So, yesterday, as Frank was once again wading through stuff to get to a door, I decided (without thinking it through or stopping to wonder who had not slept much, who had not eaten, who was more frustrated than I thought, and who was perhaps exceedingly poised to melt down due to several intense workweeks in a row) that we were all feeling mellow and now might be a good time to discuss it. I started off chirpy and things went downhill from there. There was yelling, there were tears. I lost it worst of all and distributed my crap to the others in shamefully large helpings.
But by the end of the day, we had come up with a plan. I share it here, untested, in case it helps somebody else avoid the crappy part.
First, we each picked one or two things about the state of the house that are really important to us.
- Frank - clear walkways and having a place at the table to eat
- Ronnie - clean sinks and having a comfortable place to sit down in the livingroom (our main hanging-out space)
- MJ - having a clean glass in the cupboard, every time
- Chloe - having nobody walk on her things and having people ask before entering her room
In keeping with the unschooling tradition of "If it bothers you, take care of it yourself," we are each responsible for our own Tops. But we are also entitled to our Tops and can ask for/expect help in achieving them as needed. So, for example, MJ will monitor the inventory of glasses, but if Chloe has a bunch in her room, MJ can ask her to bring them up to the dishwasher (or she can ask for permission to go in and get them herself). Also, we'll be supplementing our supply of glasses today. And if Frank is taking out the trash and can't get to the door without walking on MJ and Chloe's latest project, he can ask them to move their stuff (satisfying two Tops in one).
As I said, it's untested, but I like it because nobody is responsible for *everything* (and I think Frank and I both felt we were previously). Plus, each person's Tops are completely reasonable things to wish for, and we all see that. I mean, nobody is asking for the house to be Queen Elizabeth-ready at all times. We just want to be able to live.
The second thing we did was to schedule a weekly trip to the Goodwill. I will be going every Saturday morning, as needed, for as long as it's needed, and we'll each add items to the weekly donation pile/bag/box as we encounter them. No need for a Clean Sweep (which alway strikes me as terribly intimidating and downright cruel). Instead, it'll be a gradual easing of the Stuff Overload.
There you have it. We'll see how it goes.
11 comments:
That actually sounds like a really good idea! Cleanliness/chores has really been a matter of contention in our house a lot recently, so maybe I should suggest this to the rest of the family...
I love this post. We (our family) talk about our "irritations list." The list of things in our surroundings that cause mental/physical/spiritual unrest in us, so that we can attend to those issues. So I love your Tops lists as well!
I was just telling Clint how much I enjoy reading your posts. As much as I enjoy the wonderful unschooly posts I read, I love how honest and real yours are. I read them and can *so* relate to what y'all go through as a family. So thank you for sharing your lives with us. I just love your family anyway, and these posts add to my reasons why. :-)
Thanks, Ronnie. I needed that.
We're doing a big clean-out here, preparing to get the house ready for potential buyers to walk through -- and ditching stuff we don't want badly enough to move with us to Hot Springs. Lots of trips to Goodwill!
Mark remembers when he was only 19 or 20 and in the Navy, and his family moved. They gave away or left behind a lot of his treasured, old Hot Wheels cars and models and things. They weren't being cruel, just didn't think he'd care. Well, boy, he STILL cares. :/
So, he is very understanding about things that the boys don't want to get rid of, even though we don't particularly want to bring said stuff with us.
That is what's keeping us -- me, I guess, he won't be home 'til Saturday -- from meltdown. When I'm feeling put-upon and harried, I try to remember that it isn't anyones intention to make me feel that way. We need a meeting like yours, I think. So far, we've all been emailing each other, even though the boys are in their rooms. :) I admit, I'm a little apprehensive about showing this house. ("Yes, Owen, the people will expect to see your room, too. It's part of the house.")
