Good stuff on listening and feeling

Wise words from unschooling dad Brad Holcomb

"I now understand that talking interrupts the flow of feeling. If I'm talking about my feelings (talking to myself, or to others), describing them, putting them in words, telling the story of what's going on inside of me, I'm not really FEELING. The talking is an avoidance measure that lessens the [natural flow of feelings]. It increases resistance. I had always defended my blabber blabber as being Good For The Relationship. After all, everyone says that partners need to talk, right? And I was *so* good at talking. I got it from my parents, and their parents, etc. It's in my DNA story... I have words. LOTS of words. The Gift of Gab, some call it.

"My personal breakthrough involved taking a [short-term] personal Vow of Silence... What I found was that I had a 40-year backlog of feelings...

"The more I drop out of words, and the less I force my words onto others against their will, the *better* I can *feel*. That's why, today, I consider 'feeling better' to mean the same thing as 'feeling MORE'."

From Peaceful Partnerships

Good stuff on education

Terry Deary, author of some of the Horrible Histories books, on school

“I get 200 requests a year [to speak in schools] and the answer is no. I detest schools with a passion. I’d rather cut off my left arm and eat it with Marmite than go into a school. And I don’t even like Marmite.

“Schools are an utter waste of young life. Learning things that will never be any use to you. The only reason they are there is to keep kids off the street. They were a Victorian invention. The Industrial Revolution took kids from their families and made the parents work in factories long hours. Then they said, ‘we can’t have these little kids working here.’ So what do we do? Lock them all up in the same room all day and we’ll call it school. I spent hours learning trigonometry, physics, none of which prepared me for life. Relationships, talking to people, managing money, planning your career, how to help someone who has cut their leg open. I have had to learn these things by default.

“There won’t be any schools in 25 years. There will be mentoring. Older people passing their skills on to younger people.”

Full story in the UK Telegraph

Alvin Toffler on the future of education:

Edutopia.org: You've been writing about our educational system for decades. What's the most pressing need in public education right now?

Alvin Toffler: Shut down the public education system.

He then goes on to describe what he thinks schools should look like.

"Like real life, yes! And, like in real life, there is an enormous, enormous bank of knowledge in the community that we can tap into. So, why shouldn't a kid who's interested in mechanical things or engines or technology meet people from the community who do that kind of stuff, and who are excited about what they are doing and where it's going? But at the rate of change [in schools], the actual skills that we teach, or that they learn by themselves, about how to use this gizmo or that gizmo, that's going to be obsolete -- who knows? -- in five years or in five minutes."

Full story on Edutopia

Put 'em all in a blender

I've been meaning to do this one for months. If you want more, here are Steph's and Frank's.

First, select ten fictional characters (from any medium) by whichever method you like best.

1. Rocky Raccoon (gun-toting betrayed lover from the Beatles song)

2. Lt. Eve Dallas, New York Police and Security Department (kickass mystery-solving cop from J.D. Robb's In Death series)

3. Professor McGonagall (no-nonsense transfiguration teacher from J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series)

4. Badger (shifty and ruthless "businessman" of Irish descent, from Firefly)

5. Mystique (sexy, militant, shapeshifting blue mutant, from X-Men)

6. Colin, God of Love (guy who's just on the wrong continent in Love Actually)

7. Agador Spartcus (Guatemalan houseboy who has a problem with shoes, from The Birdcage)

8. Elle Driver, aka California Mountain Snake (one-eyed assassin from Kill Bill)

9. Odd Thomas (he sees dead people, from the books by Dean Koontz)

10. Titania, Queen of Fairies (from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream)


Divide the list up by even and odd.

Odds: Rocky, Professor McGonagall, Mystique, Agador, and (appropriately enough) Odd.

Evens: Eve Dallas, Badger, God Colin, Elle Driver, and Titania.

Which group of five would make a better Five-Man Band (like a Power Rangers team)?
The Evens. Colin, despite his charm, is their weak link, but the Odds have two such in Rocky and Agador.

