Un-class photo

It's been six months since LIFE is Good 2010, so I figured it was about time to get my photos off my camera. Here's my favorite, our poor isolated homeschooled kids in their version of a class photo. The age range in this classy, classless group is about 13 to about 20. Click the photo to see it larger. Friends on Facebook can see it with name tags here.

TSAre you kidding me?! and DHScuse me?!

I am disturbed by the new backscatter devices and even more disturbed by the grope frisking that is your only alternative. I think both "options" are un-Constitutional and a highly suspect addition to our airport "security" processes.

But I wasn't moved to blog about it until I read this deeply disturbing rumor. It seems the Department of Homeland Security has a new policy of not only seeking out people who object to the new security measures but having them investigated.

The terminology contained within the reported memo is indeed troubling. It labels any person who “interferes” with TSA airport security screening procedure protocol and operations by actively objecting to the established screening process, “including but not limited to the anticipated national opt-out day” as a “domestic extremist.” ... For individuals who engaged in such activity at screening points, it instructs TSA operations to obtain the identities of those individuals and other applicable information and submit the same electronically to the Homeland Environment Threat Analysis Division, the Extremism and Radicalization branch of the Office of Intelligence & Analysis (IA) division of the Department of Homeland Security.

You don't have to object to the new security measures to object to this labeling as extremists peaceful American citizens who are exercising their Constitutional rights. As citizens of this country, we have the right to object to unreasonable searches. And we have the right not only to disagree with but to peacefully protest the actions of our government.

I hope you will join me in objecting to this. Be loud, be proud, and stand up to the kind of Fascism that I had hoped we were done with when Bush left office.

The anti-shame toolbox

This is a list I put together of things that can help with your feelings of shame. No single technique will be right for all people, and most of us need a collection of techniques and tools. I hope something in here helps you.

The Work
www.thework.com

Emotional Freedom Technique
My own brief explanation/diagram is here. It will get you started and provides links to another couple of sites.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Wikipedia overview

Meditation and mindfulness
Some of my favorite resources are listed on my site here.

Recognize thought distortions
Thought distortions are when you take something that you've done or that's happened and blow it all out of proportion. "I screwed up. I should just go die." Simply noticing when you're doing this can help counteract the effects of the thought distortion.

Reframe mistakes
"Mistake" is a label you apply in retrospect. ~ John Bradford

Mistakes are: Warnings for the future. Gifts that allow spontaneity. Learning opportunities.

Become an imperfectionist
A great article by Christine Kane.

Talk to your younger self
Walking through a painful memory with someone who responds to you in a non-shaming way can actually modify your memory of the event. For best, safest results, do this while working with a therapist.

The Shame Siren
When you notice that you are feeling shame, turn on the shame siren. Imagine it whooping like an air-raid siren, alerting you to an urgent shame situation. Try tugging on your ear, à la Carol Burnett, and then, when you get the shame feelings and thoughts under control, tug your ear again to turn off the siren.

Write
Journal. Blog. Do Morning Pages.

Breathe
Always. Breathe. Completely.

http://www.sandradodd.com/breathing

Play
Reclaim the things you were shamed for. Laugh.

Learn more
Some books to read:

• Rising Above Shame by Stan Wilson
• Heal the Shame That Binds You by John Bradford
• For Your Own Good by Alice Miller (includes the Poisonous Pedagogy that is the root of most traditional parenting)

The [Big] Doings Report

Last I heard, Frank and Chloe and MJ are all doing NaNoWriMo. I have been writing some fiction, and I think I'm going to characterize it that way so it stays fun.

Work has been somewhat intense recently, but I've been really pleased with the work I'm doing. I'm making a significant contribution. (Yeah, yeah, it'll all be obsolete in a year, but if people in the computer industry were to think about that for too long, there might not be a computer industry.)

Chloe went to Corvallis for Halloween, where much fun was had by all.

Qacei and Chloe in Corvallis
Photo credit: Mary Gold

Chloe got home yesterday and promptly announced that she wants to go back in less than two weeks for another costume event: the premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1. Ah, well, it's her money.

MJ and Sean and Anders and Jamie were here for Halloween. They came up for a big camper Halloween party in Seattle, and spent Halloween day with cardboard and spraypaint and makeup. I was a bad mom/hostess and didn't get photos of them in their costumes. Sean and Anders were skyscrapers, and Jamie was a airplane. MJ was very scary.

MJ De Vil
Photo credit: Pat Punteney

And the big news is...

MJ and Sean are engaged!

