A dream of a happy family

I dreamt last night that I pulled into a gas station behind a woman (my younger self?) who was at her wit's end coping with two toddlers. She was feeling such despair over her inability to control them, and I was able to empathize completely. For too long, Frank and I were lost, bombarded with all of the traditional parenting advice plus kinder, gentler, newer advice that directly contradicted all that. Faced with kids who were increasingly unhappy, we were left feeling pretty unhappy ourselves and helpless to change it. I remember feeling so frustrated with all the conflicting advice. If you're not supposed to spank and you're not supposed to use timeouts, then what do you do?!

There is an answer! We found it in a wonderful book called "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen. For us, PD was only the beginning—it started us on a path of respecting our kids that ultimately led to unschooling—and now I don't think it goes far enough. But it's a place to start if you—like the mom in my dream—are unhappy with your current discipline routine.

[Caveat #1, to the unschoolers in my audience: I know. I know. But it's a start.]

First, I want you to know that with PD, you parents will get your own way most of the time. That is, your kids will "behave," and they will be changed, dressed, fed, and groomed more or less when you want them to be. They will even be reasonably happy about it. No more fights! No more power struggles!

With that said, you will have the most success if you can go into this with the goal of making your kids happier. If your goal is getting your own way, you'll see some initial success and then problems will crop up. Kids can sense when they're being manipulated; they'll respond better in the long term if you're not trying to trick them into doing what you want.

Basic principles
[Caveat #2: I strongly recommend reading Jane Nelsen's book. I am only nutshelling here.]

CHOICES
You will be amazed at the difference it will make in your life if your toddler has choices every step of the way. "Do you want to get dressed now or after breakfast?" "Do you want oatmeal or scrambled eggs?" "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?" "Do you want to wear a diaper or a pull-up?" "Do you want to stand up while I change your diaper or lie down?" It can go on and on.

It sounds time consuming, I know. But you'll be exchanging all those questions for the power struggles you're having now. It's much faster and MUCH more fun!

With all this new control over his life, and seeing your genuine interest in giving him the control he desires, the fight will go out of him. You'll be partners instead of adversaries.

NATURAL AND LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES
The other important concepts in PD are natural and logical consequences. For almost everything, you can present your toddler with a logical consequence. These should be be Related, Respectful, and Reasonable—the three R's.

For example, if he throws a toy, you say, "If you throw the toy, it has to go in timeout." Then if he throws it again, you say, "Okay, we're going to put this toy up on top of the refrigerator for ten minutes." The consequence is logical because it's related to the offense, respectful in that he was informed what the consequence would be (and treated kindly both in the informing and the execution), and reasonable in that putting the toy in timeout is not excessively punitive. He has other toys.

{Side note: As an alternative to imposing consequences at all, you could take him outside where he can throw the toy all he wants!}

With natural consequences, the child is allowed to experience what naturally happens as a consequence of her action or choice. I'll use a wonderful example from the book. A little girl announced one winter day that she was going swimming in the kiddie pool in the backyard. Her grandmother watched as she changed into her swimsuit, marched outside, and plopped her bottom down into the chilly water in the pool. Then she stood right back up again, said "It's much too cold for swimming," and came inside to warm up. There was no need for the grandmother to dissuade her, prohibit her, or even warn her (although I would have warned her). There was certainly no need for the grandmother to punish her. I imagine the icy water accomplished that all on its own! :-)

Another example: Imagine you have a kid who simply hates to have his diaper changed, who throws hissy fits at each and every diaper change. First I want to remind you that you will have FAR fewer battles over diaper changing once he has all those choices mentioned above! But let's say there's a day where he's not going for any of the choices and it's past time to leave for daycare. I think your first step is offering one last choice: "Do you want to have your diaper changed now or in the car at daycare?" If even that won't fly, then you can say, "If you won't let me change your diaper, your bottom might get sore," or "If you keep wearing that smelly diaper, the car will stink!" Give him the chance to avoid the consequence, and if he chooses not to, then let him experience the consequence! Comfort yourself with "What's the worst that could happen?" If your daycare people object to his arriving with a dirty diaper, offer them an extra couple of bucks for each morning it happens. So, the worst case would be $10 a week in exchange for a much more positive relationship with your son. A small price to pay!

Another alternative would be to set up a logical consequence that is just unpleasant enough to be motivating. "We can't go inside the daycare until your diaper is clean, so we'll just sit here in the car until you're ready for me to change it." Then make the car as boring a place as possible. Hum a little song to keep yourself from cajoling or arguing with him and just SIT. I'll wager he'll be ready to cooperate in less than five minutes.

RECOVERY
We all have days where we lose it. We say mean things, stomp around in a huff, or dole out punishments that are too harsh. It is SO important to recover from those bad moments. Apologize to your child! Give her a chance to tell you how you hurt her. See her side. Take steps to handle things better when/if there's a next time.

Another good resource
You might also enjoy "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It contains so many wonderful tips for communicating with your kids, presented in a clear, easy-to-browse format. One of my favorite tips for toddlers is writing down what they want. It's amazing how powerful the written word is! One of my nieces was ready to melt down once because she wanted to come to my house and couldn't. I whipped out a piece of paper and wrote, "Madison wants to come over soon." She calmed right down! And I made sure to follow through with an invite a few days later. This tip works really well at the toy store, too—simply make a list of all the cool toys your child desires. The list itself is pretty satisfying. (Just make sure you in no way imply that list equals promise to buy!)

Another example is the upset child. Reflective listening works SO well. When one of my girls was really upset, simply having me say something understanding—such as, "You're really sad about this"—would calm her faster than any attempt at rationalizing away her feelings or distracting her from them. In Chloe's case, after having her emotion named, she'd cry harder for about ten seconds, and then she'd be done. Poof. There was usually no need for me to fix anything, or make anything up to her, or do much of anything but hug her.

Speaking of which...

When in doubt, HUG
This is an instant remedy for a power-struggle moment. Just hug your kid. I used to sing "One, Two, Buckle My Shoe" while I hugged my toddler, swaying back and forth. After two times through the song, we'd both be calm enough to find a mutually acceptable solution.

And if all else fails, GIVE IN
I'm not talking about spoiling your tantrum-throwing child here. I'm talking about recognizing that a kid who is arguing with you THAT passionately, even after you've respectfully explained your difficulties with his plan/desire/choice and offered reasonable alternatives, is telling you loud and clear that This Is Really Important to Him. Respect that! Make it happen!

One of the biggest flaws of traditional parenting is the idea that the parents' needs and desires come first. Who died and made you king or queen? Instead, just go along with what your kids want. It's good for you! It will take you wonderful places you never imagined going and show you that kids know best a lot of the time.

One example: We weren't bothered by the rainfall Saturday night, because MJ insisted on backing into our slot at the drive-in (even though I really wanted to sit in my seat).

Another example: I got to go to England.

Listen to your kids! :-)