Who would you slot in each position: Leader, Lancer (second-in-command), Big Guy, Smart Guy, The Chick?

For the odds:
* Leader: Minerva, of course. She's smart, decisive, resourceful, and suffers no fools.
* Lancer: This one was tough, but I have to go with Mystique. She has experience in the role, and she's intelligent enough to take the lead as needed.
* Big Guy: Rocky. He's best suited to a muscle position, and he doesn't lack courage.
* Smart Guy: Odd, although his smarts run toward intuition rather than pure intellect.
* The Chick: Agador. He's not especially pretty, but he's the only one I can see being able to pull off the damsel in distress gambit.

For the evens:
* Leader: Titania wants the job, but Eve is more qualified to run a team.
* Lancer: Colin. He'll follow orders, and his naivete will balance Eve's cynicism.
* Big Guy: Elle. There's nothing she likes better than doing the dirty work.
* Smart Guy: Badger. Eve will have to watch her back, but Badger will always be able to point out all the angles, especially if a profit is involved.
* The Chick: Titania. She's beautiful, devious, and tempestuous.

If you think the teams would be improved by swapping one character between the even and odd groups, which ones would you switch?

Hmm. Nope, the teams stand as-is.

Gender-swap 2 (Eve), 8 (Elle) and 10 (Titania). Which character would have the most change in their story arc? Which the least? Would any of these characters have to have a complete personality change to be believable as the opposite sex?

I think Titania, as the most girly of our females, changes most. Elle would perhaps be less psychotic as a male...? Eve would be virtually the same person.

Compare the matchups of 1 (Rocky) and 8 (Elle) and 5 (Mystique) and 9 (Odd). (Ignore canon sexual preferences for the moment.) Which couple would be more compatible?

Ooh, a romance between Mystique and Odd would be very interesting. The mutant and the psychic. They would bond over being different but Odd's sensitive nature would ultimately irritate Mystique while her militant nature would wear on him. Odd goes for sweet—not the first word that comes to mind when I think of Mystique.

Rocky and Elle strike me as a complete mismatch. She'd kill him within a week.

Your team is 3 (McGonagall), 4 (Badger), and 9 (Odd). The mission consists of a social challenge, a mental challenge, and a physical challenge. Which team member do you assign to each challenge?

Social: Odd Thomas. People like Odd.
Mental: McGonagall. She's sharp as a tack.
Physical: Badger, but mostly because he'd be bad at the other two.

7 (Agador) becomes 1's (Rocky's) boss for a week in some plausible fashion. How's their working relationship?

Horrible. Rocky would walk all over Agador.

2 (Eve) finds herself inserted into 6's (Colin's) continuity. As far as anyone other than 2 or 6 is concerned, they've always been there. What role would 2 be presumed to have had in 6's story, and could they fit in without going wonky?

Eve would be seen as a big-sister type to Colin. She'd be able to hang out in Colin's life briefly, but then she'd be dragging him along (or leaving him behind) as she returned to her catching-the-bad-guys calling.

3 (McGonagall) and 5 (Mystique) get three wishes. The catch is that they have to agree on all three wishes before they get the benefits of any of them. What three wishes would they make?

This is tough, because their priorities change over the course of their stories. It also depends on what one considers canon for Mystique. However, at a very basic level, Mystique wants revenge, while McGonagall wants justice. Assuming each could compromise her principles a bit, I think they would wish for:

1. Humans/muggles to suddenly put people with different abilities on a pedestal.
2. Lots of money (although they would spend their shares in very different ways).
3. Lasting protection for mutants and wizards.

1 (Rocky) and 2 (Eve) are brainwashed by a one-time artifact that works even on people immune to mind control to attack and kill 4 (Badger). They keep their normal personalities, skills, and competence levels, except any code against killing has been turned off. Can 4 survive?

Definitely not. Against Rocky alone, Badger would stand a chance. With Eve in the mix, he's a goner.

6 (Colin), 7 (Agador), 9 (Odd), and 10 (Titania) must help an orphanage full of small and depressed children have a merry Christmas. Who does what, knowing that at the very least the kids will be expecting a visit from Santa?

