Traffic pet peeves

Now that I'm back in traffic, I have to get a few pet peeves off my chest. I'm sure the brilliant and competent readers of my blog are not the offenders who so plague my commutes, but perhaps this list will be sent anonymously to a few cretins. ;-)

THE BIGGIE: Keep right except to pass!!!
I don't know why this is so difficult a concept for Washington drivers. Actually, I do know. It's because everybody stays in the left lane, so people are afraid to move right for fear they'll never be able to get back into the left lane again. From this fear springs traffic backups that stretch for miles.

Imagine what a change it would be if all the left-lane hogs moved right, allowing free flow of faster traffic and getting all those faster cars off the road sooner. Seattle's traffic problems would be solved! ('Cause adding more lanes sure isn't going to do it when people sit three or four or eight across, all doing the same speed.)

In a related topic: Being passed is not a challenge
I'm not sure if it's a reflection of the narcissistic nature of our society or what, but I have certainly observed that many people seem to take it personally when I pass them. They speed up enough that I'm no longer passing them, and sometimes they even go fast enough to pass me! Like commuting is a race or something. Like they and I have a relationship or something. Relax, people. I'm not trying to beat you, and I don't need to pass you. I just want to do my speed and get myself home to my family. If you want to go consistently faster than me, I will happily tuck in behind you.

In another related topic: Pay attention to your right foot
People who don't pick one speed and stick to it (as much as traffic allows) are a pain in the rear for the rest of us. If you don't have the skill to hold a steady speed, try setting your cruise control. And if you slow down for hills and curves, KEEP RIGHT EXCEPT TO PASS.

And in one last related topic: The freeway system was designed for speed
Curves that require slower speeds than the speed limit are marked. If they're not marked, you can do the speed limit (at least) all the way through them. And even on those tighter curves, loosen up a little! Learn how to "drive the line"! It's fun!

Think of the carpool lane as a fast lane
Too many people act like driving in the carpool lane is a treat they've earned merely by having the right number of people in their car. What are you, six? No. The carpool lane is supposed to encourage better traffic flow. It's not supposed to be a fourth lane for doing exactly the same speed as everybody else. If you aren't going faster than the traffic in the left lane (or the middle lane, or the right lane), move right!

Yield does not equal Merge, and vice versa
Many people seem to have been absent the day they taught traffic signs in Driver's Ed. Here's a refresher:

A Yield sign means you must slow down and prepare to stop if other cars are coming. It also means that YOU MUST STOP if other cars are coming.

A Merge sign means you should match your speed* to the speed of the traffic you are joining and get your butt out there. Do not expect the other drivers to match their speed to yours, and DO NOT STOP. Both practices will get you creamed.

* This means you will need to pick your spot and then either speed up or slow down to slide right into it. You do the adjusting. Here's a great instruction page for merging. Pay attention to step 4.

And to all you drivers in the mainline who think you have to slow down or even, science forbid, stop for merging traffic, KNOCK IT OFF! It's dangerous. I mean, of course you're going to adjust to someone who is merging poorly, but don't encourage them to merge poorly by being overly polite. You have the right of way.

There are worse things than missing an exit or exiting inadvertently
Did you know that the freeway in an urban area has an exit every mile or so? And did you also know that most exits lead to on-ramps that put you right back on the freeway if you so choose? Yes, it's a pretty cool system! So don't risk your own life or anybody else's over exit confusion. Take a breath, take the detour, and get where you're going safe and sound and barely a minute later.

If there's no room for me on the other side of the intersection, there's no room for you
We'll move off the freeways now to our gridlocked surface streets. Folks, if I stop at a green light and refrain from crossing an intersection because there's no room for me over there, that does NOT give you license to make your right-turn in front of me from the cross-street or cut in front of me from another lane. You will cause the gridlock I was trying to prevent, and anyway, it is still my turn! Until my light turns red, I get to go when the traffic moves, not you.

Take your freaking turn at the four-way stop
People in the Northwest are polite. I get it. I like it. But jeezum Pete, let's not get carried away! The rules at a four-way stop are simple and clear. You have the right of way when:
1) You are the first to arrive at the intersection, or
2) You and another driver get to the intersection at the same time but you are on his right, or
3) You've had time to make a complete stop and the driver across from you has the right of way and is crossing the intersection. (Your waiting for your "whole" turn to cycle around in this instance serves no purpose. The cross traffic has to wait anyway.)

To observe any rules but these, even for the sake of politeness, leads to nothing but confusion and delays and frustration. If it's your turn, take it!

Got other pet peeves?
Add them to the comments. We can all take this chance to let off a little steam.

Weekend connections

(Obviously, today has been my day for blogging! I've even written a couple of posts I'm saving for another, less loquacious day.)

We've had a good weekend!

Friday night, Frank and I had a date. An honest-to-goodness, grown-up date! It was great. We went to the Celtic Bayou in Redmond, an Irish/Cajun pub we've been wanting to try. The spicy shrimp appetizer and Frank's crawfish etouffee were WAY better than my beer and corned beef and cabbage, so we have to recommend their Cajun food over their Irish food, but it was a good meal nevertheless. And the bread pudding is Really Good! Next time, we'll just have appetizers and dessert!

Saturday, we split up for separate commitments. Frank and MJ went to their last volleyball game (they lost, but it was a good game). They thought there would be a party afterward at the restaurant owned by the team's sponsor, but that didn't come off, so Frank used the extra free time to install my fancy toilet seat. It was a classic home improvement project—three times more challenging than expected, with two trips to Home Depot—but he ultimately met with success. It's a great addition to our house!

I went with my mom over to Thorp (a teeny little town in Eastern Washington, just this side of Ellensburg) for my cousin Thom's graduation party. He got a BA in psychology from Central Washington University. The party was held at our Uncle Ross and Aunt Patti's house and was a nice gathering indeed. It rained on us some, which is not very usual for the area, but that passed and the sun came out as the afternoon continued. My grandma especially enjoyed the day; you could see her loving every minute of having her brood around her. Five of her six kids were there, plus an assortment of grandkids. Nice!

As for Chloe, well, she had intended to go to the party with us, but the reality of her 8:30 wakeup call proved to be too much for her. Instead, she hung out at home and did her own thing. She and MJ have really been bonding over something recently, but I'm not sure what! They spend hours camped out in the basement (which looks like a tornado went through), watching an odd mix of movies (e.g., Sabrina and the Blair Witch) and hunching over the laptop together.

Today has been FUN, FUN, FUN. I've spent an amazing amount of time with my family considering I've barely left the computer. :-) In addition to blog posting and finally getting STUN initiated, I've got us all registered for the 2008 LIFE is Good Unschooling Conference. Yes, it's a year away, but we're still Very Excited about it. Counting down... And it's fun to think about the flow of time then: after the conference, I'll have four days of work left before my 100-day break.

We also made a trip to the library today. I needed to stock up on Books on CD (or CDs on Tape, as I persist in calling them) so I can bear the upcoming week's commuting. I'm considering riding the bus one day a week, too, which—despite some major transit improvements in our area—would involve four hours on the bus. I'd definitely need some entertainment for that!

A busy week ahead: In addition to working, I'm getting my hair cut Tuesday night (way belatedly), we have our first STUN meeting Wednesday, the girls and I are taking Grandma for her Birthday Shopping Day Wednesday afternoon, I've got an appointment to donate blood on Friday afternoon, and cousin Sonya is having a product party Friday night. And that doesn't count whatever we come up with for the weekend!

Quotes

"I should begin by explaining what I mean by 'our culture.' Rather than burden you with a definition, I'll give you a simple test that you can use wherever you go in the world. If the food in that part of the world is under lock and key, and the people who live there have to work to get it, then you're among people of our culture. If you happen to be in a jungle in the interior of Brazil or New Guinea, however, you'll find that the food is not under lock and key. It's simply out there for the taking, and anyone who wants some can just go and get it. The people who live in these areas, often called aboriginals, stone-age peoples, or tribal peoples, clearly belong to a culture radically different from our own."

-- Daniel Quinn, author of "Ishmael" and "If They Give You Lined Paper, Write Sideways," in a speech given at a homeschooling conference
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"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive."

-- Thich Nhat Hanh
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"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."

-- Albert Einstein
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"In the end, the secret to learning is so simple: forget about it. Think only about whatever you love. Follow it, do it, dream about it. One day, you will glance up at your collection of Japanese literature, or trip over the solar oven you built, and it will hit you: learning was there all the time, happening by itself."

-- Grace Llewellyn in The Teenage Liberation Handbook
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"Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. . . I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be."

-- Anna Quindlen in a column written in 2000
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"So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school–those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that."

-- Uncle Frank (Steve Carell) in "Little Miss Sunshine"
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"Well, we busted out of class, had to get away from those fools. We learned more from a three-minute record, baby, than we ever learned in school."

--Bruce Springsteen in "No Surrender"

The 99 percent solution

I've been reading Howard Zinn's seminal book, A People's History of the United States, and wanted to share an excerpt.

"One percent of the nation owns a third of the wealth. The rest of the wealth is distributed in such a way as to turn those in the 99 percent against one another...

