. I've deliberately chosen a hypothetical situation here, not one I've ever heard about.

Problem: The hotel is unhappy because several towels were stained.
Possible solutions:
- Take up a collection.
- Trade ad space in the conference handbook for some new towels.
- Ask everybody to contribute ragged towels for next year.

The solution does not have to be a new rule, "Zombie makeup is hereby prohibited." In fact, most unschoolers would see replacing a few towels as an incredibly low cost for the fun and learning that some zombie-makeup sessions provide. And by making our kids aware of the problems that come up, by involving our kids in finding solutions to those problems, our kids learn a gazillion times more than they would from any rule.

The cons of unschooling

My friend and grown unschooler Idzie has written a post about the downsides of unschooling. She didn't include some cons I would have listed, so those are here as an addendum to her list.

Note that not every family will experience all of these or the ones on Idzie's list. But they represent some distinct themes that we see in the unschooling forums.

You follow your child's lead
This is the core of unschooling, so even newbies are excited about it. But it doesn't take long before something comes up that causes the parents to have a moment of revelation about what it really means, which is you follow your child's lead. Even when you don't particularly like or have interest in where they are headed.

This is happening to me right now in a couple of areas. Most immediately, Chloe is awake even though I got up expecting quiet time alone, and she wants to chat even though I am bursting with ideas for a new blog post. (She is very sleepy, so her bids for my attention are infrequent and short-lived, which is why the post is getting written anyway).

Then there's the college prep. Both girls are suddenly--happily, voluntarily--caught up in all the You Must Be Good Enough rigmarole that is getting into college, and I very much dislike it. I find myself caught up in long involved fantasies of starting a real South Harmon Institute of Technology.

Multiple kids mean a lot of leads to follow
Being an unschooling parent is no walk in the park (unless your kids want to walk in the park). If you have more than one kid, get ready to juggle interests, energy levels, sociabilities, sensibilities, and schedules.

Schedules? We don't need no stinking schedules!
It is entirely possible in an unschooling household of, say, four people for there to exist four very different daily schedules, with each subject to change without notice and often at a time that is awkward due to prior commitments made. Parents of younger children may be able to arrange things to their liking, but not always. We regularly have parents with infants asking what to do when the four-year-old wants to stay up late while mom and baby sleep and isn't really ready for that much alone time.

In a household with older kids, the mixed schedules can really be pretty fun and work amazingly well, but not always. Idzie misses spending time with her nightowl sister. Chloe sleeps through the occasional family event.

Learning happens all the time
Again, this is a core value of unschooling. It's why unschooling works. But it ain't always easy to live by.

One of my favorite bits from one of my favorite books is this from Parenting a Free Child by Rue Kream:

The moon was out, and Rowan and Dagny started to talk about craters on the moon and how you can see them with a telescope, and gee, maybe we should look at them with our telescope? Jon jumped up and started walking towards the house, all the while muttering just loud enough for us to hear, "Damn this unschooling. Kids wanna see the moon, I gotta schlep out the telescope. Put 'em in school, and if they wanna see the moon you just tell 'em to wait 'til they cover it in science class. Stupid idea, keeping these kids home..."

Socialization
There, I admitted it! Socialization is a problem!

Okay, not really. What can be both a joy and a con of unschooling is that the time it takes to get someplace to visit like-minded friends must often be measured in hours instead of minutes. Bright side? We do a lot of traveling and have a lot of houseguests! Down side? We do a lot of traveling and have a lot of houseguests. And since each trip or visit requires prep and recovery time... Well, see below.

Your house is lived in
And I do mean lived in. What we have discovered is that keeping the house tidy when all of its residents go off each day for six to ten hours is MUCH easier than when some number of them are at home all day. Every day. Busily engaged in the business of learning and playing and living their lives.

Whatever your weaknesses as a parent, they will be revealed
I imagine parents whose kids are in school discover their weaknesses as parents, too. But when you are it for your kids, parent and partner and mentor and friend and confidant, you had better be a good it. Unschooling parents tend to do a lot of self-examination and a lot of work on improving their reactions and responsiveness to their kids. It is hard fricking work! The rewards are huge, of course, but it's not for the faint of heart.

A note about cons

I want to respond to something Idzie said in the preface to her list of cons. She said the downsides of unschooling aren't talked about much by unschoolers. I don't think that's entirely true. Every item on her list and mine is discussed regularly by unschoolers. We write about them and we talk about them. It's just that we tend to take them on one at a time, issue by issue, helping a specific parent with a specific instance. And every discussion includes lots of commentary on why we do what we do, and why we think it is so very much worth our time and commitment.

To read more about my personal whys, see some of my previous posts about unschooling.

What unschooling looked like today

This is the first in a series of peeks into our unschooling routine (or lack thereof). I'll shoot for posting one mid-month each month.

But first, a quote from Chloe: "The purpose of unschooling is to make sure everyone in your family is happy with their life."

I couldn't have said it better. And now, the report on today.

Both girls are a little under the weather, so it was a pretty sedate day today. Nevertheless, there are a bunch of activities to report. In addition to the activities in the list below, both girls reviewed my last blog post for accuracy. They're my subject-matter experts. :-)

Chloe
Read some fanfiction
IM'd with MJ (yes, MJ was in the next room)
Chatted over AIM with the Mini Skirt Army
Set up a new blog (she's not sharing it yet)
Discussed Fruits Basket (a manga series)
Plugged different dates into a zodiac calendar online
Watched the last disk of Full Metal Alchemist
Talked philosophy with Mom
Played with the rats
Had a pillow tug-of-war with MJ

MJ
Reread select passages in Eragon
Worked on her 2nd sci-fi novel, including a swordfight that is "completely badass"
IM'd with Chloe and a friend from NBTSC
Made plans with her cousin for Saturday night
Checked in on MySpace
Discussed Fruits Basket (a manga series)
Watched some South Park and the last disk of FMA
Talked philosophy with Mom
Updated our Netflix queue
.....(Alert: MJ's movie, "Zoo," is coming soon!)
Played with the rats
Had a pillow tug-o-war with Chloe
Listened to her iPod

I've been asked to clarify that the IM conversation between the two girls was actually an icon war. Just don't ask me to explain that. :-)

Academic translations for a few of those activities
Several:
Socialization!
Language arts (creative writing, editing, critical thinking, book reports)

Zodiac web site: Math - Chloe was calculating years of birth for Fruits Basket characters

FMA: alchemy vs. science and mechanics, history (WWI, zeppelins and the blitz, and the build-up to WWII), seven deadly sins

Fruits Basket: Japanese culture, names, language, Chinese zodiac, biology, and Choir (they sang the FMA and Fruits Basket theme songs together - in Japanese!)

iPod: Music Appreciation and Music of the World (it's a very eclectic collection)

Pillow fight: PE, of course!

----------------
P.S. After I posted this, the girls and I went back to our individual activities, MJ still listening to her iPod and Chloe fiddling with my deck of cards. I got on YouTube because I wanted to hear "Spirit in the Sky" (don't ask me why). I found one clip of the 45 going 'round and 'round, with a comment attached that the center dealie on the record looked like a swastika. Someone then pointed out that the swastika was originally a Hindu symbol, which I didn't know, so I got on Wikipedia to learn more. My expressions of surprise and interest drew attention from the girls, so we finished up the day with another impromptu history lesson. These weird little chains of connections are one of the reasons unschooling works so well. That's another big subject and one I'd love to expound on more, but I'm going to call it a day.

