How to fight

I haven't blogged in so long that I thought I'd go ahead and post this here. I wrote it for Unschooling Partnerships, a new list on Yahoo! Groups where unschooling parents can discuss bringing the principles of unschooling into our marriages or partnerships.

--HOW TO FIGHT--

I grew up in an environment where disagreements were handled loudly. I used to store scathing things to say, and I always got the chance to use them. That is the method of communication I brought into my relationship with Frank.

Well. Let's just say it did not work very well. When I went into a conversation with Frank with either volume or accusations, that was pretty much the end of the conversation. A brick wall is more responsive and communicative than Frank when he feels attacked. I learned this pretty quickly, but I didn't have any other tools, so there was a stretch there where our disagreements were looooooooooooooooooong periods of silence. The tension in the room was all consuming.

By now, we've developed some better tools. These mean, first off, that we have fewer fights. We check in with each other earlier and nip a lot of them in the bud. Disagreements that do get to the angry stage tend to be short-lived because, essentially, we have learned how to fight more effectively.

I'll share some of our tools and habits here and look forward to hearing what
works for you.

Rule #1: Cardio. No, just kidding (although it probably wouldn't hurt). Our prime directive, as it were, is to use "I" statements. I feel, I want, I wish, I am hoping, I am trying to accomplish X. The minute we get into "you do this, you do that," the conversation is in trouble. Accusations beget defense, and we can't connect if we're defended against each other.

Take things one at a time. When our emotions (mine and his) are in a messy stew, we tend to lump disparate complaints into one Big Issue. As soon as we break them back down into their separate selves, we begin to see solutions instead of overwhelm.

Stay on target. I actually learned this from a manager whom I otherwise detested. She would listen very intently to side issues that cropped up, and then firmly direct the conversation back to her goal for the meeting. With us, if we start out talking about issue A and issue B comes up, we try to table issue B for the time being. That way, the main concern of whoever initiated the conversation doesn't get lost, and issue B will still be there whenever we have the time and energy to address it.

Avoid escalation. This is mostly for me. Frank never escalates. When he gets pissed, he clamps his mouth shut so tight I sometimes wonder if he'll ever get it open again. :-) But I react to hurts verbally and quickly, so I have learned over the years to check my reactions. I slow things down. I breathe. I ask for clarification. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" If the answer is yes, I try to respond with puzzlement instead of outrage: "I don't understand why you would say that."

Allow your partner's feelings. Feelings aren't always rational and logical. They aren't always fair. In fact, they often come from "old tapes," as Frank says, that are so emotionally charged that rationality, logic, and fairness are way out of reach. Try to have compassion for the hurt contained in those old tapes, even as you ask your partner to move forward with you.

Don't overreact. For whatever reason, having somebody mad at me sends me into a tailspin. I guess I'm phobic about anger. A week or so ago, Frank was mad at me and I didn't know why and he wasn't ready to talk about it. By the time we did talk about it, I had been through our entire divorce in my head. And this even after I had meditated on it and recognized how I was overreacting! Then of course, it was *nothing*, just a bad mood really, and boy, did I feel silly. Ah, well, learning all the time.

My last one is something about being solution-oriented. I'm having trouble articulating it, because so often our solution is to "go forth and sin no more." Maybe it's more about recognition than solution. It's about always moving out of the disagreement with renewed commitment to be kind, attentive, and responsive.

Other ideas?