"How skillful to tax the middle class to pay for the relief of the poor, building resentment on top of humiliation! How adroit to bus poor black youngsters into poor white neighborhoods, in a violent exchange of impoverished schools, while the schools of the rich remain untouched and the wealth of the nation, doled out carefully where children need free milk, is drained for billion-dollar aircraft carriers. How ingenious to meet the demands of blacks and women for equality by giving them small special benefits, and setting them in competition with everyone else for jobs made scarce by an irrational, wasteful system. How wise to turn the fear and anger of the majority toward a class of criminals bred—by economic inequity—faster than they can be put away, deflecting attention from the huge thefts of national resources carried out within the law by men in executive offices."

He goes on to offer a hopeful message of change-by-rebellion. I'm not sure I share his optimism. Maybe sometimes.

A STUNning new beginning

The girls and I have founded a new unschooling organization, STUN (SnoCo Teen Unschoolers Network). You can read all about it here: http:\\teenunschoolers.blogspot.com. Please pass the word to any unschoolers in the area!

Returning to work

I started back with my favorite Microsoft team on Monday. This contract should take me through another year to my next 100-day break (SUMMER VACATION!!!).

I have my own office! It won't last, but I'm enjoying every minute of it while it does. A good friend of mine is contemplating returning to this group, too; I'd love to share the space with her.

It is mostly being good to be back. I enjoy the people in this group, I enjoy the work, and my professional hat fits pretty comfortably. But I hate the traffic (you can look forward to a pet traffic peeves post soon), and I miss Frank and the girls. But at least we can IM again now!

Returning to real life

My first weekend home was spent running around!

My grandma went to the hospital with shortness of breath and chest pain. They checked her out and let her come home (with her promise to see her doctor ASAP), but we kept an eye on her nevertheless.

MJ ended up with quite the social weekend, despite her agreement to dogsit for my mom. She enlisted some help from Chloe and cousin Megan and some taxi service from Frank and me. (Angelo didn't seem to mind having a variety of caretakers, but it made for some juggling for us.) Friday night, she went to Seattle with friends to see Rolling, a documentary about ecstasy (XTC, the recreational drug). It turned out to be showing at a theater that is associated with a bar, so they couldn't get in. That was cool, too, though, because the producer was there and felt really bad for them, so they each got a t-shirt, a poster, and a promise for a copy of the DVD.

Saturday night—late Saturday night—they went to see Rocky Horror in the midnight show at the Admiral. Frank and I drove them down and got the fun of watching the, er, cast arrive. Then we hung out in the van, reading and napping, until the show let out.

Sunday, I spent some time preparing myself for my return to work on Monday. This involved mental preparation mostly. :-)

Returning to Washington

Here's the report on the second half of my Nebraska trip:

Saturday, Cherie and Steve hosted a dinner party. The guests were a couple of couples who just might be the only other liberals in Nebraska. :-) We had a most convivial evening, with good company, good food, and an impromptu song-fest in honor of the blue moon.

Sunday, Cherie and Steve took me to Pioneer Village in Minden. This is a large complex of buildings stuffed with antiques and not-so-antiques. The founder, Harold Warp, made a fortune in the war with his flexible plastic and proceeded to spend a big chunk of his money gathering goods for the museum. The exhibits are arranged more or less chronologically and include planes, trains, automobiles, snowmobiles, motorcycles, farm equipment, clothing, toys, linens, buttons, furniture, art, and houses (yes, whole houses, including a soddy). It's a pretty impressive place!




Monday was a quiet day on the pond, a last chance to visit, bond, play with the pets, and watch Firefly episodes. Oh, yes, and pack.




Tuesday morning, I hit the road for home. Some highlights of the drive home:

* A whopper of a thunderstorm, complete with big ol' hailstones, as I drove through Denver. It just figured it would hit in one of the few places where I was driving in traffic!

* The gorgeous drive on US 40, up over Berthoud Pass (11,307 feet up!), through Steamboat Springs (where they are busily enjoying Mud Season), and onto the astonishingly gorgeous high plateau.

* My blissful visit to the canyon area of Dinosaur National Monument. I pretty much had the place to myself and got to enjoy my hike and the stunning views at the end of it in absolute silence. Well, except for when the swallows would occasionally whooooosh by on hunting runs. What a great day! (And Crocs are great-- and quiet--for easy hikes, by the way!)





* More incredible scenery on US 40 through Utah, especially where it passes Starvation and Strawberry Reservoirs and drifts over the Daniels pass.

* Crossing Idaho into the blinding sunset, which would have been less scary if the truckers had shown any acknowledgement of the fact that they were driving blind!

* The sudden white-gray flash as an owl swooped in front of the van out of the dark.

* Pushing myself *just* a bit too hard to get into Oregon for night 2. I should have stopped at Boise.

* The odd twist of finding eastern Oregon and Washington the brownest places of my trip.

* Visiting Margie's grave in the 95-degree heat in Yakima. I'm glad to remember Margie, but it always gives me a jolt to see my daughter's name on a gravestone!

* A lovely little visit with Jorene, Morrie, Ferd, Bill, Sheila, and the boys in Selah. (Thanks, guys!)

* Coming home. Frank and the girls had a clean house and a little birthday celebration waiting for me. My gift? A new toilet seat. Hee hee hee! That sounds BAD, doesn't it, but it's what I wanted really! It has a heated seat and a built-in bidet system. Very decadent!

Chinese new year

Well, I'm another year older. Or another day older, depending how you look at it! :-) I had a very nice birthday here in Lexington. I started my day with a solitary walk out to the Platte River. It's, oh, half a mile to a mile through the woods. I saw a couple of deer bounding away from my noise, and a hawk circled overhead, seemingly charting my progress. The river is flowing well, thanks to their recent rainfall, but that means it's about two feet deep instead of it's usual less-than-one. I waded across to a sandbar and spread out a towel, then spent a pleasant hour sunbathing and reading my novel. Oh, and Frank and the girls called to wish me a happy birthday.

Then I began my somewhat circuitous walk back to the house. What that means is, I got lost. At about the moment I realized I was pretty turned around, it started to rain, and I began imagining a long, wet ramble. But then it quit raining and I got my bearings. I came out of the woods only about 100 feet from where I went in. Not too shabby.

This evening, Cherie and Steve took their moms and me out for dinner at a little Chinese restaurant in town. I'm not sure how tiny Lexington ended up with a Chinese chef better than many in Seattle's International District, but they did. Cherie and Steve have sent a lot of business his way, so Sam set out to give us an evening to remember. He provided, gratis, an appetizer platter of mussels in cream sauce and an artful plate of oranges and sesame seed balls to accompany our birthday-cake dessert. Sam and his sons joined us for cake, and Sam entertained us with stories of his arrival in America (first in Seattle, then L.A.). He said he moved to Nebraska because he couldn't afford to pay property taxes and buy car insurance for four sons in Los Angeles.

The cake itself was a rare treat: Steve's specialty spice cake! That's said with a wink, since he had a little help from Betty Crocker, but the cake was truly delicious and I was touched that he baked for me. And Cherie surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet of roses. It was a very fun birthday!

News from home: Thursday night, Frank and the girls went to the midnight showing of the new Pirates movie. Reviews were mixed. This morning, Chloe and MJ and the Canonica gang headed to Coulee. When I talked to my mom this evening, MJ was off helping a 5-year-old friend master his Sponge Bob XBox game, and Chloe was re-reading Fruits Basket books and laughing a lot. I could hear the sounds of the friendly/fierce poker game in the background. Mom said one cousin came in all the way from Montana to get in the game.

Meanwhile, Frank is having his weekend alone. I am sure he's enjoying every minute of it!

Road notes

Greetings from Nebraska! I am here visiting Cherie (one of my moms) and her husband, Steve. I made the drive in a speedy two days, thanks to low traffic and high speed limits. I love doing 80 on 80!

In addition to some stunning scenery, I saw a fair amount of wildlife on the drive, including deer, antelope, prairie dogs, and a coyote. I also found the fabled end of the rainbow, right there in Oregon! I came over the crest of a hill and there it was, slanting down onto the valley floor below.

Wyoming was gorgeous, as always, but spring has not yet sprung there. Or not spring as I define it, anyway! I'm sure the residents there are enjoying the relatively mild weather, but there was light snow in the foothills and an icy wind out of the north. Brrr!

Nebraska is better. They've had a lot of rain this year, so everything is amazingly green—it looks more like the Northwest than the plains. It is pleasantly warm (or pleasantly cool, depending on your perspective). Cherie and I just spent a lovely couple of hours sitting down by the pond, watching and listening to the very busy bird population. The orioles are here, and we spotted a red-headed woodpecker, and Big Chick, the resident great blue heron, put in an appearance.

Being busy with other things, Frank and the girls stayed home. Frank has a month left on his contract, and MJ and Chloe leave tomorrow to go over to Grand Coulee for an annual Canonica gathering, which means Frank will get a rare weekend to himself for Memorial Day. A nice treat!