The girls don't seem anywhere ready for sleep, though. Guess they'll have to continue their learning without me.

The only bright side...

...to this story is that it gave me something to blog about.

Girl, 13, gets detention for hugging two friends

I'm just not sure what this experience is supposed to teach her.

And when I contrast it with our joyous weekend—where we had kids of all ages hugging, holding hands, walking arm in arm, wrestling, tumbling, tickling, and laughing, laughing, laughing—I just want to cry.

Socialization? I prefer our variety, thank you.

Accepted

Did any of you have a chance to see "Accepted," a little movie that came out last summer? It's about Bartleby, an enterprising young man who, faced with a series of college rejection letters and a pair of severely disappointed parents, comes up with his own college, the South Harmon Institute of Technology (you supply the acronym). He and his friends create a letterhead, set up a web site, and hang a sign on a former mental institution, then recruit a cranky, shoe-selling former professor to do the welcome interview with Bartleby's parents. The fun starts when a web-site snafu leads to hundreds of kids showing up for the first day of school.

The movie was marketed as this generation's "Animal House," and it certainly contains enough collegiate antics to qualify. But as much as I loved "Animal House," and despite its none-too-subtle jabs at college administration, the Greek system, and politics (remember, Bluto becomes a senator), "Animal House" doesn't come close to containing the important messages that "Accepted" contains. It explores the idea that kids who lack the 4.0 GPAs, test scores, athletic abilities, and other credentials traditionally valued by colleges still have a lot to offer, and that we are all worthy of acceptance.

It probably goes without saying that I loved this movie. It spoke to my unschooler heart. The scene where Bartleby welcomes the new students and tells them that, here, they will be accepted for who they are, brought me to tears.

With traditional parenting and traditional schooling, kids are dictated to, criticized, corrected, pressured, shamed, and pigeonholed. There are hundreds of rules to follow -- the shoulds, I call them -- and a very small set of traditional goals that are deemed worthy of pursuit. Don't get me wrong: there may be a wealth of love and encouragement in these kids' lives. But I believe the presence of those positives can only balance the negatives; it can't make up for them.

Our approach with unschooling is different, and it's demonstrated pretty nicely in the movie. Instead of leading with "This is who you should be," we ask (or simply wait watchfully to be shown) who our kids want to be.

This kind of acceptance represents a huge subject, the core of unschooling, and it has many parts. Education and learning styles, socialization and manners, whether kids should be "toughened up" or protected, whether parents should discipline their kids, nutrition, hygiene, chores, and even financial issues. I might go into more depth on some of those in later posts, but for now, here are some principles we live by:

• Our kids are okay just the way they are.

I should highlight that one or something. It's huge. If you really want to "get" unschooling, meditate on that concept for a while.

• If our kids are not okay (unhappy times, challenges to face, something missing from life, etc.), it's our job to help them find the resources or tools they need to get back to being okay.
• Our kids are, at all times, learning and changing, and it's our job to be attentive to and supportive of that.
• If our kids are having fun, they're learning at top speed. It's our job to facilitate fun.
• We trust that our kids will learn what they need to know, when they need to know it. There is no lesson, academic or social, that has to be learned by a certain age, and parental embarrassment is not a good reason for shaming a child.
• There is no good reason for shaming a child.
• We trust that our kids will, on their own, fill their time with the activities that are best suited to their moods, needs, interests, and natural learning processes.
• It's our job to provide a resource-rich environment for our kids, no matter how messy it makes the house.
• We have no idea what our kids might accomplish if encouraged, and it's not our job to make them "face reality." When offered the Great Gift of a glimpse into their dreams and wishes, we don't have to be their voice of reason or the rain on their parade. We just have to say, "Oh, cool! How can I help?"
• It is much better to say "yes" than "no," even if it is a qualified "yes." For example, I might say, "Yes, we can go to the mall just as soon as I finish this blog post" instead of "No, not right now." It's a little thing, but all those yeses add up to a much more positive atmosphere.
• The lifestyle we are living was our choice (meaning mine and Frank's); supporting the lifestyle is our responsibility and not something to be foisted off on the kids. This includes caring for the house we live in.
• A kid who is acting out, angry, frustrated, or crying is a kid who needs help and understanding. And maybe some food. It's the adult's job to stay calm, step back, try to see through the kid's eyes, and listen.
• Kids need space to feel their emotions instead of pressure to stifle them. (Small kids might also need help identifying their emotions; sometimes hearing a description of what they're feeling is all they need in order to calm down.)
• Punishment has no place in our home.

Well, that turned into a long list, but it really comes down to trust and acceptance. We trust our kids to learn and grow and thrive in the loving home we provide, and we accept them, as-is.

The unavoidable opposite of acceptance is rejection. I think adults inadvertently aim a lot of little rejection darts at the kids in their lives, thinking they're doing the kids a favor by attempting to "fix" trait x, y, or z. Knock it off! Just love them and trust that they'll get it all figured out in their own good time. They will!

I'm speechless (but probably not for long)

Bulletproof backpacks for kids returning to school:
http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_13653.aspx
http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=1016084

Oh, yeah, school's a good place for socialization.

Do you really want to be that guy?

We all have our preferences. Frank hates finding electronics left on in an empty room. I hate reaching for the scissors only to discover that whoever used them last didn't put them away.

When I was growing up, it often seemed that our house revolved around the preferences of my former stepfather. We weren't to have snacks after school for fear of spoiling our dinner, even though lunch had been several hours before. My mother was not to drive us to school because it would do us good to walk. The primary result of his tyranny was a lot of quiet rebellion: Mom drove us to school anyway (despite his occasionally spying on her to "catch her" doing it!), and my sister and I had snacks anyway.

The secondary result was that we all lived in fear of his anger. He was that guy, the one whose family dreaded his arrival home from work, the one whose family was quietly relieved when he went away again.

I think a lot of families have a guy like that. I have been that guy, and I don't mean before unschooling. Up until a couple years ago, I was going into work every day and then arriving home to whatever state the house was in. My unschooling readers—especially the working parents among my unschooling readers, and doubly especially my mom who occasionally drops by my house—can understand what it's like to walk into an unschooling house at some random moment. To the untrained eye, it's chaotic. To the trained eye—meaning the eye of a person like me who knows that life and learning are messy...

It's still chaotic.

There is a rhythm to an unschooling day, but you kind of have to be in it to see it. When I'm in the house with her, I know that Chloe's pile of notebooks is spread across the couch while she herself is painting at the kitchen table because something she discovered or thought of while working in those notebooks inspired her, and she rode that inspiration straight to her easel. Or maybe she was writing and needed to look something up on the Internet, and then she got drawn into a really fun Facebook conversation with her friends (socialization!).

When I'm home with her, I understand how this happens. I see the sparks. I hear her peals of laughter from the computer, or I see a painting in progress and hear her animated descriptions of her vision. And I know that she knows the notebooks are there, and I know she has every intention of getting back to them. It all makes sense. There's no chaos. The abandoned-for-the-moment notebooks are part of the rhythm. Do I know there might come a time when I need to ask her to clear the couch so we can sit down? Sure. But there's typically no urgency around that awareness.