Agador decorates, Colin does the Santa bit, Titania whips up some gifts, and Odd leads the caroling.

3 (McGonagall) and 8 (Elle) are challenged to circumnavigate the Earth in eighty days or less, using only forms of transportation invented before 1900. Can they do it, or will they be fatally distracted by side quests or their own personality conflicts?

McGonagall can take them 'round in a jiffy without being distracted, and Elle would pose no threat to her. Elle is a wildcard, but I think she would have enough patience for the trip.

Ruled by joy

Scene: It is 10:30 p.m. We are flies on the wall of the third-floor corridor of the hotel at an unschooling conference. A wild-eyed boy who bears a charming resemblance to young Harry Potter streaks by, gabbling something about girls. He dances frantically in place as he waits for the elevator to arrive, then dives through the doors as if his very life depends on it. A few minutes later, his pursuers appear. Judging by the noise level, we assume there must be twelve of them, but no, it is only three. "Shh, it's quiet time," warns a mom who is not their mom. The volume comes down for a moment, but we hear it increasing again as the elevator carries them down to the lobby. ("Harry" went up, in case you were wondering.)

Over the last several weeks—perhaps because four unschooling or unschooling-related conferences have taken place in that time—I've been privy to a number of discussions about where one should draw the line between respect for kids and respect for other people's rights and property. I gather (but have no firsthand knowledge) that there was some minor kid-inflicted property damage at the Rethinking Education Conference down in Texas. Some people are outraged by this and blaming unschooling for it.

Even disregarding the fact that RE is not strictly an unschooling conference, I must question their logic. Do they think that 300 schooled kids or, heaven help us, 300 Shriners would have been better behaved at an event like that? *snort*

That said, I don't think it's a bad idea to ponder this issue.

"Unschooling is not unparenting."

This is something that is often said in the unschooling community. "Unschooling parents," the argument continues, "are present with their kids, and involved, and ready to step in."

Uh huh. It's not that I disagree with the people making this argument. I don't. I've seen a lot of unschooling kids and parents in action, and the level of involvement we're talking about is unparalleled.

But.

The whole truth of the matter is that most people walking into an unschooling conference would describe it with words like "chaos" and "running wild" and "irresponsible." At the talks and chats, people are "terribly disrespectful." They bring their kids, they come and go, their cellphones ring and their walkie-talkies beep. In fact, when my grandma expressed interest in coming to LIFE is Good last spring, I felt obliged to warn her off. To someone with her traditional mindset, the conference would probably be terribly unpleasant, and she would probably find a lot of evidence of unparenting.

"You have to see with better eyes than that."

That quote is one of my favorites from The Abyss. Our heroine, Lindsey, is pleading with her husband, Bud, to step away from fear and the reality he has known. She wants him to step into wonder.

And wonder is what I find at an unschooling conference. Because the "chaos" is actually a pretty sophisticated system. It's just not the system that people are used to.

All that motion in the lobby? That's 400+ people moving from point A to point B. All that conversation? That's friendship and support in action. Those kids riding the elevators and running the hallways? That's playtime and socialization. (Remember socialization? A few minutes ago, you were really worried about socialization.) Those kids in the talks and chats? They're there by invitation. And the coming and going? That's all part of an underlying acceptance that our kids' needs come first, even if it means leaving during a speech.

And notice what's missing. The kids aren't fighting. In fact, anger is virtually nonexistent. And that typical scene from the real world—the silent elevator where everyone stares at the numbers—that never happens. There are no strangers here.

And notice what's different. Adults smile at the children. Children smile at the adults. People who cry are comforted. There is lots (LOTS) of hugging. The kids strike up conversations with other kids' parents. The kids strike up conversations with the hotel employees. The kids strike up conversations with the couple who came to this hotel to get away from their kids. The kids strike up conversations with you.

And what's that over there? It's a group of teenagers! They came here voluntarily. They make eye contact. They smile. And then, can you believe it, they take turns with a microphone and share all sorts of details about their lives.

