I'm cleaning off my computer and found this bit that I wrote about spanking, in response to someone who believes that when kids are not "disciplined," it leads to problems. His argument was that kids heal from the hurt of discipline but flounder without it.
I have done it both ways. I spanked my kids, and then I stopped spanking them and started hugging them instead. ("When in doubt, hug" was my mantra.) I disciplined my kids, and then I stopped disciplining them and started listening to them instead. This little study, conducted in my house, with my own kids as both test subjects and control group, showed all too clearly what the effects of punitive discipline are. In a word, the effects are BAD. My kids when spanked were sadder, angrier, sneaky, defiant, rebellious, and starting to move away from me. As preschoolers! What they are now, at 17 and nearly 16, is happy, open, trusting, and both independent and attached (depending on the moment and the mood).
What unschooling parents do instead of discipline is modeling, coaching, and debriefing. The first speaks for itself; we are kind and polite and playful, so our kids learn to be kind and polite and playful. The second and third involve a gazillion small conversations before, during, and after an event. "Grandma will appreciate it if..." "When people ask for the magic word, they want you to say please." "If you need some quiet time during the party, just let me know." "If you need help getting Jessica to share, let me know." "The reason Billy got upset today was..." "You know what might help next time?" And so on and on and on.
In an intense situation, we simply *act*. For example, if a child goes near the road, we move the child. If a child is unable to cope with whatever is going on, we remove the child--not as punishment, but as a loving partner who is helping her.
What happens when kids are raised with respect and partnership instead of discipline (punishment) and authority is that *kids trust their parents*. They listen to us. They ask for our help. They look to us for cues on how to act. They talk to us about their experiences, hopes, ambitions, frustrations, and worries.
And when they get to be teens, they (and their friends!) still like spending time and talking with their parents. Every moment when our kids were younger where we chose to listen, trust, and respond instead of reacting with harshness or violence has paid off in spades.
So yes, healing is possible. After all, my kids were spanked and they are now well adjusted. But can I say they were unharmed by that time? Absolutely not.
Traveling, sleeping
2 hours ago
4 comments:
..."a gazillion small conversations" I've tried to explain this to people and this is an excellent way to phrase it. How many times is a kid hauled somewhere with no idea what to expect? Try talking to them. Try telling them what's going on -- what to expect, what to do/say when they're done. Nice response. This one is a keeper.
People used to think it was necessary to "spank" adult members of the community, military trainees, and prisoners. In some countries they still do. In our country, it is considered sexual battery if a person over the age of 18 is "spanked", but only if over the age of 18.
For one thing, because the buttocks are so close to the genitals and so multiply linked to sexual nerve centers, striking them can trigger powerful and involuntary sexual stimulus in some people. There are numerous physiological ways in which it can be sexually abusive, but I won't list them all here. One can use the resources I've posted if they want to learn more. All materials listed may be accessed at the website of Parents and Teachers Against Violence In Education at www.nospank.net.
Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:
Child buttock-battering (euphemistically labeled "spanking","swatting","switching","smacking", "paddling",or other cute-sounding names) for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research with the recommended reads-visit the website of Parents and Teachers Against Violence In Education at www.nospank.net.
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
American Psychological Association,
Center For Effective Discipline,
Churches' Network For Non-Violence,
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps,
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.
In 26 countries, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
I suspect the above comment is a spammish-form letter (given its emphasis on discipline when my post is about abandoning the entire concept of), but I'm going to leave it there for the resources it provides.
For the record, I do not condone disciplining in any of the usual ways, even those that are considered "positive."
Really well said - and done :-) The gazillion small conversations is so key and it's one of the big differences we notice between parents who have respectful, loving relationships with their kids and those who are more controlling. It seems like more effort but it works *so* well. I have always been impressed by the relationships I've witnessed between unschooled teens and their parents and really hope for the same with my children.
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