When I'm working away from home, it's easy to forget all that. It's easy to walk in the front door and see

M E S S

"Come on, guys," I whine or snarl (depending on how tired I am). "Can you clean up a little, please?"

What changes for my family is the insertion of that guy into their happy unschooling rhythm. I become the random moment at which they must interrupt their flow and take care of MY needs.

In a little more than a week, I am starting a new job that will take me out of the house again. This post is my statement of intention to not return to being that guy. I am resolved to enter my home as if I'm an explorer, one who has every expectation of discovering all the wonder and creativity and unique joy that I missed while I was away.

What unschooling looked like yesterday

Chloe spent the early morning working on an Anime Music Video (AMV), which is a little movie made of anime clips, usually themed, set to one or more songs. Unfortunately, the thing crashed just as she was completing it and she lost most of her work. This is an excellent example of how unschoolers learn to deal with the frustrations life throws their way. (Some people argue that, because we say "Yes" to our kids so much, unschooled kids are too sheltered from real life. These people seem to think we have to create or foster stress and unhappiness in our kids' lives, as if real life won't provide them with enough practice—in which case, I have to wonder why they think our kids need practice. It's not very logical, but it's another argument we come up against again and again.)

Starting our day with Chloe's tears was sad, but it was nice watching MJ offer comfort and computer assistance. They went off to the basement, where Chloe had been working, to see what they could salvage. Not having any luck, they cheered themselves up by watching Dane Cook comedy videos on YouTube. Then Chloe went to sleep there on the futon, and MJ started making AMVs of her own.

Sidebar about AMVs: These little movies are very clever. The creator must search through dozens of anime clips to find scenes that suit the music selections and/or the theme of the video. In many, one character is "singing" the song, so clips have to be located where the movements of the character's mouth fit the words of the song. MJ and Chloe have both made Fruits Basket "theme song" videos; these contain clips of each of the major characters in the show, with one song snippet per character. They've pulled together some varied and clever music choices. Another example is the "Green Fields of France" video Chloe made. The song is a rather political tune about a WWI soldier who dies on those green fields. Chloe watched someone else's AMV that used Full Metal Alchemist characters and decided to try one using Fruits Basket characters. It was a challenge, since (a) there are no soldiers in Fruits Basket, and (2) nobody dies. But she pulled together a great collection of clips, all very somber and moody, and made a cool little movie. On a lighter note, she made one set to "Come Dancing" that is full of dance scenes and chuckles.

In the afternoon, we set off for our second-week-in-a-row get-together with some other unschoolers. It was a gorgeous, hot day, so this gathering took place at our friends' house on Lake Roesiger. Oh, man, those kids had fun. They shivered their way into the lake a few times and ran around the yard throwing foam SCA javelins at each other and walked to the store for ice cream and just generally enjoyed each other's company.

When we got home at 8, tired and happy, MJ discovered that Verizon had deleted three batches of concert tickets from her inbox. Ack! Scary moment. (TicketMaster very kindly resent them this morning, so I don't have to pay back all the people MJ bought tickets for. Phew!)

While Frank, Chloe, and I watched House, MJ ran a load of laundry, planned AMVs, and thought about what she wants to wear when she works the Sons of Italy fundraiser spaghetti feed this Saturday. (She got her food handler's card on Monday, and we're going shopping for a red, white, and/or green apron today.) Then Frank, MJ, and Chloe settled in to watch Mind of Mencia while I read my book and fell asleep on the couch.

Academic interpretation: computer class, political science, phys ed, socializing and socialization, and whatever educators call it when they have students do art projects about literature. Ah, here's one thing Washington State says 8th graders will do: "Expand comprehension by analyzing, interpreting, and synthesizing information and ideas..." And then there's this:

"In eighth grade, students integrate observation skills and a variety of listening strategies to evaluate the effectiveness of auditory and visual information... They are able to analyze cultural principles, beliefs, and world views, including their own. Students use language and other communication strategies to find a common code for communication."

In other words, they'll do book reports, oral presentations, and art projects to illustrate their comprehension of what they've read, watched, and listened to. Hmmm, sounds like unschooling.

What unschooling looked like today

I can't believe it's been a month since my last post like this! Life is so fast.

MJ and Chloe are on a nightowl schedule right now, so I'll start this from last night.

Frank and MJ watched movies together last night, most with a sci-fi/horror bent. They finished up their mini-festival with some wretched Traci Lords disaster movie on the SciFi channel. You should have heard the blistering commentary drifting up the stairs! They were having a great time together, but there was scientific discussion about earthquakes and other phenomena, plus technical analysis of the craft of moviemaking.

Meanwhile, Chloe and I were hanging out upstairs. We read together some; talked about books; talked about translating unschooling activities into schoolish terms (she's fascinated by this); discussed global warming, the recent release of a rather grim draft report by a couple thousand of the world's scientists, and what our personal response to this report might be; talked about activism and what one person might (or might not) accomplish; talked about the human circulatory system, the benefits of stretching, and deep vein thrombosis; talked about the escapist value of traveling and flights of fantasy; talked about Ireland and England and the recent revelation/confirmation that the Irish and the English are, genetically speaking, one race and how it's cultural and political lines that separate them really; talked about the huge changes wrought on society by the Internet and how we don't really know the long-term effects of same. There's probably more. So, in schoolish terms, we hit on several branches of science, political science, sociology, history, and philosophy. And there's probably more.

After Frank and I crashed, MJ, who is not usually a nightowl, decided to see if she could stay up all night with the help of four frappuccinos. What do you know, she could! Health class, plus a little scientific method, plus a life lesson.

She spent the night writing. Enough said.

Chloe is habitually a nightowl and last night was no exception. She read some of "Hexwood" by Diana Wynne Jones, spent some time reading on fanfiction.net, created an illustrated fairy tale in a mini-book of her own design, and played pretend with her stuffed animals for a while. Oh, yes, and she and MJ had a whispered but nevertheless lively discussion in the livingroom at about six a.m., much to my dismay. Language arts obviously, art, imaginative play to explore interpersonal relationships, and socialization.

Today has been spent in individual pursuits. MJ is still awake and has done more writing. Now she and Frank are continuing their filmfest. Chloe is awake again and has been flitting between book and TV. Both girls and Frank have provided input into my blogging. We have about three hours left in this 24-hour-period, but I'm going to close this post out. There's enough here for you to get the idea. :-)

Socialization

As I type this, I have four teenagers in my livingroom. Two are residents, two are guests. They are talking to four people on AIM and two by phone.

So much for the isolation of homeschooling. :-)

What unschooling looked like today

MJ spent most of the day working: my mom hired her to dogsit Angelo for the day. Since this is not an especially labor-intensive task, she also did some reading and movie viewing. She finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer, a book we all enthusiastically recommend and which, academically speaking, covers more subjects that I can list. I'm not sure what movies she watched, will update later if I remember to get more details.

The work part of her day involved administering doggie medicines and food and acting as walk companion.