"An old man dies. A young woman lives. A fair trade."
Hartigan (Bruce Willis) in Sin City

I'm sure things get damaged at unschooling conferences. (Zombie makeup can't be easy on the towels, for instance.) I'm sure there are people who are bothered by the noise and who feel (and I agree) that the hotel reservations people really should have warned them. But there are solutions to those problems that do not involve limiting the good stuff.

Why is adding rules and punishments to a kid's life the first, and usually only, solution people come up with? How unimaginative! What limited thinking!

Unschooling parents believe resorting to rules is a creative failure.

Here's an example. I've deliberately chosen a hypothetical situation here, not one I've ever heard about.

Problem: The hotel is unhappy because several towels were stained.
Possible solutions:
- Take up a collection.
- Trade ad space in the conference handbook for some new towels.
- Ask everybody to contribute ragged towels for next year.

The solution does not have to be a new rule, "Zombie makeup is hereby prohibited." In fact, most unschoolers would see replacing a few towels as an incredibly low cost for the fun and learning that some zombie-makeup sessions provide. And by making our kids aware of the problems that come up, by involving our kids in finding solutions to those problems, our kids learn a gazillion times more than they would from any rule.

Poll results

These little gadgets are hardly scientific, but the results are still interesting to me. They match what I might have predicted based on the conversations I've heard over the years in the unschooling community.

Wordless -- oops, Thursday

Unschooling apologistics

apologist
n. one who speaks or writes in defense of someone or something

I have been an unschooling apologist. Sometimes I still am. But my involvement with unschooling newbies is definitely less than it used to be. I have said previously that this is because I grew weary of answering the same questions again and again. I realized today, though, that mostly what I grew weary of is people getting pissed off over what I write.

It's been a while since I chimed in, and I was feeling jazzed after Good Vibrations, so I took some time and contributed to the comments on Eli Gerzon's recent blog post about radical unschooling. One mom I replied to accused me of being judgmental, having tunnel vision, and scaring people away from unschooling. I guess I should have a thicker skin by now, but that hurts!

What I would really like is for you, my radical-unschooling friends, to read my comments in context and tell me where I went wrong. I am feeling very discouraged by this and contemplating bowing out of online discussions completely.

I bristle at the idea that I have to mollycoddle adult women. Is that really the only way to write about unschooling without being attacked?

For posterity, here are comments from Facebook about this post:

Cheryl Hulseapple: I am SO with you right now, Ronnie. Why does talking about unschooling offend some people so much? It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears and unconscious beliefs, and people take the ideas so personally. There's little like unschooling that requires so much self-examination, and very few people are willing or able to do that. Everyone will come to unschooling in his or her own way, or not. My job is to examine and change myself, not others. This is the life I want to live, and I'm done explaining how or why. People can read books and attend conferences just like I have (and continue to do), if they want to know more. I think you did a fine job with your comments.

Olaf Trytten: I imagine people don't take the time to understand the principle. They see name and jump to conclusions. I am reminded of when Ladies' Home Journal published a picture of B. F. Skinner's "baby tender" and it became known as the "Skinner box."

Qarin Van Brink: I'm a radical unschooler. And sometimes I arbitrarily (or not so arbitrarily) restrict things, for my own sanity, mood, fear of what others might think, exhaustion, stupidity, whatever. And when I do, I'm... well, dammit, I'm not necessarily radically unschooling in that moment. I still call myself a radical unschooler, because wtfever, I get to say what I want. :-P I love your contributions, Ronnie, and I hope you don't give up.

