MJ is 19. She doesn't live with me anymore. When she's at her home in Salem, I typically have no idea of her daily plans: whether she's going anywhere, where she's going if she is, how late she'll be out, who she'll be with. I don't worry about her as long as I "see" her via text, phonecall, or Facebook occasionally, which here means every 5 to7 days or so, and which "sighting" does not necessarily have to include me. For example, if I see her post something on her wall on FB, my internal mom-timer gets reset, and I don't worry.
I also have no idea what she's eating, how much she's exercising, what she's learning, how she's learning, whether she's tidying up after herself, whether she's minding her manners, how she's spending her money, what music she's listening to, how much TV she's watching, whether she's brushing her teeth and wearing her retainers, and so on and so on. I don't ask, she doesn't offer, I just don't know.
In other words, in the absence of evidence to the contrary or complete radio silence, I trust that she's healthy and happy enough, and I know she's quite competent enough to handle what life throws at her, either on her own or by picking up the phone if she needs help.
And then she comes home for a visit. Something happens inside my brain, and MJ moves from the "MJ's responsibility" compartment to the "My responsibility" compartment.
Last night she went out with her cousin Chelsea. As she was walking out the door, she said she'd either be home "later" or stay the night at the friend's they were headed to. I opened my mouth to request a rather more specific plan, and to go through my usual magical-thinking routine of questions designed to reassure me that she would be safe.
And then the absurdity of that struck, and I said, "Have fun" and closed my mouth again. This child-of-mine, despite her name and similar appearance, is not the same person she used to be. She no longer needs (if she ever did) the type of parenting I had been about to offer.
It's up to me to catch up.
Traveling, sleeping
2 hours ago
5 comments:
It's hard sometimes, I know. Even with Holly home, I remind myself she's 20. At her age I was a senior in college and my parents had no idea what I was doing or where, so she'll ask sometimes whether I need the car the next day (we're sharing for a while) and if I don't, I know that means she might not be here in the morning. And I breathe and think of how careful and responsible she is, and i don't worry. But I've been practicing for a few years. :-)
It's hard sometimes, I know. Even with Holly home, I remind myself she's 20. At her age I was a senior in college and my parents had no idea what I was doing or where, so she'll ask sometimes whether I need the car the next day (we're sharing for a while) and if I don't, I know that means she might not be here in the morning. And I breathe and think of how careful and responsible she is, and i don't worry. But I've been practicing for a few years. :-)
Oh, my god. This shines so much light of gratitude on the time I have with my daughter. It does really come to a kind of end.
I can remember at age 19 or 20 (I'm 39 now) living and working and studying in Brighton - planning my own meals and budgets and managing my sleep and study etc then going "Home" for holidays and so on and it was awful! There'd be a honeymoon of a few days and them conflict about car use and bedtimes would come forward.
In the end I secured a job which meant I couldn't go home in the holidays (well, I could have but I'd have lost the job) and so the situation was resolved.
Although our crew are only 7, 5 and 2 I do think about this alot - although our current home is not perfect it is walking distance of a train station which offers freedom the current structure of the UK housing market is such that even on double average earnings it is pretty hard to secure a mortgage.
We used to say we'd built a teenage den behind our garage but now we say we'll retire there and give the trio the house!
The other thing I find interesting is that the ages at which childhood milestones were past by The Daddy One and I and our own children have been so divergent I wondered how it would pan out in the teen years.
Weaning from the breast, co-sleeping, first sleep-overs have all been so different due to us living a life without school.
Technology has really changed to - I was required to provide firm plans because changing them was a real pain - now with text, facebook and google maps lattitude you can let someone know where you are and that you are okay in a second.
I remember Mother's Day when I was 20 and I was stuck in a rainy northern town called Hull - I walked for miles to find a working 'phone box to call my Mum!!
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