Chloe spent the day visiting unschooling pals Logan, Hunter, and Kyla. Sounds like it was a very physical day, with lots of running around shooting each other with Airsoft guns. (Don't worry, they wear goggles!)

Frank and I had a rare day sans kids. We used part of it to start our Christmas shopping, because we're anticipating a very busy November and December since MJ will have driver's ed three nights a week. Plus driving practice. Oy. Anyway, after shopping, we watched Casablanca.

MJ stayed over at my mom's, but late Saturday night, we went out to pick up Chloe. I'd been feeling headachy on and off all evening, and somehow the round trip out to Snohomish did me in. I had my usual, best-not-discussed-in-public response to a migraine the minute we got home, then put myself right to bed. By morning, I was fine. Very odd; I don't think I've had a migraine since I was 16.

Academic translations (excluding parental activities):
Development of A Sense of Responsibility
Physical education
Socialization
Lesser included subjects: math, history, physics, English, sociology, French, geography, psychology of grief, human anatomy, etc.

What unschooling looked like yesterday in MJ's words

One of the perils of being a working mom is that I sometimes get disconnected from what's happening at home. This is such a time, and since I wanted this month's "What unschooling looked like" post to be about a day at home instead of a day at the Oregon Country Fair, I had to ask the girls to describe their day for me. We picked yesterday.

Well, I've just received MJ's description of her day. She ought be be writing this blog! So, here's yesterday, in MJ's words:

Woke up with a sore throat, thought I had Chloe's cold, so I called in sick to Hope for Horses, but it wore off later. Watched Return of the Living Dead. Had a fight with Chloe over yogurt, of all things. Fight was resolved. Had pseudo White Castle burgers, continued the movie. Watched The Fifth Element and updated my profile on MySpace. At the same time. Yay for multitasking!

Then I got the brilliant idea to convince my still-sick sister to go to the thrift store with me. It took me quite a while and I composed a list of things I'd do if she came:

Things MJ Will Do If Chloe Goes to the Thrift Store
1. Buy her Toblerones
2. Buy her Things at the Store
3. A Fuckin' Happy Dance
4. Develop Contacts Within NASA and Send Her to the Moon
5. Write Another Chapter of My FanFic
6. Write 55 Pages of Vanguard in a Week
7. Let her Tug On My Piercings Once They're (Gotten and) Healed
8. Take her to get her Laptop Fixed
9. Take AMAZING MySpace Photos Of Her
10. Once her Laptop Is Fixed, I'll Make Her 4 AMVs With Songs of her Choosing
11. Help her look Fabulous (or not) On Any Day Of her Choosing . . . Ever
12. Dance With Her At Steve and Mary's Wedding
13. Watch .hack//SIGN, Deathnote, Tokyo Mew Mew and Any Others.
14. Help Her Write *Eight Days a Week* and *Madame Sarah's School For Strangers*
15. Stop Bugging her to Go to Concerts
16. Take her to IRELAND!!!
17. Find Loki and Make Friends.

She agreed and we got ready, went to the bank, crossed the street to the bus stop, waited, bought gum, waited, got on the bus and went to the Thrift Store. I looked for clothes for Rocky Horror and Chloe looked for dresses. She tried on two fancy ones and I took pictures. We shopped some more, added up how much we were spending and checked out. The guy that rang us up was the hot gay guy I saw at Pride. We chatted with him about Rocky Horror while we checked out. He said he liked my shirt (the one with the rib bird cage).

We left and got on the bus for home. We got off and went to the grocery to get the promised Toblerones (and to look for Vincente, Sexy Bagger Boy), but they had none. We got a Snapple and walked home. Chloe put on her dress and showed Alecia and Lilly [neighbors] and I showed them what I'd bought. Went inside, found the hot glue gun, and listened to Countdown while I glued, in tiny pearl beads, the letters D-A-N-C onto the red shoes I bought. In time, they'll say Dance the Blues. Checked MySpace. Sewed up a hole in my jeans, made the lace gloves I bought into fingerless lace gloves. Read FanFiction, drank Snapple, blah blahh blahhh.

Talked to Conor on MySpace for a while and I was made a Goddess. I declared that the 11th Commandment was 'Thou Shalt Watch Fight Club.' We talked anime, then I went to bed, but not before writing a journal entry about Cody, Alex Beam, and Conor. Woke up this morning and got on MySpace. Talked to Madelyn, tried to make plans for Rocky Votolato [rock band concert tonight], made plans for El Corazon [rock festival tomorrow night]. Downloaded a ton of music, listened to more, talked to Mom, showered. I have yet to eat. It's gonna be a good day.

Academic translation by Ronnie:
Clearly, writing was involved! :-)
Art of negotiation
Socializing and socialization and lots of it
Home ec
Art class
Current events
Math at the bank and while shopping

About MySpace:
Beyond its value for socializing, "playing" on MySpace leads to a lot of learning. To achieve the profile one desires, one might have to learn some HTML coding, look up facts, or do art projects (such as MJ's Visual DNA, a collage of images and words that illustrate her view of herself). And then there's the conversations! I stay out of her MySpace business for the most part, but I can give you two examples from my own recent MySpace cruising:
1) I joined a group called Grammar Geeks. We talk about grammar. It's really fun, really wonderful to be in the company of so many people who write well, and I've learned a few things I never knew.
2) Every so often, a quiz comes through. I recently got to think up a variety of words that start with the first letter of my name. It was challenging, creative, and fun, and I Googled a couple of different things in my effort to provide unique and interesting answers. (Using Google always leads to learning, in case you were unaware!)

About the movies:
"Return of the Living Dead" is a spoof zombie flick that contains lots of cultural reference jokes. MJ gets all the jokes. I've learned not to underestimate the value of this kind of knowledge! There are no ivory towers around here.

"The Fifth Element," besides being a visual treat and an entertaining movie, deals with some interesting themes: what it means to be human and whether sacrifices to preserve humanity are worthwhile.

Chloe's description is still forthcoming, so I might post more later.

Unschooling meme

I imagine my answers will be somewhat similar to Frank's, but that's okay, since his answers are what inspired me to do this one anyway.

Unschooling versions provided by Linda Wyatt.

1. Original question: What time do you get up?
Unschooling version: What sleep schedules do people in your house have? Do you all have fairly similar schedules, or not? Are you the kind of people who wish things were open 24/7?

I am usually the first one awake. When I'm working, I get up about 8. When I'm not working, I wake up about that same time but might not actually get out of bed for a good while after that. Frank and MJ aren't far behind me. Chloe usually surfaces about noon or one but might be awake in her room for a while before that; she loves hanging out in her room.

I like the convenience of open-all-night businesses, but our hours tend to be more conventional than that. Except I tend to do our banking at about 10 p.m. Not sure why.

2. Original question: What do your children wear to school?
Unschooling version: Do you know any good sources for great stuff to wear? Some examples: vests with lots of pockets, good boots, lightweight jackets with a sleeve pocket for pens, comfortable cotton tees with interesting designs. Anything you have that you love that other people might not know about?

We shop at the thrift store when there's something in particular we're looking for. "Something in particular" ranges from jeans to cosplay supplies to just something new. Lately, MJ loves Wet Seal. I like finding things on the clearance rack at Target: cheap, comfortable, nothing I'm going to be too sad to find stained or worn out.