Caren Knox: I'm digesting all that, Ronnie, and I'll have more words at some point, but for now: I saw nothing at all harmful in what you wrote. Sandra said something (or maybe it was someone else on her list) recently that helped me see why I used to have those same reactions. I used to feel, "Those radical unschoolers! They won't let people in their club!" I was reacting to Sandra Dodd - and other plain-spoken radical unschoolers - as a child would! I was NOT coming to the list as a grown woman, I was coming as an injured child, and when MY perceived needs weren't met there... wah, wah, wah. Anyway, Sandra (or whomever) said:
"I'm talking to you as the mother of your children, not the child of your mother." Boo-ya!! I GOT it! I don't go to those lists to get my inner-child needs met - I go to get good, solid, proven, *radical* unschooling wisdom, to meet the needs of my real-life, right-now children. And I no longer get my feelings hurt, or feel judged. [emphasis added]

Serenity Dixon: She did seem pretty defensive to me but I wonder sometimes whether my interpretations are overly colored by the fact that everything you (and other radical unschoolers) say makes perfect sense to me. I have a hard time understanding how it doesn't make sense to them, so maybe their reactions seem more over-the-top to me. I thought your response was very tactful - sorry you had a rough time.

Jocelyn Cooper: I read your posts, Ronnie. Right on! Please keep 'em coming!

Linda Russell: Coming to the conversation late.... As one who has never fit neatly into any package (nor wanted to) it's been surprising to me that so many people really *need* to categorize ideas or affiliations; they need to make separations and divisions in order to make sense of the world. For me, labels have represented limitations-- conversation, and often *thought* stoppers, as well as walls that separate people. By sticking a label on something people quickly jump to deciding whether or not what you have to offer is of value or not. I personally don't find this beneficial. Whether it's religion, philosophy, or whatever, I hope to continually be reaching for what's best for me and my relationships, regardless of anyone's labels. Having been raised in an highly religious household I'm probably more sensitive to labels and the exclusivity than most. Believing and following certain tenets while rejecting others was not an option -- you're either in all the way or you're out.

I think sometimes radical unschoolers fall into that category. Decision making gets based on "what one with this label is supposed to do or not do" rather than WHY one would mindfully make (or not make) a particular choice. I think that's where labels of all sorts fall apart; people are living a life they label "xyz" but aren't living as completely open, evolving, learning thinking beings. That can leave one defensive and closed to how those decisions might look now or projected out over time or in different circumstances. PLEASE, Ronnie, keep writing, because you have a beautiful style that allows people to envision what principles look like in action, regardless of any particular label. I don't find labels helpful to my personal understanding or growth -- but I do find that sharing ideas and experiences can help to provoke my thoughts and evolution. Thanks, as always, for voicing your thoughts and enriching my mental growth!

Me in response to Linda: "I hope to continually be reaching for what's best for me and my relationships, regardless of anyone's labels." To me, that's what the label "radical unschooler" means!

Where I'm From

I am from Saltines and piles of warm laundry and Red Ropes at the Skate Inn. I am from the house on the corner, from sea breezes and salty Army blankets, from air travel as an unaccompanied minor.

I am from the inconvenient and prickly evergreen shrubs outside my window, from the apricot tree on the estuary, from the moss and frogs in the Rucker summer fountain. I am from shouting and the ubiquitous after-work cocktail, from William and Mary, from steps and halves.

I am from control and making it special, from mind your manners and don't quit. I am from Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, from E.S.T. and Illusions and Herman Hesse.

I'm from Coventry Court and 47th Drive, from VW bugs and BART and a black-over-yellow Mercury Capri. I'm from Swedish meatballs and too-old-to-cut-the-mustard and salt-shaker figurines.

I'm from elopement, and abuse, and the ashes of Mt. St. Helens. I am from angel hair on the mantel and report cards on the refrigerator, from wind in the sails and poodles eating peanut butter.

I am from messy, glorious life.

(I've deviated from the template a bit, but you can find it here.)

Friday fill-in

1. My car makes my life possible.

2. I don't really know what is coming up next, and I like it.

3. Lately, things seem ROCKIN!!!!

4. Inside a good book is one of my favorite 'hiding' places.

5. What happened at Good Vibrations... is all over the Internet, or soon will be. There are no secrets in the unschooling community. (insert evil laugh here)

6. That I will do something today besides play on the Internet is not impossible!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a quiet one with Frank - Psych might be on, tomorrow my plans include having a completely plan-free day, and Sunday, I want to cheer for the UNDEFEATED Seattle Seahawks!!!! But I'm tired enough to be very glad it's an away game. :-)

One stop shopping

There are now two Greybeards videos posted to YouTube. More will be coming soon. You can view all that are available at any given time by going to our channel:

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheGreybeards

Note: Alex, our fab drummer, doesn't show up very well in these first two videos. Never fear, though, we have footage of Alex and will be posting that as soon as we can.