Oh, one follow-up note: MJ, Chelsea, Megan, Alexis, Kyla, and Logan all had a fabulous time at the My Chemical Romance concert. I drove them down about 4 in the afternoon, being vaguely worried we were going too early. Not! There was a sizable crowd there by the time we drove up. Somehow they managed to locate Jesse, another of MJ's friends, so Logan wasn't all alone with his harem for long. The show let out about 10, so the kids who had school the next day weren't even all that late to bed.

I'm off to do some more relaxing! I'll post again in a few days. Or maybe not til I get home. We'll see how the spirit moves me.

Driving Miss MJ

MJ is having a busy weekend and taking us along for the ride (meaning we're providing taxi service). Friday afternoon, she and Chloe went with Chris, Chelsea, and Chelsea's friend Alexis to see "28 Weeks Later." After the show (which seemed to be well received), Frank and I picked up Chloe at Chris and Denise's house. MJ stayed behind so she could get up really early Saturday morning to start setting up for the Sons of Italy dinner. She worked there all day yesterday, about 14 hours' worth. Frank, Chloe, and I showed up just to eat and watch the action for a while. MJ looked quite grown-up behind the serving counter! Erin took some pictures; watch for them on Emma's blog (link at right).

Today, I am driving MJ, Chelsea, and Alexis downtown for the Killers concert. Tomorrow, I am driving MJ, Chelsea, Alexis, Megan, Kyla, and Logan downtown for the My Chemical Romance concert. Tuesday, I am driving MJ to Hope for Horses. Ah, the exciting life of a parent!

I did get to have some fun of my own yesterday. Ella (3) came over to play at our house yesterday. She rode home with us from the spaghetti dinner because she'd had enough of that place. We watched "Dinosaur," jumped on the mini-trampoline, folded a load of laundry, played on Boohbah.com, colored Boohbah pictures, explored the stuffed animal closet (Chloe acted as escort for that one, because my allergies can't stand to go in there -- I am sneezing just thinking about it), and picked a little bouquet of flowers for Ella's mommy. It was a lovely afternoon, and then she went home! Perfect! :-)

It's raining again. (sigh) I was really enjoying the sunshine. Maybe it'll be back. Eventually.

I am contemplating a roadtrip (Driving Miss Ronnie). I'll find out Monday what day they want me back at work, then I'll decide whether to take off. If they want me sooner, I might enjoy a little Seattle vacation instead. The summer season of cool local events is ramping up, so that would be fun, too.

Update 1:21 p.m.: The Killers concert has just been postponed due to lead singer Brandon Flowers' case of bronchitis. The new date is set, unfortunately, for 5/27, when MJ and Chelsea will both be out of town. Does anybody want to buy a couple of Killers tickets? :-(

New child restraint law in Washington

There is SO much confusion being spread about the new child restraint law that is going into effect in Washington on June 1, 2007. Frankly, the media and various spokespeople keep getting it wrong. Here's the real scoop:

Technically, the new child restraint law applies to all passengers under age 16. Practically speaking, the law only regulates child restraint through age 12. But see the "cop discretion" note below.

Kids must ride in an appropriate, properly installed and secured carseat or booster seat until they reach EITHER age 8 OR 4’9” in height. That big "OR" there means a 7-year-old who is 4’9” does not need to ride in a booster (because he meets the height requirement), and, similarly, an 8-year-old who is less than 4’9” does not need to ride in a booster (because she meets the age requirement). But see the "cop discretion" note below.

Kids 8 years old and older AND kids 4’9” tall and taller can use the regular seatbelt as long as it fits them properly. The italicized part there is left to the discretion of the cop who pulls you over. A cop could conceivably ticket the driver if an older kid has a shoulder belt that cuts across his neck, just as he could ticket the driver if a younger kid is riding in a carseat that has not been installed or secured properly.

Kids under 13 should be made to ride in the backseat “where it is practical to do so.” That phrasing probably gives some leeway to someone who is transporting a pack of kids and has run out of back seats.

If you want to do your own research, the link below will take you to the full text of the actual new law (scroll down past the outgoing law).
http://apps.leg.wa.gov/RCW/default.aspx?cite=46.61.687

Spaghetti Feast Saturday!!

The Marysville chapter of the Sons of Italy is having their annual charity fundraiser All-You-Can-Eat Spaghetti Feast.

Where: St. Mary's Catholic Church in Marysville
When: Saturday, May 19th, 2007 -- 1 to 6 p.m.
Prices: $9 - adults, $4 kids 4-10, kids under 4 free

Raffle giveaways and a 50/50 raffle will be going on all day.

Dinner includes spaghetti, meatballs, Italian sausage, roll, salad, cake and wine or pop. Proceeds go to scholarships and local charities.

Click the link above for directions to the church. We'll all be there. Come on down and join the fun!

Returning to work

I just heard from my favorite team at Microsoft: they are able to bring me back sooner than the July 1 start of the new fiscal year. I'll start back either May 29 or June 4, depending.

I am so glad to be employed, so glad to be returning to this team, so glad we'll have double paychecks for the month of June while Frank finishes up his assignment.

But having June off would have been really nice, too....

The homeschoolers you know

Do you know any homeschooled kids who seem to be proof positive that homeschooling is bad?

I wonder about that sometimes. Nobody has ever posted a comment saying as much, but I still find myself imagining one of my blog readers thinking to himself or herself, "That would make sense except that the homeschooled kid I know is a real brat!" or "Yeah, right, then why does the homeschooled kid I know have trouble with subject X?"

Maybe someone has even had such a thought about one of my kids! Gasp! If so, certainly don't make the mistake of telling me! ;-)

I think we need to be careful about judging any group of people by the actions or abilities of one or a few individuals in the group. A lot of homeschoolers are aware of having a certain responsibility for representing the homeschooling community. Some probably even strive to control their kids' public behavior so as to create a good impression. You won't find much of that in the unschooling community, but we feel the eyes on us even so. We know people will tend to judge home- and unschooling based on the home- and unschooled kids they meet.

Does that seem fair to you? It doesn't to me. Other people just get to live their lives. Why not us?

Maybe next time you find yourself painting all homeschoolers with one brush, you can try asking yourself the opposite question to the one I started with: Do you know any schooled kids who seem to be proof positive that schooling is bad?

I'll wager you've met more than one or two.

---

P.S. The other reality check to keep in mind is this: Imagine what that "proof positive" homeschooled kid would be like if she were in school. Are you really sure she would be better off? Truly? In fact, are you sure her parents haven't already tried school and found it made things worse?

For example, there were a couple of very shiny, sparkly kids at the unschooling conference. Very intense personalities there. As unschoolers, they're honored and given space to be themselves, and they're just part of the pack of unique beings at an unschooling conference. I don't even want to think about those kids in a school setting! Imagine the discipline problems, fights, tantrums, parent-teacher conferences, medications, stress, depression, devastation.

Contrary to popular opinion, school doesn't "fix" kids like that; it just chews them up and spits them out. This we saw firsthand.

What unschooling looked like yesterday

Chloe spent the early morning working on an Anime Music Video (AMV), which is a little movie made of anime clips, usually themed, set to one or more songs. Unfortunately, the thing crashed just as she was completing it and she lost most of her work. This is an excellent example of how unschoolers learn to deal with the frustrations life throws their way. (Some people argue that, because we say "Yes" to our kids so much, unschooled kids are too sheltered from real life. These people seem to think we have to create or foster stress and unhappiness in our kids' lives, as if real life won't provide them with enough practice—in which case, I have to wonder why they think our kids need practice. It's not very logical, but it's another argument we come up against again and again.)

Starting our day with Chloe's tears was sad, but it was nice watching MJ offer comfort and computer assistance. They went off to the basement, where Chloe had been working, to see what they could salvage. Not having any luck, they cheered themselves up by watching Dane Cook comedy videos on YouTube. Then Chloe went to sleep there on the futon, and MJ started making AMVs of her own.

Sidebar about AMVs: These little movies are very clever. The creator must search through dozens of anime clips to find scenes that suit the music selections and/or the theme of the video. In many, one character is "singing" the song, so clips have to be located where the movements of the character's mouth fit the words of the song. MJ and Chloe have both made Fruits Basket "theme song" videos; these contain clips of each of the major characters in the show, with one song snippet per character. They've pulled together some varied and clever music choices. Another example is the "Green Fields of France" video Chloe made. The song is a rather political tune about a WWI soldier who dies on those green fields. Chloe watched someone else's AMV that used Full Metal Alchemist characters and decided to try one using Fruits Basket characters. It was a challenge, since (a) there are no soldiers in Fruits Basket, and (2) nobody dies. But she pulled together a great collection of clips, all very somber and moody, and made a cool little movie. On a lighter note, she made one set to "Come Dancing" that is full of dance scenes and chuckles.

In the afternoon, we set off for our second-week-in-a-row get-together with some other unschoolers. It was a gorgeous, hot day, so this gathering took place at our friends' house on Lake Roesiger. Oh, man, those kids had fun. They shivered their way into the lake a few times and ran around the yard throwing foam SCA javelins at each other and walked to the store for ice cream and just generally enjoyed each other's company.

When we got home at 8, tired and happy, MJ discovered that Verizon had deleted three batches of concert tickets from her inbox. Ack! Scary moment. (TicketMaster very kindly resent them this morning, so I don't have to pay back all the people MJ bought tickets for. Phew!)