Significant portions of our wardrobes bear unschooling conference logos.

3. Original question: What curriculum have you tried and hated? What have you tried and loved?
Unschooling version: Any good references to suggest? Websites, catalogs, whatever? Any that you have found that tend to be suggested by folks, that you really didn't find useful? Favorite books?

I love Wikipedia. Everything is in there, and while it is generally pretty well researched, it inspires critical reading. The "Needs citation" notes are brilliant for that.

IMDB.com is really fun. (Did you know Kevin Pollack is one of the brownies in Willow? I've seen that movie dozens of times and didn't notice til Frank and the girls pointed it out the other night. Still disbelieving, I went straight to IMDB to confirm. Conversation and research all took place while the movie was rolling.)

Speaking of that, having a laptop is a FABULOUS resource. Portable information, entertainment, communication, networking, computing.

We go to the library about once a week, Half Price Books about once a month, other book stores and Amazon.com as needed.

Any video entertainment your kids want to watch is another fabulous resource. And I do mean Any. Video. Entertainment. I can't begin to list all the learning that has been inspired and/or reinforced by TV shows, movies, and video games. It's astonishing to me that the educational establishment is so completely missing the boat on this.

4. Original question: Who is your most inspirational homeschooling role model?
Unschooling version: How did you decide to unschool? Do you have any good sources of info to share? Anyone in particular who helped you make this choice?

The collected minds on unschooling.com were my primary inspiration. Actually, my first reaction was, "These people are really out there!" But as I read a lot (LOT) of information about homeschooling, those unschooling voices kept calling me. The seeds were planted, and I began to see in our lives—even while our kids were in school—what the people "out there" were talking about. By the time we officially pulled our kids out of school, I was 80% an unschooler. One math lesson after that, it was closer to 90%.

5. Original question: Abeka, Charlotte Mason, unschooling, or Classical?
Unschooling version: What kinds of ways do your family members learn about stuff these days?

Books and videos and the Internet. Personal interaction with other people.

But the biggie? Conversation. Conversation is what ties it all together.

6. Original question: Favorite response to “What about socialization?”
Unschooling version: How do you talk to people who ask clueless questions about unschooling? Any favorite stories? Suggestions for dealing with family members who are fearful or critical?

The main thing we get is that unschooling works for us because our kids are so bright. Countering that is tough, because, well, of course I think my kids are the most amazing people on the planet!

And it is true that our unschooling is tailored to their strengths. Our unschooling tends to be somewhat cerebral. We do a lot of things that are pleasing to the academically inclined: lots of words, lots of writing, lots of reading. And my kids actually enjoy their state-mandated standardized testing. They test well, producing lovely, academically reassuring annual test scores.

But I try to explain that unschooling works because all kids, regardless of their so-called intelligence quotients, thrive when they get to pursue what matters to them. I know a lot of unschoolers, and they are all bright and amazing. Most of the time, I have no idea—literally NONE—where those kids would rank in a classroom setting or how they would score on a standardized test. Who cares?

WHO CARES?

What matters is that they are bright, happy, interesting, accomplished, engaged and engaging. Unschooling doesn't only work for kids of "above-average intelligence," or kids whose parents are teachers, or kids who can recite the alphabet while twirling a baton, or any other limiting factor.

Unschooling works because the unschooled individual has the time and support to follow the interesting byways that lead to real learning.

7. Original question: Favorite subject?
Unschooling version: What are you guys up to these days? What are you doing that is so terrific that you think others should hear about it?

Hmm. Lots of music around here since about January. Actually, for MJ, music is a driving force and has been for years. But we're all playing with musical instruments lately. I can play "Sympathy for the Devil" on the guitar! And my love for African drumming continues.

I learned to hula hoop at LIFE is Good. I've never been able to do it before. My (adult) friend Dana said three words and *poof*, I could hula hoop. (The three words were "make smaller motions.")

I've been exploring the effects of shame on kids and am formulating a new unschooling presentation.

I have put out some feelers and am probably returning to work in July.

We're doing lots (LOTS) of socializing. Movies tomorrow. Gathering of unschoolers on Thursday. Maia is staying over Thursday night. And there's something this weekend, but I'm drawing a blank. Where'd I put my calendar?

Qacei and Chloe want to get together. Mental note: Find calendar. Find blank space on calendar.

8. Original question: Favorite field trip ever?
Unschooling version: Been anywhere cool? Where? Have any stories to share about adventures you've had? I'd be especially interested in hearing about adventures to places that few people know about. Pictures, too.

Frank got into some of our travels, so I'm going to think smaller (but no less precious).

When the Waynforths were here in May, we toured the Boeing facility here in Everett. Despite living no more than 15 minutes from this facility for most of my life, I had never been before. We got to see the first ever 787. We got to sit in the cockpit of a jet and flip all the switches we wanted to. Simon and Linnaea flew a simulator, and MJ blew up a bit of (simulated) desert with a (simulated) missile.

The next day, we stuck chewing gum on a very colorful wall in Post Alley near the Pike Place Market. And we visited the Seattle Aquarium, where MJ and Chloe looked at every creature in the place and played and laughed just like their younger counterparts.

Later, we ate Thai food, and then we visited the Fremont Troll and his pet VW bug, a gigantic but whimsical art installation under Highway 99. The kids took turns sitting on the troll's head.

For some quiet time, we watched "Firefly" and played a card game the name of which is escaping me right now. Munchkins? Is that it?

This is IT, folks. Exploring. Playing together. Talking about it all. Pretending to pull boogers out of a troll's nose. The good stuff!

9. Original question: Best thing about homeschooling?
Unschooling version: we can pretty much leave this one as-is. What have you found to be the most rewarding about how your family lives?

Being together. Knowing my kids. Opening up my own world by being open to theirs. Experiences.

Before LIFE is Good, I painted one window on our van with these words:

LIVE LOVE LAUGH LEARN

(See photo here)

That's the best thing about unschooling, having all of those L-words bundled up into one lovely lifestyle.

10. Original question: Sports, music, or art?
Unschooling version: I still don't know where to go with this question. Care to share any interesting things you've done or are doing in any of these fields? Anything you've had time to delve into that you might not have if you were busy doing schoolwork?

MJ played volleyball for a while, sometimes with Frank. Chloe hates competitive sports. Frank and I are moderately avid football and baseball fans, and we've had some lovely family outings to Safeco Field, a cathedral to baseball. Chloe and I walk together occasionally. Frank has his sword arts.

Frank goes into some detail about our music. I'll just mention that I've learned guitar chords from all three of them, which I absolutely love. Building my guitar skills is a family project! :-)

Both girls draw, especially Chloe with her manga. She recently drew a whole set of Norse gods and goddesses in manga style, very detailed and clever drawings that reveal the depth of her knowledge of Norse mythology. MJ is a beautiful photographer (and she takes pretty pictures, too! ba-doom). I crochet scarves every now and then. We all take occasional advantage of our shelf of art supplies.

I don't know if school would have kept us from any of that, but there would have been a lot less of all of it.

11. Original question: Beautiful script handwriting, or lightning fast accurate typing?
Unschooling version: Don't know where to go with this question, either, since I don't really understand why it was even asked. Make something up.