They got a lot of nice girls

Here is our first attempt at posting a Greybeards video to YouTube. We're still learning, so please bear with weird sizing and less than ideal image quality. Videos 1 through 19 and 20+ are TBD.

Without further ado, here are the Greybeards and their Hot Backup Chicks performing Zed-Zed Top's "La Grange" at the Good Vibrations Unschooling Conference.



View on YouTube directly

The Greybeards

From left to right: Jeff Sabo, Frank, Alex Hoeltzel (who needed a little augmentation to qualify as a Greybeard), and Russ Anguish.

Alex's mom, Nancy, has more photos from the show posted here:

http://tinyurl.com/o5lbyh

More posts about Good Vibrations

Good Vibrations 2009 - part 2

Okay, let's just get this out of the way:

Greybeards rocked the house!!!!!!!

Oh my god. What a fun night! We couldn't have asked for a more enthusiastic—and forgiving—audience. To look out over that crowd of smiling, dancing, hooting wild things was just the best thing ever. My hugest thank you to all of you for getting so very much into the spirit of things!

And Flo, I love you. Thank you beyond words for the space and opportunity to play. It was a singular experience.

As for our performance itself, well, I think we made most of our mistakes from practice plus a few whole new ones, but it didn't matter a whit. The whole night was perfection from start to finish! Kudos to Russ, Jeff, Alex, Mark, and Frank for all their hard work learning the songs and practicing together-apart from a span of about 1400 miles. (In case you aren't aware, the band members come from two different states and one province and had only about 4 hours' practice with everybody all in one place. Pulling it together with such skill and flair (and flare!) is a really impressive accomplishment.)

To my fellow Hot Backup Chicks, Robin and Shonna, all I can say is WOW! You made every minute of our practice and performance time pure joy. I can't think when I've had so much fun. Love you guys!

We have video of the whole night, from multiple cameras. We will start posting the highly entertaining evidence memories to YouTube just as soon as we can. Allow travel time! :-)

Phew! Even writing about it is has gotten me all pumped up again. But let's move on...

Teen and Grown Unschoolers Panel. I moderated my third teen panel here at Good Vibrations. Our panel consisted of MJ (16 and 364 days) and Chloe (15) Maier; not-so-Greybeard Alex Hoetzel (17); Kirby (24), Marty (21), and Holly (17) Dodd; Matthew Vilter (23), Matteo (14) and Gemma (12) Cerullo; Hazel Donovan (16); and Nathan Selfridge (16), with a guest appearance from Roxana Sorooshian (21). [Most of those ages are estimated. I apologize for any errors!]

I can tell you from personal experience, there is nothing more reassuring to unschooling parents of younger kids than exposure to teen and grown unschoolers. This panel proved that in spades. They were so lively and intelligent and informative, not to mention extremely entertaining. From Chloe's periodic chirping of "I'm cheerful and optimistic!" to some friendly ribbing between the Dodds, there were just a lot of laughs. In and around all the fun, they were an exceptionally open panel and answered questions with grace and clarity.

This was the most college-oriented panel I've seen, too. I don't care if my kids go to college or not, but I know it's something a lot of people worry about, so it must have been nice to hear from so many unschoolers who are either already in college or planning to attend.

There were a LOT of grown unschoolers at this conference, which provided a unique opportunity for the rest of us. I'm so glad so many were willing to participate in the Teen Panel, despite its name. :-)

Roya Repeating Herself by Roya Sorooshian. Roya is a 24-year-old grown unschooler. She is simply a stunning individual: vibrant, relaxed, optimistic, educated even by traditional standards, gorgeous, and an inspiring public speaker. I intended to duck in and out of her talk, but once I was in there, wild horses couldn't have dragged me away. She's pursuing a masters degree in Art Therapy and intends to start a camp for kids. If you have some spare acres where she could get started, you couldn't ask for a worthier recipient.