While Frank, Chloe, and I watched House, MJ ran a load of laundry, planned AMVs, and thought about what she wants to wear when she works the Sons of Italy fundraiser spaghetti feed this Saturday. (She got her food handler's card on Monday, and we're going shopping for a red, white, and/or green apron today.) Then Frank, MJ, and Chloe settled in to watch Mind of Mencia while I read my book and fell asleep on the couch.

Academic interpretation: computer class, political science, phys ed, socializing and socialization, and whatever educators call it when they have students do art projects about literature. Ah, here's one thing Washington State says 8th graders will do: "Expand comprehension by analyzing, interpreting, and synthesizing information and ideas..." And then there's this:

"In eighth grade, students integrate observation skills and a variety of listening strategies to evaluate the effectiveness of auditory and visual information... They are able to analyze cultural principles, beliefs, and world views, including their own. Students use language and other communication strategies to find a common code for communication."

In other words, they'll do book reports, oral presentations, and art projects to illustrate their comprehension of what they've read, watched, and listened to. Hmmm, sounds like unschooling.

Some of our favorite Firefly quotes

WARNING! SPOILER ALERT!
Skip this post if you haven't watched "Firefly" yet! (And get yourself to Blockbuster!)

The ship:
Serenity, a battered but lovable Firefly-class spaceship

The crew:
Captain Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds
First Mate Zoe Alleyne
Pilot Hoban "Wash" Washburne
Ship's Mechanic Kaylee Frye
Hired Gun/Public Relations Specialist Jayne Cobb

The passengers:
"Ambassador" Inara Serra
Dr. Simon Tam
River Tam
Shepherd Derrial Book

"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal." -- Wash (while alone on the bridge, playing pretend with toy dinosaurs)

"If wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak." -- Jayne

"You are very much lacking in imagination." -- Mal
"I imagine that's so, sir." -- Zoe

"No, apes are noble creatures, you're some sort of man-ape-thing that went horribly wrong." -- Simon (about Jayne)

"They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky and they remember what they are." -- River
"Is it bad that what she just said makes perfect sense to me?" -- Mal

"Don't you love this party? Everything's so fancy and there's some kind of hot cheese over there." -- Kaylee

"Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here." -- Shepherd Book (referring to the crew)

"...I'm thinking of growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist." -- Simon (to illustrate his new status as a criminal mastermind)

"Well, my sister's a ship. I just have issues going way back." -- Simon

"I aim to misbehave." -- Mal

"I never married." -- Book (upon being called 'Grandpa')

"Now Inara - she's gotta have some really funny whorin' stories, I'd wager." -- Jayne
"Oh! Do I ever! Funny and sexy! You have no idea! ((pause)) And you never will." -- Inara

"You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?" -- Wash (in response to a comment by Zoe, his soldier wife)

"Ta very much for a lovely night then." -- Badger (after holding the crew hostage)

"What does that make us?" -- Mal
"Big damn heroes, sir." -- Zoe

"Yes sir, Captain Tightpants." -- Kaylee

"So. Would you like to lecture me on the wickedness of my ways?" -- Inara
"I brought you some supper. But if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped. Sin and hellfire. One has lepers." -- Book

"I'll be in my bunk." -- Jayne (after seeing Inara lead a female guest to her quarters)

"Enemies? You? No! How can it be?" -- Simon (to Jayne)

"Noah's Ark is a problem." -- River (assessing Book's Bible)

"I'm starting to like this poetry thing. 'Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpse-ified and gross...'" -- Wash

"Time for some thrilling heroics." -- Jayne

"This must be what going mad feels like." -- Simon (upon seeing a heroic statue of Jayne in a town square)

"Please, we're very close to true stupidity here." -- Book (in a moment of pending violence)

"His brains are in terrible danger." -- River (upon seeing Book's shaggy hair out of its usual ponytail)

"Well, my days of not takin' you seriously are certainly comin' to a middle." -- Mal (to Jayne)

"'Day' is a vestigial mode of time measurement. Based on solar cycles. Not applicable. ((pause)) I didn't get you anything." -- River (on Simon's birthday)

"I don't like him... Something about him bothers me." -- Zoe (about Wash, in a flashback)

"Thank you for the wine. It's very...fresh." -- Inara

"I can be terse. Once, in flight school, I was laconic." -- Wash

"I call it Vera." -- Jayne (about his favorite gun)

"Also, I can kill you with my brain." -- River (discouraging Jayne from betraying them)

"Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?" -- Mal
"Had a kind of poetry to it, sir." -- Zoe

"Who's flyin' this thing?! Oh. Right. That'd be me. Back to work." -- Wash

"No power in the 'verse can stop me." -- Kaylee, and later, much more ominously, River

"Besides, why would I want to leave Serenity?" -- Inara

"Tell you what, you buy this ship, treat her proper, she'll be with you for the rest of your life." -- Used Ship Salesman

Marty is doing well

Frank spoke to Judy today. All is well there. Marty had a doctor's appointment recently and checked out great. They are trying a new type of insulin to see if they can level out his blood sugar, but that's about all that's happening.

In other news, our nephew Eric (Chuck's son) was in town for Jazz Fest. He and Paul hung out together. Paul's big news is that he and his girlfriend and her son have bought a house together. Frank thinks it's in Covington. This change means Chrissy has her place to herself again—a mixed blessing, I'm sure.

"Zoo" release

MJ's movie, "Zoo," opened in theaters today. It is playing in Seattle at the Varsity. Although the film is unrated due to its documentary nature, the Varsity has set an admission policy that no one under 18 can get in. I called and spoke to the manager to see if they would make an exception for MJ. They said they would, but we're still debating whether to go or not. The film contains "reenactments" that (1) might make us fairly uncomfortable, and (2) will perhaps attract an audience that might make us fairly uncomfortable. It's her call.

Socialization

From the American Heritage Dictionary:
socialize
TRANSITIVE VERB:
1. To place under government or group ownership or control. 2. To make fit for companionship with others; make sociable. 3. To convert or adapt to the needs of society.
INTRANSITIVE VERB:
To take part in social activities.

One of the questions homeschoolers hear often is, "But what about socialization?" The question usually encompasses all of the definitions above except the first one (although perhaps that one ought to be examined just a titch). This lumping of definitions means that the question also encompasses a number of assumptions, such as:
(1) School makes kids fit for companionship and for society.
(2) Positive social activities happen for every child in school.
(3) Homeschooled kids are isolated to such an extent that they will not be fit for companionship and society, nor will they get to take part in social activities.

Our societal belief in the first two assumptions is pervasive and virtually unchallenged. In fact, over the last few years I've been struck again and again by how often people accept such societal beliefs without even thinking about them. No logical reasoning is applied. Someone said something to me the other day about "drinking the unschooling Kool-Aid," implying that unschoolers are brainwashed or cultish or perhaps even doomed. Personally, I've seen far more evidence that indicates that we, as a society, have been drinking the school Kool-Aid!

So, I'm here to offer a dose of antidote for the assumptions listed above. I suspect that even listing the assumptions has prompted my readers to see their flaws, but I'll enjoy pointing them out anyway.

(1) School makes kids fit for companionship and for society.

Ahem. Actually, maybe I won't tackle this one myself. Here instead are a few quotes from John Taylor Gatto's "Underground History of American Education."

"By the end of the first quarter of the nineteenth century, a form of school technology was up and running in America’s larger cities, one in which children of lower-class customers were psychologically conditioned to obedience under pretext that they were learning reading and counting (which may also have happened). These were the Lancaster schools... They soon spread to every corner of the nation where the problem of an incipient proletariat existed."

"As I watched it happen, it took about three years to break most kids, three years confined to environments of emotional neediness with nothing real to do. In such environments, songs, smiles, bright colors, cooperative games, and other tension-breakers do the work better than angry words and punishment. Years ago it struck me as more than a little odd that the Prussian government was the patron of Heinrich Pestalozzi, inventor of multicultural fun-and-games psychological elementary schooling, and of Friedrich Froebel, inventor of kindergarten. It struck me as odd that J.P. Morgan’s partner, Peabody, was instrumental in bringing Prussian schooling to the prostrate South after the Civil War. But after a while I began to see that behind the philanthropy lurked a rational economic purpose."

"In the first decades of the twentieth century, a small group of soon-to-be-famous academics, symbolically led by John Dewey and Edward Thorndike of Columbia Teachers College, Ellwood P. Cubberley of Stanford, G. Stanley Hall of Clark, and an ambitious handful of others, energized and financed by major corporate and financial allies like Morgan, Astor, Whitney, Carnegie, and Rockefeller, decided to bend government schooling to the service of business and the political state—as it had been done a century before in Prussia. Cubberley delicately voiced what was happening this way: 'The nature of the national need must determine the character of the education provided.'" (emphasis added)

In other words, American schools were, in fact, designed to socialize kids—into factory workers. The students' fitness as companions has never been a goal.

(2) Positive social activities happen for every child in school.