MJ has the prettiest handwriting of all of us. She can write in italics. It's nifty!

Chloe and Frank write like typical Maiers. But both can do pretty when it matters. Chloe's captions on her art, for instance, are very flowing and artsy.

I touch type, except I look at the keyboard whenever I want to. Frank hunts and misses. The girls have developed their own keyboarding methods and are really fast.

12. Original question: Best one stop shopping for school books?
Unschooling version: Best place to get books? Or other things, too, like some of those fabulous websites that have all sorts of really cool toys and equipment. Where do you find cool stuff?

Our favorite stores to visit lately are those that sell musical instruments. And I love Fair Trade stores.

13. Original question: One subject you didn’t get to this week:
Unschooling version: What do you wish you had time for this week that you didn't fit in?

The important stuff always gets squeezed in. Time is usually not the problem: I often wish I had more willpower. Chloe (who loves burrowing into her room with books and her sketchpad and piles of dirty dishes) periodically laments the lack of long stretches of time without fun social stuff to do.

14. Original question: What will you do when you run out of kids to teach?
Unschooling version: What ways have you found to continue your own learning? What kinds of things have you gotten interested in since having kids? Do you have any particular plans once fewer people live in your house, whenever that may be?

I'm more open to my own learning than I was before unschooling. I've learned (ha!) to recognize all the learning I do.

New interests since unschooling: African drumming, guitar, blogging, public speaking, sexy backup singing, growing things until I get bored and everything dies, reading historical romance novels (I now know so much more about world history than I learned in school!), birdwatching, Tai Chi... Probably more.

Frank and I want to travel more. Maybe the girls will take over the nest and we'll go be fledglings.

15. Original question: Ever give school books as holiday or Birthday gifts?
Unschooling version: What's the best book gift you have ever given? Gotten?

We give books all the time. Chloe loves getting a box full of manga. I love getting gift certificates to book stores. Possibilities!

16. Original question: Better late or early (delay formal education at home, or start as young as possible?)
Unschooling version: (1) Are there some things you find you prefer a class structure for? (2) What alternatives have you found for learning things most people think can only happen in a class? (3) Do different members of your family have different learning styles, and if so, can you tell me a little about that and how it has affected how you do things?

First, the original question: Start early to strew wonderful things in your children's lives. Delay formal instruction until the kid asks for it (if he ever does).

(1) No.

(2) Fiction. Stories are amazing teachers. Videos, books, comic books, video games, funny pages, and whatever comes out of the imagination. They all lead to more, more, more.

Also, learning by snippets. Most people think you have to sit down for 50 minutes every day for three months and study subject X. Actually, humans are quite capable of connecting and sorting out snippets learned years apart in vastly different venues.

(3) I wrote about this here.

An intro to unschooling

This weekend, I answered an e-mail inquiry from a friend of a friend. She has a couple of small kids and is researching homeschooling. My reply ended up being pretty all encompassing, so I thought I'd put it here, too, as a resource.

(Full disclosure: This is, of course, slightly edited from the version I sent her, because I can never just hit Publish Post without rereading and editing.)

Let me start by saying that I envy you your chance to avoid sending your kids to school. Our daughters went to elementary school until the middle of their 4th and 3rd grade years. Chloe had a significantly awful 1st grade year, during which time she had suicidal thoughts and wrote about hating herself. But we got through it and her 2nd grade year was better, and they are both dream students from an academic perspective, so our overall feeling was that they were doing okay. We were pretty unimpressed, though. They were in Everett's gifted program and still we were going, "Is this it?"

Then Chloe started showing some early warning of being unhappy again, and I started looking into homeschooling. There was no way I was going to put her or us through that again. We thought initially that MJ would stay in school, because she is very social and was happy with her friends. But after they had both been home for more than a month due to a combination of chicken pox and winter break, MJ said she wanted to stay home, too. They've been home ever since, and we haven't regretted it for one moment.

Well, we are coming up on six years of homeschooling. The girls are 16 and 14. And do you know what? We are still seeing the effects of that time they spent in school. Chloe is an instinctive mathematician who before school used to beg us to give her story problems to do. Then came the awful day when she came home from school and announced that she hated math. She is only now getting over her resistance to "formal" math (as opposed to real life math, which she does all the time).

As you might imagine, my strongest advice to you as parents of young children is "Don't send your kids to school." Any school, public or private, can lead to the kind of damage we've seen in our kids. We thought trying school would be a harmless experiment, something we could change our minds about if needed, but we did lasting harm to our kids' curiosity and natural joy in learning.

My strongest advice to you as new homeschoolers is to take it slow. There are as many ways to homeschool as there are kids. You do not need to (and should not, IMO) re-create school in your home. That will just make you the perpetrators of the damage. Instead, take advantage of the amazing flexibility that homeschooling offers. Learning can happen by being out in the world, interacting with it and contributing to it, instead of only by sitting at a table with papers and books.

Next, open your mind to the possibility that all those experts running our schools don't know everything about how kids learn, and they certainly don't know about *your kids*. You are the expert there. You know best how to engage your kids, what will intrigue them, and how to make learning fun and rewarding for them.

You can start now. Notice what makes your kids' eyes light up with interest and enthusiasm. That is your best starting place: that spark. Chloe provided us with our first example of how that spark opens the door to learning. It began with her Harry Potter-inspired interest in magic. We brought home an Eyewitness Book (wonderful books!) about the history of witchcraft, which interestingly enough turned out to be the history of the world. We took her (our 7 year old!) to an exhibition of medieval torture devices, things used at one time to force people to confess to being witches. She started reading books on Wicca, and ended up building an altar with her dad, measuring and cutting and using tools.

Lately, she is passionate about manga and anime. This has led her to learn a surprising (to me) amount of Japanese, study mythology, take up drawing, write stories, and so much more.

For MJ, it has always been about multimedia. She has the most amazing collection of music on her iPod, encompassing a huge range of styles, periods, and countries. She writes beautifully and has two fantasy novels under her belt. She uses movies and television as a powerful learning tool (in the process teaching me that TV is not the evil I once thought it was). And she has an eye for image and design that has led her to become a truly wonderful photographer.

Through all of this, they have been free to be themselves without the pressures to conform and perform that their schooled friends are experiencing. And our freedom from the school schedule has allowed us to be together, take trips, and participate in our homeschooling community in ways that have enriched our lives beyond our wildest imaginings.

And do you know what? Our experience is typical of the people who homeschool the way we do. It is purely child-led, with the parents as partners and facilitators and playmates, and it works. Throw out everything you've been told about kids needing to be taught. It's not true. They want to learn, they are driven to learn and explore, and if you let them, they will open up the world to you like it hasn't been since you were toddlers yourselves.

Here are some resources for you to check out:

BOOKS
- Anything and everything by John Holt, but especially "How Children Learn" (http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=john+holt)

- Linda Dobson's "Homeschooling Book of Answers" (http://www.fun-books.com/authors/Linda_Dobson.htm) Good overview of a variety of homeschooling approaches. She is *not* related to James Dobson.

- Rue Kream's "Parenting a Free Child" (http://www.freechild.info/) I love, love, LOVE this book.