How We Roll by Beth Fuller. As always, I came away from Beth's talk with so much to think about. Beth offers a unique perspective on family relationships that encourages you to rethink how you respond in just about every situation. She is a natural speaker and unhesitatingly shares her own vulnerabilities all in a good cause.

I just wish I'd brought my box of tissue.

In general. It's been a lovely, lovely weekend. We're tired and wired and happy and all filled up on unschooling goodness. Thank you to Flo and Ginger and all the speakers and all the other people who made this happen.

Next up for us is the trip home. We'll stop in Northern California somewhere tonight and then continue on up to Corvallis tomorrow, where we'll drop off Holly at her new digs at Diana's house. Then home again and a return to our usual lack of routine.

Good Vibrations 2009

The bright side of a little mid-conference insomnia: I have a chance to get down some of my thoughts and memories from Good Vibrations so far.

Spoiler alert! My notes below about specific talks reference bits that will be ever so much better if you listen to the whole talk, available for download a while after the conference. You can give them a listen and then come back and read the fragments I chose to highlight.

Update: I just discovered that Jeff posted his talk here. Yay!

Unschooling and Math by Pam Sorooshian. Lots of good stuff in this talk, but there were a couple of things that especially grabbed my brain. One was the reminder of how disconnected from reality is the math they teach in class. Pam led us through a little exercise that illustrated this pretty clearly: Make a little list of situations in your real life where you use math. (We came up with tipping, figuring gas mileage, figuring value at the grocery store, doubling or halving recipes, and budgeting.) Ask yourself (1) what method you use to do those calculations (paper and pencil, calculator/computer, or in your head), and (2) how important precision is in the result of each calculation. Compare your answers to what school requires.

Pam also told a very cool little story in which her daughter Rosie was working (playing) her way through an activity book one day while they were driving in the car. Rosie became frustrated with a page that asked how many kids were in each classroom if a school with ten classrooms had 80 students. Rosie complained that it didn't provide enough information. When Pam explained she should just divide 80 by 10, Rosie said (and I love this), "It's not a division problem!" Having never been in a math classroom, Rosie could see all the variables (ages or grade levels of the students, content of the classes being taught, and so on) that formal math instruction requires kids to simply ignore, thereby ensuring that kids know that math (or rather, the math that they are being taught) has little to do with reality.

In Pursuit of a Passionate Life by Jeff Sabo. Lots of good stuff in this one, too, but the highlight for me—the moment that had me teary-eyed—was when Jeff talked about showing inner-city kids three numbers and encouraging them to guess what the numbers represented. The numbers were (I think) 1.7, 75, and 8. He said the kids never got all three. They are, respectively, a specific person's high school GPA, the number of jobs the individual has had, and the number of times this person was suspended from school. Got a picture of this person? Lovely. Throw it out the window. The individual is Jeff. He has a masters degree and a successful career in the corporate world, he is an amazing dad married to an amazing woman who clearly likes him a whole lot, and he is a talented and inspiring writer and speaker. He's also one hell of a bass player!

So, just imagine those kids discovering how little their own numbers could predict what their future held in store.

My own numbers were "better" (unless you count each contract as a job—then I might have Jeff beat), but they carried just as many expectations for my future. It was a heavy burden, and one I might have set down for the first time yesterday.

Strangers in a Strange Land chat. Shonna and I hosted this circle chat yesterday. We went in hoping to encourage and benefit from some brainstorming about how to help other people's kids when we see them being victimized by harsh parenting. I think it went pretty well. Here are the tools we discussed. Which of these is the best to pull out in any given situation will depend on the situation and your resources at the moment.