Oh, I hope no one actually believes this. It simply isn't true. I'll take myself as a case in point. I went to a decent suburban school where there was virtually no violence. I was a successful student. I was reasonably happy in school. I had some fun. I was mildly popular ('though that one is harder to write, because I always felt like an outcast).

I had nightmares every night the week before my 10-year high school reunion.

Imagine what school was actually doing to me if it could have that effect on me ten years later. Imagine what school does to the kids in schools that aren't essentially safe places, to kids who aren't so successful, happy, enaged, and popular.

At my 20-year reunion, one woman wouldn't leave her hotel room because she was overcome with guilt over the way she had bullied her classmates.

And then there's the idea that school is a place where kids can be with their friends. That is also not true! School does not foster social interaction; there are dozens, even hundreds, of rules that prohibit it. Classroom management and school administration is very much about controlling and stifling the natural response of kids who find themselves in the company of other kids—that is, laughing, talking, playing, socializing. (Does the phrase "Stop socializing" sound familiar to anyone? I heard it more than once when I was in school.)

Here's a good example: The Federal Way, Washington, school district is contemplating a ban on iPods and cell phones. District reasoning runs as you might expect, with reference to distractions and text-message cheating, but the ban would cover not only classtime but time between classes and during lunch. Where does their reasoning fit into that? What's really happening is a change-with-the-times expansion of the district's anti-social-interaction ruleset.

Another good example: Classes in MJ and Chloe's elementary school were rewarded for walking the hallways in straight lines with no talking.

(3) Homeschooled kids are isolated to such an extent that they will not be fit for companionship and society, nor will they get to take part in social activities.

Over the years, the media has provided us with a few stories that seemed to support this assumption. There have been some much-publicized cases of child abusers who isolated their children from society and called it homeschooling, and the news stories about these people often carry the implication that these parents' freedom to homeschool gave them the freedom to abuse. Educators line up for the chance to say so on national television. It's bullshit, pure and simple. After all, most abused children are in school. I don't mean their abuse happens there (although it can and too often does), but it happens. School or no school, child abuse happens.

Rather than being about isolating our children, homeschooling is about putting our children into the real world. Instead of being confined to a room with kids their own age, our kids have friends of all ages. Homeschooling families have access to an increasingly vast network of peers, resources, and facilities. I'm sure many homeschooled parents wish their kids were more isolated, because all the running around they do makes for a busy life!

The reality is, homeschooled kids are only as isolated as they want to be.

Our family experience provides a good example. We are a somewhat insulated family, relatively homebound (when we're not out chasing hurricanes), so you might put our routine at the "isolationist" end of the homeschooler social spectrum. Knowing what you know about us and reading the brief history that follows, you might see that it's not very isolationist at all.

In the early days of our unschooling, MJ and Chloe were still in touch with their friends from school, and we had regular get-togethers with them. Those connections dwindled as time went on, and for a couple of years, the girls were perfectly content with the social activities our lifestyle naturally provided (cousins and other relatives, neighbor kids, family friends, Kendo devotees, boat yard and marina workers, sailors, park rangers, etc.). Then last year, MJ expressed an interest in widening her social circle. Chloe didn't much care, but she's gone along for the ride.

I found Hope for Horses, MJ's home away from home, where she has become very close to the adults who run the charity. I can't count the people that involvement has brought into her life, from veterinarians to farriers to musicians to movie makers.

I reached out to the unschooling community and Frank reached out to the cruising community, and we formed friendships with families all over the area. Chloe attended Summerhill School and formed friendships with kids from all over the world. MJ attended the Not Back to School Camp and formed friendships with kids from all over the country. Then we attended the unschooling conference, where a lot of those connections came together in one place (yes, there was even another former Summerhillian there), and discovered what a community of people we have become part of.

And then there's the community we're not part of, the more traditional homeschooling community, with its clubs and co-ops and meetings and potlucks and seminars. It's there, anytime we want it.

The result of this less homogenized socialization is kids who are comfortable talking to people of all ages. Sure, homeschooled kids like hanging out with other kids—and that is definitely a generalization to which there are numerous exceptions—but they don't automatically reject a newly met adult as a potential friend.

Yesterday, at a little gathering of unschoolers that I orchestrated at a park in Monroe, kids sat chatting with us moms at least half the time (with the rest of their time spent running around the tennis court and playground with the other kids in joyful abandon). The kids ranged in age from 12 to 16; nobody's age mattered, nobody was too cool to play, nobody was too young to be included.

Why do people cling to the idea that socialization only happens in school?
I have my own theories about why people cling to this idea so vociferously. There's the self-aggrandizement or self-delusion of the educational establishment. There's the self-protection of adults who suffered in school and can't face the prospect of it having all been for nothing. There's even my conspiracy theory about our government's continuing need for an obedient proletariat. But I'm afraid the real reason is simply that many of us are too well schooled to question our beliefs.

For any who are ready to start questioning, this page provides links to studies that support the ideas in this post:
http://atypicalhomeschool.net/general-information/the-cultural-myth-of-socialization/

On writing

I used to write fiction for fun. Some of my earliest memories are of scribbling down story starts (I rarely finished them), character descriptions, plot outlines, and so on. I still have a lot of the paper I generated back then, starting with the outline of a little sci-fi soap opera I conceived when I was about 13. It's full of complex and intertwining relationships between various members of various royal families scattered across several planets. Had I ever actually written the book, I'm sure it would have been High Art.

These days, my forays into fiction writing are few and far between. I believe the last was more than a year ago, when I produced two pages of a romance novel in order to satisfy a commitment to Chloe. The writing was as fun as ever, and the output was surprisingly decent for having sprung from a command performance rather than true inspiration, but the spark faded as it too easily does these days. I'm not sure I can explain why that is. Maybe it comes from too many years of Doing What Needs To Be Done; the spark is vulnerable to excessive responsibility. That isn't a complete explanation, though. As mentioned above, I never had much follow-through when it came to my dream of writing the American novel (great or otherwise), not even when I was a good deal more footloose than I am now.

I still write, obviously, and I make a decent living doing so (something that—I must confess—gives me a certain smugness thinking back on the various people who tried to rain on my writing parade over the years). Fiction has given way to Help files, white papers, 300-page user manuals, and, of course, blog entries and other online offerings. These are not the tomes my younger self had in mind when she dreamed of becoming a writer, but they are satisfying nevertheless. Writing nonfiction comes easily to me and provides the thrill of that quick, fingers-flying flow of words that happens much less frequently when I write fiction. Plus, it's fun to use and stretch my expertise in creating end-user documentation.

But I think there are still stories inside my brain, waiting to be told. Every now and then, I hear voices in there that are not quite my own. (Sometimes one even takes over when I blog, so a post comes out with a tone rather removed from what I intended when I sat down to type.) When the spark flares to full life again and I find someone else's tale streaming out of me, I'll be pleased but not terribly surprised.

Doings

We had a pretty big weekend. Aeron, Mera, and Jaime (my buddies from the unschooling conference) came over to spend the night Saturday night. Late that night, we were joined by MJ, Madelyn (16), Marty (18), and Conor (17), who had been hanging with each other since the conference, with time spent both in Corvallis and on Whidbey Island. They crashed at our place after spending a long evening in Seattle. We didn't get to see much of them, unfortunately, because Madelyn and Marty got up about 8 to head back to the island, and I dropped Conor at the train station so he could ride back to Oregon.

Sunday morning, Frank left very early to help some people move their new boat from Blaine to Bellingham. It was a rather ill-fated trip, involving low wind (despite there being big wind seemingly everywhere else in the region), engine trouble, a long and expensive tow, and a certain lack of provisions for what turned out to be more than 12 hours on the water. He didn't make it home until nearly midnight, tired and sunburned but fairly philosophical about it all.

Their misadventure put something of a kink in our plans to host a party for a group of sailing/cruising families. I ended up hosting alone, and all but one of the families ended up bailing (no pun intended). So, it was a much smaller party than we expected; we'll be eating spaghetti until the end of time. But it was still a nice enough gathering.

The kids, their parents, and I drove down to the waterfront to watch the kiteboarders playing off Jetty Island. Did you know that Everett is one of the premier destinations in the world for kiteboarders? It is always really fun and sort of fishtank-soothing to watch them, with their colorful kites doing sky ballet. It seems miraculous that they never have collisions, or at least not often enough that I've ever witnessed one.

Last night, we got to visit briefly with my mom and Tom who are, at long last, back from their latest southwest tour. We've missed them, and the girls are really looking forward to a renewal of our regular beach visits. And Angelo the dog is thrilled to be home; he ran around like a crazy thing when he realized where he was.

Today has been a quiet one. Frank worked, then he and MJ went to volleyball practice. Chloe did Chloe things and, to my not-so-secret relief, put off our planned session of amateur hair dyeing. (She's going to try cinnamon-red this time.) I did some party cleanup and checked my email regularly, because I'm waiting for word on my return to work. I'm hoping to set things up so I can take May off, too, with a nice, cushy job with my old team ready for me in June. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

We've finished off the day with a Heroes mini-marathon. MJ had to get caught up because she missed last week, then we watched tonight's very exciting episode. Only three episodes left in the season! Ack! I predict a cliffhanger...