- Mary Griffith's "The Unschooling Handbook: How to use the whole world as your child's classroom" (http://www.amazon.com/Unschooling-Handbook-Whole-Childs-Classroom/dp/0761512764/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224967760&sr=1-1)

- David and Micki Colfax's "Homeschooling for Excellence" (http://www.amazon.com/Homeschooling-Excellence-David-Colfax/dp/0446389862)

- Cafi Cohen's "And What About College?" (http://books.google.com/books?id=xyYSHgAACAAJ&dq=Cafi+Cohen&source=an&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=4&ct=result)

- Grace Llewellyn's "Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to quit school and get a real life and education" (http://lowryhousepublishers.com/TeenageLiberationHandbook.htm) Not just for teens! Truly inspiring.

WEB SITES
- National Home Education Network http://www.nhen.org/
- Washington Homeschool Organization http://www.washhomeschool.org/
- Washington State's "Pink Book" - home ed regulations http://www.k12.wa.us/privateed/homebaseded/PinkBook/pinkbook.pdf
- Family Learning Organization http://www.familylearning.org/ Resources for meeting Washington's test and assessment requirements at home. We use the standardized test option because it's easy and my kids kind of enjoy it.
- Unschooling Pages http://www.sandradodd.com/unschooling Fabulous resource for the type of homeschooling we do.

MY BLOG
I've written a lot about our unschooling journey. These links will take you to most of it.
http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/2008/05/thursday-13_15.html (Unschooling FAQ)http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/search/label/unschooling
http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/search/label/unschoolingtoday
http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/search?q=socialization

CONFERENCES
Tooting my own horn a little because I'm speaking, but I strongly encourage you to come to the LIFE is Good Unschooling Conference in Vancouver next May. It is SO fun, and you will get to see for yourself the bright minds and strong relationships that unschooling fosters.

http://www.lifeisgoodconference.com/

Good Vibrations in San Diego next September is another terrific option! We're hoping to go to that, too.

OTHER
There are more Yahoo groups on homeschooling than you can count. For unschoolers locally, Eastside Unschoolers is pretty active and not limited to the Eastside. Sandra has other unschooling lists linked on this page of her site:
http://sandradodd.com/lists/other

And this one is new but very active:
http://familyrun.ning.com/

Well, this is probably more than you were after, so I'll wind down now. Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck, and enjoy yourselves! Homeschooling is supposed to be fun!

Ronnie

Thursday 13

Thirteen Frequently Asked Questions About Unschooling

When we first started unschooling, I would get on the (now defunct) unschooling.com message boards and ask at least one question just about every day. These quickly became "Dragonfly's Question of the Day," and the women and men who answered me showed considerable patience and creativity in their replies.

Nowadays, I answer a fair number of newbie questions myself, primarily on the unschooling.info message boards. I mostly enjoy it, and I am mostly patient in my replies. Creative? Not so much. There are only so many ways to answer the same questions.

So, here are some FAQs and my answers to them, with some answers swiped (from myself) right from the boards.

1. How will my kids learn anything if I don't teach them?

They will learn the way adults learn. Something will catch their interest, they will explore it until they are satisfied (for now), and then they'll move on. Later, they'll learn something else that reminds them of that thing they learned before, and they'll make a connection. "Oh, hey, that's like..."

True knowledge is made up of those connections, and that's what unschoolers value.

2. I'm ready to try unschooling, but my spouse isn't convinced. What do I do?

Remember that your spouse's concerns stem from the same place that your interest in unschooling does: concern for your kids. Then, from that place of shared concern, ask to be given some time to explore this intriguing way of homeschooling. Share some resources. Encourage participation. Ask for a moratorium on criticism of how the kids' time is spent.

As an aside, I'm not entirely sure why Frank went along with it. It was a big leap for such an academically minded guy. Maybe it was faith in me, maybe it was faith in our kids, maybe it was a simple desire to be agreeable and get me to be quiet. :-) Whatever. He signed off on the experiment, and no more than three months later found himself in the role of stay-at-home unschooling dad. And here we are...

3. How do we start?

Relax. Take your summer vacation now (even if it's the dead of winter). Say "Yes" a lot. Have fun. Play with your kids. Watch. Wait. Stay calm.

Get it.

Strew.

From March 2006:
[Strewing] involves making a wonderful variety of resources available to your kids with no expectation or requirement that the resources ever be used. These can be books, toys, or supplies left casually on tables or in bathrooms or presented quietly or with fanfare directly to your child. They can be posters hung on walls, craft or music or gaming activities that *you* start, Web pages left open on the computer, magazines subscribed to, alternate driving routes taken, etc. It is SO fun to do, and it creates an environment of discovery and fun in your house.

The things you strew can be in support of interests your [child] has expressed or about just any old thing you think of. In the recent past, I've strewn my daughters' paths by:

• Leaving http://www.WorldWideWords.org open on the computer to the page outlining the origins of the phrase "mind your p's and q's," which my daughter had asked about in passing one day. (She read it and then continued surfing the site.)
• Taking the whole family to a dirt-bike event. (Fun for all four of us.)
• Bringing home some bargain books on poetry and art, plus a history book called "Lies My Teacher Told Me," that really grabbed everybody's attention! :-) (All three books have been flipped through, but it was my dh who read the history book cover to cover.)
• Bringing home a new XBox game called Gotham Racing or something like that. (We've all played, the girls laughed SO much together. The XBox was on for at least a couple of hours every day for a week or so; now it's been off for days.)
• Leaving out a book I already own about building catapults. (No takers yet.)
• Inviting over a friend and her 12yo son whom my girls had never met before. (A very fun evening. One of the highlights was my friend's son completely un-self-consciously demonstrating a folk dance he'd learned.)

All this happened in and around all our usual activities. Actually, there's been nothing usual about our schedule these past few weeks, which goes to show how little time strewing can take! But never doubt that your usual activites can provide a lot of strewing, too. In our case, we've been making arrangements for my younger daughter's departure to England (lots of history and geography and tidbits gleaned), and I've been doing a lot of networking to arrange some get-togethers with local unschoolers because my older daughter wants to meet more people. And then there's work and going to watch my dh earn his first Iaido (Japanese swordsmanship) ranking and, oh yeah, HOURS of prep work for my younger daughter's 12th birthday party on Saturday — she wants to do about a dozen projects out of this wizard party book she found at the library. We're making candied rose petals today — a first for me in several ways, and yet another example of how they strew *my* path with interesting things.

4. What is deschooling?

From Feb. 2004:
Your son needs to deschool... He *needs* to play those games. He needs it the same as he needs food to eat and air to breathe. Try thinking of the time he spends on those games as chemotherapy. If he had cancer, you wouldn't begrudge him his treatments, right? Well, the schooling has been eating away at his joy, sense of self, curiosity and creativity, much like a tumor eats other cells.

Deschooling is an ongoing process whereby kids and parents recover from the sort of brain cancer that happens in school.

For kids, the cure for this cancer is simply time spent doing just whatever they want. Ideally, they have the unflinching support of their parents during this time.

How much time? The usual rule of thumb is one month of deschooling for every year spent in school. So, for example, I knew MJ was going to need approximately 5 months of deschooling time when we pulled her out of school in 4th grade.