Photo credit: Lynelle Wilcox

MJ has a lovely engagement ring (which I also failed to photograph) and seems really, really happy. (In fact, I had commented on her happiness before she showed me the ring.) They are only barely thinking about wedding planning at this point. MJ says it will probably not take place for a couple of years.

But that hasn't stopped me from thinking about shopping for wedding dresses... Heh heh heh.

All you have to do

Microsoft Kinect came out recently. As part of the launch, there are new signs and other promotional materials around the company. My favorite of these are the clings they have on every bathroom mirror. They say:

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BE YOU

Wow! That's a pretty powerful affirmation. Interestingly, my instinctive reaction to it is, "Nuh-uh."

Hmmm...

Avoiding zombies

The other night, Frank was watching that new zombie series on AMC, "The Walking Dead." At one point, a ~10yo boy spots his zombified mother outside the house. He bursts into tears, and his father tries to quiet him because, hey, if the zombies hear them, things are going to get ugly. What was interesting was that the scriptwriters chose to have the father respond compassionately. He snuggled his son close, spoke in loving tones, and offered the boy a pillow so he could cry into that.

That is peaceful parenting, folks, and I am so pleased with the writers for showing it that I might even give the series a try, blood and guts and all.

The sad thing is how infrequently one sees that kind of compassion out and about in the world. Instead, it seems like people want their kids to BE zombies, stifling their emotions and walking the earth in a mindless, hungry shuffle. Their kids' emotions (and probably the parent's too) are too much work, too much noise, too much mess. Sure, they might dredge up some compassion when their kids are suffering a huge, gaping wound of a hurt (as this boy was), but the rest of the time they just want their kids to suck it up and move on. They want things to be easy, which means they want their kids to be quiet (without having a fraction the motivation this dad had).

Consider the possibility that, to kids, smaller wounds are just as gaping and scary and overwhelming. Consider that kids with smaller wounds are just as deserving of compassion as that boy with the zombie mom, and that they are just as entitled to some time and space to feel what they're feeling. And consider that asking them to bottle their emotions is just another way to lose them to the zombies.

Writing time

The bulk of yesterday's blog post poured out of me while I was doing my Morning Pages. A couple of days last week, my Morning Pages became work on my God-like novel (it's omnipresent, and believing that it exists takes an act of faith). A new character appeared there, quite out of the blue, as if she had walked onto my notebook determined to introduce herself.

I enjoyed Morning Pages from the get-go, but it is only now, after several weeks of doing them, that I begin to see why they are part of The Artist's Way. They are unlocking my creativity and, more importantly, giving me time every day when I have pen and paper in hand and am ready to receive it.

The red badge of unschooling

From time to time, one encounters people who really, really want to call themselves unschoolers. In some cases, they do this even though their lifestyles are way off the mark. "We're unschoolers," they say, even as they sit their kids down for lessons. Or they say, "We unschool on the weekends." Other times, the lines are fuzzier, and the people claiming the label are so close to what I consider real unschooling, but they can't quite let go of x, y, and z. So they cling to both the label and to x, y, and z.

People in either of these categories will occasionally be challenged by someone to live up to the label they are claiming. In certain forums on the Internet, they will be challenged with vigor.

That's side A.

On side B is an online friend of mine who recently rejected the label of unschooler. She did this not because she grew to dislike the term (as some unschoolers do) and not because she's doing anything more schoolish than she was before. What happened was, she got tired of feeling guilty for living her life the way she wants to live her life.

As someone who has issues with guilt, I can understand her decision. (Living up to unschooling ideals can be work, and there do come times when you want to stop all the work and just live.) And as someone who is weary of the side-A people who insist on using label when they reject one or more of the ideals, I found her approach quite refreshing.

Personally, I love calling myself an unschooler, and the pressure and ideals that come with the label are a big part of why. The pressure and ideals keep me mindful. They keep me on my toes, and they keep me aware during my interactions with my kids—and with other people's kids for that matter.

Putting together side A and side B leads me to offer these guidelines:

If you want to do whatever you do and call it unschooling, people are going to challenge your use of the term from time to time. If you don't want to be challenged, find another label, or do like my friend and live without one.

If you keep the label, use it. Use it to question yourself and your assumptions. Use it to help you give your kids the benefit of the doubt, always. Use it to help you say Yes more. Use it as pressure to tolerate the discomfort that comes from having your kids make choices that you wouldn't have made for them. Use it to encourage you to choose the kind, generous, cooperative thing in every interaction. And use it to inspire you to go after more of the benefits that real unschooling offers.