More "should"

Aunt Jorene sent this quote: "Don't 'should' on yourself, or on anyone else!" Read it out loud to get the full effect. :-)

Baby moments

I was in a shop downtown yesterday and encountered a woman with a baby. She had him parked behind her while her transaction was rung up. I started talking to him and jingling my keys at him. She turned to look, so I gave her a friendly smile. She said, "Oh, good," and walked off to do a bit more shopping. It really surprised me, even though she didn't go far and was gone for only a couple of minutes. But I wish the world were such that all moms could be like that, trusting a friendly stranger to give her half a minute to get things done.

That moment in that store has helped a tiny bit to balance a very different moment I had in another store last week. This woman was walking all around Borders with her very small baby in a carrier. He was screaming, arms flailing, cheeks red. At one point, she set the carrier down, turned her back on him, and began to peruse the books. It was heartbreaking. I went up to that baby, too, and even went so far as to ask her if I could rock him. It didn't help. She said, "He doesn't like his carseat." Well, duh. That much was obvious to all of us in the store! I remain baffled over what she thought she might accomplish by torturing him that way.

http://www.attachmentparenting.com/

Chiara de España

In my excitement over Chiara's plans to visit here next summer, I forgot to pass on her other big news: She has been accepted into another exchange program, this one for a year at a university in Spain. (I can't remember what part of Spain, sorry.) She says she isn't very excited about it yet, but I'm sure she'll get there. She just needs a little American recharge first. :-)

Happy Birthday, Frank!

To the love of my life: Many happy returns of the day! And many thanks for sharing 21 fabulous years (and counting) with me.

Should

One of the things I’ve tried to do throughout our unschooling journey is to stop and question any thought that contains the word “should.” It was surprising and liberating when I realized just how many of the shoulds in my life were, upon examination, other people’s shoulds, or society’s shoulds, or just my own misconceptions or exaggerations about what constitutes proper behavior, appearance, and occupation. Initially, all these false shoulds were easily, even gleefully, abandoned. Some examples:

My kids should dress according to Hoyle (a.k.a. societal standards).
But why? To fit in, to make other people more comfortable, to avoid attention.
Who cares? Not my kids, not Frank, not me.

My kids should go to bed at a “reasonable” hour each night (even though they don’t ever have school in the morning).
But why? Uhhh…
Who cares? Not them, not Frank, not me.

My kids should sit down to meals with the family (even though we are together a lot through the day).
But why? Uhhh…
Who cares? Not them, not Frank, not me.

And the biggie:
I should bear full responsibility for my kids’ choices, to the point of taking those choices away as appropriate.
But why? Because society says so.
Who cares? Not them (they like being responsible for themselves), not Frank, not me (well, okay, sometimes me, but I do my best to stifle the controlling urges that come so naturally to me).

So, I threw out all those shoulds and many more like them. It was fun, and it was challenging. In fact, it was one of the most challenging things about beginning to unschool. I mean, Frank and I thought we were making an educational decision—the kids simply wouldn’t “do” school any more—and instead we ended up revamping our lifestyle, our assumptions, and most of our standard operating procedures. We began to question everything. “Who believes this? Is it really me, or is it society or Grandma or the next door neighbor?”

The happy results of all that questioning and revamping were impressive and became the foundation of my passionate belief in radical unschooling (RU), an approach to life and parenting that goes far beyond homeschooling. With RU, our kids became our friends. They began to trust us to be there for them in all ways, without any of the wrangling and plain bad feelings that traditional parenting techniques engender. It was a wonder.

And it still is. But lately, I've been noticing again how often I use “should” in my thoughts and speech. I think I've been backsliding from my early determination to stop letting “should” rule our lives.

Epiphany today: I use “should” regularly when what I really mean is “want to.” For example, it's Frank's birthday today, and I found myself thinking, “We should do something special for him.” How self-defeating that is! It strips out all the love and generosity that is actually contained in the thought, leaving only dry obligation. The fact is, I want to do something special for him. Where “should” is draining, limiting, tedious, “want to” is empowering, defining, motivating. “Should” is from that tense place between my shoulder blades; “want to” is from the heart. (Thanks to unschooling dad and life coach Scott Noelle for helping me place them.)

This is not to say that every should can be reframed into a want. If I say to Chloe, “I want you to wear matching socks,” it can be (and usually is) just as much about controlling her choices as “You should wear matching socks” would be. I’m not going to use my own wants as a weapon against my kids' autonomy.

But I do want to move to a place where I’m better able to recognize my own choices as being just that. The guilty thought “I should call my grandmother” becomes “I want to call my grandmother because I want her to know how much I care about her.” And the shame-filled “I should mow the lawn” becomes “I want to get the lawn mowed because I think it looks ugly when it’s shaggy.”

I also hereby renew my campaign against the false shoulds that bombard our family daily. And I'm going to stop doing the bombarding myself. I can tell I’ve been doing some of that when I open my mouth and my kids look at me with faint apprehension, like “Oh, man, what’s she going to lay on me now?” Enough of that! To help me break the should habit, they’re going to fine me a quarter every time I use a sentence with “should” in it. Here’s hoping they aren’t able to get too rich off my wayward tongue. :-)

Chiara is coming home!!!!

W A H O O ! ! ! !

Chiara just called us. She's coming to visit us this summer! Chloe and I are the only ones home right now, but we managed to make enough celebratory noise for a housefull. Then I stood there in the kitchen and cried happy tears and called a bunch of people. We miss her SO much, and we aren't able to swing a visit to Italy this summer, so I was afraid we'd have to go another year without seeing her. But SHE'S COMING!! She'll arrive late July or early August and stay for three weeks or maybe even MORE.

YAY YAY YAY!!!!

Experiencing acceptance

or "What unschooling looked like this weekend"

Greetings from the rejuvenated and inspired Maier family! We returned home yesterday from a long weekend in Corvallis, OR, where we attended the LIFE Is Good Unschooling Conference (with LIFE standing for Learning in Freedom Everyday). It was an exceptionally rewarding experience. I've been blogging in my head all weekend and will now do my best to recall all the cool stuff I wanted to share.

First and foremost, I want to try to describe what it was like to take my kids to a place where kids are really, truly accepted Just the Way They Are. We had probably 150 kids running free in that hotel (unschooling families occupied all but five of the rooms). They laughed, they ran, they dangled pipe-cleaner creations into the lobby, they played games in hallways, they had discussions and art sessions on stairwell landings, they swam in the pool, they rode skateboards in the parking lot. And they didn't get scolded or frowned at, and no one thought less of their parents for their behavior. Instead, they got indulgent smiles and laughter and sharing and other kids' parents pitching in to the fun.

It was amazing and nourishing and such a relief to be surrounded by people who looked at my teenagers with interest and friendliness instead of with the suspicion and judgmentalness and near-fear that they (and we) are faced with in society as a whole.

And do you know what? Nothing got broken or damaged. The nights were amazingly quiet and peaceful (especially considering most of the kids don't have bedtimes). The kids never fought -- not once -- and tears were very, very rare. There were moms nursing babies anywhere they felt like it, colorful signs on room doors, room doors propped open in invitation, conversations happening EVERYWHERE between people of all ages, and joy in the air so tangible that hotel staff members commented on it and asked to be invited to our next conference.

Some highlights:
* Listening to a speech called "Math Happens." It was given by engineer and math tutor and unschooling mom Mary Lewis, and it served to ease away the last wispy bits of my concern that unschooling math is "iffy." Turns out schooling math is pretty darned "iffy," too. (Did you know that 55% of college freshmen [that is, high school grads who've been accepted into college] are not prepared for college math courses?) She talked about how schooling begins immediately to interfere with the brain's natural ability to do computation by taking math out of the physical too early and moving it into the abstract. Also, that's when we start to tell kids they're "wrong" about math, thereby injecting fear and doubt into something that should be as natural as breathing. She said every one of her students (mostly math-phobic adults returning to school) would have been better off if they hadn't had a single math lesson during their childhoods. And she cemented my understanding of the difference between math computation (can be done on a calculator) and math concepts (must be understood by the brain) and how schooling tends to promote the former to the neglect of the latter.
* Seeing all the awesome, diverse, and interesting unschooled teens in general, but especially during the Teen Panel, when a brave group of volunteers answered questions about life as unschooled teens. Summing up some of their answers, I can tell you they have big plans for the future, they don't always fit in with schooled kids but don't find schooled kids all that interesting, their schooled friends don't seem to envy them (this surprised me because I am terribly retroactively envious of their lives), they bristle when asked if they wish they had more outside motivation -- they motivate themselves, thank you very much -- and their parents began talking to them about sex so long ago that they can't really remember when it started. Summing up my impressions, I can tell you they are articulate, entertaining, and the most settled and directed group of young people I've ever met.
* Sitting in our room with the door open, listening to Frank play his guitar and greeting all the people who wandered in to check us out.
* Finding Chloe and her new friend, Connor (16), asleep on a landing one afternoon, catching up after staying awake with a bunch of other kids all of the night before.
* Hanging out in Diana's room, playing with my new friend Fergus (3), who is just about the cutest little guy I've ever met. He has blond hair past his shoulders, a wicked grin, and a very firm concept of his own personal space. Nobody touches Fergus without his permission. I love that his parents support him in that.
* Going to the nearby Chinese buffet place with Frank, MJ, Chloe, and our friends Jaime (11), Mera (8), and Aeron (6), and watching the HUGE joy on all the girls' faces as they filled their own plates with whatever looked good. This included a fair amount of pudding, interestingly enough.
* Having long conversations with the girls' mom, Toast, who is easing her way into unschooling, and feeling like maybe I'm helping them on that journey.
* Watching the talent show Saturday night and seeing the way the crowd encouraged and applauded a variety of performers for more than two hours. Acts ranged from singers, to jugglers, to dancers, to skateboarders, to musicians, to an apparently quadruple-jointed lad who could practically turn his arms and legs inside out. Every single act was warmly received. My favorite was Mera, who performed a song she wrote herself, about how at this gathering we were all superstars.
* Stretching out on my bed with Mera about midnight one night to have a serious discussion about Battlestar Galactica and Heroes, then walking her back to her room through the quiet hotel.
* Dancing the night away at Sunday night's Barefoot Boogie. It reminded me of a Maier wedding, with everybody dancing with whomever was handy, regardless of age and gender and usually in groups of six or more. The conga line was gigantic and intense and prompted one of the few times the kids were asked to settle down just a little.
* Meeting some of my online friends, including the woman who organizes Live and Learn, the East Coast unschooling conference. She asked if I'd be interested in speaking at the 2008 one! Hmm, let me think...
* Leaving MJ behind because she couldn't bear for it to end. She's still in Corvallis with some friends from camp and will be returning tomorrow, although we still might not see her 'cause she's headed to their place on Whidbey first. I talked to her today and she said, "I'll see you Monday at the latest!"