Of course, "knowing" this and actually staying calm while it is happening are two very different things. My daughter watched TV for four months straight. Scary? You betcha. Did I offer unflinching support? Umm, not exactly. I probably artificially extended her deschooling with my periodic (frequent) "Don't you want to do something else?" comments.

Then it was summer and she went outside to play. But in September, when the neighbor kids went back to school, she returned to the TV. This time, however, she had her sketchbook on her lap and sketched while she watched TV. It was a change, and, fortunately, I recognized its significance and kept my big mouth shut.

Nowadays, MJ is still video-oriented, just like her dad. She probably always will be. But the TV is simply a tool that provides entertainment, learning, social opportunities, what have you, on demand (or On Demand), when she feels like it.

For parents, deschooling can take much longer. Or it comes in waves. We've been unschooling for more than five years, and Frank and I still have to monitor our thoughts, speech, reactions, expectations, etc. We still explore unschooling concepts regularly and talk about them with other unschooling parents. For us, living this life requires regular refresher courses. So to speak.

5. What do I tell the school district?

That you're homeschooling. You are! Recordkeeping requirements vary from state to state, but the most rigorous is probably New York, with its IHPs and portfolios and I don't know what all. And yet many unschoolers thrive in New York, without telling a single lie.

Start keeping a journal of your kids' daily activities. At intervals, translate what they've been doing into school-speak. You'll be surprised at how many age-specific learning objectives they touch on, naturally. Others, they'll touch on at different ages (oftentimes much earlier than the schools would introduce them), but they'll still get them.

They don't call 'em the basics for nothing. And a perusal of World Book's Typical Course of Study will show you exactly how basic the basics are.

6. That's fine for elementary school, but what about high school?

First off, question your assumptions. High school does not look the same for every student, and the high school years will not look the same for every unschooler. Some end up taking some courses. Some get intrigued by a subject and read college-level textbooks that Mom found for $1 on the clearance shelf at Half Price Books that have been gathering dust on the shelf at home for more than a year. Some learn skills on their own by following interests that lead them into jobs that become careers. And some do a combination of these.

Higher math. Chemistry. Foreign languages. Unschoolers study these things, because they want to or because they have a goal for which studying these things is a requirement. How do they study them? Just the way an adult would if the adult wanted or needed to study them.

Remember that MJ signed up for a credited community college class at 14!

A big part of an unschooling parent's job is finding ways for our kids to learn what they want to learn. It's just something we do. In our case, we're in an urban area with lots of resources, so it's not even that hard.

7. What about the ACT and SAT? Can unschoolers get into college?

Yes! To a college, an unschooler is a homeschooler. Homeschooler entrance requirements will vary from college to college. Cafi Cohen has written a good bit on the subject of homeschoolers getting into college:
http://www.fun-books.com/authors/Cafi_Cohen.htm

The ACT and SAT tests are open to homeschoolers.
http://homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/olderkids/CollegeTests.htm

In some states, a diploma can be issued by your school (your parents). Again, the acceptability of this document will vary from college to college. As will the acceptability of a GED.

The better question here is, how can this particular unschooler get into The School that will help her achieve her dreams? You can't plan for every college in the world. Pick the few that you are most interested in, learn their requirements, and then go from there.

And keep in mind that there's no law that says the applicant has to be able to meet their requirements by age 18 or any other magic number.

8. What about socialization?

More assumptions revealed. If you've got some time, I expound on this topic at length here.

9. Will my child fall flat, or fall short, if I don't push/encourage/expect?

Will your child fall flat if you *do*? It's possible. You can do damage with pushing and expectations.

But unschooling parents encourage our kids all the time, so I wouldn't group that with push/expect.

10. How will my kids learn self-discipline?

What do you mean by self-discipline? Do you mean the ability to stick with a plan? Do you mean the ability to do something unpleasant that just has to get done? Do you mean taking care of hygiene every day? All of those?

Ask yourself: How does schooling *really* contribute to any of that? Is schooling what made you into a responsible adult? Or was it real life (or natural inclination) that did that?

Both of my daughters have completed major projects. Both have faced frustrations and disappointments and persevered anyway. Both shower regularly and are "presentable" most of the time. Both have messy bedrooms that they have, at one time or another, voluntarily cleaned.
Both have helped us get ready for houseguests. :-)

Sound like regular kids, don't they?

11. I'm okay with unschooling for academics, but the radical unschooling lifestyle seems like too much! How do I relax about:
food choices
hygiene
appearance
chores
manners
time spent indoors/outdoors
time spent on TV/computers/video games/reading/etc. etc. etc.

For me, most of these boil down to societal expectations ("the shoulds"). Sure, some of them can be couched in terms of the child's health and welfare or future happiness, but I found when I examined them closely, and actually tried the unschooling way, that there wasn't any evidence that the societal way led to any better outcome than the unschooling way.

My biggest weapons for stripping away societal expectations and getting down to what was right for our family are "Why?" and "Why not?"

"Chloe should have her hair brushed (even though she hates it and it makes her cry)." Why?
"MJ shouldn't wear that skimpy top?" Why not?

Anytime the reason behind a "should" boils down to any form of "what will people think," I throw it out. That reasoning is simply not valid in our lives.

"But if I let them..." - Sandra has a great collection of the horrors that various parents have imagined over the years. Well, folks, I know a whole lot of unschoolers and not one of these dreaded outcomes has come to pass.

12. I've heard unschooling described as "unparenting." Do you neglect your kids?
(this is not usually asked outright but regularly implied)

You know, this is probably in the eye of the beholder. I don't force my kids to brush their teeth, so one might say I neglect their dental hygiene. This dad didn't force his daughter not to skip school, so a judge decided he was neglectful and put him in jail.

But in both cases, it comes down to the choices of the teens in question. In neither case are the teen's choices limited by a lack of supplies, options, or information.

Sure, I could run around screaming, "Respect my authoritah!" Okay, I admit it, that happens from time to time. The result is general hilarity and, yes, the respect I deserve. :-)

But I could do more than that. I could punish, withhold privileges, nag, threaten, shame, tease, and generally make a nuisance of myself. But what would it get me? Kids with cleaner teeth? Maybe. Kids with fewer cavities? Unlikely, since they have a total of about 3 fillings between them.

What I *know* it would get me—because I have lived it—is battles. A home full of battles.

No thanks.

13. What if we decide to unschool and it ruins our kids' lives?

What if you leave them in school and that ruins their lives? How is that path any safer than the unschooling path, when taking a quick spin on Google will show just how fraught with peril is school?

One of my earliest steps toward embracing unschooling was brought about by someone on the old unschooling.com boards asking me if I was sure school would prevent any of the things I was fearful of. The answer, of course, was no. (I should have known this better than anybody, since I'd already had a suicidal six-year-old by the time I asked.)

There are many people who force their kids to Do Everything Right who end up with angry and rebellious kids, kids who drop out of high school, unhappy-but-successful kids, or some combination of these. There are no guarantees. All you can do is choose how you will respond to the reality of life today. All you can do is choose the kind of parent you want to be today, the kind of life you want your kids to have today, and the kind of relationship you want with them today.

Everything else follows from that.