I am really not a fan of communal living. I have no problem providing for my loved ones, but I have this vision of us living in sort of a village caravan. Connected, but separate. Unfortunately financial reality dictates that we all live in the same space. I'm lucky that the people in my family don't have attachments to a lot of stuff, and that the attachments they do have I can (sort of) live with. I've had to adjust, though, to making myself responsible for keeping the house the way I like it. It takes a couple of hours a day when I choose to work on it. The biggest hurdle to get over wasn't the work itself -- it actually makes me feel better, more grounded, calmer -- it was the feeling that they should be responsible for their own mess. I have to keep reminding myself that I used to live with (what I thought of as) a neat freak, which opened my eyes to the fact that clean is not the default state of righteousness. It's all relative.
I also continue to do inner work on what was *really* bothering me -- was it the mess itself, or was it the embarrassment of it? For me, a lot of it actually is the latter. It turns out I can live with a *lot* of mess if there is no fear about someone seeing it. Which is disturbing to me, you know, that this is something that I let myself care about.
I've found that the more comfortable I am with my system, the less resentful I am having to be responsible for it. I initiated and maintain the decluttering efforts. I figured out a way of washing dishes that doesn't break my back and doesn't take a lot of time (an important skill I did not grow up with.) Proper storage is essential. It is so much easier to throw shoes in a cupboard than try to keep them neatly arranged by the door. For nearly a decade I tried to get everyone to not throw their shoes in a pile (or resent straightening them myself) and then I got a cupboard. I don't care if they're in a pile in there, nor that I'm the one throwing them in there, I only care that I don't have to look at and trip over a pile.
In the same vein, I put a toy box in the living room and a garbage receptacle by the bedrooms. When I was a kid we each had our own drawer in a hutch where little things could go, so the cleaner-upper could clear stuff away, but the stuff would still be safe and findable by the owner. We have a version of that, with each kid having a "treasure box". I'm still working on the system, but just having convenient places to throw stuff has reduced my irritation level significantly, even though I'm still doing most of the work of cleaning up.
Idzie - Hope it helps!
Wendy - Aww, thanks! We just love your family, too. Wish y'all lived closer!
Laura - Ouch! Poor Mark! And poor the rest of you, too. The thought of prepping for a move... (shudder)
Linda - Thanks for all that. I have implemented some variations on your shoe cupboard and treasure boxes myself. But things like that always fill up and become to-do items of their own. What then? It seems to always come back to the choice between (a) asking (making) the kids deal with their own stuff, or (b) having one of the parents deal with it, when both the parents in this case are barely interested in dealing with their own stuff. Any tips would be appreciated!
Hey Ronnie,
I get that about to meltdown feeling about clutter once in a while....and once again this week I had it....and that night saw the moon nearing to it's big, bright fullness....I swear if I charted it my low tolerance to clutter could be correlated to hormones or the moon, which only makes me feel a sliver better about it all! lol :)
Shonna - Yeah, the timing of Act Like a Big Baby Day is kinda interesting, isn't it? :-)
Hi,
I have never read your blog before, but my daughter (Idzie) recommended I read it, especially this post. My question is "When were you in my house?" We always have a "path" to get through rooms, but often that's the only floorspace there! I like your idea of everyone being responsible for what bothers them the most. Don't know if it would work in our house, but it certainly has me thinking.
Thanks for the ideas.
Debbie - Welcome!
There's a naval air station over on Whidbey Island, a short span of water from here. Years ago (maybe still), they had a sign that said, "Pardon our noise. It is the sound of freedom!"
I think unschoolers need signs for their front doors: "Pardon our mess. It is the wake of learning!"
I love your plan! We have too much stuff also (in my opinion), and it is a touchy issue. Recently we have been feeling led in the direction of moving or some other adventure, and both thoughts seem overwhelming with all this stuff!
We have had lots of discussions about it though, and there has been some paring down. One thing that has helped here is seeing what having less stuff can give you. In my three daughters' case (they share a room), less stuff has given them a king size bed and dollhouses for their American girl dolls that they can actually play in. They didn't have room for those things before!
My girlfriend has discovered that having less stuff gives her room to do all the arts and crafts projects that she has been wanting to, but thought our trailer was too small to get involved in.
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