Some lowlights:
* For us, it had to end.
* The spirituality chat that edged into Christian bashing. I have my own problems with fundamentalist Christianity, but it was unpleasant having the chat leader go negative during what was supposed to be an inclusive chat. She has reasons for her anger (e.g., a fundamentalist minister visited the hospital where her daughter lay dying of cancer and announced that 9yo Hannah was surely going to Hell), but I wish she hadn't expressed it there.
* The night guard at the hotel, thereafter dubbed "Señor Grumpy Pants," who was mean to the people who were still in the pool at 10 when he came to close it down for the night. A smiling "Time to call it a night" would have achieved his goal, you know?
* Not getting much sleep the first night because the girls kept coming into the room. At 2 and 4, it was to use the bathroom (even though there are public restrooms on the ground floor!), and at 6 it was to get their swimsuits. Lotta interruptions for a couple long past the infant-and-toddler stage of parenting.
* Experiencing huge envy of the parents who are unschooling their kids from birth.

But none of those detracted much from a singularly amazing experience. I am totally recharged and ready to dive into life!! AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT YEAR'S CONFERENCE!!

Want to go with us?

Various

News from New Orleans: Jerry, Cori, and Molly are getting settled in. J&C are both working as temps while they look for career positions. And Marty is doing pretty well. He is still having memory problems--he doesn't remember Gary's name, for instance--and Judy says he sleeps a lot, but Chuck and Eric were happy to find him alert and chipper when they visited there a week or two ago.

There's a new foal on the way at Hope for Horses! The foster parents of Honey, a rescued mare, bred her in violation of their contract with HFH, so she's back at the main barn now, with the baby due soon. MJ wants to spend some nights in the barn on foal watch. I sure hope she gets to watch the birth this time!

With the hype for Harry Potter 7 building, Chloe has been digging back into her mile-high stack of HP books. She decided it would be fun to do some of the assignments the Hogwarts kids get in the books, so she's been spending quite a lot of time writing essays on cool stuff like moonstones, self-fertilizing bushes, Neptune, and kneazles. Her essays are quite good, plus it's been fun to watch her discovering all those school tricks for essays, such as WRITING LARGER TO FILL THE REQUIRED PAGES.

After two weeks with overtime, Frank has had a quiet week workwise, with even the weekly Friday meeting dedicated to a going-away party for one of the editors. So, we've been having a little at-home vacation. We're having a lot of fun with our Netflix subscription these days--each member of the family has his/her own queue now, which keeps all of us watching the mail for movies--and we have more library books out than we can possibly read before they're due.

Speaking of, I want to recommend "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" to all my female readers (and interested males, too, of course). Dr. Christiane Northrup shares patients' stories and a lot of medical advice that combines the best of medical science with sensible tenets of spiritual/psychological healing. My favorite part about it is that she begins with the assumption that our bodies are naturally healthy and will remain so, instead of the assumption that we're going to fall apart as we get older. (Did you know that the Tarahumara Indians of Mexico believed that the best runners were people in their sixties, and that researchers who tested the members of the tribe found that the 60-somethings did indeed have the best lung capacity, cardiovascular fitness, and endurance? It illustrates how much our attitudes toward health and aging can affect us!)

Both girls are signed up for next summer's Not Back to School Camp. They are very excited, especially MJ.
MJ has a new haircut! She had about a foot of hair cut off. Cute, huh?

What unschooling looked like today

I can't believe it's been a month since my last post like this! Life is so fast.

MJ and Chloe are on a nightowl schedule right now, so I'll start this from last night.

Frank and MJ watched movies together last night, most with a sci-fi/horror bent. They finished up their mini-festival with some wretched Traci Lords disaster movie on the SciFi channel. You should have heard the blistering commentary drifting up the stairs! They were having a great time together, but there was scientific discussion about earthquakes and other phenomena, plus technical analysis of the craft of moviemaking.

Meanwhile, Chloe and I were hanging out upstairs. We read together some; talked about books; talked about translating unschooling activities into schoolish terms (she's fascinated by this); discussed global warming, the recent release of a rather grim draft report by a couple thousand of the world's scientists, and what our personal response to this report might be; talked about activism and what one person might (or might not) accomplish; talked about the human circulatory system, the benefits of stretching, and deep vein thrombosis; talked about the escapist value of traveling and flights of fantasy; talked about Ireland and England and the recent revelation/confirmation that the Irish and the English are, genetically speaking, one race and how it's cultural and political lines that separate them really; talked about the huge changes wrought on society by the Internet and how we don't really know the long-term effects of same. There's probably more. So, in schoolish terms, we hit on several branches of science, political science, sociology, history, and philosophy. And there's probably more.

After Frank and I crashed, MJ, who is not usually a nightowl, decided to see if she could stay up all night with the help of four frappuccinos. What do you know, she could! Health class, plus a little scientific method, plus a life lesson.

She spent the night writing. Enough said.

Chloe is habitually a nightowl and last night was no exception. She read some of "Hexwood" by Diana Wynne Jones, spent some time reading on fanfiction.net, created an illustrated fairy tale in a mini-book of her own design, and played pretend with her stuffed animals for a while. Oh, yes, and she and MJ had a whispered but nevertheless lively discussion in the livingroom at about six a.m., much to my dismay. Language arts obviously, art, imaginative play to explore interpersonal relationships, and socialization.

Today has been spent in individual pursuits. MJ is still awake and has done more writing. Now she and Frank are continuing their filmfest. Chloe is awake again and has been flitting between book and TV. Both girls and Frank have provided input into my blogging. We have about three hours left in this 24-hour-period, but I'm going to close this post out. There's enough here for you to get the idea. :-)

About intelligences and learning styles

A couple decades ago, Howard Gardner, a professor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, developed the theory of multiple intelligences. In a nutshell, he proposed that there is not a single "intelligence" but seven. Those are:

Visual/spatial intelligence
Musical intelligence
Verbal/linguistic intelligence
Logical/mathematical intelligence
Interpersonal intelligence
Intrapersonal intelligence
Bodily/kinesthetic intelligence

More recently, he added an eighth intelligence to the list, naturalistic. For decent descriptions of these intelligences, see the list here. His theory has been accepted through most of the educational community and is taught to many aspiring teachers, but it has been put in practice in only a very few schools around the world. Instead, most schools continue to value and reward verbal and logical intelligences and are geared toward those.

With unschooling, kids aren't all expected to have the same sort of intelligence. Verbal and logical intelligences aren't valued more, so kids with other intelligences aren't at risk as they are in school. For example, a boy with kinesthetic intelligence might be a discipline case in school, or labeled with dyslexia or ADD, or simply made to feel stupid. As an unschooler, that same boy might learn his ABC's while jumping on the trampoline, start reading while playing video games, or simply and beautifully excel in some physical pursuit. Most importantly, he will never be made to feel he's less for being who he is.

Learning styles go hand in hand with multiple intelligences. Gardner says, "Styles refer to the customary way in which an individual approaches a range of materials—for example, a playful or a planful style." With unschooling, we are able to honor our children's learning styles as well as their intelligences.

For example, the verbal intelligence of both of our girls is indisputable, but Chloe's learning style is playful and verbal, while MJ's is more thoughtful and internal. What I think of as their "secondary intelligences" are different, too, with Chloe's logical and intrapersonal leanings and MJ's musical, visual, and interpersonal ones.