• Empathize with the parent. We've all been there in that overwhelmed moment, and we all know snapshot moments do not necessarily reflect the whole of the parent-child relationship. Also, those of us (yours truly) who started out as traditional parents can (should be able to) empathize more than most.
• Validate the child's experience. A small verbal expression of your understanding of the child's perspective can provide a lot of comfort to the child, and it just might help the parent make a shift, too. For example, suppose you see a child in a store crying because he's been denied candy or a toy. You can say, "It's hard to see all these cool things and not be able to take them home, isn't it?"
• Say "I've been there. Here are some resources that have helped me a lot," and then hand over a card that lists a few of your favorite parenting Web sites. This one lets you immediately withdraw from the situation; the parent doesn't have/get to respond.
• Say (even if it's not true), "You know, the exact same thing happened with us. Here's what worked for us..." and then describe the parenting that you wish you were seeing.
• Interject with a little comment that might jolt the parent into taking a breath. My example was Count to a million, Mom.

I might be missing a couple, but I'm getting sleepy finally. Thanks to all the women and men who helped with that list! More later.

Blake's book is out!

College Without High School

Blake Boles is an unschooler, NBTSC staffer, business owner, speaker, and now author. And perhaps more importantly, he is MJ and Chloe's friend.

Jimena Crickets

You probably don't know it by the news, but hurricane Jimena has hit Baja California very hard. We have cruising friends down in Santa Rosalia who say that town is pretty much wiped out. Here's an excerpt from Toast's blog:

"The city is a disaster. The authorities and people were getting ahead of the mud and rock yesterday, but I cringe at the thought of what all this steady rain is doing to already unstable hill sides. The flooding and mud yesterday were truly unbelievable... The town of Santa Rosalia we know has disappeared under drifts of mud and stone – all our friends, our favorite tiendas, taco stands, and verduras vendors have been scraped off the streets and into the harbor."

This is all too depressingly familiar. :-(

The Red Cross is helping (via La Cruz Roja Americana). For donation information, go here.

Friday fill-in

1. I feel restlessness, excitement, helplessness, happiness, curiosity, stress, conflict, anticipation, wonder, joy, bewilderment, resignation, hope, hunger, sleepiness, and irritation.

2. Nothing is always fun.

3. Right now, I can hear these things: a single-engine airplane, hammering from multiple directions, the hum of the computer, the silence that's left after the music stops.

4. Good Vibrations is next week, and I'm glad because it's going to be one helluva party!!!!

5. The last time I saw my kids was about an hour and a half ago when they left for the Evergreen State Fair.

6. I'll be in the car for much of this Labor Day weekend.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being done with all the packing and trip prep I haven't started yet, tomorrow my plans include driving to California, and Sunday, I want to get there (but might not quite make it)!

Breasts reduced

Can't wait to see the spam I get with a title like that. :-)

MJ lost 8 pounds at Not Back to School Camp. At her height and weight, that is a lot. I noticed it right away and still get a little jolt when I look at her. She says she ate plenty there, but the vegetarian food, lack of fat and sugar, and constant activity took the pounds off.

We had a little conversation about it this morning.

Me: How do you feel about losing the weight?
MJ: It freaks me out a little.
Me: To look in the mirror, you mean?
MJ: Nooo. I don't look any different.
Me: Yeah, you do. [MJ goes off to look in our full-length mirror] Maybe it came off your breasts.
MJ: Well, that's not good!

I love her attitude. It's a marked contrast to my own adolescence, when I went around ashamed, with shoulders hunched as I tried to hide my breasts. It took years to get over that, and I still have my hangups. I am more comfortable all covered up, for instance. But I enjoy my body now, and I have some friends who are encouraging me (leading by uninhibited example mostly - Dana!) to let it all hang out reveal tiny glimpses of skin.

So, when MJ says she would hate to lose a cup size, I am amused and very happy for her and just a little envious. I know there's a big debate going on about the sexualization of "our" young girls. I'm staying out of the debate. As always, I prefer to respond to the reality of the young women I'm living with rather than some nebulous statistical group. And what I see in my kids is a healthy enjoyment of their own bodies. I see them embracing sexuality as part of their identity.

That's exactly as it should be.