So, what does honoring their learning styles and intelligences look like? In Chloe's case, it often looks like conversation! She lights up when we talk, and her experience of anything, whether it's a book or a dream or a trip to the grocery store, isn't complete until it's discussed and, usually, laughed over. She has always been this way. I remember hiring a nanny years ago, long before unschooling, and telling the nanny that Chloe needed to be listened to. We made it a job requirement.

Then there's her sensitivity. She feels hurts very strongly and has had periods of intense awareness of cruelty, hypocrisy, ageism, and, repeatedly, her own isolation from others. (This last is not about social isolation but an understanding that she is alone in her own brain, if that makes sense.) Honoring her intrapersonal processes and periods of grief has required patience, gentleness, and a certain creativity in finding ways to comfort her.

In MJ's case, the honoring often means butting out, something that can be especially challenging for me! She is very independent and very skilled at telling us what she needs, so we really can take our cues from her. Her goals tend to be thought through and well defined, and her pursuit of those goals is deliberate and self-monitored. She's more disciplined than I am, but she never nags, so I too often find myself in the position of holding up her progress because I've procrastinated and then forgotten something she needs me to do. In other words, honoring MJ's intelligence and learning style means daily work on my own faults!

Her study of music and interpersonal relationships has also presented some challenges. As you may have gathered, I hold strong opinions. As MJ has explored the offerings of the music world, I have had to repeatedly reexamine those opinions and tap into my trust of her. Eminem presents one good example. She was about 10 when she wanted to buy her first Eminem CD. "Absolutely not" was my first response, but I had to check that. We had conversations about his lyrics, their potential encouragement of violence against women, and my fears that her listening to his music would change her in negative ways. Then she got her CD. We had more conversations about specific lyrics, but I learned to appreciate some of his music; I didn't see any change in her language, behavior, or self-esteem; and, with all parental disapproval removed, he proved to be just one stop in a long and varied musical journey.

Another example was a TV show she started watching not long after we started unschooling. Its title was something like "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here," and it involved plopping several B celebrities into a primitive camp in the jungle to see who lasted the longest. I found it loathsome, especially the flirtatious antics of one "blonde bimbo" on the show, but I was encouraged by other unschooling parents to watch it with MJ and try to see what she found so interesting. That was when her fascination with interpersonal relationships became clear to me, and it wasn't long before I was as hooked on the show as she was. And the blonde turned out to be a sweet young woman, so I got to confront another of my own prejudices.

Because their strengths coincide with strengths valued by the schools, I have little doubt that MJ and Chloe would have excelled and been reasonably content had they stayed in school, and they'll be able to slide back in easily if they ever choose to return. But the thing is, they haven't needed school to develop the skills valued by school. Their interests, inclinations, and abilities have led them to a natural expertise.

Think about that. The kids who do best in school, who have the types of intelligences that schools are geared toward, are going to excel in those areas without ever setting foot in a classroom. So all they really get from school is gold stars and A grades for doing what comes naturally.

And what about the kids who struggle in school? They spend all those years feeling inadequate. Yes, some of them learn to write well, or to enjoy reading, or to do some higher math. But can the schools take the credit for it? After four years of unschooling, I'm not convinced they can. Maybe it's another case of a natural process coinciding with an artificial one. And for every one of those kids who is able to adapt himself and get the rewards of school, there is one (five? twenty? a hundred?) who comes out of school with nothing but a self-esteem problem. It's thirteen wasted years, years he could have spent in an environment that valued the strengths he possesses, developing real skills to build a life on.

Well, I've digressed into a critique of school, which wasn't my intent. I suppose my hope when I started writing this was to encourage people to recognize that we don't all fit into the school mold. For those who don't fit the mold, consider unschooling or other customized education as an alternative to criticism, shame, and prescription drugs. The academic results might be equivalent or better, and the psychological benefits, immeasurable. For those who do fit the mold, school offers little but validation.

Spring Slug Festival

I'm on strike and have barely done a thing for a week (except read, of course). I did manage to play taxi a few times -- I got MJ to and from Hope for Horses twice and ferried her and her cousins to the movies one afternoon -- and Chloe and I had a lovely evening walk the other day. But other than that, taking out the trash once has been my only accomplishment. It's been a pretty good week. I am finally starting to feel bored, though, so maybe I'll get moving tomorrow.

Tidbits:

We received the first installment payment on the boat on time. So far, so good!

Chloe is diligently working her way through the works of Diana Wynne Jones. She was especially taken with "Dark Lord of Derkholm" and its sequel, "Year of the Griffin," and now sees griffins in every cat we meet. (Griffins are called catbirds in the books.)

Frank finished up the latest deadline period for his work, so he's been enjoying the Spring Slug Festival with me a bit.

MJ finished a personal project of hers, rating the 1975 songs in her iTunes collection. She listened to bits of them while she entered her ratings, so we've all been listening to lots of varied music clips. I wish I could describe her amazing collection better. In addition to numerous genres of English-language music from a number of countries, she has songs in Japanese, Romanian, German, Spanish, Russian, Italian, and probably others. I'm especially taken with "Malagueña Salerosa" by Chingon (from the Kill Bill soundtrack).

We had a long phone chat with Chiara last weekend. She is doing very well, being quite happy with her independent university life in Milan and new romantic interest, David. We're looking into visiting Italy this summer, but it would be a lot (LOT) of Euros, so I dunno. There's some talk of just sending the girls to her to save money (and provide them with one heck of a fun time, I'm sure), but I would be SO jealous.

It's raining a lot here, but Spring is all around. The cherry trees are doing their glorious thing -- the girls and I want to get to the Quad at the UW and shuffle through the pink "snow" -- and all the other trees are leafing out. Love it. We took Rodney and Lestat out to the front yard yesterday for some fresh air and adventure. They are pretty tentative outside, preferring to peek their noses out from cover (with their favored cover being our legs, shoes, and clothes), but they got into the spirit and seemed to enjoy being plopped downhill so they could run up the hill back to safety. Rodney got cocky in fact, decided he didn't need us any more, and took off for some further exploration. Chloe rounded him up and we called it a day at that point. :-) He's about half Lestat's size but game.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Chloe the teenager

Well, Frank and I have successfully raised two children to adulthood (as some cultures define it). Chloe has turned 13.

We marked this momentous occasion with a weekend of revelry. Chloe, MJ, and a revolving series of cousins celebrated with an hour's hot tub rental at Tubs in Seattle, followed by hours and hours of swimming and an overnight stay at Embassy Suites in Lynnwood. I am photographically impaired, so I only have photos of presents and cake in the room, but I will strive to post a couple of those later.

As for Mom and Dad, we are already enjoying life with two teenagers. They are fun and fascinating creatures. :-)

With a monumental crash

Frank's bachelor days are over! The girls and I have returned to our happy -- and now much less quiet -- home.

It was a good trip, but I'm pretty worn out now! There was a big snowstorm in the Siskiyous when we left, so we cut over to the Oregon coast and worked our way (slowly) down that way. The coast highway was as deserted as it gets, but still slow going with all those hills and curves, towing the trailer. Pretty, though, and the weather wasn't bad except for a record rainstorm that dumped all over Eureka and us before we headed out east again.

After four days on the road, we spent two lovely days and one *very* chilly night at Joshua Tree National Park. A trailer snafu meant we had no heat, so we went to bed early, piled under sleeping bags and a variety of blankets, with not even our noses poking out. But the daytimes were wonderful. We got some hiking in and made friends with the young jackrabbit "assigned to" our campsite.

Joshua Tree Photos
Chloe on Big Mac Rock (photo by MJ)
Chloe in black and white (photo by MJ)
Mid-hike snack at Cottonwood Oasis
Momiji the Baby Jackrabbit

As evening approached on the second day, we started being uneasy about another chilly night, so we gave into impulse and packed up the trailer, then headed for lower ground. (The lowest campground at Joshua is at 3000 feet elevation.) We spent the night in a motel in north San Diego County, dropped off the trailer at the repair place, and then headed for my dad and Renee's. We had four days in San Diego, mostly spent visiting with family (I got to meet my nephew finally!) and enjoying the sunshine. We also toured a couple of museums (cars and aerospace), the SD Zoo, and Seaport Village (where I fell madly in love with the stunning paintings of Jia Lu but managed to resist buying my $40,000 favorite).

Then it was back on the road. My mom and Tom were belatedly starting their annual trip south, so we met up with them at Seven Feathers Casino in southern Oregon. It was a nice little interlude and another chance to use the trailer so I didn't feel like such an idiot for towing it all the way down. Tent trailers are not usually allowed at the RV park at the casino -- not posh enough for them, although I thought we held our own against a couple of the ratty RVs that were pulled in there -- but they made an exception for us. For those who meet their standards and are into that sort of thing, it's a pretty nice setup. Full hookups, heated pool, frequent shuttles to the casino, decent setting. We liked the ice cream sundaes at the casino restaurant, and MJ was pretty happy with the video arcade there, but mostly we were just pleased to have some visiting time with Grandma and Papa.

And now we're settling back into life at home. The weather has conveniently turned pretty here -- we missed the five inches of snow last week -- so it's not as sad as it sometimes is to be away from the sun zone. Now if it'll just stay this way!!